Jacob Vail was never that exceptional, when others were playing in summer sports he was helping his great-aunt with her impressive relic collection, but upon her death he finds that she has left him more than just memories and a dusty bunch of weird items. He finds that not all the objects in her collection are entirely normal or from our world… the one item that stands out the most to him is a statue of a winged unicorn adorned in armor holding up the moon. What he doesn’t realize is that the stone he pulled from the statue is not just a shiny rock, but something special and that it holds a secret that many others wish to possess…
Chapters (5)
Not bad, so far. It's only the first chapter, but you've already piqued my curiosity; I'm always a fan of Luna and Nightmare Moon stories. A couple of spelling errors here and there, but it doesn't lessen my enjoyment. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to the rest of the story.
You've caught my interest...
What does that mean?
I don’t know what any of those are. Also, those don’t count as relics?
10514117
im glad to hear that your interested, as for those errors, id be happy to fix them if you point them out. I hope you enjoy further!
Interesting start. Enough so to earn a track but not enough content to earn anything else.
10515241
well, I'm glad you like it. Even if it only gets a track that still means a lot, so thanks!
I'm rather liking this. Well put together, flows well, realistic characterization, good grammar- nicely done. The dialogue with the elderly woman feels a bit stiff, but overall, the effort' s definitely there. There's a glimmer of potential here, and I'd like to see where it goes.
10515365
I'm very happy to see that you enjoyed so thoroughly. My main goal with this story wasn't to write something i'd like to see, but rather something that others would enjoy. If you have any suggestions feel free!
This sounds fun
Is there a difference between a rump and a flank? Also, we can all agree that this is a combination of the main character and great-aunt’s fault right?
10521718
Rump faces backwards. Flanks face sideways. And yeah it is both their fault.
Nice new chapter author.
10522788
thanks for helping to distinguish between a rump and flank, XD.
glad to hear you enjoy it! Feel free to comment and share if you want. Im always happy to hear feedback.
This story definitely has a lot of potential. Consider it liked and followed.
Nice work! Luna's my favorite too!
Nice job, love where this goes
It's fine, better late than never. NIce work, as always!
So, I'm curious... is there a special reason why the title says 'Beyond the Vail' and not 'Beyond the Veil'? :3
Edit: Nvmd. I'm stupid. :)
Wait, so is the chrystal in his dream telling him where the other chrystals are?
Their interactions are so very cute, you got my attention, dear. :3
Earth. Places are usually written with an uppercase. I dunno if it has something to do with names or whatnot, I'd have to look it up again. It's been a while when that was brought up in my English class. >.>
Seems to me like he doesn't have that great a relationship with his family. I could be wrong, though. I wonder what the story is behind that.
Also: labeled. Only one l in the middle there. I'm not going to be nitpicky with you, lest I start being annoying. You do have a good grasp of the English language, so I'm not too worried about that. :)
I'm getting some Lara Croft vibes from her tastes, would be kinda neat if she was secretly a tomb raider. xD
Ah... the vultures already arrive. I'm curious, they already sent a representative as soon as he inherited the house, they surely can't be the bad guys. Right? *winks conspiratorially*
I'm going to keep an eye on this story, it has potential. Don't disappoint me, dear! ;)
Oops, who could have guessed that... *snicker*
For a moment there, I thought Nightmare would possess him... what a bummer. Well, either way, this is, admittedly, exciting to read. :3
Ah, my little pet peeve. The Elizabethan English is difficult, I know, but I can't help cry a little bit on the inside when people mess it up. Don't take this personally, dear.
[...]and demand that thou give us thy name and titles!
The 'are' can be used as-is, I'm not entirely certain that 'art' was used in place of 'are' in Shakespearean English, so don't take my word for it. I like using 'art' because it sounds sexier...
Thou. If you find yourself uncertain whether to use 'thee' or 'thou', it always helps to look it up. Websites like Shakespeare Translator are good references. :)
Same as stated above: thou. And the 'is' should be 'are'. You don't write 'you are' as 'you is', after all. ;)
'To which nation doth this town belong to?' or 'what nation doth this town belong to?' it sounds a bit off without the 'to' in the sentence.
