When a new evil shows up, threatining to corrupt the Elements of Harmony, new ponies will have to utelize the Elements. But, will they be able to stop this ne evil? Or will they die trying...
This is my first fanfic... please comment so I can hear feedback thanks!
Mono Rainbow belongs to Mono Rainbow http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Mono+Rainbow
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1: word of advice, don't upvote your own story, it'll look pathetic when the downvotes start rolling in
2: In this fandom, never make a self-insert war story in Equestria. Nobody, least of all the people on this site, like reading those.
Onto the story:
It's really not bad, sure you have trouble with grammar, but you're doing better than most other new authors. My advice, take this story down and start fresh.
1236782
How do you know he upvoted it?
1236976 Because as soon as the story popped up on the new story's board, there was already an upvote.
1236981
Wow...owo
1237012 I know, I'm pretty obsessive compulsive about that kind of thing. And I'm beginning to see a trend of it so I decided to call it out.
Time for review!
1) Make your scenes longer, and don't put so many spaces between each. Those two factors make me feel like I'm reading a bunch of unrelated paragraphs rather than a story.
2) Develop your characters. Give us more of their thoughts, feelings, ambitions, fears, attitudes, etc. so we can get to know them and connect to them. For example, why is Waffley so obsessed with waffles?
3) The guards don't make sense. Why don't they try to arrest Barren or sound the alarm? You said Barren has a huge bounty on his head, so I'd expect a little more from the guards than "Stop! You violated the law!" Also, be more specific. Are we talking mass slaughter of children or littering?
4) I'm not sure what to think of Barren. On the one hand, he's a black-and-red OC with crazy shadow powers that can brainwash ponies onto his side, which suggests a Gary Stu. On the other hand, the power does have a time limit, and I don't really know enough about his character to be sure. I guess I'd just be careful with where you go with this.
Hope you find this helpful. Good luck!