Thestralia

by Some Dickhead

The Spider

"Anon!"

A hoof prodded his side.

"Anon, wake up!"

The mare to which said hoof belonged clambered up onto his chest.

"Anon. Anon. Anon. Anon."

Her face was right against his, and her body was trembling in exhilaration.

"Get up, you cunt!"

She started to poke his chin.

"Come on, Anon, it's no use sitting in bed all day!"

He pawed the bedstand for his alarmclock.

"Nightshade, it's ... "

Half-lidded eyes squinted even further, the clock barely visible in the pre-dawn darkness.

" ... 4:00 in the morning, why the hell are you even awake?"

Her hooves played his chest like a drum.

"We're gonna be late, come on!"

Anon sat up, back pressed against the headboard.

"How did you get into my house?"

"Doesn't matter!"

He looked past her, catching sight of a large stone surrounded by shards of glass. If it was later in the day, and if this wasn't the third time she'd broken one of his windows that month, he'd have been rather angry, but Anon couldn't muster the will to feel anything beyond minor annoyance.

"You're paying for that."

Her wiggling intensified.

"Sure, whatever, just get up! The Spider's in town!"

"The what?"

"The Spider!"

"That doesn't answer my question."

She gasped.

"You don't know about The Spider?"

He gave a blank stare.

"Apelien, remember?"

"Right. Well, The Spider goes all around Thestralia, and when he comes by we say 'hello'. Trust me, you'll love him!"

Now, Anon had already been made acquainted with a good many spiders during his time here, but was yet to hear about this specific one. Given that it was referred to with a 'The', capitalized and everything, he knew that it was probably some weird local horse diety or magician or traveling salesman or something, and that its visit would likely end up with him having to perform some 12 Labors of Hercules bullshit. He, in other words, had absolutely no desire to see The Spider, but also knew that these bat horses would bother him all day about it, and that it would, if displeased, probably curse his firstborn to be eaten by a dingo.

And so, with a heavy heart and girded loins, he trundled out of bed and towards the kitchen, taking care to avoid the glass. Nightshade ran ahead of him, glancing back every few feet or so like an excited puppy. Her wings were fluttering and her tail was wagging, little squeaks heard over the clopping of hooves.

Throwing on some slippers, and still dressed in his pajamas, Anon left the house and followed his friend. The streetlights—mason jars filled with fireflies glued to the top of some old driftwood—painted the neighborhood a dull orange, shadows clinging to the spaces between them. The street was filled with ponies, a lively, chattering procession to the town's main drag.

"Isn't it exciting, Anon?"

He surveyed the crowd.

"I'm really just confused. Why are we doing this again?"

"Don't be like that, greeting The Spider is one of our oldest traditions, dates right back to our exile after the defeat of Nightmare Moon. We give him offerings, and in return he doesn't drown us with his innumerable children. Real top bloke, no doubt about that."

Anon stopped.

"Wait, what?"

"It's pretty easy to understand, mate. Stuff for him means less spiders for us."

"That sounds less like tradition and more like extortion."

She shook her head.

"Nah, it's not extortion when The Spider does it."

"But how?"

Her brow furrowed.

"Look, Anon, it's just different, alright?"

"That really doesn't answer my question."

"Oh, just sod off. You best stop knocking The Spider, or else we'll have some trouble."

He decided to shut up, if only for fear of being lynched by waist-high horses.

"Considering it's your first time, I'll forgive you, but mind yourself, Anon. We take this sort of thing pretty seriously. "

"Alright, alright, I get it. Don't talk shit about the spider."

"The Spider."

"Sorry, The Spider."

He already hated it.

As the two got closer to the center of town, the crowd grew larger and larger, and the noise reached a dull roar. The smell of food filled the air, and Anon caught sight of The Spider.

On a large wooden platform, illuminated by tiki torches, sat a gargantuan funnel-web. Black, soulless eyes stared ahead with an otherworldly sheen, and legions of pulsating eggs clung to its bloated form. The beast was surrounded by all manner of riches: gold and silver, frankincense and myrrh, Vegemite and those nice Cadbury milk chocolates, and legs the size of tree trunks scuttled about in search of more.

Anon drew close, and The Spider grew still. The crowd silenced, and all eyes gazed upon the resident interdimensional ape person. Its fangs parted, revealing a cavernous maw from which poured a voice deepened by the millennia.

"Oi, the tall fella in the back."

Anon looked around for a bit before pointing at himself.

"Me?"

"Ye you, ya daft cunt. Neva seen you 'round 'ere before."

"I'm a ... traveler, of sorts. Arrived here a few months ago."

A portal opened up in his kitchen after he mixed Coke and Pepsi.

"Huh. Got a name?"

"Anonymous. You?"

"Bruce, but most people just call me The Spider. What ya got for me?"

He began to sweat.

"Well, um, I didn't know you existed until about 15 minutes ago."

The massive body shifted.

"I mean no disrespect by it, and I'll gladly go and get you something."

The crowd began to part.

"Oh God. Look, I'm being honest, I'll get you some good stuff, alright?"

The Spider stood upon eight legs, fangs bared, and Anon hunched over and covered his eyes.

"Calm down, ya bloody sook. If ya don't want my ankle biters ta eat you whole, you'll head over to that 7-Eleven I saw over by the Hungry Jack's and get me some ciggies and Victoria, none of that Foster's garbage."

Anon slowly unraveled.

"Just that?"

"Yeah. Those cunts at Centrelink don't know how bad I've got it. I can barely afford my TV bill, so I might as well just get my shit from you lot."

