The Return Of Cozy Glow's Parents

by deadpansnarker

Chapter Five : Now I Ain't Saying She's A...

Ocean Glow frowned at his fellow seaponies piling off the ship, each one ready with a dirty look or a nasty remark aimed squarely in his direction.

“Ooo! You gonna get it now! Shame I can’t be here to see it!”

“I’d almost feel sorry for you… but then I remembered: it’s you. Hope she goes crazy on your landlubbin’ arse!”

“I’ve travelled waters near and far, seen many a grotesque monster in my time. But none of them compare to the hideous creature that’s your mother. She could teach the Kraken a thing or too. Good luck, buddy!”

Can’t say I disagree with that last comment. If there’s one thing I share with these brainless bullies, it’s a mutual contempt of Gold Digger. Ocean Glow pondered as the final sailor made good his escape, each one almost falling over themselves in their desperation to evacuate the premises before a certain pompous mare came waddling in.

So what shall I do this time: Nod my head silently in agreement at everything she says, or actually try arguing my case? Last occasion I tried that, it didn’t go so well for me. ‘He who holds his tongue lives to get shouted at another day’. Or, something.

But while Ocean Glow deliberated with himself whether to be a living coward or a brave cadaver, his ‘charming’ mother wasn’t destined to meet him first that day.

For the ‘peasant’ route she took for once with great reluctance due to roadworks, was exactly the same path two sisters regularly used to reach the docks.

In fact, just at that very second…

…………………….

“I told you, didn’t I? I said you gave him too much freedom to do as he pleased, and now look what it’s got us! A complete dud of a child, who won’t listen to a word anypony says and spends all his time reading instead of taking care of his responsibilities! Which are to keep this family healthy, wealthy and most importantly well-connected! I did tell you about my younger friend Spoiled Rich didn’t I, Anchovies Away?”

“I-It’s actually ‘Anchors Aweigh’ darling…”

“What did you just say? Are you… correcting me?! Please tell me I did not just hear that…!”

“Yeow! I-I mean, nice swing on that right hoof, dear! Really caught me across the chops that time! And of course, you can call me whatever you like!”

“...That’s what I thought you meant.” Gold Digger, a slightly overweight brownish unicorn, was not in the best of moods, as her intermittent display of domestic violence just showed. “Anyway, before being rudely interrupted, I was about to tell you about my new acquaintance. She married well, and has just given birth to a precious foal called Diamond Tiara. Do you know why I’m telling you this, Ancestors Astray?”

“Spoiled Milk. Yes, I almost dated her in my first year of college, when it was her last. Thought I’d had a lucky escape when I found out what she was really like, until I met… what is it about certain stallions, and the money-grabbing mares they choose?” Anchors Aweigh did not immediately reply, as regrets from the past threatened to overwhelm his capacity to answer.

“What are you babbling on about now? I’m starting to see where our son gets his oddball ways, and it’s not on my side.” Fortunately, Gold Digger (as usual) was far too self-absorbed to catch onto her husband’s less-than-flattering words. “No matter. The reason why I’m mentioning it is because she’s not going to make the same mistakes we did with our offspring. None of this ‘new-age free-thinking’ nonsense. As soon as Diamond Tiara’s old enough to understand, she’ll be told exactly when she can eat, drink and go to the toilet. After all, privilege isn’t a right: it’s something which must be earned.”

Well how come you’ve never worked a day since we got hitched? Anchors Aweigh was sorely tempted to cut in, but as he wanted to be buried at sea and not land he smartly kept his views private.

“Anyhow, all I’m saying is maybe if we’d actually instilled a bit of discipline in him, perhaps given him the belt once in a while, perhaps he wouldn’t be so completely out-of-control now.” Gold Digger bleated on, completely oblivious to her woebegone husband slouched beside her. “How is he going to grow up to provide for my… our needs as we grow older? Fur coats and objet d’arts don’t just buy themselves, you know! I can just see us being introduced at parties: Gold Digger, Acres Allay and their black sheep who’s always got his muzzle in a book. What will the other guests do? They’ll laugh at us, that’s what! And you know how much I hate being laughed at. Such uncivilised behaviour!”

“Wait a second. Didn’t you laugh at other ponies we passed just a few minutes ago? Like that ‘dirty commoner’ whose cart had a broken wheel? Or that ‘stupid overbreeder’ struggling with her seven children? Don’t you think you’re being a tad hypocrit… aargh! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!!” For once, Anchors Aweigh’s usual reticence had deserted him in a moment of madness.

A minor mistake, but possibly a fatal one.