Same as stated above with the 'you is' thing. Also: judgment. I notice myself writing it with the extra 'e', too, but Grammarly always gets angry at me because I can't learn from my mistakes. :D
Edit: Could be because of American English vs. British English, though. Sorry, my mistake. ;D
1. thee, 2. thou
1. thy, 2. thee, 3. thou, 4. thy
Forgot the Elizabethan English there, huh? :D
Wow, Nightmare, I didn't peg you to make assumptions! You naughty princess, you! *fails to hide her giggles*
Also: ensure. Insure was for insurances, I think. And you missed a dot there at the end of the sentence, would have missed it if I hadn't read over it again. ^^
I could swear you write titles with uppercase. At least, when you use them in the way that you mean a person when saying them. I'm not too sure about that, so don't quote me on that. Also: I think a comma is supposed to be there.
That 'we' should, I think, be written with an uppercase letter. Also, didn't you use 'wouldst' earlier for 'would'? I think you forgot that there, then. Aside from that, the sentence would flow better like 'We wouldst like it if thou were to show us on a map [...]'
Thee, my dear. ;)
I do look forward to how Nightmare tries to get back to Equestria and how our dear protagonist will hide her from the world in the meantime. I don't think people are going to react as calmly as he did to suddenly being in the presence of a mythical being that could, if she wanted, destroy the planet utterly. xD
Ah, yes. Cheerios. Fit for a queen, truly. It's cute she takes delight in something so... common. :3
Hmm. Hmmm... Our dear protagonist with fairy wings... *giggles in glee*
Too bad that won't ever happen (probably). It would be quite funny. :D
Yes! Release them! Release them all! Muahahaha! Nothing could possibly go wrong by doing that. At least, until all the villains start a war for control over Earth. Our little pony masters would make for a better government, though. Hmmm. So many fluffy hugs... *drools*
It's fine, better late than never.
And, whenever I see your story , I have to think of Wolfenstein
10613425
thank you, may i ask why wolfentein?
10613429
Well, in the 2009 game, there was a supernatural power called Veil. I made a crossover and given the teal color of the veil, I had the idea back then that it is Luna's magic who created this, scattered when she was Nightmare Moon upon banned/saved with the elements of Harmoney
Somethings not right... An illusion!
I was about to make a witty comment about her calling her superiors and saying she would hire a hit-man... Ah, well.
Jade, huh? Chrysalis, is that you?
10613431
ah i see, that sounds very cool!
10613437
WEll, if you are interested, I can give you the link to the story.
10613440
sure!
10613461
Here. It's part of a series but reading the stories set before this is not required for better understanding
10613469
thank you
10613480
You're welcome
so the stones might hold equestias villens and the ones who want the house might be either a magic sociaty or chrisalis?
Interesting.
When did he get that?
Another nightmare moon?
Why is is called the lunar chrystal if it needs sunlight?
Where did he get twenty from?
Thats cap
10613731
i dont man to be rude but have you read any of the other chapters?
10613798
I have, but it’s been awhile.
10613808
ah i see, well, the whole twenty thing was an exaggeration on his part. He got the box last chapter, and i was referring to the lunar crystal, not the one in the box
10615129
Ohh. I assumed that it was another lunar crystal.
An interesting twist you got there, nice!
Hmmm... suspiciouuuusssss...
You do know you could have asked me for help if you wanted to add in a bit of German, right?
'Herr' means 'Mister' in English, so referring to them as a she right afterward is definitely wrong there. :P
'Frauline' doesn't exist, it is written 'Fräulein'. A minor mistake, I suppose. :3
Knew it, I knew it, know it I did~! *giggles excitedly*
Getting dangerously close to rated mature, aren't you? ;)
Yay, Chrysalis, too! :3
To be honest, not that surprising, but definitely a welcome thing to read.
You know, normally I'm not the one to do a shameless plug of my own story (if I do, those actually aren't meant as a shameless plug)... Is it a shameless plug if other people do it for you? *rubs her chin thoughtfully*
hopeing we get to see daybreak, nigtmare and jacob bond
This kid has never heard the expression - 'Quit while you're behind.'
Of course, I blame his aunt for not leaving the bedroom letter in the inner vault with instructions to read it first!
Ok...so Day breaker is super Molestia
Discord?
Cadence?
Starlight?
Toten? What’s that?
Receiver? I thought she was using her cell phone.
Don’t you mean “she”?
How are you gonna ask him a question and then tell him to stop talking?
I wouldn’t have told her, honestly.
Wow, she just left him?
At this point, whatever happens to him, he deserves.
10624380
some versions of daybreaker are celestia with insane amounts of passion.
so yeah, sex is one, but there are other forms that passion can manifest
10613434
Yeah, I'm getting Chrysalis vibes too.
Dead story?
More please.