Hello everyone, Draxonos135 here. I mostly focus on Equestria Girls fanfics, and the one thing I like to do most is bring some kind of positive emotion to my readers.
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Vignette Valencia was in a slump. She went mad with magical power, and as a result, she lost her job at Equestrialand.
However, while on the lookout for a new job, she gains something unexpected, from the person she thought would want nothing to do with her after everything was done.
Her name was Appletini, right?
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Not a bad start, and it's definitely an interesting premise. I will say that one thing which jarred with my sense of immersion though was the mention of bits in the EG world. That just didn't feel quite right with me for some reason, and I had to do a bit of a mental double-check and remind myself that this was *human* Applejack and not the pony one we were dealing with here.
Also, while I think you do a pretty decent job with AJ's accent (which can be very tricky to get right) I think you laid it on a bit thick with Apple Bloom in the one bit with her. AB *has* an accent but it's different from her big sister's, and also too very much so from her big brother's. XD
But I think that this idea has definite promise! Tentatively tracking for now, to see how it ends up
10240142
I don't remember it ever being established that the human world has a different currency, so I just went with bits. Sorry.
Noted, I'll try to make AB's accent less thick in future chapters.
What about Granny Smith, though? How was her accent? XD
10240326
It's alright. Just something to consider down the road. These *are* different worlds after all, even if they both have Applejacks and Twilight Sparkles and so on. XD
Sure. And Granny's voice was fine, no worries. ^_^
10240331
Got it.
Hmm, a very nice start so far. You nailed any personality the special tried showing us of Vignette and made it into something even more, like her conflict with her family. I personally think you should lay off Applejack's and her family's accent quite a bit since it takes more of an effort to read and understand what they're saying. I'm quite interested to see what this will become, so I'll be tracking it.
10245170
Trust me, I'll try my hardest to make the accent not be a detriment to the story.
I hope you enjoy it!
Interesting... I didn't expect that opening nor the implications it carries with it about Vignette's childhood. Surprising, maybe in some ways a little to be expected, but still, not bad all the same.
Nice job with AJ in this chapter. She and the Apple family feel appropriately giving and familial in their dealing with Vignette and I like that. In particular I like the interaction between Applejack and Vignette after the day at the stall. Nicely done.
I most certainly did not anticipate that last line of the chapter either. XD
10246079
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, and it's okay, I didn't expect to write the last line either XD
Hello! I posted my review of the story so far on the forums on I Just Want A Comment. I hope you find it helpful!
Only real critic is that the landlord is in violation of Vignette's tenet rights by holding on to her property... and not giving her time to find a new place before enforcing the eviction... heck he didn't even issue an eviction notice...
Yes I lost the forest among the tree, but this is like seeing a birch tree among pines, it stands out...
Sombra?
Damn. I did not expect that at all. (Also, Svengallop being Vignette's former landlord makes SOOOO much sense. XD)
This was enjoyable. I did like the use of Sweetie Belle in this chapter, that made enough sense to me. Good to see Vignette interact with the CMCs, she's starting to learn a little bit more. (I found the joke about using an acronym funny, by the way!)
10264398
My plot twists are divine! XD
Little by little, she'll learn.
How many chapters long will this story be?
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I'm thinking either 10 or more than 10 chapters.
*lies* as *naturally* as she *breathes*.
That typo aside (and one extra space between paragraphs near the end) this was nicely done. I really like the way you used Big Mac in this chapter, I thought he came across pretty in-character.
Interesting... I'm a wee bit dubious about Rarity's antagonism towards Vignette in some regards, but on the other hand you didn't go overboard at all with it so I have no strenuous objection to it, nor to Applejack setting her straight either.
10291357
I dodged a massive bullet there, then. XD
Hehe. It was fun to imagine Vignette in the outfit that Applejack provided her. It was also nice to see her and Rarity manage to actually start moving on past the debacle from Rollercoaster of Friendship. Though that last exchange is gonna provide further trouble for Vignette real soon, I imagine.
(This does make me wonder though, exactly *what* Vignette thought the whole "teleporting phone" thing and all was, if not magic. XD)
10302004
After the incident, it's not unreasonable to expect fear of magic, or at least great distrust towards it.
10302049
No, it's not that bit. It was more to do with the hints in earlier chapters that Vignette's family were fixated on proving the existence of magic, that's all. XD
10302055
Oh right, that bit. I should get back to it soon.
Huh. This chapter had a number of surprises in it. Pleasant ones, admittedly, I didn't expect them to go to Sunset but hey, not complaining about that for sure!
I am quite surprised by Sunset having, or having been given, a personal portal to Equestria... convenient, very convenient, but at the same time I can't really fault it too much either.
I think your "them" should be "it" here. Regardless, congrats for a good chapter. Loved Sweetie Belle's nervousness and not understanding how Rarity could still want to keep in contact with Vignette. I think you covered her character really well here.
10379205
Yeah, I meant that. I hate it when stuff like that escapes.
Thanks, I'm glad you think so. Characterization isn't usually my strong suit.
Damn. Vignette's going on a legit adventure here! XD
Interesting stuff so far. Though I must admit I feel like I missed something with the last chapter. Starlight's been to the human world before, back in "Mirror Magic". Her freakout about going through the mirror and finding herself a human didn't feel right to me, unless we're just pretending all that didn't happen. And didn't we already see the Pony of Shadows defeated? Unless that shadow force has snatched up someone else now...
10484212
The events of "Magical Movie Night" didn't happen in this story, I'm sure I brought that up on the author's notes.
As for the latter, that'll be explained later.
Huh. Vignette handled that really well, I must say.
This was a nice conclusion. I particularly liked your handling of the conclusion with regard to Vignette and her family. Sometimes, the best you can hope for is just a start. Not a big show of reconciliation, but at least a start.
As a whole, I found this a pretty nice read. Vignette Valencia isn't a character I regularly think much about or found that engaging in general beforehand, but you provided some thoughtful new material with her and her development going throughout these chapters that made the read worth it in my opinion.
Admittedly, I'm still a little bit flummoxed by the whole plot development with the Pony of Shadows and Starlight's venture into the human world, I do think that could have been set up or foreshadowed to the audience more beforehand, but as a whole, I like how this story concluded.
Wish you the best for future endeavors, particularly if you ever try to expand or follow up on this!
10518851
I certainly want to try follow up on this story. I did just say in the author's note I wanted to create a Vignetteverse, after all XD
But for now, I'll keep it simple. I do have an idea for a later story, but that'll be for later.
I trust you'll be around if I ever expand upon this?
10518865
Hehe.
Keeping it simple is always a good idea. Best not to bog yourself down.
And like I said, sure, I wouldn't mind checking out if you did a follow-up. ^_^
10518887
Alrighty then, I'll see you soon then.
Family business?
What mistake?
Who is she talking about?
I guess not everyone is as forgiving as they thought.
Glare?
I wonder what that sounds like?
Honestly, I wouldn’t care if sweetie belle forgave me or not.
Oh god. What is rarity gonna do?
I would have whooped applejack’s a**. I don’t even let my own siblings put their hands own me without a few injuries. Also, here’s a tip rarity, if your gonna stalk someone do it from a distance.
Im surprised rarity agreed to this.
What the heck did he do to him?
Honestly, I would choose the second option.
But, that’s with her magic.
Is there a difference?
It is?
Will that be revealed?
Wasn’t much of a decision.
I was honestly expecting a bigger and longer fight.
Are you sure they’re not girlfriends?
Dead?