Suicide is Sometimes the Answer
"...Immortal?" Twilight questioned, tears in her eyes. "But what about my friends? I'm just gonna have to watch them fade away while I’m stuck here without them?"
"Well of course you can always visit them after they die." Luna rolled her eyes. "And it's not like you can't die. You just don't stay that way."
"I... what?"
"Surely you've died since you ascended, have you not?" Luna stared at Twilight quizzically.
"Sister, I don't believe she has died at all yet." Celestia laughed. "Maybe she doesn't know."
"What... are you two talking about? Ponies can't just come back from the dead." Twilight blanched.
"I think she may need to learn first hoof." Celestia grinned mischievously. "Twilight, do you trust my sister and me?"
Twilight nodded fearfully.
Celestia turned and bowed to her sister, who merely rolled her eyes. Lifting one of the nearby guard's spears with her magic, Luna twirled it around idly, before plunging it into the neck of her still bowing sister. Celestia fell to the ground with a resounding thud.
Twilight's blood ran cold at the sight of her beloved mentor lying lifelessly on the ground.
But Celestia said it was all fine. I had to trust her. This has to be some awful, terrible joke. She couldn't just be gone like that...
Fighting back tears, Twilight turned to face the unperturbed Luna, desperately seeking answers. Her sorrow was interrupted by a sudden pop as Celestia teleported to her sister's side. Twilight's gaze flickered between the corpse of her mentor, and the other, still living body of her mentor. She rushed into Celestia's waiting embrace.
"You see, my little pony," Celestia crooned. "It was as I said. Princesses are immortal. You can die, hang out in the afterlife for as long as you'd like, then re-materialize wherever. Definitely cuts down on travel time." Celestia rolled her eyes. "Of course, Princess Luna always refers to it as 'respawning'."
Luna laughed. "I remember one time Celestia and I were arguing if you could live on the moon. I thought since I'd been sealed there for one thousand years, I could survive on the face of the moon. So I teleported there and immediately started suffocating. I spent the rest of the day sulking in the afterlife before I returned to admit Celestia had won the argument."
Twilight felt herself go lightheaded and stumbled around for a moment, before falling to the ground with a quiet -whump-. Luna sighed in mock annoyance. "Oh come on! Now we have two bodies to clean up!"
The two sisters giggled.
"Well..." Luna continued. "I hope you're ready for whatever freak out Twilight Sparkle has planned for when she wakes up."
Celestia just laughed. "Or for that matter, when she returns to Ponyville."
"Should we kill her?"
"Nah, let's let this sink in first. We can kill her later."
Several hours and several calming cups of tea later, Twilight had gotten over the original shock, and was starting to get excited over all the potential uses this skill could hold. Why, she could examine the magical system of an alicorn and compare it to a regular unicorn! Maybe understand why the increased magical potential led to such a large size change from other fully grown ponies! Or she could use corpses to make donations of marrow and blood! She could just imagine showing up to a blood drive with several gallons of blood, oh they'd be so happy!
Then again, Celestia and Luna had made it clear that the corpses didn't disappear magically. They evidently still decomposed and smelled awful if not taken care of. That'd have to be something tackled soon into this project for furthering science. She'd probably have to do something unique with them to avoid overpopulating the local graveyard with just herself.
Maybe Starlight could think of some other way to magically get rid of them? There’s probably a spell that could dissolve them, or something...
Wait, Starlight! Oh she has to know about this! Together we can advance pony science by hundreds of years!
"I see you're caught up in the classic immortality rush." Celestia said from behind, giving her student a smile as she turned around. "What do you suppose you're going to do next?"
"Celestia! Well first, I'm gonna tell all my friends, and then I think I'm gonna set up my lab to do some tests, and I can- Ooh, do you think alicorns decompose slower? Maybe the amount of magic in one's body can affect that! Oh I need to get down to Ponyville now! I'm bursting with ideas!"
"Well there is a much faster way to get there than the train." Celestia tittered.
