Help Unwanted
Trixie’s entertainment bar was coming along rather well, Twilight thought, marking another check on her clipboard.
When Trixie first came to Twilight and Princess Luna about opening her own business in Canterlot over a month ago, Twilight had some doubts. As rude as it was to say, Trixie was somewhat of a fickle mare. Twilight assumed that she would give up during the renovation period. But no, Trixie stuck to it. When she wasn’t performing or selling potions out of her wagon, she was building her dream bar from the ground up (with an occasional hoof from her friends.)
Twilight slowly trotted around the bar, taking a cursory glance around.
The rotted floorboard had been replaced and lacquered with a fine finish. The old tables (which had been gleefully been incinerated by Tempest) were swapped out with dozens of round tables all covered purple starry clothes like Trixie’s cape. Several comfy booths lined the wall constructed by Apple Bloom, who proved to be a surprisingly skilled carpenter. Trixie was on the refurbished stage setting up the new curtains and Starlight was behind the bar counter on the far side of the building, wiping it down.
Twilight smiled and checked off her list one last time.
“And done!” said Twilight brightly. “Everything’s coming along smoothly.”
“Of course it is!” said Trixie loudly and proudly. “This bar is own by the Great and Powerful Trixie! By law, It shall be nothing short of perfection!”
“Don’t know about the law, but it’s pretty impressive,” said Starlight, grinning at her reflecting in the counter. “I can’t believe this is really happening. You’re actually starting your own business.”
“Believe it, Starlight Glimmer!” shouted Trixie gleefully, throwing up her hooves and flapping her cape dramatically. “For when the Great and Powerful Trixie sets her mind to something, nopony can stop her!”
“Except the IRS,” said Twilight teasingly.
“Hey, Trixie may be crazy enough to fight Daybreaker,” said Trixie, suddenly turning serious, “but nopony if foolish enough to go against the IRS. Not even Princess Luna.”
“She’s got a point,” Starlight admitted.
“Well, good thing you have me doing your taxes,” said Twilight with a bit of light humor in her tone.
“I know it’s a little late to be asking,” Starlight said to Trixie, “but what are you going to call the place?”
“Well, Trixie was originally going to call it ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’s Great and Powerful Performance Pub,’” said Trixie, waving her hooves dramatically. “But Trixie couldn’t find a sign big enough to hold all that.”
“Probably a good thing,” said Starlight, smirking amusingly.
“So instead, Trixie decided to open a suggestion box in the middle of the town square,” said Trixie, hopping off the stage and trotting behind the counter to a tarp covering a section of the wall. “There were many great ideas – not as great as Trixie’s idea, but great nonetheless. There was one in particular that stood out to Trixie, signed by somepony calling themselves ThePrimoChocolatePony.”
“There’s no way that’s a real name,” said Starlight.
“They probably used a stage name to stay anonymous,” Twilight suggested.
“Yes, yes, very interesting,” said Trixie, waving her hoof uncaringly. Her horn lit up, grabbing the tarp with her magic. “Behold! The name of Trixie’s bar shall be – “ she whipped off the tarp, revealing a blue-and-purple neon sign with her Cutie Mark next to the name. “The Final Act!”
“Ooh, neat!” said Starlight, clapping her hooves. “Really catches that ‘stagemare’ aesthetic.”
“Doesn’t it?” said Trixie excitedly. “Once ponies come to Trixie’s bar, they’ll never go anywhere else.!
Twilight looked over her checklist again, nodding and humming as she said, “Okay…that should be about everything. Trixie will stock the shelves with her hoofmade potions (using ingredients generously provided by Zecora) and we purchased a wide variety of drinks (both alcoholic and non), which are currently chilling in the fridge in back. All that’s left if to decide what we’ll be doing for the grub menu. I was thinking the classic soft pretzels, Prance fries, onion rings, and hay burger sliders.”
“Don’t forget about the nachos,” Starlight added. “You can’t have a bar without good nachos.”
“Hold on,” said Trixie, raising her hoof. “There’s one more thing we need before the Final Act can open. Trixie requires employees to help run the place.”
“You don’t have to worry about that, Trixie,” said Starlight. “We can help out.”
“Nope, the Great and Powerful Trixie will not allow it,” said Trixie, shaking her head. “Trixie intends to run this bar with her own two hooves, without having to depend on Trixie’s friends. “Besides, everypony already has a job. Well, except Tempest, but she’d probably steal from the tip jar.”
“Good point,” Twilight agreed, writing down something on her checklist. “Okay, so we’ll start advertising for help.”
“Already ahead of you, Twilight Sparkle!” said Trixie excitedly. She lifted her hat with her magic, gave it a good shake, and a tall stack of fliers on the counter. “Trixie already went ahead and made these hoofouts!”
“Wow, you are really on top of things,” said Starlight, impressed. She took a sheet from the top of the stack and read aloud, “’Help wanted: The Great and Powerful Trixie is presently seeking employees for her upcoming entertainment bar. The positions for wait staff, bartender, and talent coordinator are available to those who wish to join the Great and Powerful Trixie’s spectacular entourage. Auditions will be held at this place at this time….’ Wow, that was almost humble.”
“Thank you,” said Trixie proudly.
“Trixie, these auditions are for tomorrow,” said Twilight once seeing the date and time. “Isn’t that a little soon?”
“Trixie wants this bar up and running as soon as possible,” said Trixie.
