Pax was as normal as normal could get.
He was a normal earth pony, with uninteresting cutie mark, and uninteresting future. Pax refused to accept his role in life, he wanted to be a great hero, save Equestria! Just like the six elements of harmony!
However during his attempts he found an old a sealed away evil. Without knowing the danger, Pax struck a deal with the creature and gained the powers he needed to become a hero!
Unknown to him, he had unleashed an unrelenting evil upon the lands. After being confronted and exposed, Pax was locked away as the elements tried to seal the creature away once again.
Wanting to make up for his mistakes, Pax sacrifices himself, bonding with the creature, trapping it inside himself and then seals them both away.
Now he's trapped for eternity, leaving him to deal with his shame and guilt...
....eh
That picture + the titel? Definitiv on 'read later' list.
Looking good for a prequel. You definitely got a good setup. Let us know when the next part is up.
10455412
Agreed.
10455632
Will do. ^^
A to Empty story for anything
I just see this story us less than 10.000 long and already complet... I hoped for more. A story need a start, worldbuilding and eventually a end. This looks like a Epilog before the story started...
Perhaps add this chapter at the end?
Ever started a series starting right at the final 2-3 episodes? That the vibe i get
Whats the point of the story? There is nothing to work with... Its like i see MLP but only the very first episode one in the middle and the very last
Whats a 'poisoner'?
Typ mistake or a actual think i dont know of?
Is this story like a red button without function? Ones pushed and since it was pointless... Forgotten.
To be continued? You dont even started
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The comment section at the moment:
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The story in its hole is like that:
10455840
Dude, it's just a short story, it's nothing serious.
Picture/ Story avatar = great
Story discribtion = intriging
Titel name = full of potencial
Actual story? Nope
This was a good read. Despite what some others are saying *looks pointedly at Black--Soul*, I think this still qualifies as entertaining in its current state. Yeah, I would like it if this was expanded upon, but I still like it. Don't be discouraged, because you did well on this.
Oh yeah I also enjoyed this story, short but sweet or well bittersweet I guess
10455820
do you say ANYTHING nice? No offense, but critisism is not constructive without encouragement
Great story! very well written, and detailed
10455971
Actualy yes. Check em. Titel,description & Titel are pretty mutch perfect. Problem is that its hollow. I made exampels as well.
Agreed
10455975
What story?
Please continue
10455982
This one
10455992
I mean were do you see a story?
-Establishment of the Main Character in the story 💢
-Worldbuilding💢
-Character development💢
10455991
Story status complet...
A surprisingly vague but unique bittersweet entry, I do hope you'll expand upon it into an entire story. While some points made by other commentors were excessive and to that regard rude, it is unlike one that I've read as of yet. I implore you to expand upon it, if that is something you wish to do. And unlike some people at least they're writing a story and not cracking upon others.
10455832
10455837
You are a terrible fucking person and I dearly hope the author deletes your comments.
10456249
No need for the profanities my friend. I understand your anger but we all have differing opinions. Attack the argument, not the person.
Never use a ad hominem
10456249
How so? Were did you see world building? Were did you see character development? Were is a story to speak of?
I just say it as i see it and im not insulting. You might edit your insults out before i report your comments.
Have a nice day
10456240
Fair point. The Author already demonstrated he can write well. The Jedi story for example.
Worldbuilding 👍
Character development 👍
Story👍
Wile i dislike the story for it inaccurate nature its still well written ignoring it (since its about a Jedi but its written like a grey sith).
That why im surprised this story has a good Avatar picture. Intriging titel and the discribtion made be add it to my 'read later' bookshelf but than i read it and was like "is this a misplaced April joke".
Anyway. Rude? Perhaps... But constructiv critic is added.
10455955
If you want to have construct conversation pm me.
Its a oppinion with added constructiv critic. I disagree with your view but if that how you look it? Fine
If chapter are added that add stuff like a storyline than i would have a positive oppinion of it.
The Jedi story for example. Not that i like it but its still well written. Has also all elements of a story.
If the titel would be describing a gray sith. Kotor style.
Best characters
I’d try to help if I had the chance to, but in the end, if I didn’t succeed, what more would I be able to say than what he said?
I’m sorry.
Will my actions ever amount to anything more than that sentence? Even if I try to help, even if I do the best I can to try, to make things better, would I be able to say anything other than this?
10455820
What makes a story great? It’s the power to make us feel, the power to let us see things in such a way that we can sympathize with the emotions completely.
So far... It’s done that job pretty well for me.
The Elements of Harmony, the forefront of forgiveness... I wish I had friends that cared about me as much as they would, willing to go to lengths to help me do the right thing.
