- Member Since 16th Jun, 2015
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
Snow Quill
Just a bat, sometimes writes, sometimes draws
Snow Quill
Joined 16th Jun, 2015 ·
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I wonder if people are disliking this because they think it's bad or because they didn't read the tags and content warnings...
10495800
*shrug* who knows. I was expecting the downvote bomb for the content anyways, this stuff doesn’t exactly hit 100 likes lol
It's clearly an odd taste read.
The ending wasn't great... it may be dark... but, how did she die? death is dark... yes it is true... but it's not dark enough for my taste. The rapture of Trixie suffer to death would of been a great suicide death ending. Some of the details in this fiction are missing. The plot of trixie's death is also missing. Mystery tag???
The good things about this fiction... Characters are up to par.
5/10 this fiction is decent but it could of been great if there were more dark stuff than porn. Porn and dark are pretty good together but the fiction just didn't handle it correctly.
10495893
Thank you for the constructive criticism. This was my first attempt into anything ‘dark’ and it was a little rushed because I wanted to do it for a contest (even if in the end I didn’t really hit the contest standards either...). I really appreciate the comment though and will keep it in mind if I do future works similar to this.
Personally, I find more ‘horror’ and darkness in the unknown aspects, but it seems I’ve left it too vague for the readers, apologies for that. Only I know my brain and the background lore for this world after all lol. Maybe next time I’ll be able to make it clearer
10495934
well, as they all say once it's out like video games... fixing the bugs and such... it's out now... but it's never to late to fix something like this... pretty simple... take your time...
10495942
Hopping on the thread here, even though most of my questions are in:re to the previous comment. What exactly do you think the 'bugs' are?
As far as the comments/questions posed in your first comment:
How did she die? I think the story quite literally says that she had her emotions and soul sucked out. she was turned into a husk
You also seem more focused on Trixie, when she really isn't the subject of the fic. Trixie was just a meal for the protag, nothing more. The plot of her death isnt what the story is about, it is about Marble.
This I am having trouble making sense of at all. Suicide has nothing to do with the story?
And for your final assessment, just because the 'dark to porn balance' wasn't to your taste, I am not sure that you can say the fic didn't handle them correctly. It just didn't suit you, which is perfectly ok.
As someone who doesn't read ta lot of these fetishes, well written. Plot is a little weird but still makes sense.
Reading this actually gave me the idea for a potential sequel that i might end up just commissioning later
Ok sorry for the delay. Life stuff.
Anyways, this was an interesting read. It reminded me of a succubus story I had read many years ago, giving it the right chill factor for this time of the year.
The clop was good and the horror has been the best yet. But it could have been better. Like having Trixie realize something is wrong and trying to escape, only Marble is too strong at that point. Trixie begging to be set free, having her body moving on auto pilot followed by her memory being altered
10496834
I hope you have the author's permission before you do.... otherwise that would be kind of a dick move
10497080
Thank you! Though, I would like to say I did try to have a moment of Trixie realizing something was wrong but was too drained to do anything at that point...but hey, the fact you thought was it actually horror is a great win in my book. Thanks for the contest and inspiration!
10497225
Why would I commission it from anyone but the author?
I figured I'd go ahead and read the fic that beat mine in the contest. Being perfectly honest, I disagree with Brony-wan-Kenobi's decision, but I understand his reasoning and respect his right to make the choice.
From a mechanical point of view, your fic was good; any grammar or wording issues were small and not distracting. The only reason I bring this up is because a lot of authors on this site seem to have trouble with this. The dialogue felt a little bit awkward, but again, it wasn't distracting. Granted, I might have just felt that because you're giving a voice to a mute character, so take this as you will.
On a higher level, I feel like this could have used some more work. I think the premise that the Pie family are secret changelings is a good one, but it just wasn't implemented as well as it could have been. If you were trying to keep it a secret, then you should have been much more subtle about it. It's easy to deduce what's really going on fairly early into the story, and you make many comments on exactly how the story is going to end. It might have even been better if the story were told from Trixie's perspective, that way, the audience would be as scared and confused as she is.