Celestia's implications felt like a slap in the face. Sure, it was easy and fun to talk about, but in reality? What if it didn't work for her? What if-
"You'll be fine Twilight." Celestia soothed, "I won't make you if you don't want to. Are you willing?"
Twilight nodded slowly.
"Are you ready?"
Twilight nodded again.
With a proud smile, Celestia snapped her dear pupil's neck.
POP
Twilight appeared in her bedroom in her castle.
"IT WORKED!"
I have to find Starlight... I have to... do something! At a time like this, she's probably studying in the library. Perfect!
Twilight took off down the crystal halls, running at a full gallop toward the double doors leading to the library.
"Starlight!" Twilight shouted, barging into the castle's library.
"Oh, hey Twilight. I was checking out some of Clover the Clever's works, but this document doesn't show the latest part of his spell. Do you think he ever finished it?" Starlight asked idly, levitating a scroll over to Twilight.
Twilight paused for a moment, reading over the scroll. Then as a sudden idea popped into her head she let out an excited gasp. "I'll just ask him!"
"Uhh..." Starlight stared at Twilight strangely. "Clover the Clever's been dead for hundreds of years. How are you gonna ask him?"
"I'm gonna kill myself!" announced Twilight proudly.
"Wait, what?"
"Be back in five!" Twilight called out, galloping through one of the library's windows and falling all the way to the ground, instantly snapping her neck.
Starlight let out a gasp and ran toward the window. She gave off an involuntary shudder and her ears flattened to her skull, her stomach muscles clamping down in a losing fight to prevent the bile and daisy sandwich she had for lunch from escaping.
Twilight had a smile on her face, but her neck was twisted in an unnatural way
Oh, Celestia no. How could this happen so out of nowhere?! She just… jumped out the window! Why didn’t I stop her?!
Oh Celestia… I’ll have to tell our friends, and her family, and… Celestia.
Starlight was distracted by a sudden pop as Twilight appeared next to her.
"So I asked and he did finish it. Let me grab one of my scrolls and I'll show you the completed result. It's actually really cool!" Twilight beamed.
Facing Twilight, Starlight's jaw dropped and she pulled Twilight into a tight hug.
"Twilight, I just saw you die! What happened? Is... was it an illusion?" Starlight stammered out.
"Don't be silly Starlight, that's my body, and I did die!" Twilight responded cheerfully. "I'm immortal, it's gonna take more than a little bit of dying to get me down."
"Wha-"
"Oh, I could get a good look at the muscular system of a pony who swapped species! Or the skeletal system! I just need to skin myself! Oh, this is great! I can learn so much from this!" Twilight squeed.
Teleporting out of Starlight's grip, Twilight mused over her own thoughts for a moment. "I'm gonna need a big knife and a tub to catch all the blood. But this is gonna be so exciting! Oh, but first I need to write down that spell for you before I forget."
Starlight fainted.
Starlight woke up several hours later in her bed. She groaned and rolled onto her hooves.
What a weird dream...
She ambled out into the hallway, considering telling Twilight about her dream when she ended up walking right into the mare in question.
Twilight was dressed in a bloody lab coat, with protective goggles resting on her forehead. Her mane had a few strands sticking straight out at odd angles, and had a manic smile on her face. She was busy scribbling notes onto a clipboard she was holding with her magic and was so distracted by them, she ended up walking straight into Starlight.
"Oh, Starlight!" Twilight looked up with a smile. "You'll never guess what I discovered. An alicorn's arcanic tissue is 13.6% larger than a normal unicorn's! Or well, at least mine is. Isn't that fascinating?"
I don't think that was a dream after all...
"Twilight," Starlight started slowly. "What's going on?" She already felt the fatigue and anxiousness onsetting again. Something had changed in the short time that Twilight had been gone. Something major.
