Sunset is all alone.
She no home, no Friends and Especially no Family.
All because the user called Anon-a-Miss who has been using other student secrets to turn them against her. The school hates her. Her friends have abandon her. And she had no family to turn to.
She was all alone.
Or was she? When walking in the cold, she would soon be taken to the home of the people that would change her life forever. And perhaps give to her, the greatest Christmas gift of all.
Cover image belongs to edCOM02 on Deviantart
Chapters (4)
So another sunset was human all along story?
So we're just gonna ignore the fact that she hit her head and passed out, and he's not taking her to the hospital.
10536754
Well it's not hospital serious.
10536759
As you say.
Read the dad the captain of the Police department, so guessing the CMC are in major trouble. hope they face charges.
You've peaked my interest.
nice work
Nice start, can't wait for more
10536736
It's too early to jump to conclusions. There could always be a twist later on.
This looks very promising, especially the part where Sunset’s dad is captain of the police department. Looks like the CMCs won’t be able to avoid the fallout when it gets out that they’re Anon-a-Miss.
Can’t wait for the next chapter please
Another thing he kidnapped her she’s unconscious so she can’t consent to that that’s technically kidnapping
10538272
Well Sunset doesn't really have any Records and They are related so technically It's not kidnappings at all.
10538554
Why do you have a bit blacked out
And sure legally speaking kidnapping can occur between people who are rated
10538671
Well incase you forgot Sunset Doesn't have any proof of personal information or any hospital records so taking her to hospital would only complicate matters,
so taking Sunset to his home was Helios's only option.
10538749
I imagine she’s still going to freak out when she wakes up I was gonna say that you know who is my brother in I’d still freak out and I thought it would be even weirder because Live in New England and he lives in Seattle
Your doing a third comic now? But what about My little ninjago???
ok sunray and sunset are actually the same individual. the reason why she doesn't remember is because of her amnesia which was probably caused by her going through a possibly unstable rift through space a time which landed her in equestria. i also have a feeling once sunray's mom starts singing the song that sunset also remembered then her memories will come back.
Interest at maximum levels. setting tracker.
called it and more importantly, AAH MY HEART!!!
But.. sunset is a pony.. I.. well... I guess I wait until the next chapter... I thought that this was the family of the human sunset.
nice work.
That was different thinking a lot more panicking
10551731
Don't worry. I'm pretty sure next chapter will answer most of your questions.
10551731
Interesting...
Many stories already portray Sunset Shimmer as an orphan in Equestria before being taken in by Celestia...
Perhaps she was born human?
I’m pretty sure that the song is from the movie Barbie as the Island Princess.
Is there any canon information about Sunset having parents?
Their reaction to Sunset's life story should be interesting.
10552374
No I do not think there is, I really do wish there was.
10553332
That's what I thought. I only asked in case there was and I missed it.
10553420
No problem, glad to have helped you out.
10551731
There the possibility that Sunset/Sunrise when they were 4 wondered off somewhere and ended up going through the mirror but, in turn she lost her memories of possibly being human, that’s just what I think is happening.
Also THIS IS TOO WHOLESOME AS MY HEART CAN’T CONTAIN THIS
nice work.
So Sunset is actually Human all along! And the fact she went to Equestria by accident by a very young age? Nice and crazy Plot twist.
And I do want her real family to support and stop Anon A Miss once and for all. And have Fame and Golden give the Rainbooms their parent's FURY!!!
And maybe also talk to Apple Jack/Apple Bloom, Rainbow Dash/Scootaloo, Rarity/Sweetie Belle, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie's Parents and Siblings to give a proper punishment for the Rainbooms and especially the CMC.
Cyber Bullying is a CRIME!!! And the Police should be involved and warned the CMC they could have spend in jail with their crime. 😡
Good story so far. I wonder if Celestia and Luna will have an explanation as to why they didn't recognize Sunset as Sunray? Or did they, but tests to verify came up negative. I'll grant that the age 4 vs age 10 age gap is significant, even if MLP color combinations look unique to us readers. Course, that was probably a big 6 year period in the principal's lives...
