“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.” - Patrick Rothfuss
At a Hearth's Warming party at Sweet Apple Acres, Tempest Shadow is shown a picture of the Apple parents. And she reveals a terrible truth - she's seen Bright Mac and Pear Butter before, as prisoners of the Storm King.
Neither Tempest nor Applejack even question that they're going to attempt a rescue. But the Citadel of Storms is a long way from Ponyville, and there's the problem of the entire army in their way...
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I am glad you touched on Tempest trying to free every pony still in chains. Otherwise there'd be some deeply unfortunate implications here.
In any case, eagerly looking forward to seeing where you go with this... though I can't help but think that getting a little backup might be a good idea. If nothing else, they'll want to inform someone else where they're headed.
Tempting fate, are we?
Alright, I'll bite:
All jokes aside, you've certainly got my attention. Eagerly awaiting to see where this goes!
Well that's a heck of a premise!
This fanfic looks promising. I haven’t seen a fanfic where Tempest interacts with Applejack, and there’s potential for worldbuilding involving the Storm King.
Thanks for giving me credit for the idea! I hope this turns out to be a thrilling adventure!
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I'm more than happy to have! I was actually worried you might take offense - I don't want to detract from your story in the least! It just inspired me to try and take the idea further and it would be terribly poor form of me not to credit the person who came up with the initial idea.
Tempest revisiting the hippogriffs would be interesting to see, but I suppose it's outside of the scope of this story.
Does this take place after season 9?
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Yes - roughly in the winter after the coronation.
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I asked because I was wondering who was running the school. I just realised that Twilight isn't with them. D'oh.
10181168
Good riddance.
In hindsight, there wasn't any way they'd be able to sneak off with the rest unawares. Good to see Applejack will have plenty of backup for this one. Though a stop over at Silver Shores might not be out of the question. I'm just saying, Celestia might think the idea sounds fun...
10181082
I'm a little surprised there's still an army left, in that case.
You did some excellent work with both the emotions with Applejack on how she was feeling about this (which I was craving since Chapter 1) and her interactions with Tempest were exactly how I'd imagine it would go. Pinkie and Fluttershy were a treat like always. And the little character development with AJ's parents were great as well (again, exactly how I'd imagine they be).This chapter gave me all kinds of feels and was definitely filler I enjoyed. Keep it up!
If I counted right (I honestly don't think I did) Tempest is currently 24, so if she spent 10 years in service of Storm King, and two years after that making it up for it, and if that was half her life, then she joined forces with the Storm King when she was 12. Yikes, she was barely older than the CMC when she joined.....
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From what we've seen established in secondary (mostly comic) sources, the Storm King's empire covered a pretty huge amount of territory - we know he conquered the Abyssinians and was strong enough to defeat the hippogriffs (who were at least theoretically at least Crystal Empire-level strength if not greater). And he'd had that level of strength established for a number of years - long enough for a generation of seaponies to grow up without knowing the surface.
When you're that powerful and have that much territory, it takes time even in full collapse. And Equestria only really defeated the Storm King himself in the movie - those distant locations would likely have splintered off into their own fiefdoms.
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It's a best guess, honestly. Her flashback says she was almost certainly early teens at most when she had her injury. And since she appears to be roughly the same age as the main cast in the movie and we know from the hippogriffs that it's been a decade at minumum, that number's about right. (Of course 'appears to be the same age' is tough since Equestrians seem to have four ages - foal, adult, lines under the eyes, Granny Smith.)
There's a verb missing from this clause.
I'm concerned that the other four characters won't have much to do in this fanfic.
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They'll have their contributions, but Applejack and Tempest are absolutely the focus characters.
Tempest reverting into Military planning had me laughing/
But she did answer a single thing.
I like the characterisation of Tempest at the end.
10206568
That bit's actually taken from a veteran friend of mine - he'll occasionally just fall into whole paragraphs of incomprehensible jibberish that the rest of us don't understand at all. Then follow up with "I'm speaking jarhead again, aren't I."
Pretty ok chapter like the one before it, but it didn't quite left much of an impression on me as Chapter 1 and 2 did.
It was about time Tempest addressed to the group the fact that she hasn't been with them for the majority of their memories (I totally saw it coming after her confusion with everyone's uneasiness with Rainbow's comment about Scootaloo). That Twilight comparison, as well intentioned as it was, totally made things worse. Since the conversion ended so abruptly, I expect a similar one to be arising again later in the story. I also have a bit of a hunch that the next few chapters aren't going to be as chill and easy going as these were, since this story was tagged violence for a reason.
Funny you say that, I was watching a clip of Avatar: The Last Airbender recently and I imagined Tempest being exactly like Azula in a beach-themed episode during the volleyball game. In case you haven't watched it, Azula commanded her volleyball team like she was commanding a military force (even if it was supposed to be fun), and it was pretty hilarious. Her team pretty much crushed the other one, right down to setting the volleyball net on fire.
Begin the Apple Family Army Mobilization! Wait-
Why does this suddenly shift into Rarity's dialogue?
Applejack didn't mention work.