“Hmph! That idiot labourer fixing his vehicle deserved it! He nearly splashed oil on my freshly-painted hooves. Also, you know my views on large families. If you must overpopulate Equestria with your intolerable brats, at least make sure you can afford them! By the looks of her fur and her smell, she couldn’t even afford to pay the water bill. These drains on society need to be put in their place once in a while, a service I am more than happy to provide. As do obstinate husbands, I’m afraid. I promise you dear: this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. Get ready…”

Oh no. What have I done… Too late Anchors Aweigh realised the folly of his actions, as once more his wife pulled back her hoof to deliver a strong blow, though this one looked more like a punch than a slap. It was supposed to be Ocean Glow getting it this time, not me! Hopefully, I won’t be unconscious for too long this time, I still have local deliveries to make…

But just as the shivering seapony closed his eyes to prepare for the impact of his sweetheart’s varnished hoof on the side of his brow…

A solid object moving at a great speed smacked into Gold Digger first, which sent her crashing against the wall to offer the long-suffering stallion a reprieve.

A few seconds later, the seemingly unstoppable pink force ground to a halt to glance behind it in confusion. “Oops. I think I hit some kind of cushion, Star Shine. Well, as long as nopony’s hurt… Star Shine?”

Realising she’d gone so fast her sister had been left far behind, Cozy Nights began celebrating by doing a little jig in the middle of the street, even as puzzled pedestrians stopped to stare and Anchors Aweigh cradled his dazed wife.

“I told you! I knew I could run so fast, you’d lose sight of me! Admit it Sis… when it comes to quickness, slickness and sheer velocity, you’re just not at the ‘races’! Get it? Hey, what’s the matter with you?” Cozy Nights was at her braggadocious best when her panting sibling eventually hovered into view, but Star Shine seemed distracted by something else.

“What have you done this time?” That had almost become a catchphrase for Star Shine, every occasion her unpredictable sister screwed up. Which was several times a day, by last count. “We can’t tell you have sorry we are, sir. My sister never looks where she’s going, I swear she’s totally clueless sometimes. Here, let me help up your friend…”

“D-Did anypony get the licence plate number?” Gold Digger burbled, as an assortment of stars and tweeting birds spun around her ears in a delirious perfect circle.

“Haven’t you two done enough damage for one day?!” Anchors Aweigh angrily refused Star Shine’s offer of aid, preferring to lift his wife himself to carry her in his hooves. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers, both of you! Now tell me where you live, so we can issue a subpoena.”

“E-Erm, that would be…” Star Shine began dutifully answering, before a slight movement of the head from Cozy Nights in the background made her hesitate. “T-That is to say…”

“Well, which is it? Either you do know where you reside, or you don’t!” Anchors Aweigh was beginning to get most impatient, if his rapidly reddening cheeks were anything to go by.

“I’m afraid we don’t. The collision must’ve been so hard it gave us both amnesia. What a shame. Don’t worry, we won’t sue. Oh well, must dash. See you in the funny papers. Ta-ta for now!” Those were Cozy Nights’s last words before her second wind arrived, and without warning she burst off once more until she registered as a mere blip on the horizon…

...Closely followed by her sheepish sister, who nevertheless tried to reassure the stricken couple on her way out. “She’ll be okay. I had far worse injuries than that during basic Wonderbolt training. Hope we don’t ‘bump into’ each other again. Well, goodbye!”

And as the hit-and-run duo made good their escape, and the secretly snickering strangers around Anchors Aweigh and Gold Digger strolled off in noticeably higher spirits than before…

...A thoroughly cheesed-off stallion only had one clue as to the identities of the fugitives that’d ruined his beloved’s day (and his, when he’d inevitably get the blame later).

“A Wonderbolt, eh? Interesting...”

………………………………….

“Oh my! You know how I hate to judge people, but just to abandon those poor ponies like that after you brutally mowed them down… why, that’s simply barbaric!” Rarity had finished putting Twilight’s dress back into storage temporarily while coronation proceedings were suspended, and had poked her head in to see what the fuss was about. “Have you no empathy, dear?”

“Hey! I felt a bit guilty at the time, much less so later. But what was I supposed to do? I could tell just by looking at them: if they’d taken us to court, we could’ve lost everything. Obviously Star Shine agreed, as she was a co-conspirator of my cunning plan!” Cozy Nights grinned evilly at the thought of inducting her whiter-than-white sister into the depths of villainy. “Of course, I wasn’t to know what would happen next… but enough of that for now. Did that answer all your questions?”

“No, not really darling.” Rarity started tapping her chin as if something was on her mind. “How did physically assaulting Ocean Glow’s parents help in getting him to fall in love and marry you?”

“Wow, I didn’t know Spoiled Rich was that old. Pretty scary stuff!” Pinkie had taken some strong stomach medicine, and was feeling well enough to sit up at least.

“Hmm. How could you tell us about a conversation you couldn’t possibly have been present for?” Twilight was typically quick in pointing out the discrepancies in the flashback.

“I might be alone in saying this, but… when are we gonna get to Cozy Glow?!” An increasingly agitated Spike was fed up with the backstory, and just wanted the main plot to unravel.

Impatient creatures, are dragons.

