Twilight Sparkle dreamed of darkness. Her mane has a unusual streak of color on her.
Scary things occur and lead to a lineage that she couldn't fathom. And hopefully, Applebloom won't get mental scars.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Last Wednesday
CrimsonEquine
Improvement is a dire mistress.
CrimsonEquine
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
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So I read your comment from IJWAC and read your story I think it had an interesting idea. The demon thing was creative put maybe you could have stretched that part out a little more. Like maybe have the demon talk with Twilight about he was angry that his lover locked him back in Tartarus and maybe have be a bit more threatening. Also maybe the ending should have been different like that part where Twilight's mother was telling her she's part demon and how she has to live with it that might be a good end note.
All in all your story is decent.
I don't mean this to be insulting, but this story has a lot of issues. You have punctuation and grammar errors all over the place, as well as some very awkward word choice. Many of your sentences feel awkwardly short. The premise is a bit out there, which isn't always a bad thing, but you really needed to flesh it out more for it to work. Your summary is a bit vague and awkwardly worded as well. If you really want to improve this, fix your mechanical issues and then work on fixing the story structure.
Ehh, the story is nice, but very messy.The plot is...somewhat interesting but due to the lack of details it kinda falls flat.Also, because of that the story feels rushed.
And this is me probably being biased, but I never understood stories with both horror and comedy tags.Like, which one is it?what should I feel and what should I take seriously?
This story feels like something you'd actually see in a real episode of MLP, mostly because of the attempt of humour that we saw from the actual writers, but at the same time, because of the gruesome depictions of Twilight, it feels...too serious, I guess?
I like to think there's some good outcome to this, does twilight become more powerful after this? I would love a sequel where Twilight gains new powers and uses her new demonic powers for good.