“It’ll be fine, Twilight,” said Starlight, lifting a third of the stack with her magic. “Let’s hand out these fliers to everypony in Canterlot. I’m sure lots of ponies will want to work for one of the heroes who saved Equestria.”
“Hmm…yeah, I guess that’s true,” said Twilight, thinking on it for a moment. She used her own horn to lift another third of the fliers. “I’ll hand these out around the market street. That place has the heaviest hoof traffic at this time of day.”
“Wait!” Trixie shouted, stopping Twilight and Starlight before they could leave. “If you’re going to be handing out fliers for Trixie’s establishment, you’re going to need….” She reached underneath the counter and, with a toothy smile, pulled up two matching sets of her cape and hat. “Uniforms!”
Starlight finally understood why Trixie wore this outfit all the time – it did make her feel great and powerful. If only it didn’t also get her so many odd stares.
She was standing on the corner of the two streets that shall not be named (I.E. Trottington St. And Trottington Rd.) handing out fliers to everypony that passed. Luckily, the outfit drew a lot of attention and most ponies who either recognized the ensemble or the pony wearing it, gaining interest. So far, she had gone through half her pile and many ponies seemed interested, though there were some like Jet Set and Upper Curst who turned their noses up and threw Trixie’s fliers on the ground. Starlight was tempted to give them a mane cut they wouldn’t forget, but restrained herself. She didn’t need to give Trixie’s bar any bad publicity.
“Help wanted!” Starlight yelled, waving the fliers around. “Positions available for the Final Act! Canterlot’s newest and only entertainment bar owned by the Great and Powerful Trixie!”
“Trixie’s owning her own bar?” said Cinnamon Chai interestedly, walking up to Starlight and taking a flier. “Good for her. I always thought that mare had a head for business, even if she is a goof.”
“That’s putting it mildly,” said Starlight jokingly. “We’re looking for employees at the moment. Interested?”
“Oh no, I’ve got my own shop to manage,” Cinnamon Chai rejected. “But I wish you ponies the best of luck.”
“Thanks anyway,” said Starlight, waving Cinnamon Chai good bye as she walked away. She went back to waving the fliers around and shouted, “Help wanted! Positions available for the Final Act! Canterlot’s newest and only entertainment bar owned by the Great and Powerful – “
Suddenly, an explosion of smoke went off next to Starlight, giving her a coughing fit. She waved the smoke away and, to her dismay, found Trixie’s filly-hood rival and Canterlot’s resident pest standing next to her: Charmy.
“It is I, Charmy, prominent practitioner of the prestidigitation!” Charmy announced in a loud voice. “And I have come to challenge to you to a magician’s duel, Trix – wait, you’re not Trixie.” She added shortly, deflating when she got a good look at Starlight’s face.
“No, I’m not,” said Starlight dryly.
“Where is Trixie?” Charmy questioned, raising her voice again. “Is this a pitiful attempt to misdirect me? I knew the so-called Great and Powerful Trixie was too much of a coward to face me in a proper duel.”
“She kicked your flank last time,” Starlight pointed out. “You got caught cheating – twice.”
“Yes…well…I had a tummy ache that day,” Charmy excused pathetically.
“Right…,” said Starlight, rolling her eyes, and passed out fliers again. “Listen, can you go bother somepony else. We’re too busy to play with you right now.”
“Play?” Charmy gasped dramatically. “You see my challenge as mere foal’s games? Be warned, friend of Trixie, for you mock the prominent practitioner – “
Growl….
Charmy’s bravado crumpled away as her belly made a loud groaning noise that made Starlight stare wide-eyed in concern. A grimace crossed her muzzle as she wrapped her hooves around her stomach as if it would stop the growling.
“Are…you okay?” asked Starlight, worried.
“I’m fine…,” said Charmy, frowning. “Just…a little hungry is all….”
“Well, I’ve got a nougat bar in my saddlebag,” said Starlight, magicking the candy bar from her bag. “You can have it if you – “
Starlight jumped back with a surprised yelp as Charmy pounced on the candy bar like a predator pouncing on its prey. Charmy threw away all semblance of dignity as she ravaged the bar ferociously.
Now that she had a better look, Starlight realized that Charmy was worse for wear last time she saw her. Charmy’s slick mane was unkempt, her tuxedo was covered in tears and dirt, and the top of her prized top hat was coming off at the seams. The fact that Charmy was going at a candy bar like a wild animal did not paint a pretty picture.
“Are…you okay, Charmy?” asked Starlight. “Forgive me for saying, but you look awful.”
Charmy finished the candy bar, stayed silent for a moment, then said in a low, meager voice, “It’s been…difficult lately. Ever since you and Trixie exposed and humiliated me during our magician’s dual, employment offers have been…scarce. My last job was at some foal’s birthday party, but they paid me in chump change and threw cucumbers at me. Which is weird because why would they have cucumbers at a birthday party?”
“Wait, that was months ago,” said Starlight. “Where’ve you been staying this whole time?”
“There’s this beauteous bush in Canterlot Park that Charmy acquired from a hobo,” said Charmy, somehow sounding proud of her accomplishment.
“You’ve been living in a bush this whole time?” Starlight gasped. “Why didn’t you say something? We could’ve helped – “
“You mean the same mares who humiliated me and destroyed my reputation?” Charmy retorted heatedly.
“Okay…fair…,” said Starlight awkwardly. “Look, we didn’t mean for that to happen. Well, I mean, we kinda did. You did try to cheat Trixie out of her title. But the point is, we never wanted to hurt you, Charmy. Nopony deserves that.”
