Xrevias
Joined 4th Dec, 2019 ·
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I need to hear the rest of that story.
I thought it was over.
I don’t think I get it.
10516245
What confused you? Maybe we can help each other
10516452
I put the quotes I was confused about.
10516245
Ah... right
For the first one, looking back at it, it really did give an impression that the story was going to end right there. However, I used it as a transition to introduce Swift Beat for a short white.
Then, the ending paragraph was Frosty Breeze teasing and showing off to Ponyville that, yes, they were an item now. The last dialogue was referring to them taking a break under a tree's shade, heh.
Was there, perhaps, something wrong with the delivery of the message?
10516694
Yea, maybe, because I didn’t understand what it meant. I was also confused about the days and time in the story.
You know how the universe is a hologram and reality an illusion? Good cause you got reviewed!
Had this story bookmarked for a while, now I finally managed to read through it. It was a rather nice short tale, though it could use some extra tender loving care. There was a rather large amount of sentences that were somewhat roughly or awkwardly worded, making this read a bit bumpy and not as enjoyable as it could be. I also noticed the occasional grammar error or typo, but nothing really recurring.
However, a larger issue I noticed is your work with pacing. The pace shifts rather rapidly, and most of the story is more fast-paced than it should be. There are many spots where you convey the needed information through exposition or info dumps, which shoves the plot forward rather forcefully and doesn’t provide enough time to create an intriguing atmosphere. Furthermore, it’s not a good idea to skim over scenes that are rather vital to showing the building chemistry between your characters, especially if it’s the main focus of the story. In other words, the haunter Sugarcube Corner sequence would deserve to be shown in far greater detail
However, where I think you did really well was the scene where the two confessed their feelings for each other. In fact, it was so strong that I think it provided an ideal climax and cut-off point for the story.
10548146
Yeppers, I agree that more time should’ve been put into this. T’was an entry for a Halloween contest in the My Little Reviews and Feedback group. Had to rush it and all that, barely got a read in for editing. More build up should’ve been present, I agree, as well as a display of how the two blend with each other. TLC is what it needed!
In the future, perhaps, I will revisit this tale and rewrite it. I’m of limited experience, after all!
Oh, and thank you for the feedback!
(Here’s hoping my wording won’t be as awkward next time)
10548191
You’re welcome, glad to help. Let me know if you need anything in the future!
And no problem, I’m sure that you’ll figure out how to write efficiently and with smoother wording with more time and experience!