"Congratulations Anonymous, I knew you could do it."
Anon shifted in his seat, ever so slightly loosening his tie. Schwartz—a balding, portly little Jewish man with a perpetually sweaty forehead—had always been a fairly reasonable boss (if only because he understood that employee morale affects productivity), but there was something about his manner that made talking to him not unlike a police interrogation.
"I, uh ... well, it wasn't anything to write home about, really, just a pretty standard deal. Besides, Walker set it up in the first place, he deserves most of the credit."
Schwarz leaned back, hands resting on his gut, and belted out a breathy chuckle.
"There's no need to be so humble. You did something today that's never been done before. Something even a great broker like Cooper isn't able to do, because he doesn't understand the market like you do. The lessons you've learned here at our firm have taught you well. You have proven that you're ready, Anonymous."
He couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.
"Ready for what?"
Shwartz poured from his chair, and slowly made his way to the other side of the desk, his gaze piercing straight through Anon's very being.
"You've come such a long, long way ... "
"Are you singing?"
Twilight believed, from the bottom of her heart, that Anon deserved the promotion.
There were, of course, quite a few who argued that he hadn't been with the company long enough, that he didn't have the necessary experience, that he'd be happier working most anywhere else, but Twilight paid them no mind. It was Anon who prevented the hostile takeover by Erikson Capital Partners, it was Anon who discovered that Williams had engaged in insider trading, it was Anon who negotiated the settlement with the SEC—if these things didn't warrant a management position, then nothing would.
"And I've watched you from that very first day ... "
"Mr. Schwartz, seriously, what the fuck are you doing?"
For all their talk of harmony and acceptance, ponies, as a species, were really quite skilled at alienating those who fell outside the norm—this, Twilight knew from experience. Her peers in Canterlot always kept their distance, always stared with their silent, judging eyes, and would sputter and recoil and turn the other way whenever she entered the room. She was Celestia's personal student, after all, the most powerful unicorn since Starswirl the Bearded, and this made her, in their minds, an undeserving rival, an unstable loner, a neurotic wreck with more power than sense—a freak at best, and a danger at worst.
What else was she to do but bury her head in her studies and her hobbies and whatever else would distract her from the horrible reality that her magic—her reason for being—made her an outcast?
My Little Human, therefore, wasn't so much a pastime as it was an obsession, an escape. Before she had her friends, she had her humans, and she lived through them, took their happiness and sadness as her own, and for however fake it all was, however idealized, she was content. Anonymous (that is, the show's depiction of him) was the embodiment of everything she sought in others, a sort of parasocial soulmate, and she came to love him, or at least the thought of him.
And when they finally met in person, the man himself emphatically rejected her.
Twilight couldn't blame him, really, for buried beneath all the knowledge and power was a chronic self-loathing, the kind born from sustained isolation. She was keenly aware of her social deficiencies, but hadn't the slightest idea how to change anything, so, when faced with reality, she retreated back into what was familiar. If she couldn't have the real thing, then she could at least indulge in a vicarious fiction, and that, she told herself, was enough.
"For it's time for you to fulfill your destiny ... "
"One step closer and I'm calling HR."
Perhaps, after a year or so of living in Ponyville, she was desensitized to this sort of thing, or maybe she simply didn't care anymore, but Twilight didn't so much as flinch when a brick flew through her window, and Pinkie Pie landed on her bed in a shower of splinters and broken glass.
"Hi Twi! See what I did there, with the rhyme and ... "
Pinkie was met with a half-lidded stare, and her greeting died in her throat.
"You're blocking the TV."
Twilight looked terrible—her mane was a tangled, greasy mess, and her fur was matted with week-old sweat and Cheeto dust. More out of shock than anything else, Pinkie jumped from the bed, and flinched when her hoof landed in a sticky puddle of what she desperately hoped was some kind of soda. She wasn't really sure why, exactly, Twilight was watching the monkey cartoon that Pound Cake owned some dolls of, but figured that ignoring it would be for the best.
"You, uh, you alright there, Twiley? You look like pretty, um ... tired. Yeah, let's go with that, tired."
Glassy eyes peered at the screen, only the slightest twitch of the ears betraying that the unicorn was, in fact, flesh and blood, and not some serial killer's taxidermy project.