“Save your pity,” Charmy huffed. “I may be down, but I am far from out. Like a phoenix, I shall rise from the ashes more powerful than ever!”
“Well, at least let me give you some bits – “
“I will not accept your charity!” Charmy shouted defiantly. “I still have my pride. I would never accept hoofouts.”
“Well than…you could work for it!” said Starlight brightly. She took one of the fliers and passed it to the stagemare. “Trixie’s opening a new bar! An entertainment bar! As a stagemare yourself, it should be right up your alley!”
“Hmm…it does sound…tempting,” Charmy admitted, rubbing her muzzle thoughtfully. “And an entertainment bar would be interesting…. But there’s one problem: Trixie. She would never let me work for her.”
“Sure, she will,” said Starlight positively –
“No! Absolutely not!” yelled Trixie, stomping her hoof.
“That was fast,” Twilight remarked.
The three mares had regrouped back at the Final Act after handing out all the fliers. Starlight filled them in on her meeting with Charmy and their reactions were to be expected: Twilight was sympathetic to the stagemare’s plight while Trixie was outright furious.
“How could you even suggest letting that dirty cheater into Trixie’s bar?” Trixie shouted, pointing a accusing hoof at her best friend.
“Come on, Trixie, she’s in a really bad place,” said Starlight earnestly. “We did kinda ruin her career – “
“Charmy ruined herself by cheating!” Trixie explained.
“Okay, that’s true,” said Twilight, walking around and standing beside Starlight. “But you have to admit, she doesn’t deserve to be sleeping in a bush, scrounging around for candy bars.” Trixie looked away with a childish pout and grumble. “This is your chance to put your petty rivalry to rest. You can be the better mare here – “
“Trixie doesn’t wanna be the better mare!” Trixie whined. “Trixie wants to be mean and petty!”
“You know that’s not true,” said Starlight knowingly. “Whatever grudges you two may have, you’re not the kind of mare that would leave somepony in trouble.”
“We’re not saying you have to hire her,” said Twilight convincingly. “Let her take the auditions. If she doesn’t fit any of the positions, you don’t have to hire her. You just need to give her a chance. What do you say, Trixie?”
“Ooh…fine!” Trixie reluctantly relented; she could never say no to Twilight, the dumb pretty smart pony. “Charmy can audition! That’s it! Whether or not she’s good at the job is up to her!”
“Great!” said Starlight cheerfully. “I’ll go tell her right away!”
Starlight pivoted and sprinted out the door. Twilight smiled…then looked in Trixie’s direction and leaned back fearfully as the stagemare penetrated her with a dark leer.
“Whatever happens will be on your head, Twilight Sparkle,” said Trixie menacingly.
“Aw, it won’t be so bad,” Twilight waved her off. “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Why do you keep saying that?!”
When the next day rolled around and the time of the auditions came, the Final Act was half full from the surprisingly large number of ponies that turned up. It seemed the word had reached not only Canterlot, but also Ponyville and Cloudsdale as well. Nopony was sure how that happened, but Trixie wasn’t complaining. Speaking of –
Twilight, Trixie, and Starlight were sitting together in a booth in the back so that had a clear view of the entire bar. As the judges of the auditions, they all had bronze nameplates and a small stack of papers between them.
“Holy Luna, look at all these ponies!” said Starlight, impressed.
“I can’t believe this many ponies are interested in working here,” said Twilight, looking around. “There’s Surprise from the Wonderbolts. And I think that’s one of the palace guards. Flash…something or other.”
“Ha-Hah!” Trixie laughed boastfully, rising from her seat and throwing up her hooves dramatically. “Trixie is not surprised! They were clearly bedazzled by the Great and Powerful Trixie’s phenomenal star power that eclipses even the princesses themselves!”
“Yeah, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” said Twilight, pulling Trixie back down.
“There’s over forty ponies auditioning,” said Starlight, pulling the top sheet from her stack. It was a résumé along with a picture of the pony who wrote it. “We have to go through all of them?”
“We want the best pony for the job,” said Twilight insightfully. “That means we have to interview everypony to see who is the most qualified.”
“You are absolutely right, Twilight Sparkle!” said Trixie brightly, but quickly deflated as a thought crossed her mind. “And unfortunately, one of those ponies is – “
As if waiting for a hidden cue, the door was thrown wide open with a clatter, turning everypony’s head that direction. A cloud of mysterious fog rolled in through the door and who should appear through the haze but none other than Charmy, striking a theatrical pose. The mare seemed to have at least groomed herself so that her mane and tail were slicked again, but her clothes were still shabby.
Trixie smiled exasperatedly – Starlight waved politely – Twilight maintained a neutral expression.
“Yes, it is I, Charmy, prominent practitioner of prestidigitation!” Charmy announced theatrically, crossing the bar like she was walking a runway, shoving her way through the crowd to reach the judges table. “Now that I am here, let’s discuss payment.”
“Charmy, I told you before,” said Starlight wearily. “You need to audition to get the job.”
“But why?” said Charmy. “I’m clearly the most qualified pony here.”
Trixie looked like she had something to say, but Twilight wisely slapped her hoof over the stagemare’s muzzle before she could get a word in.
“Charmy, you’re obviously very…talented,” said Twilight, choosing her words carefully. “But think about everypony here that also came to audition. It wouldn’t be fair to give you a job without letting everypony else try as well.”
