A multidimensional slumber party had been something the elements on both sides of the portal wanted to make happen for a long time. Finally, thirteen girls across two different plains of reality managed to find common free time to make it happen.
It wasn't ideal however, as the pony Applejack said that she'd have to leave early. This causes a question to come up, and that was why her human counterpart can stay when she can't.
Wait a minute, didn't Twilight mention that there was some kind of time distortion between the worlds. What does the pony Applejack know that the human does not, and will that change both their lives?
A submission for the "A Most Delightful Ponidox" contest being put on by FanOfMostEverything, although it was actually in idea I had a long time ago but never thought I'd actually ever put pen to paper on. As such it definitely doesn't take into account what we do find out about Applejack's parents later in the series.
A little more serious then my normal work, so please let me know if I handle it with the right care.
Thanks so much everyone. Featured on 10/18/20
My very first
Wow..... I'm pretty sure that's a new record for one of my stories hitting over a hundred views. And it's already neb faved like a dozen times
. Oh my god, thanks so much everyone.
First of all, I thought that the first interaction between the aj's was more private. But I guess human AJ got the ball rolling.
Secondly, perfect scene with dash and AJ. That was some good shit.
Lastly, AJ technically did change the past so the title is a red herring.
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hummmm. Guess I'll just say that if it is a red herring, then I guess it worked right?
Hard to answer that one without sounding like a pretensions ahole
Thanks BTW, the interaction between characters, especially Applejack and Rainbow, were really... fulfilling, to write this time around.
Congrats on hitting the front page. Crazy to think that this was in the trash bin a week ago.
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Eeeyup. So it's as much your victory as mine. Feel free to take a bow
Over 200 in a day. I don't know how to deal with this. Thanks so much everyone.
Edit: oh my freaking god is featured!!!!!!
Thank you thank you thank you so much everyone thank you
And now it's over 300. Dang, thanks so much everyone.
Honestly, this was bizarrely both stilted and frantic. A lot of pronoun issues and minimal description mean concepts, objects, and even people seem to pop in and out of existence as the plot requires. (What ever happened to the other nine girls?) Plus, Granny apparently deciding that Applejack wasn't mature enough to handle the tale of her parents' death after saving the world multiple times feels absurd.
I do like the premise, but the execution feels slapdash and the characterization haphazard at best. (Dash sincerely saying "I believe they're called arms" just sounds wrong.) There's some serious emotional potential here, but the characters are all rushing through everything and yelling at each other that little of it lands. Though I will say that the hug worked well.
Still, thank you for the entry. Best of luck in the judging.
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good luck with the rest of the stories
Thanks for the critique. The character inclusion thing was the issue that almost made me give up on the story, so I'm a little disappointed, but also unconcerned that their absence is still so noticable.
Other then that, I can just say thanks for being honest. It's been my most well received story to date so I'm not sad about it.
Hmmm.
Well, that's kind of relieving to see. Okay, then.
There’s a time difference of 10 years, but it happens to be to the exact day? It's a good idea in general, but I think the execution was rushed; so many things appear coincidental to make this work that I really can't get behind what's going on all that much. I'm also pretty sure what I see qualifies as ellipsis abuse.
The characters are kind of stiff and their interactions often don't seem natural. And, even with every character being duplicated, it doesn't seem like you made too much use of the same-character interaction opportunities—though this is likely a side-effect of the previous problem concerning their characterization in general.
More than anything else, my guess is that this could have spent a little more time in the planning stages with a little more thought spared to how you wanted to accomplish everything in practice before writing took place. Duplicating 7 characters is a pretty tough ask, even if you end up with only a subset for the bulk of the story. Good luck with your future endeavors; I hope this helps at least a little.
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It follows that my first story to get this much attention would get the harshest criticism. But I thank you for it. Others have said my use of the other characters, or perhaps the lack there of, is a noticable hole. Using all of them effectively really is beyond my skill level. It is literally why I almost didn't finish the story. So the focus on the necessary characters as well as the rushed pace to get them alone are somewhat deliberate, so there's not that much I can say about it.
I am a little disappointed to hear that the character interactions were stiff. I was trying to find a deeper level to their relationship that would make the interaction seem, if not necessarily in character from the confines of the original characters, at least believable as an extension thereof. I will work on it I guess.
Once again, thanks for taking the time to read and to critique.
Excellent story keep up the good work
I would just like to say that this is a really good line.
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This one actually had a lot of lines and scenes I loved. It was stuck in my head for a while and finally had a reason to put it on paper. Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed.