Just a dude reading some stories...also Hi nice to meet you :)
Jack has been having a hard time. After yet another failed job interview and getting mugged it's safe to say his day is not what you would call great. Going to sleep to forget the events of the day he is brought to, you guessed it, Equestria!
Only thing is was Jack brought there on purpose or was it all a mistake?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Me Gusta!
Good job. Only a few spelling errors.
Good work! Can't wait for more!
1169334 Only a few errors?!
I thought there might be more! 
Thanks for the heads up I'll be sure to look the chapter over some time in the near future.
Hope you don’t mind a little constructive criticism.
Well, the first thing I suggest you do is find a proofreader ASAP. I can see grammar mistakes throughout almost the entire chapter. The main issues that you have problems with are dialogue and commas.
“Hey, let’s eat Grandpa!”
“Hey, let’s eat, Grandpa!”
Trust me, commas make a HUGE difference, and I could spend an entire page lecturing you about how to properly use commas and how to correctly incorporate dialogue. If you want to, I can, but for now I’ll keep my Grammar Nazi side at a bare minimum.
Now onto the actual story itself. HiE authors nowadays are already treading on thin ice when they decide to go with this genre. There are lots of clichés and ideas that are overused when it comes to HiE’s, and unfortunately, I spot a few of them here. The first one is the “My Life Sucks” idea that is the most overused and annoying thing that I tend to notice when I read any HiE fics. Yes, sometimes people’s lives do suck, and sometimes they do want to escape it all, but this has been used so much that I tend to turn away almost every time when a HiE fic leans towards this route.
The second one is the “Love at First Sight” cliché. Sure, I guess it’s possible for a human and a pony to develop feelings for each other over TIME, but since that ponies and humans are two completely different species, I find that “Love at First Sight” is close to zero, especially with a human society that looks down upon bestiality. Again, this is your fic and you can go about it however you want it to, but the “Love at First Sight” is another thing that I tend to see a lot when it comes to Human x Pony fics.
So all in all, there’s nothing here that pops out or interests me. Most popular HiE fics are all different in SOME way from the normal, cliché stuff that comes from this genre. But all I see here is the typical things people expect when first opening a HiE. So, no, I’m not going to thumbs up or favorite, but I’m not going to be a dick and thumbs it down. All authors need to start somewhere, and this isn’t that bad for a first attempt at a fanfiction.
Good luck to your future endeavors, and I hope that you continue writing. Writing to me is a trial and error process, and the only way to get better at it is to keep trying and learn from other writers. Always accept constructive criticism when anyone offers it and try to learn from what they’re telling you. Sorry for the essay length comment. When you get me going, I can’t stop. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
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) so I'll definitely try to get more original with my future stories and of course work on my darn grammar 
Thanks for the criticism, really does help out. As I stated at the start of this story it is my first one so like you said gotta start somewhere. But really thank you this is the kind of thing I wanted people to point out in this story like the clichés and especially the grammar ( I really should find a proofreader
so no update huh :0
1284479
Sorry about that, I am working on the second chapter and am about half way done with it so it'll be out soon....ish
I'm starting to like this story....
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw6260-80072lyraartistsolarslashheartstringsmonoclereactionfacetea0L110.png
Now only if it didn't took a month for 3k words:(
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college is taking up my time that and looking for a job tends to leave me with very little time to write.
Yeah sorry about that
MOAR!
Well..this is one random story.
I can't tell if this is going to be a Jack/Luna romance, a Jack/Celestia romance, or a Celestia/Jack/Luna romance.
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That's the point!
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Which one of my statments is the point? The first? The second? Both?
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Both to be honest, I'm making this up as I go so yeah its gonna be rather random and I haven't decided on who Jack is gonna hook up with but it will become clear later on maybe even in the next chapter. Who knows?!
I'm happy with all the options :D As long as it doesn't take 2 months for the next chapter to arrive.
Please more
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I'm working on it I swear! If I'm lucky next chapter will be done in two days, no promises though
1763718
Meh as long as Lyra isn't going batshit insane on him i don't mind :)
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I'm thinking going just a bit overboard
I'm sensing a Lyra/Luna fight over Jack. At least that's what I'm hoping for.
Why on earth it has to be bananas! Disgusting fruit. Nice chapter though
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Huh, Ya know I just noticed that, lol oh well running's good for ya!
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Thanks!
1763718 And how long if you are unlucky?
But keep wrinting! I find myself rather curious about how this delightful little story is going to unfold
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i1300.photobucket.com/albums/ag83/TrollestiaSubject/Wonders/Amuse/celestia_eating_a_banana_by_2snacks-1.gif
So you don't like bananas?
1840256 I simply dislike the taste
. Don't know why as I liked them just fine when I was younger but nowadays not so much. 
