Banished to another reality by a vengeful Starlight Glimmer. Twilight ends up in a near copy paste version of the Equestria that she knows and loves…with one small difference, she doesn’t exist. Twilight played a huge role back in her Equestria. So what would happen to an Equestria that ended up losing its saviour years ago?
Attempting to figure out what makes this reality different from the one she was born in and what happened to the original Twilight Sparkle. Twilight tries to reunite with those that she was closest to and find a way to replicate Starlight’s spell to return back home. However things won’t be as easy as she had originally thought.
Though after spending time in this version of Equestria, making friendships and finding love. Will she really want to go back?
Note: More tags will be added later throughout the story when required. If a tag should be there though isn’t, please comment or DM and I will rectify this mistake.
Proofreader: Rainbow Sunbeam (chapter 5 only)
This is TwiBreaker story?
9113681
Yes, the romance tag is for Twilight and Daybreaker.
Alright. I'm interested.
This is good. I'm looking forward to more.
Interesting so far, my only criticism is using Pinkiepie instead of Pinkie Pie.
Alright this is interesting. Requires further study
Ooooo, tracking this! Promises to be good!
yay lets have a party
This is awesome! I look forward to seeing what you do next.
Interesting start. Though I'm not sure about the TwiBreaker ship... hmm well I like the concept and it's written well so I'll keep an eye on this.
9114373
The Twibreaker ship is about equal with the Sunbreaker(Sunset x Daybreaker) ship for me. As in there needs to be more of it.
no i want more
So Twilight's in another universe, where she's dead & Celestia's heartbroken soul turned her into Daybreaker.... You have my attention...
although celestia could have been irritated with mane 5, and her own fault for having sent the twin, to face nightmaremoon, thinking that everything would look good at the end
"Equestia" should be spelt Equestria.
9113831
Thank you very much for your criticism, i have went back to change what you have said and i will keep that in mind when continuing the story.
9114667
Whoops, thanks for pointing that out, i will rectify this error immediately.
9113683
Considering how positively murderous this Daybreaker seems to be, I look forward to seeing how this will play out.
You've got my interest and my attention, I can't wait till the next chapter! Good show!
9114702
She doesn't seem murderous to me. Cruel and fearsome? Definitely. Murderous and evil? Nope.
Not a bad start. Twibreaker is an neat ship and Twilight getting transported into a different reality entirely by Starlight is an interesting premise.
I would question how Starlight even knew that this dimension didn't have a Twilight of its own, but that is not all that important and can be handwaved with another spell, or something of the like.
Celestia turning into Daybreaker as a response to Twilight's death is interesting and the fact that she turned into a harsher ruler as a response and banished the Element Bearers for their failure, rather than becoming an outright crazed villain and killing them, is a nice touch. Although the way everyone seems to be scared witless of anything vaguely associated with her, suggests that she's cruel in addition to harsh. Her response to being told of Twilight fits with the overall representation of her character and I'm curious to see their meeting.
The fact that she apparently implemented eternal day, presumably out of spite towards Nightmare Moon, might need some handwaving though, since realistically speaking the whole place should be on fire after 12 years of ceaseless sunshine.
Now to to the criticisms:
There aren't a lot. There's some flipflopping between past and present tense, some capitalization mistakes and the fact that it's spelled Pinkie Pie and not Pinkiepie, nothing that some additional proofreading won't fix.
There's also a bit of a bend towards stilted prose. Twilight explaining herself to Apple Bloom, for example, sounds like she's reciting on of her friendship speeches, rather than giving an ad hoc recollection of her life story. It sounds unnatural in the context of her situation and kinda breaks the immersion.
Overall, I think this is a promising start with a lot potential to become a really good story.
9114776
Thank you very much for taking the time to offer your opinion on the story. I’m glad to hear you find the premise of Twilights death instigating Celestia’s transformation into Daybreaker and how that affects her rule intriguing.
I admit that some aspects of the story have not been explained properly and I will attempt to be more diligent in that regard to not bring about confusion in the future. The fact that eternal day for 12 years would cause damage to the land entirely slipped my mind.