“Hmm…true enough,” Charmy admitted after pausing to think. “Charmy will concede to give the other ponies a chance. I am nothing if not fair.”
It was a good thing that Twilight still had her hoof over Trixie’s muzzles because the stagemare was bouncing up and down in her seat, her face blotched red in restrained fury. Charmy somehow didn’t notice and trotted back to join the crowd.
“This is gonna be a long day,” said Starlight dreadfully.
TEST #1 – Waiter
For the first position, everypony was given a simple task: Three glasses Trixie’s patented Fizzy Fruit Potions were sitting on the bar on the opposite side of the room and all the ponies needed to do was bring them to the judges. It seemed fairly straightforward, but there was a hidden challenge underneath. The ponies that weren’t auditioning were asked to sit at the tables and pretend to be customers. That made it difficult because the waiter would have to navigate through the bustling crowd without spilling the drinks.
Thus far, none of them had done very well. Most Earth ponies only manage to make it past the first few tables before they lose their balance and spill over. The unicorns had an easier time carrying the tray thanks to their magic, but their concentration was easily broken when they bumped into somepony. Trixie would’ve thought the Pegasi would’ve had an easier time because they could fly over, but any that didn’t smack their heads on the ceiling or fans end up dumping half the contents because they were flying too recklessly.
Their first, and thus far only, success was Savoir Fare, an Earth Pony waiter from Ponyville, who not only got through the crowd untouched, but managed to do so without spilling a drop.
“That was the best on yet,” Twilight told Trixie and Starlight, taking a swig of her cherry fruit potion. “Did you see how suave and elegant he was. He’s perfect.”
“I don’t know,” Starlight hummed, touching her muzzle. “He seems a little…too elegant for this place. This is supposed to be an entertainment bar, not a five star restaurant. It throws off the whole vibe.”
“While Trixie agrees with Starlight Glimmer,” said Trixie, “he is the only pony that actually brought the drinks to the table.”
“Well, we still have two more ponies,” said Twilight, picking up the next sheet with her magic. She read the name and called out, “Sunshine Starhunter!”
“Present!”
The Mane Three raised their heads and tilted their heads curiously in unison. An orange-coated Earth Pony with a violet mane in a long braid literally rolled up to the counter, equipped with roller skates on each hoof and a helmet on her noggin (safety first, kids!)
The mare – Sunshine Starhunter, according to her résumé – looked at the judges from across the room with the biggest smile. The way she stared at them, it was like she was meeting her idols. Not that the girls weren’t used to it by now. They were the heroes who saved Equestria from fiery death, after all. Still, the fact that she was wearing roller skates in a crowded bar was more than a little foreboding.
“Is she going to skate though this?” asked Twilight worriedly.
“This oughta be interesting,” said Starlight amusingly.
“All right, Sunshine, you know the drill!” Trixie shouted across the bar. “Bring Trixie and her friends their drinks without dropping anything!”
“On it, boss!” called Sunshine, giving her a salute.
The Mane Three gasped as the orange mare twirled in place, snatching up the tray with their drinks, and balanced it perfectly on her skate wheels. Sunshine leaned forward into the crowd…and swerved through the crowd with the grace of an ice dancer. Even with the tables so tightly packed together and the ponies being as loud and flamboyant as possible, Sunshine effortlessly avoiding bumping into anypony, almost as if she could predict their moves before they happened. Not only that, she was able to turn seamlessly when somepony pushed out their chair, spinning around the dodge them, and move on like nothing happened.
Before they knew it, Sunshine set down the tray in front of the slack jawed judges. Not a single drop spilled.
“Here you go,” she said proudly. “Three sodas as ordered.”
“That was amazing!” Trixie praised, snagging one of the bottles for herself. “Although, for the record, they’re called Trixie’s Fizzy Fruit Potion.”
“R-right, of course, I knew that!” Sunshine stammered, suddenly sweating slightly.
“That was very impressive, Sunshine,” Twilight complimented, taking her own watermelon potion. “Your form and technique were flawless. Where’d you learn to do that?”
“I used to work at a mobile smoothie stand back home,” said Sunshine. “I have a lot of experience dodging ponies.”
“Speaking of home,” Starlight chimed in, raising up Sunshine’s résumé, “there’s something I’m curious about. Your form says that your hometown is a place called Maretime Bay. But I’ve never heard of that place. Where is it?”
“Oh, it’s uh – south!” Sunshine stuttered, smiling nervously. “Yes! Very south! On the shore of the uh…Celestial Sea!”
“But the Celestial Sea is in the east,” Twilight pointed out.
“Uh…,” Sunshine spluttered.
“Stop picking on the poor mare,” said Trixie, coming to Sunshine’s rescue. “Can’t you see she’s flustered? Obviously, she is in awe of our presence that she got confused.”
“Y-yeah, that’s it!” cried Sunshine, immediately latching on to the excuse. “It’s just that…well, you guys are such a huge inspiration to me. And now that I’m meeting you in person, my mind is all over the place.”
“It’s okay, we understand,” said Starlight sympathetically.
“Sorry, if we bugged you,” Twilight apologized.
“Oh no, it was no trouble at all…,” said Sunshine.
“Such a nice pony,” said Twilight as Sunshine rolled away.
“And so talented as well,” said Trixie, nodding. “Did you see the way she moved through that crowd like it was nothing. That mare is perfect for the job.”
“Hold on a minute, Trixie,” Starlight interrupted, holding up the last sheet in the stack. “Aren’t you forgetting somepony? We still have one more audition.”