Great chapter! I may just be overthinking things a bit but did you reference Madagascar 2?
10565944
Now, it appears Sunset; or Sunray in this case, now has a plan on top of a plan to end this Anon-a-Miss madness. Now clearly, Plan A; which was her alone trying to convince everyone that she's not Anon-a-Miss, did not work at all for her. But...Plan B...always works.
Wow. Well...that explains a lot.
And what's Plan B, you ask? Well...Rock?
ringsidenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/The-Rock-Microphone.png
Plan B? Family.
10565944
Where you read to now? that beacuse im reading the chapter multiple times and I don see it
10566081
What do you mean by that?
I feel that it’s either going to be Applejack or Pinkie Pie since they’re the only two who have older siblings and since Sci-Twi has yet to be in their group with this being before the friendship games it can only make sense they will be able to see a overprotective brothers reaction to this mess. Another possibility is Fluttershy and Rarity being the only two with only older siblings and understanding things from the first born perspective. Rainbow... as far as we know only has a sisterly like relationship with Scootaloo so it’s unknown to say if her loyalty will snap her out of it or a magical twist causes all five girls to start seeing their harmony colors in everyone’s auras. At least that’s how think it might go. Who knows?
10566237
The part where you said that sunset is a human and got transported to esquestria
Sorry for bad inglish
10566509
Well, this chapter did say on what has happened to Sunset in the past. With the big twist is that she was human all along and not a Equestrian Pony in the first place. At least she is back with her real family. And will stop Anon A Miss together, with the Police to help and Principal Celestia and Luna.
You know, I can already picture one of the lines for the confrontation.
"How dare you treat our sister so shamefully!"
I got this question last chapter but gonna ask it now. If celestia babysat shimmer when she was human, freinds with her family and srayed in contact. Why didnt she tell shimmers mom that for 6 years... 6 hole years a girl realy awfuly simular to their lost daughter was at her school?
10566793
Ok thanks
10566810
Celestia did feel like Sunset was Familiar but given the age difference, Different personalities, I think it might be tricky for her to see really big resemblance.
and maybe she Did tell Golden about Sunset but never really manage to make a connection.
Vengeance is an idiot's game.
That's what a video game character taught me.
Also, if they fail, then I'd suggest Sunset must keep running and never look back. It's over
No, I don't mean like running away I meant moving on.
I learned that line from a video game
10566940
Agreed if her former "friends" dont want to listen to reason then I can see her transferring out or even getting homeschooled...
So, Sunset is from the human world after all and she found her family. That's so sweet.
Only read the first chapter, but so far like the premise. I'm always up for more Sunset family fics. I do think this one could use some work though as it makes many of the mistakes that are common for beginner writers. I'll point out some of the most prominent issues and possible solutions.
First is the need of an editor. Even the most experienced writers have tons of mistakes in their drafts and therefor need editors who can help them clean that up. There are quite a lot of grammatical mistakes as well as typos like unnecessary capitalizations. There are also some basic writing practices that could be used, such as not needing action descriptors at every dialogue or not using accented speech when speaking as the narrator. These are things a good editor can help with. FIM has an editor group that can help you look for one or you can ask those who have favorited the story if someone would like to proof read. Over time you will get better at writing so the edits are not as frequent, but it's still always good to have a second pair of eyes to go over it.
Second pitfall is the over abundance of information we are given. After just chapter one I can likely predict what occurs in the other two chapters based solely on the info given in this chapter. Now that's not to say just knowing what will happen will make it worse, just that we are given an exorbitant amount of info and most of it is unnecessary at this point. It actually comes off as awkward with how it is presented too. I'll give an example.