As he made his way through the crowd and towards the convenience store, Anon wondered how exactly his life had gotten to this point.

Comments

[craton765]

Not bad. Not bad.

[Rawislon03]

Surprisingly accurate

[accidentallyoffensive]

I've never been there myself, but this is strangely exactly how I imagine Australia.

[ShadowBall]

A bogan funnel web.. Haha love it! And yeah no one here drinks fosters.

[B_Munro]

Next month, Anon meets The Snake.

[Scarheart]

lol, too real.

[atomic nom]

“Kick the ba-a-all.
yeeah, kick the bloody ball”

For real the only thing i could think about when Bruce came up

[TheClassyLeviathan]

[TheScottishbroneyforlife]

How do you download story hear I have ritan one on ones giving me clear enough help I'm new at this

[Silver Eyes]

Princess-Lander version: Toohey’s/ 4X and a meat pie

[Shadow Star]

Mistah Prime Ministah! ANDY!

[nothingtoseehere]

Could be worse.

Could be emus.

[Some Dickhead]

10305843
We don't drink it, we export it

[ShadowBall]

10309491
I think I remember seeing a few cans of the stuff once years ago at a local footy game when I was a kid, late 90s. Haven't seen any since. like you said, we export it.

[Vaguely Demented]

I’m almost upset at myself for not seeing the Bruce bit coming.

[rikusorasephiroth]

"Calm down, ya bloody sook. If ya don't want my ankle biters ta eat you whole, you'll head over to that 7-Eleven I saw over by the Hungry Jack's and get me some ciggies and Victoria, none of that Foster's garbage."

Anon slowly unraveled.

"Just that?"

"Yeah. Those cunts at Centrelink don't know how bad I've got it. I can barely afford my TV bill, so I might as well just get my shit from you lot."

As he makes his way through the crowd and towards the convenience store, Anon wonders how exactly his life got to this point.

Problems:
1 - Servos don't carry beer. They don't carry alcohol, period.

2 - VB is what we call Victoria Bitters, not Victoria.

3 - I've never heard smokes called 'ciggies'.

4 - TV is free unless you have Foxtel or a Streaming service. You get about 20-ish channels, but will most likely only watch about 10. It's called Free-to-Air for a reason.

5 - Going with a Funnel-web rather than a Redback or Huntsman dissociates the fic from anywhere other than New South Wales or Victoria.

6 - Cadbury was English, but is currently owned by an American company. Darrell Lea is the Australian brand of chocolate.

7 ^th, last, and most importantly, - QUEENSLANDER!

[Some Dickhead]

10320752
1.) I know, but it certainly sounds better than "the liquor store" or something. 7/11, hell all convenience stores, have a reputation for being cheapo garbage, which better fits the tone of the story. Been in the America for too long lol.

2.) I've heard it called Victoria more than VB - suppose this is a personal experience thing.

3.) Same applies, I guess.

4.) I know like 3 people who don't have Foxtel, more or less mandatory for actually watching TV at this point.

5.) Queensland is the objective best state, can't convince me otherwise.

6.) Personal experience I suppose - grew up with Cadbury. Lea has always just sort of existed in my mind, never actually stood out all that much.

7.) My point stands.

[rikusorasephiroth]

10320788

Liquor Store is a Bottle-O.

I'll let the possible regional differences go, but no true Queenslander goes for VB over XXXX or Bundy Rum.

I and almost everyone I know still use Free-to-Air. The only reason not to is for shows that you want to watch that aren't on, and even then, I can just buy them, in either physical copies or on Xbox or PSN.

All the more reason to go with a Huntsman.

My point still stands.

QUEENSLANDER!

[Some Dickhead]

10320816
A good solid majority of the country uses Foxtel, more likely that someone has it than doesn't.

[rikusorasephiroth]

10320824
Yeah, but people on Centrelink don't.
At least not without a questionable alternative means of income.

[Some Dickhead]

10320861
A horrible bogan that goes around extorting people certainly would.

[rikusorasephiroth]

10320889
Fair enough.

[Hipparcos]

I've never been to 'Straya, but this seems pretty close to what I've heard of it.

[carrs88]

that's it?
media4.giphy.com/media/Ll2fajzk9DgaY/giphy.gif

[skunkwolfe]

10305843
Isn't Foster's Australian for wombat piss?

[skunkwolfe]

Hosstrailia.

[Shadowshame]

10417189
That's because you've probably only heard things from tourists most animals here tend to want to stay AWAY from humans and will only hurt you if they think they are in danger unlike bears which will try to kill you if you are just close enough to them the snakes and spiders here will run from you as their first choice heck the only animal that will want to kill you is the Australian magpie and that is only in spring time

[Ausbrony]

As an Australian...

I heard Bruce's voice deep in my soul. Bloody hell...

Story made me kek at least, cheers man.

[Ali della Morte]

10488449
kek? What is kek?

[Ausbrony]

10539384
Kek literally translates to lol on World of Warcraft. When someone from the Horde side types 'lol'. Members of the alliance side see 'kek' instead. Not specific to Orcs.

[ShadowBall]

10320752
Thestralia, not actually Australia. If you were going to nit pick that hard you probably should also mention that we don't have sentient ponies or spiders (as far as I know). Also every mate I have that smokes calls them ciggies.

[rikusorasephiroth]

10620230
Might be just a QLD thing to not call them ciggies.

[Black--Soul]

Odd story. Still amusing.

[LordGremlin]

VB and darts? good choice

[Barbaric_Bob]

Banish all the unwanted people to Australia (check)
they turn out pretty alright (check)
Spiders run the government (checkerookie)