"Well the craziest thing happened. I was in Canterlot visiting the princesses, and Luna let it slip that alicorns literally can't die." Twilight explained. "She actually killed Celestia right in front of me without batting an eye, and a moment later Celestia teleported back into the throne room. So then Celestia killed me, I showed up here, and I've been killing myself for the last hour and a half! It's great how much we can learn and advance science! I can even teleport all over Equestria with ease by doing this!"
Starlight felt herself go light-headed as she struggled to understand what Twilight was saying.
"But... you said you met Clover the Clever, how does all that work?” Starlight stammered.
"Well... from what I understand from what Celestia said, when we die we enter a plane of existence called Purgatory. It's kind of dark blue and ethereal looking, and if you focus on a certain pony, you can kind of... speak to them. It's really more like talking to a spirit through telepathy. I'm not exactly sure how it works though, because I haven't been able to find Starswirl during the last few attempts."
"Last... few attempts?" Starlight asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
Twilight nodded, and without any further ado, teleported the two mares to the back of the castle. Sitting there was a pile of corpses at least fifteen feet high. Starlight widened her stance as her vision started to swim.
"Twilight! There's gonna be a massive panic if anypony else sees this!" Starlight gasped.
Twilight tapped her hoof against her chin thoughtfully. "I admit I've been a little too caught up in the moment to consider that. That's a good point. Oh! But first I should show our friends!"
Starlight tried to stop her. "Wait, before you go they might need a bit of-" Twilight teleported away before Starlight could finish her sentence. "...context."
Moments later there was a familiar pop as six ponies appeared by Starlight, all looking varying degrees of dazed.
“Twilight!” Applejack yelled. “You can’t just grab me from my farm… and…” her gaze drifted over to the pile of corpses. A moment later she was running for the nearest bush to empty her stomach.
Fluttershy, as expected, fainted on the spot. Rainbow Dash seemingly forgot how to fly for a moment and plopped to the ground. Rarity just stared at the pile of corpses, unblinking.
“Hey, I like what you’ve done with the place.” Pinkie chirped.
“Twilight, what in the actual buck is this?!” Rainbow gasped.
“I killed myself lots of times!” Twilight responded proudly, gesturing at the pile of corpses like a filly might gesture to her macaroni art.
Rarity, who had been trying to rouse Fluttershy, looked up. “Yes but… how?” She stared at her other friends. Rainbow was transfixed on the bodies, Applejack was still puking into the bush, Starlight had her hoof firmly planted in her face, and Pinkie just had a neutral expression.
“Muffin button?” Pinkie offered.
“Alicorn powers.” Twilight corrected.
Fluttershy, finally awake again, stared at Twilight with some concern. “What are you doing with them?”
“Oh you know…” Twilight scoffed. “Blood drives, anatomy studies, the usual. Only problem is that after I’m done I don’t know what to do with the cadavers. That might actually be a big problem...”
“Oh that’s quite alright, Twilight.” Fluttershy smiled. “I know what to do with bodies.”
“Yeah!” Pinkie agreed enthusiastically. “Now, where do you keep your shovels?”
Starlight Glimmer grinned, "I'll get the shovels!"
"And I'll get the muffin trays!" Pinkie called out in a singsong voice.
"Pinkie, no."
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Er... Jinzou, you sure this doesn't deserve the "Dark" tag? Like, this... this isn't Kerbal Space Program, Jinzou.
10309665
Eh I was considering since it's kinda light dark comedy and nobody fully gets hurt, dark might not be fitting. But if you think it's a good idea I'll add it.
10309666
I mean, it is light, I'll give it that. But the weight of cadavers piled up in a fifteen-feet-high tower is just... it's slightly overwhelming, at least for me. But then you're the author, you decide whether "dark" is fitting for this or not.
Ended too soon. I wanted more.
Pretty funny (and accurate) the way Twilight reacts to her alicorn inmortality. Great story.
10309669
Yeah no, I added the tag. You're right.
10309672
Honestly, I've been trying to finish this since late april but I just couldn't think of how to end it, or add more without it feeling off.
10309675
Thanks!