10456249
Just for that, I'm upvoting most of his/her comments.
10456304
And you...
You really need to learn how to make constructive criticism. Because most of what you have typed here is the opposite.
What? I go to hibernation for a few hours and in the meantime war has been declared in my comment section?
If it helps, I don't care about Black--Soul's comments. He didn't like the story, and he expressed that opinion. That is his right and I'm not going to argue with that. Do I agree? No, but I respect his right say it.
This is not really a defense for the story, but this is what I was thinking about when writing it.
To me, it was writing about depression. I'm not going to say I masterfully hid that message and I am so deep, I'm not that stupid. But it was what I was going for. The way you can fall into a void, feel alone with your own demon, shut off from everyone else, or at least, that is what it feels like.
Meanwhile on the other side, friends and loved ones are often trying to get in, trying to find ways to save from that void of depression. Not all have loved ones like that, I know that. But this is what I have seen and felt. The story purposely leaves out large details about the past, gives you a few basic hints, but the point is that he blames himself.
Often when we're down we blame ourselves, and our own demons often has a way to drag us down. The reason I left it open ended was because often you have no idea what is going to happen. At times, people just can't be saved, sometimes you just can't reach those you wanna help.
But that is the reason I titled the last chapter 'Hope', because there is always that. A hope.
Now either you got all that from the feels or not, maybe you saw something else? Whatever the case it is just a story, just a tiny one. No reason to go to war over it.
Otherwise you make Fluttershy sad.
And you don't HATE Fluttershy, do you? 
I added your story to my read it later section. It looks interesting, by the way, who did your cover art?
10456744
Oh it wasn't a commission, I found it on DeviantArt. Should be a link to it on the picture itself.
10455998
I really have to agree with you on this story. It was well written but it's hard to get emotionally attached to the main OC with how little we know. But it wasn't meant to be taken any farther than just for the fun of it on the Authors side of things.
I think it would have made a great story though.
10457102
Indeed... Perhaps one day... The Titel,Avatar & Discribtion make me hope for it
10455971
This world is cruel, why should we try to be any different? It's not his fault the story needs a better starting point, character development, and plot in general.
10457375
Maybe not, but it is his fault he is being rude for no reason.
I just wanted to say, I enjoyed your story. Thank you for writing it and sharing it with us.
10457506
Thank you, that means a lot. ^^
It was a good read, but overall it did need a lot of work. I'm not quite sure how to put my thoughts into words about what I feel, because I'm honestly bad at criticism, so bare with me! I can say I did like it, but there is a lot of room for improvement ya know? I really liked the idea.
I think that there did need to be some build up to the relationship, even if it was just one chapter of Pax hanging with the crew or something, because it establishes their friendship more ya know? In the fic, while it worked i guess without it, it would've had a lot more punch had it felt like Pax was a lot closer/more established as their friend.
It'd also have been quite interesting to see Pax releasing the evil or the build up to that or something. While we are aware he did it, it'd be interesting to have seen his thought process and what happened in the moment. It'd have also been interesting to see his thought process before he jumped into the portal. The story seemed to gloss over it a bit, and that is rather unfortunate.
I'll also admit, I sorta misread the summary, thinking that Pax would befriend the evil when he's sealed away rather than being like shut up you suck sorta deal and being tortured by his mind for his mistakes. I can't think of much else to bring up though, but again I did like the fic and the read! It was a very interesting idea, it just needed a bit more polish, I guess?
10457517
Really nice comment and I do agree with you.
I guess you can say this story is my take on depression. The first draft of this story was never meant to have that many chapters, it was actually going to end after the first one.
The idea was to create some parallels between what was happening and how it can feel when your all shut away and alone. It was also a contious decision to make the details vague, letting the readers fill out the blanks with information they were given.
But a lot more will be covered in the sequel, showing things leading up to the point of his fall and redemption, and ultimately his final fate.
If I was one of the mane 6 I honestly wouldn’t blame him.
Honestly, I don’t know who to blame.
So, pax is the mlp equivalent of naruto.
I don’t believe that.
What?
Rarity, shut up.
I hope so.
Also, I can’t help but feel like there needs to be a prequel.
10456695
The trouble is, and I think this is what Black Soul was trying to say, was that you fell into the "Tell, Don't show" trap.
You tell us things, but then don't explore them. This isn't even really a complete story. This is more like the end of a longer story that you only told us about, but didn't show any of.
10457952
If I did it would ruin the sequel where the point is to look back. It is then that things will be explored more in detail.
Is...this a sequel to something? It's interesting but feels lacking though I would like to read more