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i1300.photobucket.com/albums/ag83/TrollestiaSubject/Double%20Trouble/Celly/Trolly/lol010leave_5fcb0dfaebf0579ed399ee9.gif
i1300.photobucket.com/albums/ag83/TrollestiaSubject/Double%20Trouble/Celly/Trolly/images-2.jpg
i1300.photobucket.com/albums/ag83/TrollestiaSubject/Double%20Trouble/Celly/Trolly/this_is_the_part_where_she_sends_you_to_the_moon_by_daringdoo-d4p1m5z.png
1840588 Yay never been to the moon before, maybe I'll find something Luna left behind like a moon pie or something
looooooool
The only problem i find, is that they get friendly too fast.
Meh wouldn't you get friendly with overly generous beings that exist out of friendship and magic.
Anyway, Keep going author you are doing a great job so far.
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Thanks!
this is a great story, keep it up
1977227
Thanks! It's always nice to get a compliment
Holy shit... this whole story angers me to no end. Like it's almost ridiculous how rustled my jimmies are. I realize this story has a Dark Tag, but I'm not sure if the 'dark' stuff has happened yet. Regardless of how 'silly' Celestia and her pranks might have seemed, if you look at them from a realistic point of view, they are horrifying. So far, they have been abusing Jack both mentally and physically. Have you ever had a nightmare you could wake up? Nightmares are never 'silly', there's a reason for that. When you dream all forms of rationalism goes out the window. The most basic of things can frighten you to no end. And there is no reasoning and calming down in a nightmare, no you just get scared and more scared. If the whole Pinkie thing continues he may just very well get mentally damaged. Moving on, apparently Celestia and Luna don't understand the meaning of privacy. Granted you made it seem a little bit durable, but once more in reality, EVERY thought would have been read. Take a moment to listen to your own thoughts, that includes every plan, every inappropriate thought, ect. Even in the story,
This was a thought, that Luna could have misinterpreted and taken the wrong way. Clearly Celestia or Luna doesn't know how to respect other people and their privacy in the slightest. On we go, the slight memory modification, (or so it seemed) realistically would be terrifying. Have you ever had the feeling of deja vu'? Now imagine that every memory you have isn't real. Even though it feels so real, you 'remember' doing exactly what those memories suggest, but you'll never know if they are truly real or not. Hell, to me just that they have the power to do so terrifies me. The fact that they have the most childish attitudes doesn't help me feel more comfortable. Lets move on to the next terrifying thing in this fucked up world. Exactly how would a relationship between Luna and Jack work? I don't think you once more fully understand what it would be like. Lets go into the world of imagination again. You and Luna are together, in a relationship so to say, she takes the last cookie so you want to prank her. You set up the most elaborate prank of all time, BAM she reads your mind it all goes to waste. Now lets move on to a more serious matter, we all know how powerful Luna, so what would happen if you got into a fight, much like the arguments people in 'normal' relationships do. There is so much Luna can do in the heat of the moment to fuck you up permanently, remember that you're most likely angry as well, because remember this is a common argument between couples. Due to your anger, you 'think' of leaving Luna or something of the sort, an ok scenario and Luna just modifies your memories to make you think the argument never happened and forces you to stay with her. Imagine being forced to stay in a relationship were you're being mentally abused left and right. Worst case scenario, she harms you physically. Mentally would work too, driving you to insanity works just as well as breaking your neck. (heat of the moment)
All in all, my point is: the dark tag on this story is well deserved. While this may seem like a silly world, with laughs and awkward relationships, the reality is much more terrifying. If I was in this world, I would seriously be contemplating committing suicide. I'll stay around for now but only because I expect revenge of equal or high magnitude to happen. Knowing the direction your story is heading, am I safe to assume that, that won't happen?
**EDIT**
Sorry for the rant... also, pretty nice story as far as dark goes.
Your a wonderful rever of words dont let any one tell you otherwise. I mist say luna is scary to say the lest in the show and every god wete
This man needs a doctor. I must say the brain thing made me lulz to no end keepem coming
great chapter
Oh my forgot this was a thing. Good to see it updated, sad it has so few thumbs ups.
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Yeah I'm terrible when it comes to posting chapters
3224214 I'm pleased to see you back. It's a well done fic. It may be a little 'dark' but that makes for good character building. Good luck with this fic.
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Thanks for the compliment! As for the whole 'dark' thing I think I really need to work more on that, this latest chapter was me trying to get more into that but eh I got a long ways to go
3224824 it depends on the person opinion on 'dark',While i feel ffor the guy i don't consider torture 'dark'.
Man curse me for starting to read something not yet complete. Now to wait till the next chapter.
Please continue writing more.
Loving psycho dream Pinkie a lot
Are you going to continue ? It's really good story
5566477
). Really hard to start it up again without wanting to just rewrtie the whole darn thing. Plus I need to get Word again (this pc doesn't have it and I hate notepad). Honestly I'd like to start writing again, sadly its gonna be a while longer before I can. I'm hoping to start up again either next month or the month after, provided nothing bad comes up before then.
Not sure to be honest, I started this when depression hit me rather hard so this was more of a way of dealing with that than anything else (Not anywhere near as depressed as I was then so the mentality for the story is kinda gone