“Alright, alright. I swear, all of your questions will be answered eventually. Well, at least two of them. Now let’s get to my favourite part: where me and my future betrothed met for the first time.” Cozy Nights sighed with happiness, whilst fluttering her eyelashes bashfully. “Naturally, it was love at first sight. A romance for the ages. We could tell straight away we were meant to be together forever...”

“W-Well, I wouldn’t exactly put it like that, my love…” Ocean Glow dared to interject, not being quite as free with the truth as his besotted wife.

“H-Huh? Whatever do you mean?” Cozy Nights was for once a bit lost for words.

“Don’t you remember what happened? I was just hanging around by the waterfront, biting my hooves in fear at you-know-who’s arrival, when…”

Author's Note:

Next chapter finished. Not much else to say, but I hope you’re enjoying it so far and I’ll update as soon as I can. Ciao!

Comments

[Bronycommander]

Nice work! Though, I admit, was a bit confused about what is going on

[deadpansnarker]

10473067
Really? Try reading it again. Hopefully it’ll become more clear.

[Bronycommander]

10473068
Of course, I do get it. I just meant when I read the 2 arguing at the start, it made me confused how that is connected to Cozy, that's all

[deadpansnarker]

10473070
They’re Ocean Glow’s parents, referenced in the last couple of chapters. Cozy Glow’s grandparents, in other words. But I’m sure you’ve figured that out by now.

[Bronycommander]

10473072
Ah, must have fallen out of my memory, given how long it was with the last chapter

[deadpansnarker]

10473077
Twelve days isn’t that long, considering some of the other infrequently updated stories I’ve seen on here...

[Bronycommander]

10473080
Sure but there also other things that can make you forget, like apointmants that are importnant.

Though, what makes me wonder, given Cozy's turned to stone, tecgically dead or still alive in a coma like state? It's a good qquestion, given how Discord was aware, dispite turned into stone

[manacar]

10473070
Well if the parents are nice people and they left cozy glow, who do you think mostly she got left with, her grandparents, so most likly cozy glow lent how to be mean and evil from his mother her granmother

[asdtroi8895]

Why the heck did Anchors Aweigh stay with this mare? She's worse then Spoiled! I wonder if he's still with her. At least their son got a better romantic life.

“You know how I hate to judge people, but just to abandon those poor ponies like that after you brutally mowed them down… why, that’s simply barbaric!” Rarity had finished putting Twilight’s dress back into storage temporarily while coronation proceedings were suspended, and had poked her head in to see what the fuss was about. “Have you no empathy, dear?”

Oh, Rarity. I'm willing to bet she wasn't even listening to the part before that. I don't think Cozy Nights is the only one lacking empathy...

[Late_Night]

i have to say, i'm empathizing with spike rather hard rn
all i've gleaned from this excessively long diversion from the truth is that cozy's a bitch
which one? BOTH

[deadpansnarker]

10473111
That is a distinct possibility...

10473114
Certain traits are hereditary, which also may be true here.

10473285
Spike is sometimes an audience surrogate, so I thought I'd give him that role at the end. Hope you stick around though, because everything relates to the bigger picture. And I think that Cozy senior is less of a 'b' word, more of a 'p' word (peculiar).

[Late_Night]

10473304
all i'll say is if you truly value my readership here, you'll try to get to the meat of this in a chapter or less
my patience for this is rather thin

[deadpansnarker]

10473364
Well I can't please everyone, so if some people want to stop reading for whatever reason so be it. Either I write the story the way I feel it should be told, or I try satisfying everyone and end up with a mess that doesn't resemble my conception one bit. I think I'll pick the latter...

[zachary12]

nice work

[deadpansnarker]

10473391
Thanks for reading

[zachary12]

10473402
your welcome

[Boltstrike58]

Can’t say I disagree with that last comment. If there’s one thing I share with these brainless bullies, it’s a mutual contempt of Gold Digger . Ocean Glow pondered as the final sailor made good his escape, each one almost falling over themselves in their desperation to evacuate the premises before a certain pompous mare came waddling in.

Wait, there's an actual pony named Gold Digger?! And it's not Filthy Rich's wife?!

[RDDash]

Spike is going to have a long day.

[Neon Starch]

“I might be alone in saying this, but… when are we gonna get to Cozy Glow ?!” An increasingly agitated Spike was fed up with the backstory, and just wanted the main plot to unravel.

Was I the only one thinking of this when he said that?

[Stalin with Da Spoon]

This story truly makes you THINK.

[nautica]

10473402 are you going to reform cozy At some point because I would love that Maybe in a sequel story to this one or maybe at the end of this story i do love your story so far luna and spike i don't like so far in it story spike a dick in it just because he nearly died i mean yah starlight nearly killed you when she turned you and twilight into crystal and you fell to the Ground if not for twilight so why doesn't spike hate starlight and luna doesn't know the first step about remorse and things that probably if cozy could change she would feel remorse but that's not how villains work villains don't feel remorse until they start to change and if cozy does change in the future If she is not released from a stone in prison in time she will never be redeemed since Redemption requires too literally make amends with those that you hate and wronged