"There's nothing. No light, no warmth, just this black, empty void. It bites, you know? Nibbles away at your soul until there's nothing left. They say it gets better, but it doesn't. It really doesn't."
Pinkie took the opportunity to edge towards the door, where the scent of urine wasn't quite as strong.
"Well, um, we didn't see you at the picnic last weekend, and I just wanted to check in, say hello, all that sort of thing. There's a small party at Sugarcube Corner tonight, if you're interested."
"A party."
"Yep! There's this couple from out of town, and something tells me they're looking for a third. One of them's this shaved diamond dog or something named Anonymous, and he ... "
Twilight's eyes widened to dinner plates—if she wasn't paying attention before, she certainly was now.
"A-Anon is here? In Ponyville?"
There was history between the two, Pinkie could tell that much, and, by the looks of things, none of it was particularly good.
"Now, if I answer 'yes' ... "
Twilight untangled herself from the bedsheets, and planted her forehooves on Pinkie's shoulders.
"Where is he?"
A trembling hoof pointed through the broken window, down towards Mane Street.
Anon was in Ponyville.
He was looking to start a herd.
She had a chance with her husbando.
"Everything's coming up Twilight!"
Well this can only go well. I do want to say that the way you write the characters feels incredibly natural. Throughout the story all of the dialogue dialogue has been great and interactions are amazing!
twiggy no
that's not what's happening at all
...well, shit. Why'd you have to do her like that? Hit too close to home man.
Oh, yeah, this will end well.
No, its not coming up
Bloody hell, space balls was a ride and a half man, “use the Schwartz lone star, use the schwarts!”
10771672
I mean, not what I was going for, but I suppose that Mel Brooks does fall under "balding, portly little Jewish man."
Pinkie, you might want to make sure to lock away all the sharp objects and all the chemicals under all the sinks, ole Star Booty is about to get her heart broken.
Dear lord this is gonna go bad soooo fast, isn't it?
10771730
Are you saying that a disheveled and urine soaked princes barging into a public dining place and begging for Anons hand in marriage would be a bad thing?
This story continues to provide a fascinating meta-commentary on the fandom.
Look, I watch pony. I read pony. I write pony. So, I get it..."I'm one to talk." But have you ever attended a convention or a meetup? I've done conventions. I've done cosplay. I went to a meetup group once.
I'm sorry...but yeah, some people in the fandom are really messed up. Not all. I think I'm a reasonable person. Most of you probably are too. But yeah...there are a few out there who really need help and pony is just a band-aid on their problems.
Showing Twilight as the one who needs help, is clever. This whole fic is clever. It's a story that needs to be told. Thank you for telling it.
This fic continues to frighten me.
10771747
Now that you mention it, that would be a GREAT story to tell the kids:
"How'd did mom propose to you, dad?"
"Well, you see...."
Poor Twilight... she had binged the show up to Fiscally Financial Deal (Magical Mystery Cure)
10772019
Lol
10771636
What do you mean "hit a little close to home" WTF do you try to to in ur spare time man
Well, this cannot possibly be good. Plus she knows humans are monogamous if she watches the show, not to mention he's already married.
10772042
Wallow in sadness...what else do you think I'm talking about?
I feel really, really sorry for Twilight. She desperately needs some help. And Celestia needs to step up and fix her screw up, there's no excuse for the immortal goddess empress of ponykind not to notice her student and groomed heir went down the deep end...
Oh wait she's a fan too, disregard that
But yeah let's hope Anon is mentally stable enough to notice how bad she needs said help and patient enough to somehow get that through her thick skull.
Rainbow's likely to be key in this, especially with how Twiggles's going to consider her a traitor for getting Anon away from her. Or at least be very, very sad
Bold of you to assume HR would help you.
And Twilight is setting herself up for disappointment again...
I saw the image for this and I'm appalled by the anon jar...
I'm gonna start reading now to calm down.
10772217
Would you be more or less apalled if somebody told you that the jar in that image is a reference to a very real, moderately famous Rainbow Dash jar?
If anything, I'm surprised the image doesn't also include a reference to the infamous Lyra plushie.
Sorry, but could someone please point it out to me?
10772277
Hi Twi, it rhymes. Not a particularly good rhyme, mind you, but I'm sure someone, somewhere, would find that clever--I wish to never meet them.
Oh crumbs.
Oh boy.