“Do we have to?” Trixie complained. Starlight gave her a firm stare, causing Trixie to sigh exasperatedly. “Ugh, fine…. Charmy, you’re up!”
“It’s about time!” said Charmy impatiently, climbing out of her chair and trotting over to the counter. “Prepare to be amazed by the wonder that is I, Charmy, prominent practitioner of prestidigitation!”
“Yeah, yeah,” said Trixie uncaringly, rolling her eyes. “Just bring us our drink. And don’t break the glasses! They’re not cheap.”
“Not to worry,” said Charmy cockily. “For I shall deliver these li quid refreshments…without moving from this spot!”
Twilight and Starlight exchanged curious looks while Trixie leered at her rival with a hard stare.
Charmy levitated her hat off, reaching inside...and pulled out a large red sheet, which was baffling considering there was a hole in the top hat. Charmy made a show of flipping the blanket, showing that there was nothing on either side, and then laid it over the drinks; the sheet modeled into the shape of the tray and glasses.
“And now for the magic word!” Charmy declared, waving her hooves mystically. “1…2…ALAKAZOOM!”
Charmy whipped off the sheet…and the drinks had disappeared.
“What the – “Starlight sputtered in surprise. “Where did they go?”
“Look down,” said Trixie plainly while staring straight ahead.
Twilight and Starlight did as they were told…and exhaled simultaneous gasps when they realized that the drinks were suddenly sitting on the table without their notice.
“But – she – I - you – how?!” Twilight.EXE has stopped working. “She didn’t use any magic! I saw it! There’s no way she could’ve moved that entire tray across in less than a second without magic! It makes no logical sense!”
“Ha-Hah! Baffled, are we?” Charmy boasted. “Such is the power of Charmy, Prominent Practitioner of Prestidigitation.
“A fairly standard trick,” said Trixie, unimpressed. “Trixie could’ve done it, too. Only greater and more powerful-er.”
“That’s still not a word,” said Twilight.
“Uh, girls?” said Starlight, leaning closer to the drinks…or lack of. “The glasses are here, but they’re empty.”
“Huh, wonder what happened.” Twilight said aloud.
Strawberry Sunrise walked out the Canterlot General Hospital with her regular physician, stretching her wings with vigor.
“Thanks, Dr. Horse,” said Strawberry Sunrise gratefully. “My wing feels good as new.”
“Good to hear,” said Dr. Horse. “Now you be careful and take care of that wing.”
“Don’t worry, doc,” said Strawberry Sunrise. “After everything I’ve been through, I’m more alert than ever – “
As she said that, she put on hoof out…just as colorful puddle appeared below it. The yellow Pegasus slipped and slid across the road, crashing headlong into dumpster on the opposite side of the road.
“MY WING!”
Dr. Horse sighed irritably, opened the hospital door, and shouted, “Nurse, get a stretcher!”
TEST #2 – Bartender
While Trixie would be overseeing the production of potions that they would sell (and reduce the number of potential disasters), the bartender would be in charge of mixing drinks and serving snacks. Like the first test, the audition for the position of bartender was fairly straightforward. Everypony would be put in groups of five and asked to stand behind the bar while the rest waited their turn. Once behind the counter, they were asked to create their own drinks with the (nonalcoholic) ingredients provided to them. Once finished, the judges would come around and taste test to determine which is the best.
Halfway through the test, the Mane Three were starting to regret this decision.
It was clear that almost none of them had a clue what they were doing. Most ponies were just throwing things together at random because of their preferred taste or because it had a pretty color. Some were so sweet it made Twilight’s teeth sting. Some were so sour that Starlight’s mouth disappeared into her face. And others were just plain disgusting that Trixie vomited five (scratch that, six) times.
Trixie groaned, wiping her muzzle with her hoof as she set down the glass of noxious-green sludge. The pony responsible for making it – a cross-eyed Pegasus named Derpy – stared at Trixie cluelessly. Or…at least Trixie thought she was looking to her.
“Well, um, Derpy,” said Trixie, forcing a weak, wobbly smile. “That was an…experience….”
Derpy just stared for a long second…then flopped her head down on the counter and stayed there.
“Is she all right?” Starlight whispered to Twilight, worried.
“Nopony knows…,” Twilight whispered back.
The mares moved down the line to the second-to-last pony of the group: A plum-coated Earth Pony mare with a Cutie Mark of grapes and strawberries. The mare was leaning against the counter with one hoof, steadying herself as she wobbled dangerously to and fro. In the other hoof was a near-empty bottle of Pinot Noir – a strong red wine. Twilight, Trixie, and Starlight could smell the alcohol strongly on the mares breath from across the counter.
“Berry…Punch?” Starlight asked awkwardly.
“That’s – hic – me,” Berry Punch slurred. Oh yeah, she was definitely hammered.
“Are you…drunk?” asked Twilight, worried.
“Nah, nah, I only had – hic – one…barrel on the – hic – way here,” said Berry Punch, who started giggling for some reason.
“Right…,” said Twilight awkwardly. “Maybe we should get you home….”
“No way!” Berry Punch complained, oddly looking sober for a moment. She gestured to the three glasses in front of her filled with a dark-red mixture. “Ya gotta – hic – try this sweet – hic – fruit cocktails I made.”
“You didn’t add any extras ingredients to them, did you?” asked Trixie, eyeing the wine bottle.
