New Harmony

by Waffley

Prologue: Of Ponies and Waffles

Prologue

Of ponies and waffles.

Lying down unable to get up. Watching as his friends died one by one. Then, it was his turn. He was ready to welcome death, watching his friends suffer before they died, He would gladly accept death after that. The creature that was killing them was a giant shadow with sharp blades instead of hooves. The second before he delivered the killing blow, Waffley woke up Screaming. “Waffley, what’s wrong?” a sleepy voice asked. “Nothing Ruby. Just another nightmare, go back to sleep.” And she did just that. That’s his wife Sea Ruby. Most ponies just called her Ruby though.That nightmare he had was like the ones he’s been having all week. As he pondered this he fell into the bliss of a dreamless sleep.

He woke up a few hours later and went downstairs. “After those nightmares, I’m glad to be able to just sit down and enjoy my waffles.” When he walked into the kitchen he was greeted by a glob of waffle batter to the face. “Ruby?” “Yeah?” “Is that the rest of the waffle batter?” “Yes.” Sea Ruby answered, a hint of annoyance in her voice. “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Waffley screamed. “I’ll get some more after work Waffley. No need to worry.” Waffley pouted “I guess I’ll go ask the Cakes if they’ll make me some waffles. Love ya Ruby!” “Love you too!” And in a second Waffley burst out the door.

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“Hmm. Maybe I’ll throw a waffle party with the guys!” A million waffle-related ideas floated through Waffleys mind.”I know Rug Burn loves waffles. And so does Bay Leaf.” as he pondered this two yellow-maned pegasi appeared before him.”Mono! How’s it going?” Mono Rainbow is a mail pony and one of Waffleys friends. He has a yellow coat and a yellow mane, and also has cutie mark of a rose colored crosshair.”It’s going good. What about you?” “Awesome as always! Hey Mono who’s that with you?” “A fellow mail pony. Her name’s Derpy” Waffley was entranced with Derpys eyes.”Nice to meet you Derpy. My names Waffley.” “Nice to meet you too.” She replied. “Oh yeah, Waffley you got a package.” Mono ruffled through his bag. “Here.” Waffley looked happily at the package he was holding with his magic.”Thanks Mono, I’ve been waiting for this for weeks!” Waffley let at a an excited squeal. “Mono, Derpy I’m having party later. Wanna come?” “I’ll see when I get off work.” Mono Rainbow replied “Sure! Where is it?” Replied Derpy. ”My house! See you guys there!” Waffley said giddily skipping towards Sugar Cube Corner.
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“Hello Ms.Cake.” “Hello Waffley. The usual?” “Yes Ma’am.” Waffley was bouncing up and with an excited look on his face, his package was floating perfectly still. “Hey Waffley! How’s it going?” A certain pink mare asked. “It’s going awesome Pinkie! I finally got the package I’ve been waiting three weeks for!” “Wow that’s great Waffley! It’s always so boring waiting for packages to arrive, but when it does I’m always so excited and throw a package arrival party!” “And they’re awesome! Oh, by the way Pinkie?” “Yeees?” “I was wondering if you can help me with a party later on.” “That sounds perfect! We can have games, cupcakes, sarsaparilla, and invite everyone!” “Pinkie, it will just be a small party with some of our friends. It’s gonna be at my house too by the way.” “Okay then” “And remember to bring lots of waffles!” “Okie Dokie Lokie! Have nice day!” “You too, see you at the party!” Waffley wasn’t sure Pinkie heard what he said as she bolted to her room to prepare. ‘What an odd pony.’ Waffley thought.

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Lurking through the alleyways of Canterlot, a shadow started growing until it was in the shape of a unicorn stallion about the height of Princess Celestia herself. The only thing that would be noticeable about him would be his pure red eyes, red mane and his cutie mark, which was three drops of blood with a little pool of blood underneath. He finally arrived at the castle. The only things that could stop him now would be the the Princesses if they were lucky. “This should be a piece of cake.” He happened to have quite the bounty on his head. He can only use the shadows for about an hour at a time, and just about every guard in Canterlot knew who he was and what he looked like. He approached the front gate and the two guards there noticed him immediately

“Stop! You violated the law!” the guard on the left said. “Come on let me in. I just want to say hi to the Princesses.” “We know perfectly well what you plan to do with the Princesses!” “Come on, just let me through for a second.” “Not a chance, Barren!” “You know who I am, know what I’m capable of and still won’t let me through.?” The guards were shaking, but they still had kept their cool, somewhat. “We will NEVER let you through!” “Pity. I was willing to let you continue you living your lives, but now I guess I’ll just make you part of my special forces.” He slowly approached the frightened guards.

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Waffley got home after his wife had left for work, she owned a small jewelry shop near Sugar Cube Corner it was called Jewels 4 Everyone. Waffley had to get ready for work soon too. A waffle baker had a lot of responsibilities. He carefully opened a package and inside was a gold necklace with a big ruby in the middle. On the back was an inscription that read ‘My little gemstone, I will love you forever.’ “It’s perfect.” Waffley said with a warm smile .“I'd better get to work though.” Waffley hid the necklace behind the dresser and went to work.

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“Sir?” A pitch black pony in the shape of one of the royal guards spoke. “Yes Lightning Blaze?” Barren replied “We infiltrated the castle, the time to start the attack should be about Midnight. That is when there will be the least amount of guards.” “Excellent! I’ll prepare the soldiers. You are dismissed.” “As you wish, Lord Barren.” Lightning Blaze silently flew away. War will soon start .The princesses will fall and I will rule. Barren smiled to himself and laughed.

Comments

[Mr Ignorable]

1: word of advice, don't upvote your own story, it'll look pathetic when the downvotes start rolling in

2: In this fandom, never make a self-insert war story in Equestria. Nobody, least of all the people on this site, like reading those.

Onto the story:

It's really not bad, sure you have trouble with grammar, but you're doing better than most other new authors. My advice, take this story down and start fresh.

[HIDEMYPAST]

1236782

How do you know he upvoted it?

[Mr Ignorable]

1236976 Because as soon as the story popped up on the new story's board, there was already an upvote.

[HIDEMYPAST]

1236981

Wow...owo

[Mr Ignorable]

1237012 I know, I'm pretty obsessive compulsive about that kind of thing. And I'm beginning to see a trend of it so I decided to call it out.

[Scribblestick]

Time for review!

1) Make your scenes longer, and don't put so many spaces between each. Those two factors make me feel like I'm reading a bunch of unrelated paragraphs rather than a story.

2) Develop your characters. Give us more of their thoughts, feelings, ambitions, fears, attitudes, etc. so we can get to know them and connect to them. For example, why is Waffley so obsessed with waffles?

3) The guards don't make sense. Why don't they try to arrest Barren or sound the alarm? You said Barren has a huge bounty on his head, so I'd expect a little more from the guards than "Stop! You violated the law!" Also, be more specific. Are we talking mass slaughter of children or littering?

4) I'm not sure what to think of Barren. On the one hand, he's a black-and-red OC with crazy shadow powers that can brainwash ponies onto his side, which suggests a Gary Stu. On the other hand, the power does have a time limit, and I don't really know enough about his character to be sure. I guess I'd just be careful with where you go with this.

Hope you find this helpful. Good luck!