This is hilarious! 10/10 would read again!
10309722
Glad you liked it!
10309672
Agreed.
This is exactly how I have imagined Twilight reacting to immortality/respawning!
Good piece of morbid comedy!
10309826
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it!
Bad Twilight! Traumatizing Starlight lime that.
My only complaint is that it's too short
Features on July 1st, but today is June 30th. I think I have found where my dimensional teleporter went.
Come on Twi. Your a princess. If you are going to defenstrate yourself either open the window or find a dramatic balcony.
You know, it probably says something about how long I've been around this fandom that one of my first thoughts about this was "I wonder if Shining and Cadance use this to experiment with necrophillia?"
10309943
thumbs.gfycat.com/SickScholarlyAmericanavocet-size_restricted.gif
But yes, you have a point.
10309943
Wait...do you think this is the reason they're so protective over Flurry Heart? A run-a-way Flurry Heart is not a mess I want to deal with if I was them. She dies, then respawns in the dragon lands? Or Appleoosa? OR CHS!?!?!?
Can Alicorns even spawn in different dimensions????? Ooooh, poor huMane 7.
....actually...following that thought...what if Flurry ends up respawning with Human Cadence and Human Shining Armor???????
My head hurts.
10309926
10309940
Yeah, I get that. But in my defense this has been in writing purgatory for two whole months, stressing me out. It took my that long to end it with help. If I went with my original plan to make it like 4k words, it would probably never get finished.
10309941
Actually it's 0830 on the first here, so you're just too far in the past.
10309942
No time for theatrics! We must kill ourselves as quickly as possible... for SCIENCE!
10309943
And hey, if one isn't in the mood, a quick spell to heat the corpse up and boom.
10310038
That... could be an amazing sequel.
"Where in the multiverse is Flurry Heart?"
Oh, this is going to lead to all sorts of complications...
"Trixie,no! You can't gain Alicorn powers by eating an Alicorn!"
10310066
There is always time for theatrics! Also cake.
10310070
"What do you mean get alicorn po- I mean yes, that's what I was doing. Totally. I could have sworn it would work!"
10310074
There's always time for cake.
Of course she would, hehe.
Overall, a nice little quick read, but I wanted it to be a liiiittle longer. Just.... Think of the potential, as Twilight would say.
10310082
Thanks, and yeah, like I said earlier this has been in writing purgatory for two whole month. If I went with my original plan to make it like 4k words, it would probably never get finished.
10309665
Eh, TDR's done it a ton of times in Twilight Gets A Puppy.
Yikes
Course Twilight Can't find Starswril he's in limbo not dead! The Pragmatic Mad Scientist reaction is pure Twilight, she instantly forgets to be horrified when knowledge can be gained! Ok I get Fluttershy's reaction, to feed the extra twilight corpses to her animals, and the Cupcake reference from Pinkie.. but why was Starlight so gungho about getting shovels?
10309941
I always blame time zones for this. They make for a useful cover-up.
Did you see me yesterday? I have to decide later today whether tomorrow I should visit you yesterday.
10310132
10310165
She wanted to be away from the giant pile of rotting corpses.
I love the references to Cupcakes.
10310197
Glad you enjoyed it!
That's how you know the Six are BEST friends. They will not only help you hide a body, they will help you hide a mountain of YOUR bodies.
I’m so glad I found this. This concept is ridiculous. In a good way.
Faint, and then help. Fluttershy at her best.
Oh, hey, it's you.
this is true art
I'm lost. What does this mean? Edit: Apparently it's a Cupcakes reference or something? Never heard anything about a button in that, though. Also not read that directly.
Anyway, on to the story itself.
An elegant solution to the immortality problem, though personally I'd have left the notion of what the afterlife is more vague. Then again we really only see how Twilight sees it. Still that makes it harder to make her visiting her friends later a happy experience as it is a relatively limited form of interaction. Also working the afterlife out also has scientific possibilities.