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Honestly, this is the weakest one in the story and the one I'm the least happy about. In large part because it's three chapters squished down into one - something was needed here to establish plot flow and a few points, but the original outline was a mess of wasted space. (There were going to be nearly as many chapters spent in Shire Lanka waiting for a damn boat as there were in the actual breakout.) As a result of crunching it all together, the result was something I'm still not satisfied with and has a frustrating disjointedness (as pointed out by 10219696). But it's serviceable enough.
I love how Tempest is all ready to go with valid tactics to each goal and then the Mane 6 are just like: 'Well Actually...'
Crab Apple is totally going to send word to the rest of the Apple Family the second he hits port, isn’t he. AJ had better be ready for a full sized family reunion as soon as they get back to Ponyville.
The talk of this “nephew,” the Storm Scion gave me a thought. “Better an evil ruler than an incompetent one,” is how the saying goes. If the Storm Scion is as useless as Tempest says do you think the Storm Army might change it to “better a traitor commander than an incompetent one?”
This was surprisingly quick.
Ooh, twist. Can't wait to see what happens!
I'm slightly worried for the prisoner's reactions to Tempest tbh. Although it was definitely heartwarming to see Bright Mac's reaction to Fluttershy and Rarity's stories of his family.
Oh man, oh man, I'm already starting to get the feels and we have yet to have the scene where Applejack officially reunites with her parents. This chapter definitely felt like a step up from the previous one, though I may be biased due to the fact that we got to see Bright Mac. I really enjoyed reading both his introduction and Rarity's description with Fluttershy's assist of the Apple children and Granny Smith.
10242003
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I'm glad that sequence worked out - when I started with the outline, there were three scenes that I locked in and wrote ahead of time: Tempest's confession in the orchard, Rarity telling Bright Mac about the Apple family and the upcoming (in 4-5 chapters-ish) finale scene. All three of those sat on my scratchpad for weeks while the rest of the story built around them - so I'm glad to see one of them went off as hoped.
Surprise, and Fear! And an almost fanatical devotion to Harmony!
Angel's reaction to Fluttershy in a bunny costume must've been priceless.
All those titles make Applejack sound like the Doctor.
Nitpick: the Abyssinian kingdom is called Abyssinia.
Are all the chapters named after songs?
10242872
They are - the first chapter's title just sort of demanded it, and the rest fell into a pattern from there.
Wow, that was epic! I like the little talk with Rainbow. Everything Tempest said was true, I like how you show how well she knows the mane 6 even though they aren't that close. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Holy Shit! Tempest being badass?! YES! This is why this story checks all the boxes! Emotion! Angst! Feels! Plot! Badassery!
So, starting off, this was just a nice and simple but well-composed short adventure with some great exploration of the characters. This chapter, though, and the dialogue with Bright Mac? Hit me right in the heart, it did.
I can't wait to see what happens next! I like how you had Pinkie say "Fizzie" instead of "Tempest". It'll make for some interesting suspense once Bright Mac finds out it's the Commander of the Storm Guards leading the charge. And "Uncle". That scene was priceless.
This story feels more rushed than it actually is. Maybe it’s because I expect fanfics of this nature to be super-long, or maybe it’s just how I always feel when I read ongoing fanfics. What I can say for sure, though, is that the visual descriptions are rather sparse. I thought the characters were still indoors, for example. On the positive side, I liked how you incorporated Rarity and Rainbow’s personalities into the fight scene.
Now I cannot wait for the enslaved ponies reactions to Tempest leading the charge. I bet Bright Macs reaction will be priceless
10266314
Normally, I'm a short/flash fiction writer. The majority of my library here - and far more of my work elsewhere - is focused on super-small stories. My writing typically is fast, to the point and minimalist.
That's partially why I'm putting in the effort to have lengthier ongoings like this one: I'm at my weakest when doing long-form writing. Pacing (as the middle chapters show) is a particular weakness of mine. So you're quite correct in your observations - we all have our shortcomings, after all! And this story's part of my efforts to improve at those.
10266314 10266377 Personally, I like that this isn't needlessly drawn out over dozens or even hundreds of chapters. It's a nice change of pace.
10266396
If you think of the story taking place in an actual set of 2 or 3 episodes the pacing feels just right for that.
I'd say this story is much better than mine. The conflict us far more intense, and I LOVE the character infractions here. Everypony is involved, we're seeing an actual well thought out plan coming together, and I can't begin to describe the detail and wit in your writing. It really does remind me of the works of Brian Jacques. Excellent job. Also, I don't think it's rushed at all. The pacing you got here is just fine.
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I disagree - we both wrote very different stories. I'd never compare them, and you're into the aftermath with your sequel far more than I plan on touching on. But still, that's high praise!
Ah... that reaction was what I was waiting for, now time to see badass Tempest fight the entire storm guard.
There's the reaction, finally. Can't wait to see-well, for Bright Mac to see-Temp fighting off all those guards. Looking forward to another chapter!
"The dolphin happily chittered. Fluttershy nickered back and rubbed noses with it."
FLUTTERSHY NO!!!! WATCH OUT FOR DISEASES FROM THESE RAPISTS!!!
What a great premise! And that music video really sets the stakes. Go get em girl 🐎