The pacing was not the best either. A story like this should really take its time in order to retain the right tone throughout. To me, it felt as if the sex scene began and ended too abruptly, making it a bit anticlimactic. I know you can use changeling magic to justify that from a logical perspective, but that doesn't change how it feels to the audience.
Altogether, I found it to be an okay-ish story; it wasn't bad, but it wasn't outstanding. But anyways, congratulations on winning, and I wish you luck in your future endeavors.
10509190
It wasn’t so much about keeping it a secret, and I specifically did not want to write from Trixie’s perspective because honestly, it’s a bit overdone at this point imo. That isn’t to say I don’t respect the stories that tell it from the victims perspective, it works and it makes a solid story, but from the start I wanted this to be about Marble. I wanted to show her thought process as a predator eating her first meal. Now, I do recognize I didn’t pull it off as smoothly as I could have. I definitely could have padded it out a bit more, add more tension and world building, but in the end I am really proud of this story, especially as it’s my first dip into the darker side of clop. Thank you for taking the time to read the story and sharing your thoughts though.
It was ok. Could have been great, but I think it misses the potential by quite a long shot.
The idea is interesting, although it needs some more subtle explanations added to fit in better with canon and improve the immersion, like which hive they were from, why Chrysalis didn't recognize Pinkie as a changeling, or why Marble behaved like she did with Big Mac, etc. Also some details are out of place and need patching up. For example, if the Pie family were changelings, it wouldn't make sense for Limestone to comment that Marble had beautiful eyes and hips, cause they could just modify their body however they liked. As of now, it is just like the others have commented: weird.
However, the biggest missed opportunity is how you characterized Marble and Trixie, especially when you insisted on writing from Marble's point of view. Making Trixie a slut and Marble an eager predator greatly diminishes the horror factor of the story. Sometimes it even feels comical. Instead of this, if you had gone for a more innocent and confused Trixie who didn't understand nor expect what was happening, and a Marble who didn't want to hurt pony despite her family's teaching (maybe even let her have a little bit of feeling toward Trixie as well), tried her best to resist her predatory nature during the deed but couldn't, and ended up losing control and over-feasting Trixie to a husk, not only would it keep them more in-character to the show, but it would also push the horror and dark aspect up another level.
I really enjoyed this story, and not just because it scratched an itch on the darker side of my body, but because it was well executed and exciting! To the people saying it's mechanical, you're flat out wrong. This story does not feel stiff in the slightest, and where it does, I feel it is done intentionally. Was anyone a sex god their first time? Certainly not, there's an extreme degree of nervousness that comes with one's first time, and I sense that in a lighter form here.
To those saying there needed to be exposition, I invite you to think a bit less about things here. It's a dark porn story, not an epic with sex side scenes. The point is that it's just between Marble and Trixie and that it's from Marble's point of view. I find seeing things through the victim's eyes exciting, but I find that seeing it from the perpetrator's eyes to be even more gripping, and scratches deeper that aforementioned itch. Any exposition as to what Marble is would detract from the tension, as to what her powers were or how they worked would derail the growing lustful pace that's been set in motion.
The actual sex scenes in this had both impact and weight to them, which I really enjoyed! Again, there was this tension only found in first-timers that was exhilarating, and the description of the actions made me feel them (there's the weight I was talking about). This was not only Marble's first time feeling these, but it also came after a period of sexual fasting, and I can really only imagine the intensity of the sensations felt, though I don't have to imagine much as the wording of things suffices.
Now that isn't to say the story is free of sin, no. For a story that leans into the predator's pov, I would've liked to have seen it lean harder. However, I understand this is the novice Marble, not the cold professional Maud, so this is excusable. I think it could've been more polished, absolutely, but for what it sets out for, it gets in spade.
If you have a critique of this story, then put it. Issues the same. But when I read the longer comments here, I think they're at the same time retrofitting malice onto excuses and missing the forest for the trees they'd want to see there, but ultimately aren't necessary.