“Nah, I used the – hic – weak crud you gave us,” said Berry Punch, taking a swig from her bottle. “Go on – hic – try ‘em out.”
The Mane Three exchanged hesitant glances before reluctantly levitating the glasses. They were technically the judges, so they didn’t have any other choice. After a moment of silence to prepare themselves, they each took a sip…. All three immediately turned starry eyes and looked up at the ceiling as if they were witnessing Nirvana. If you listen closely, you could hear a heavenly chorus in the background.
“This is the greatest thing I’ve ever tasted,” Starlight murmured in awe.
“Is this what love feels like?” Twilight breathed.
“Trixie can see the secrets of the universe,” muttered Trixie.
“Glad ya – hic – like ‘em,” said Berry Punch, grinning proudly while taking another swig. “I got – hic – plenty more ideas – hic – if ya can get me the good stuff.”
“Trixie will keep that in mind,” said Trixie, taking another sip before setting the glass down. Twilight did the same, but Starlight was reluctant and had to be forced apart.
They moved down the line to the last contestant of the group: Charmy. The disgraced showmare smiled broadly and threw up her arms theatrically as she gestured to the three glasses in front of her.
“Behold! My greatest creation (in drink form),” cried Charmy. “Be in awe of my genius!”
“It’s water,” said Starlight plainly.
Indeed, they were just three glasses of plain water.
“Ah, they may look like water now,” said Charmy theatrically. “But with little slight of hoof….”
The over-the-top made a weird sort of wiggling motion with her arms, which seemed largely unnecessary. Trixie shot a sideways glance at Starlight, silently blaming her best friend for putting her through this torture; Starlight was suddenly very interested in something off to her left. Anyway….
After a few more seconds of waving hoof motions, Charmy covered the front of the glasses with her hooves. After three seconds, she moved it away. Suddenly the three glasses of water had become colorful mixtures, each one matching one of the judges. There was a purple and lavender drink for Twilight with a swirling pattern that looked like a galaxy in a glass. For Starlight, a glass of lavender liquid that glittered when viewed at the right angle. And for Trixie, a blue beverage with blueberries at the bottom of the glass.
Twilight and Starlight ‘ooh’ed and ‘aww’ed, clapping their hooves, but Trixie remained unimpressed.
“Thank you, thank you,” said Charmy, bowing enthusiastically.
“Yes, yes, very showy,” said Trixie neutrally. She levitated the cups, practically shoving them in Twilight and Starlight’s faces. “But how do they taste?”
Twilight and Starlight knocked their glasses together in a toast and took a few gulps while Trixie hesitantly slurped a little. She was expecting it to taste horrible – maybe something super sweet or even poison. But as she moved the glass away from her lips, a disappointed frown crossed her lips.
It was tasty, Luna damn it!
“Mmm, that’s actually pretty good,” Twilight hummed delighted, taking a second sip.
“You, my good mare, have excellent taste!” Charmy exclaimed proudly with her chin held high. “That is Nightmare Martini made with passion fruit and sparkling cider. Starlight’s is a classic Manehatten. And Trixie’s Appleoosa Sour with a lime twist. You may now bask in my masterful mixology!”
“Where did you learn to make these?” asked Starlight curiously.
“I worked at a bar in Whinnyapolis during my travel while traveling abroad,” said Charmy.
“Yeah, well, they’re still not as good as Trixie’s Fizzy Fruit potions!” Trixie declared vehemently.
“Hah! That carbonated swill is nothing compared to my bartending genius!” Charmy declared, scowling.
“At least Trixie actually makes something original,” Trixie retorted, “instead of just stealing other pony’s work like a dirty pumpkin eater!”
“I hate pumpkins!” Charmy yelled.
“So does Trixie!” Trixie agreed for some reason. “Except for pumpkin pie!”
“Pumpkin pie is delicious!” Charmy added.
“This is going in a strange direction,” Starlight commented, watching the stagemares exchange barbs that slowly, inexplicably warped into a very loud conversation about pies.
“Why don’t we move things along here?” Twilight suggested. “Next!”
TEST #3 – Talent Coordinator
The last position available was talent coordinator – the pony who would be managing the entertainment portion of the entertainment bar.
Figuring out how to test this job was tricky. Trixie wanted to have everypony run around Canterlot and bring back the most “talented-est” (“Also not a word,” said Twilight) in under an hour. Twilight and Starlight vetoed the idea: not only was it time consuming, but having dozens of ponies running around like headless chickens was sure to cause trouble. So Starlight suggested a simple interview session. Trixie was miffed that her idea was shot down, but felt a little better when Sunshine Starhunter gave Trixie an oat smoothie (“with extra hay, just as Trixie likes it!”)
They were halfway through the interviews by now. The Mane Three would call one pony to the table while the rest hung around the bar (with drinks provided by Berry Punch) to reduce the risk of cheaters. Right now, Twilight, Trixie, and Starlight were interviewing a particularly pretentious Earth Pony stallion in a business suit.
“So Mr…,” Twilight looked at the name on the résumé, “Svengallop, what would you do if you were mad talent coordinator?”
“I’m so glad you asked, Twi – can I call you, Twi?” said Svengallop pompously.
“Actually – “
“Great, Twi,” Svengallop interrupted without listening. “I have an idea for opportunity, and this place is a big one. A little waterhole in the bustling capital, run by one of the heroes of Equestria. It’s gonna be big – big, I say! But it could be bigger!”
“How?” asked Starlight.