10772254
Oh, I know those references. No amount of alcohol is good enough to scrub them from my mind's eye.
Hell the stuff from that "site" wasn't even the worse, some of the OG stuff from newsgroups was way past the NSFL level.
Should mind reading aliens ever invade Earth I'm full loaded up with indelibly etched horrors to use against them. May God have mercy on their souls.
Being a horse must be worse. You can't just change your fur, so it's nastier to go without washing. You can get away longer not bathing as a human if you have a good diet, don't perform strenuous labor, and in emergencies: mask with deodorant.
Cheeto dust. That's funny and sad. I don't eat Cheetos anymore because I'm not zoomer, I remember when bags sold more for less. Am disgusted at inflated pricing, would eat more junk otherwise. Flaming Hot was addictive. It's a sad world we live in when companies try their best to reduce product and still sell it for as much or more.
10772281
And here I was trying to work out something with "brick" or "glass".
"a brick flew through her window, and Pinkie Pie landed on her bed in a shower of splinters and broken glass"
Pinkie Pie is terrifying in this universe.
10772317
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives. They’re the bipolar abusive girlfriend of the 2nd Amendment. Law says X, but they create a regulation saying Y, so you get arrested, despite X being legal. They ruled shoe laces are a machine gun, etc. Not kidding btw.
10773448
At what point did they rule shoelaces where a machine gun?
10773620
It's a bit like bump stocks, you can use a shoestring to simulate automatic fire on a semiautomatic.
Pinkie, NO! How can you misread that so terribly?
10773700
And once you know that tying one end of a shoestring to the charging handle of an open bolt model of semiautomatic rifle, and the other end around the trigger, at just the right length and angle to activate the trigger as the action slams into battery after being cycled by the first shot, possessing such a rifle and a shoestring at the same time is “constructive possession” of a machine gun.
10773620
A tech branch determination on 09/08/2004 and altered to be ‘a shoestring attached to a rifle as a method to increase rate of fire’ is a machine gun on 07/25/2007.
There was a reason why I kept the dealer memos they’d fax out. Recalls over stuff they ruled okay and then ban are known to happen, absolutely asinine rules that make zero sense, etc. They're purely a political department which the laws only apply to when it’s useful to whatever they’re doing.
(Almost a decade as a FFL dealer FYI)
I appreciate how you handle limerence. You don't romanticize it at all.
10772254
What infamous Lyra Plushie?
10775727
A few years back somebody made a custom Lyra plushie and put it up on ebay, with a hole stategically placed in the back so that you could-
"Use it as a hoof puppet! Oh how fun! I should get one!"
...well, yes I suppose you could use one as a hand puppet. Or hoof puppet. But clearly the intended purpose was to-"
"Use it to store pencils, of course! You humans really are clever. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to find stray pencils scattered around the library? But my Lyra plushie is so cute that I can leave it face down in a cup on the library's reading tables, and all the good little colts and fillies put their pencils away every time!"
...huh. I wouldn't have guessed that.
"OH! I just realized!!! A human MIGHT use a Lyra plushie as an oven mitt when baking cookies!!! You have NO IDEA how hot cookie sheets can be on your little hoovsies without an oven mitt!!!"
"Personally dear, I find that the best use for my Lyra plushie isn't to keep the hot out, but to keep my horn warm on cold nights."
"(Since when do horns get cold?)"
"Yeah, that's lame anyway. I use mine as a hot chocolate mug."
"I gave one to Mr. Whiskers the rat to use as a sleeping bag."
"Saddlebags!"
"Apple storage."
"Of course, Cloudkicker uses her to-"
Yes, Pinkie. I think everyone gets it now.
O for fuck sake Twilight need seriouse mental help...
O damn it... Have to wait for a update now
Wonder what happens next...
10775838
So it's a Pocket Plushie Lyra...
My god, humanity really has gone too far...
10772185
They'd damn well better help me; I'm loud, obnoxious and look fantastic in drag with full victorian-whore makeup and a lustrous goatee.
10779466
Is that canon?
10779650
Not officially, but like a easter egg
This phrase needs to exist more in the fandom.
10782633
A lot
Im conserned that Spike would let Twilight slip so hard... Unless she bribed him with gems?
10785111
Next month, probably. Got like 200 words and an outline done, but it's exam season, so not much time to write.