I’m not the best writer so I’m glad to hear that there isn’t that much criticism for my first story. I have made the appropriate changes regarding Pinkie Pie and I would like to thank you for pointing that mistake out to me. I look forward to being able to improve my work and create a story that you, me, and all my readers can enjoy. I just hope that any future chapters will be regarded in the same fashion and not ruin people’s expectations of the story and world I am trying to create.
Switching tenses has always been a weak spot for me and is something I have to be more careful about in the future. ESPECIALLY punctuation, I don’t even want to look at chapter 1 again. I will attempt to be more diligent in that regard and will take your criticism into account when I proofread chapter 2.
Again thank you very much for your comment and I hope that I will be able to live up to the potential and expectations that have been set.
Where s spike at?
Big Mac you goof, You can't offer another Twilight for the Twilight they lost to get your sister back, you know that this improved Twilight won't be here for that long to bring closure to the cruel, tyrant queen of ponies.
that should probably be 'his sister'.
That being said, this is a very interesting start and setup for the story. I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
9115432
Thanks for pointing that out, i will correct this mistake.
I'm glad you are enjoying the story thus far
I like the concept, but you don't do a very good job with voices.
Every one speaks in the same stilted, overly formal matter.
Bloom and Mac sound too much like Twilight herself.
Fascinating. Haven’t seen many stories based on Twilight failing where Nightmare Moon didn’t rule all.
Lovin' it. Keep up the fantabulous job!
Ahhhhh I need more. I can't wait for the next chapter. Also I wish I could pick it twice.
9114721
. Still I'm interested to see how it could play out.
Yea you've got a point. I guess I just presumed her behaviour from the way they talked about her
Wether murderous and evil or cruel and fearsome, those don't initially seem to be traits that twilight would be into.
Therein, I'm presuming that seeing Twilight again, might put her on some kind of redemption path or that Twilight might need to somehow get used to this new world. Either way there are a lot of possibilities, emotions and paths to explore, And I look forward to seeing the one taken.
This seems interesting, can't wait for a new chapter.
You have my undivided attention my freind. Good show.
You know , I hope that she does go back to her own world at some point , because the amount of awkward would be off the charts.
"Dear Princess Celestia ,
Today I started dating the evil and broken by grief (over my own death , no less) version of yourself from another world.
I need advices. Halp."
9114384
Can you tell me where I find more twinbreack and sunsetbreack?
9116097
Nope. This is pretty much the first fic I've found containing either of those ships.
more
9116108
mouu this is boring
me feeling twilight going to fix the princess by grab very large book and say "twi-chop" and use book to hit the princess in head over and over again
but overall good start cant wait for more
Following.
So was nightmares re banished, killed or enslaved? Also I find little faults here and there with how there is supposed to be 3 alicorns but with everything that has happened at most there would be 2 and that's pushing it.
9116386
We don't know Nightmare Moon's fate. But I'm pretty sure from the fact they explicitly said 3 alicorns, she is both free from banishment, and alive.
Interesting... Let's see what happen here... And see what happened to Discord, Sombra and Tirek
9116417
That still leaves enslaved or captured on the table.
9116422
See, I think she isn't either of those. After all, Nightmare Moon/Luna is the Alicorn of Dreams. I think that she was stripped of her title and duties as "Princess of the Night", and instead left with domain over the dream world.
9116386
I thin nightmare is dead, u got candacle who an alicorn of love who most likely marries shiny armor and they have furry heart who is also an alicorn that make 3
Well this is getting tossed onto my tracking shelf. Great start to this.
Poor
Though I understand why Daybreaker would make sure he didn't go anywhere.
9116787
Yeah... The fault in that theory is that with the original Twilight of that universe dead who knows what other events did or did not happen
9116841
true but I can see shiny armor and Candace be togeather for support and such,
9114896
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to look back at Chapter 1. ^^
I think it's just a job related hazard for any artist, to look back at an old work and feel ashamed of all the flaws you now see in it, even if its only a few minutes old.
I sincerely wish you the best of success with the coming chapters, dude 👍
You got something fresh and new here, that can become something great and I'll love to see you grow along with it.
Twilight x Daybreaker? INSTANT FAV