We have just been introduced to this character, but outside of his name and description we already know: his parents and their jobs, how they behave after some event, the event itself, his hang up on his missing sister. All things that are unnecessary to this scene and have no relevance at the moment. Is it not odd that he keeps a picture of his 12-years-lost sister in a jacket pocket just to pull out at the moment he is about to run back into her? What connection does this have to the present? Did she disappear on this day, or near Christmas and that's why he thinks of her now? It simply feels like a forced info dump, which while informative, doesn't really keep the reader interested. It also makes the reader ask why he knows certain things. Like why would a character, who doesn't go to CHS and whose only connection is a family friend being the principle/vice principle, follow anonymous? Sure, he might have heard of it and felt sympathy for Celestia and Luna having problems, but other than that why would he care? The first chapter feels a lot like this, so much so that I'm not sure what else I'll learn once Sunset actually meets her parents that haven't been told to me, directly or indirectly, here. There is a way to help alleviate this, but it also helps on the next issue so I'll discuss it there.
Third is outside of an information dump, we also have a character dump. We not only know that she is about to meet her family, but that this world's Twilight and her Principle and Vice Principle will also make an appearance. That's just too many characters coming together this early in. Not only does it severely limit Sunset's, and the audience by proxy, time getting to meet and learn about the new family we are being introduced to, but it also forces difficult to explain happenstance. Celestia and Luna are apparently acquainted enough with the Shine's that they are invited over for a holiday dinner, yet somehow didn't make the connection between a long lost daughter and their student of similar age who has the same hair, skin tone and facial features of their friends? It just paints them as either uncaring individuals or idiots. And while it's interesting that the student Helios has a crush on is Twilight, it could have served as a form of comedy if revealed later. Like Helios and Sunset are awkwardly trying to bond and Sunset learns that he has a crush he won't confess to. So she gives him advice which he takes and later when he brings over his crush Sunset is shocked to see Twilight. Seems only like she was mentioned as a "Hey readers, Twilight is in this story".
Both the info dump and character dump are related to the same issue, which is said in comments far and wide on this site. "Show, don't tell". We are told all this, but it's all info that could have been shown to us as we got to know the family. The good thing is that it has an easy fix, which is limit the story to Sunset's perspective. Remove all the other characters perspectives, such as Helios in the first chapter, and maybe have it end on the cliffhanger of her hearing "Sunray!?". What this will do is mean that we only know what Sunset knows. Since we know Sunset and her current predicament already, there doesn't need to be much space used recreating the setting, just simple refresher to let us know that your universe is the same or very similar to what is canon. Now, we as readers get introduced to characters as Sunset gets introduced to them, so what she learns is what we learn. This way we aren't reading the minds of someone who already knows the family members, but have to get to know them with the dialogue they have with Sunset or each other and with how they behave around the house. It makes showing, not telling, much easier since the only one who could tell us is Sunset and she doesn't know. Now, that doesn't fully remove that pitfall, as dialogue between characters can have just as much tell as the narrator, but it does make it easier for the author to detect when it is happening as dialogue becomes clunky and overly long.
The last thing I would suggest is slowing the pace (said after reading chapter two). Every avid reader has favorite scenes from each book they read. Moments that the reader likes to go back to and re-read as they are the payoffs to build up earlier in the story and just give a good feeling when we read them again. But those moments only work because there was build up to it. Think about your favorite scene, whether from a movie or book, and then think about why that scene is so good. What moments happened before that moment that made those scenes stand out. If Sam gave his "but I can carry you" speech right at the start of the journey, it wouldn't be very impactful as they hadn't faced all those challenges yet. If Luke learned that Darth Vader was his father in the first movie from Obi Wan, it wouldn't inspire the same reaction that has made that an iconic scene. Build up is just as important, maybe even more so, than the payoff. Like blowing up a balloon. If you just have a puff of air in it before poking a hole in it, then it's a bit of air coming out. But if you fully inflate it before you puncture it, then you get that loud POP payoff.
Overall, I think there is some good elements here. I'm biased cause Sunset is probably my favorite character and I love me some Sunset and family fluffy stories. Seriously, it's like the crack cocaine of Sunset fans. You have the workings of one, it just can use some work to go from "Nice idea" to "Great story". Like baking a bread, you can have all the elements and ingredients, but if you don't cook it long enough you just have a heavy doughy blob. Let that sucker cook so we can all have a nice hot slice of fluffy story.