Also the timing is a bit unclear. Presumably Starswirl is still in limbo, but it's been awhile since she ascended, and Starlight's there, so Season 6 or 7?
There is the slight problem of additional matter apparently coming into existance as well. Even with a small number of alicorns dying a relatively small number of times, eventually the additional mass would alter the relative interactions of the celestial bodies. Mind you this problem is reduced by them being controlled, but also consider that the resulting proliferation of biodegraders could well choke out other forms of life... and also the biodegraders once all the alicorn corpses are broken down.
While the dissolving of the old body into the aether WOULD be a convenient work-around, the scientific possibilities would also be greatly altered. Also could still cause problems if you could kill yourself and return quickly enough, but there may be a minimum possible time, possibly related to the speed of Magic in a vacuum. It also raises questions of what happens when the universe they are in dies, but then again, if the afterlife really is primarily purgatorial, it could be that when the universe ends a different one takes its place, as in the case in some eschatologies. At that point, no old universe to go back to when dead, and the Alicorns can just trot on over to the new one.
...Now I'm tempted to write something about this.
10310066
Off-hand I'm going to guess you've not done research work, though don't be offended if you have. I say that because in order to ravel this theme out any longer, one would need a pretty clear idea on how to design and implement an experiment, and that's something one kinda has to learn. With your permission, I just might slip this idea into a series of short stories I'm working on about Mad Science!!! Probably as an omake, though, as otherwise it makes one I already have underway not work.
10310086
Honestly, I think this was a good length. It was long enough to make me laugh (actually laugh, not just snort in amusement) several times but short enough that it didn't drag. And "Pinkie, no!" was the perfect note to end it on. I approve. Have an updoot and fave!
10310508
My friend, you are in for a treat if you have not seen Dragonball Z Abridged!
10310402
I'm pretty good at ridiculous.
10310441
Gotta love that determination.
And oh hey, it's me.
10310454
Thanks!
10310508
Wow, you went really into detail about this. I'm impressed.
Yes, this is set during season six, and yes, I didn't really study anything. This was just a silly concept I got stuck in my head and it wouldn't leave.
Go ahead with the story.
And the muffin button is a reference to this. Not cupcakes.
10310509
Well thanks! I'm really happy you enjoyed it!
10310551
That's directly where I got it from, that series is amazing.
10310567
Danke.
Also I'm stuck at home and thus bored, and my own research-y abilities aren't getting used irl right now, so I ramble about pastel pony physics instead of real physics. :P
10310551
Oooooh. I've seen it but I generally watch each episode once, when it first comes out. I retain a good third or so of it that way, but I do forget some of the smaller gags like that.
And I was so sure Fluttershy would mention either black market contacts or her numerous carnivore friends.
Celestia addresses Twilight twice here.
What it's missing is Spike. ^^;;;
bro
Twilight...
Look I am not one to question your preferences but, you do remember that you can teleport, right?
Just saying, it is not really any longer than respawning at the wanted location and you do not leave a body for others to find.
10310792
But it takes more energy and concentration! Jumping out a window is so much easier!
10310648
What Fluttershy was thinking of is up to you. Only advise I have is... stay out of her shed.
10310678
I'll fix that.
10310727
10310792
I don't think she can freely teleport from Ponyville to Canterlot though, as we basically always see her taking the train. Maybe that's because her friends are with her? I mean, the Starlight mind controlling her friends episode kinda messed with that, but my headcanon is that her magic isn't powerful enough to accuratly teleport herself that far.
Plus Twilight is known for getting caught in the moment and not seeing sense. Two perfect examples? When being chased by the hydra in season one and in the spider web in Scare Master. Sure she teleported eventually in that episode, but she could have prevented the run-in from getting so close if she had thought of it.
10310797
10310802
Yeah fair enough.
On another note, I wonder if Twilight will ever try to reanimate her corpses and engage in necromancy with all the material she has or can simply make herself. For science of course.
YES!!!! Great read. Well done!