“If we want to put this place on that map, we’ll need some real star power,” said Svengallop.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie has plenty of star power,” said Trixie proudly.
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” said Svengallop, waving his hoof uncaringly. “But I was thinking of somepony with a real following. Somepony who can turn this shabby bar into an overnight success story – “
“Shabby?” Trixie shouted, slamming her hooves on table in outrage. “Trixie put her heart and soul into this bar!”
“That’s cute, miss, but let’s be realistic,” said Svengallop rudely. “Ponies will only come here because the Mane Six are here. Once the initial glamour wears off, it won’t be looking good. But I have some friends in the industry that would be happy to help. I’ll just need a twenty million bit down payment to get things started.”
“Twenty millions bits!” Twilight shrieked in shock while starlight held Trixie back. “We don’t have that kind of money!”
“You’re friends with the princesses, right?” said Svengallop. “Just ask to borrow from th royal treasury and we’re golden.”
“Yeah, I think we’re done here,” said Starlight, frowning. “Next!”
Svengallop huffed, turning his nose up to the Man Three, and trotted away from the table. Twilight, Trixie, and starlight were looking over the next résumé when the next pony took at sat across from them. Twilight looked up and was taken aback the bespectacled Earth Pony mare sitting across from them.
“Raven Inkwell?” Twilight blinked, dumbfounded. “What are you doing here?”
“Don’t you remember, Twilight?” said Raven Inkwell with an underlying tone of irritation. “Since you did such a great job managing Princess Luna’s schedule, she started letting you organize all the castle event. And since there was no work left for me, I got fired.”
“Eh-he-heh…oops,” Twilight laughed nervously.
“Well, putting that aside,” said Starlight, thankfully changing the subjects as she looked over the résumé again. “You’ve done a lot of work over the years – most of them royal affairs. Why are you interested in working at the Final Act? I figured you would be the type of pony who would become an event planner for rich ponies.”
“You would be correct, Miss Glimmer,” Raven Inkwell answered primly and properly, pushing up her glasses. “And I did – for a time. I worked for Jet Set and Upper Crust, Fleur de Lis and Fancy Pants, and so on and so forth. But I found them to be rather…dull. Boring, really. Their parties are always the same thing – expensive for the sake of being rich. No real substance. So when I saw your flier in the market, I thought it would be a good change of pace.”
“Say that Trixie did hire you,” said Trixie, “what would Raven Inkwell do as Trixie’s talent coordinator.”
“Well, I would put an emphasis on local talents,” said Raven Inkwell. “Every day ponies standing on stage, showing off what makes them special.”
“Ooh, I like that,” said Twilight, nodding approvingly. “Much more affordable.”
“I already have some ideas of talented ponies who would be interested,” said Raven Inkwell. “Twinkleshine has a lovely singing voice, Cayenne does an impressive Horsolulu fire dance, and you might not believe this, but Fancy Pants is actually an accomplished plate spinner.”
“Trixie is liking what she is hearing!” said Trixie brightly.
“I think we’ve heard all that we need to,” said Twilight, making a note. “Thank you for your time.”
Raven Inkwell nodded, pushed out of her chair, and trotted back to the bar. She took a sat beside Svengallop, who looked more irritable before.
“She was the best choice by far,” said Twilight.
“We’re only halfway done, but she set the bar high,” Starlight agreed.
“Trixie has a good feeling about this,” said Trixie, then shouted across the room. “All right, which pony is next?” For a few seconds, nopony moved. The ponies at the bar looked at one another curiously. “Trixie said next!”
Suddenly the lights went out, causing everypony to shout in surprise. And in the next moment, several spotlights flashed on and swirled around the bar while “The Final Countdown” played over the PA system.
“Oh no…,” Trixie groaned.
“Oh yes,” said Starlight looking down at the latest résumé.
The spotlights converged into one on the stage as a fog rolled in. And, expectedly, Charmy appeared through the fog with a wave of her hoof.
“Thank you, thank you, you’re too kind!” said Charmy boisterously. “Hold your applause, hold your applause!”
Nopony was applauding.
“Charmy, this is supposed to be an interview for talent coordinator,” said Twilight, sounding exasperated.
“Exactly!” said Charmy. “And who is more talented than I, Charmy, prominent practitioner of prestidigitation!”
“That’s not exactly…,” Twilight mumbled, sweat dropping.
“Please!” said Trixie, rolling her eyes. “Trixie had more talent in one hoof than Charmy has in her whole body! And constantly saying your name is title all the time is super lame and annoying!” Twilight and Starlight fixed their friend with matching blank stares. “What? The Great and Powerful Trixie is being honest.”
“We figured,” mumbled Starlight.
“Oh yeah!” said Charmy, challengingly. “I’ll show you! My performance will blow you out of your cape! And what’s a performance without – “ she removed her top hat, revealing a large bundle of…. “Fireworks!”
“Charmy, no!” Twilight screamed.
Charmy ignited the fuses with her horn –
The Great and Powerful Trixie blinked slowly as she watched the firefighters put out the last of the flames from the Final Act’s roof. Luckily Everypony had escaped out onto the street, covered in splotches of soot. Charmy’s entire front half was practically black since the explosion went off right in her face.
“Who knew buildings were so flammable?” commented Charmy.
“Uh…everypony!!” Starlight yelled hysterically.
Twilight, who had been talking to the firefighter chief for the last ten minutes, cantered back to Trixie with her clipboard.
“Well, it’s not as bad as we thought it would be,” Twilight informed the blue stagemare. “Obviously, there’s substantial roof damage, but the fire seemed mostly contained around the stage. Both problems we can fix within a couple of weeks. One if we can get a good carpenter.”
“I’ll shoot Apple Bloom a letter later,” said Starlight, who then looked over her shoulder at the crowd behind, watching them. “What’re we gonna tell them?”
“Leave that to Trixie,” said Trixie. She marched past Starlight and approached the crowd. “Listen up, everypony! The Great and Powerful Trixie has good news, bad news, and more good news! The first good news is that everypony made it out alive!”
“Say, where’s that Svengallop stallion?” asked Raven Inkwell, looking around curiously.
“…The first good news is that everypony we like made it out alive!” Trixie corrected. “The bad news is that everypony is that the Final Act’s grand opening is being pushed back a few weeks!”
There was a chorus of disappointed groans filled the air.
“Don’t worry, everypony,” Starlight reassured them. “We’ll have the bar fixed up in no time, and then you can audition again.”
“No need, Starlight Glimmer!” said Trixie, holding up her hoof. “For the Great and Powerful Trixie has already made her decision!”
“You have?” asked Twilight, surprised.
“Trixie has!” Trixie declared. “For the position of waiter, Trixie has chosen…Sunrise Starhunter!”
“Oh yes! Thank you, thank you!” Sunrise Starhunter cheered, bouncing up and down with glee.
“Hmph, not like I was interested in serving tables anyway,” Charmy grumbled.
“The Final Act’s bartender shall be…Berry Punch!”
“Swe – hic – et,” Berry Punch slurred, taking another swig from her bottle.
“Okay, that’s fair,” Charmy nodded, though she looked slightly nervous. “Her refreshments were outstanding even for my discernable pallet.”
“And the job of talent coordinator shall go to...Raven Inkwell!”
“Thank you for the opportunity,” said Raven Inkwell, pushing up her glasses with a small smile.
“Thank you all for coming, everypony!” Trixie concluded. “The Great and Powerful Trixie is – “
“Now hold on a cotton-picking minute!” Charmy shouted in outrage, marching up to the showmare. Trixie seemed indifferent as the grey showmare bopped her snout against hers. “What about me? I was promised a job!”
“No, you were promised an audition – that was it,” Starlight corrected.
“Then how could you not pick me?” questioned Charmy. “What did I do wrong?” The Mane Three turned their heads to the Final Acts as the firefighter ponies were packing up. “Oh…right….”
“Now, Charmy, there’s no reason to be upset,” said Trixie, sounding uncharacteristically serious.
“Upset? Why would I be upset?” Charmy yelled loudly, trying to pretend she wasn’t sad or disappointed, but she couldn’t hide her wobbly mouth or watery eyes. “It’s…it’s not like I wanted to work at your stupid bar, anyway! I am Charmy, Prominent Practitioner of Prestidigitation! I am meant for greater things than waiting tables and pouring drinks!”
“Trixie agrees,” said Trixie, catching everypony off-guard. “That’s why Trixie wants to hire you as a regular performer.”
“…Huh?” Charmy stammered, dumbfounded.
“Raven Inkwell, can you create a schedule for Charmy?” Trixie asked, leaning around Charmy to the bespectacled mare.
“I’ll get right on that,” Raven Inkwell confirmed.
“Wait – wait – wait – wait!” Charmy sputtered. “You want to hire me…to perform? Me?”
“You’re not as great as the Great and Powerful Trixie, obviously,” said Trixie, regaining her usual pompous attitude for a moment. “But Trixie can’t deny that you are a…decent stagemare. And…well…for all of our differences, we were students of the same master. That sort of makes us…stage sisters.”
“Is that how it works?” Twilight whispered to Starlight.
“Who cares?” Starlight murmured back. “Trixie’s being mature for a change. Don’t screw this up!”
“So what do you say, Charmy?” asked Trixie, holding out her hoof. “Would you like to perform with Trixie?”
“…Well…I suppose it couldn’t hurt,” said Charmy, hesitating for a moment before shaking her rival’s hoof. “I mean, since you’re clearly desperate for real talent, I suppose I could offer my assistance.”
“Don’t make Trixie regret this,” Trixie frowned.
Well, it seemed like all’s well that ends well…
Or is it?
While the Mane Three had been distracted by Charmy, Sunshine Starhunter had crept away quietly into the alleyway down the street. She poked her head around the corner, seeing if she had been followed, then reached inside her saddlebag and pulled out a strange rectangular device.
“It’s me,” Sunshine Starhunter whispered quietly into the device. “I’m in. And they don’t suspect a thing.”
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Canterlogic makes time-traveling cellphones, does it?
I’m glad you liked the name. Truly forgot about the bar naming but was really surprised about the shoutout and insert. Keep up the good work because this is an amazing story that I can’t wait to keep reading.
Foreshadowing or reference to G5
*Sunny feels a tap on her shoulder*
Time Turner: Sunny Starscout, I am taking you forward to Maretime Bay.
Sunny: Why can't I have some fun, Doctor?
Doctor: Because your idea of fun is causing ripples in the timeline that might lead to big problems down the line.
All caught up! While the bits from other shows can be a little much, sometimes, you can really feel how much fun the author had writing this story in every paragraph. It translates into a very enjoyable read as a result. All of the Mane 6 are incredibly vibrant, and the chapters that are wholly original (like this one!) stand as equal to chapters that rework Canon episodes.