A young video game loving, guns a blazing, and closet Brony, Airman on leave guy goes on a shooting trip that was supposed to be relaxing. But fate sends him to an unlikely place... The Everfree Forest! Can he use his military training to get home? Can he help a young filly and a misunderstood Princess get home? Will he help a restless ghost receive justice and peace? Will he rid Equestria of the Blanks and the Bloody Hooves? And will he just accept being a brony? Takes place in CreepyPasta universe of Story of the Blanks and Super Filly adventure fan games.
NOTE!!: This story is currently in the process of being re-written/heavily edited. Many of the flaws of the story will get fixed in the following months. The story ( while technically complete ) will be labeled as incomplete. I'm also adding a new scene and I'm thinking of adding non-canon endings but as of now, misspellings, grammar mistakes, multiple POVs, and any other areas that need fixing will be my main focus for this. Chapters that have been edited with be marked with an asterisk. Whether a chapter has been redone or not redone, I hope you'll enjoy the story either way. If you have any questions or comments, please let me know. Thanks!!
I'll get to the rest of the story later, but one problem I see here is you went into WAAAAY too much detail about the guns. Nobody wants to hear everything he has and all the ammo he took, nor the quantity in which he has it. It might be important later on, but really?
Other than that, it's written okay. I've seen much, much worse in the way of HiE. I'll go at the rest and see how it goes.
1122360 Erm, okay I get it that you don't care about the guns, but really that is just the type of stuff I like, and it's supposed to show more about his odd interests. And I'm pretty sure there is at least one person out there who likes it. I don't really see how its a problem of the story though.
1122355 I take it you like it? Ahaha nice video, clip!
I love a good lol.
Actually, it's really not that bad. Characters are written pretty well (with the exception of Luna gushing over his handsomeness already), and the plot seems decent. I would hope the main character doesn't become a Marty Stu, though, considering his noble amassment of guns and tendency to talk to himself in crappy one-liners can sometimes indicate him as such (or as a wannabe Stu).
Only real problem is that sometimes the dialogue can be stale. For instance,
"That sounds like a plan to me, but only what are we going to do when we try to get our Cutie Marks?"
Sounds a bit robotic.. Remember, you can use "it's" instead of "it is" when you don't want emphasis on something. The difference here is between "It is a beautiful day outside. I think I will go for a walk.", instead of "It's a beautiful day outside. I think I'll go for a walk.". Sometimes those subtle differences make it sound just a little better.
Overall, very good. I've definitely experienced bad HiE, and bad fics in general, but thankfully yours isn't one of them. Now keep it that way! And, if you so feel the need, maybe get a prereader/proofreader. They'll catch most of those little issues and help you fix 'em. Good luck.
Okay, this is a cool story! I hope Konrad and Luna will speak with each other... :)
1122383
The fact that they're in there isn't a problem. The problem is that you talked about them way too much. It's fine if your main character likes guns, but what you seem to have going on is a verbal catalogue of his entire armory. It's not necessarily important that you explain all the guns he has, and all the ammo, and the various other gear he takes. You could've just sufficed to briefly say that he took some guns off the rack, grabbed his gear, and packed it up.
The rest is fine; the little stories are good background material. Try to keep them short if they're not important to the plot, though. What I'm saying about the guns is that you pretty much described the entire thing with excruciating detail. It's like I describe a flower garden, and take time to explain every flower in it, their individual quantity, their placement, the fencing around it, and the seed brand I use to fertilize it. Description is good, but not when you bore the reader with it.
AWESOME
That time of the month
again:
DAT PLOT
GOOD CHAPTER
1122484 Okay I get it. As a reader you feel that it is unnecessary, boring and that it has nothing to do with the plot. It's perfectly fine to have that opinion and if it made you think that this story was not worth your time reading, than I am truly sorry as that was not my goal to do so. Also, give me some slack this is my FIRST fanfic after all. I was merely trying to give detail as to his quirks (they are mine after all), but hey I'm not perfect and believe me I will make it apparent that he isn't. I'm a gun nut and there's nothing I can do about, well if I wanted to that is. As for the one liners, you have to thank Mass Effect for that. I got A LOT from Commander Shepard, and yes I do feel that I didn't do the CMC a whole lot of justice( I really do like them
). Had I took more time to make them better developed,It would have been longer, but alas I did not. Plus, English was never my strongest subject, but hey I'm learning everyday. And as for Princess Luna falling for him already.....well....let's just say you can blame me for that and a guy can have his dreams after all......and I will try to get a proof reader as well. Thanks for taking the time to read this, I really put a lot of effort into it.
1122664 What? Did you think that mare's were immune to it? I have to explain her behavor a little bit.......however tacky it may seem.
1122669 LOL the Spike stash definitely does it for me!
1122733 Which one are you referring too? Thank by the way!
1122975 Your link took me to 2 different videos. I assume was Leeroy Jenkins? If so lulz
1123071
Hey, don't worry about it. Apart from that one thing, the rest is pretty good for a first fic. Just don't stop writing! Best thing you can do is to keep practicing.
Fun story, just a couple of problems.
One. Since humans haven't been seen for thousands of years, I don't think Luna would be very attracted to something she's never seen before. THANKFUL. . . but not attracted too. . . Yet.
Two. When you have characters think to themselves, make sure to use italics. That way I'll know he's not talking to himself out loud, like a demented person.
"I love zombies!" Speaking.
'I love zombies!' Inner thoughts.
Something like that.
Other than that, it's been fun.
1154163 Like I said to Ledomare concerning point number one, A guy can have his dreams right? But I understand what you mean, and it isn't going to change since it is already there. Plus, I didn't actually say humanity existed or were proven to have existed in the MLP universe hence the alternate tag. I stated that they were a myth in MLP and that no proof was ever found much like unicorns and pegasi are a myth in the real world. Main purpose was so that pony kind wouldn't go batshit crazy at the sight of one.
As for point number 2, good idea. It would be much better to follow along if I did that, but whats wrong with being demented?
Wow! Straight over the 10,000 words mark! Great job with this chapter, the quality just keeps getting better and better. Also, I chuckled a bit after you lampshaded the Gary Stu trope.
I also get a slight feeling that these voices are the same thing, though...
1160610 I had to make up for the unexpected delay and I'm glad you caught the Gary Stu trope reference. I also did the best I could for proofreading which added more work time. I also had to save Apple Bloom's part for the next chapter.
As for the voices...all in due time, all in due time.
Great Chapter!
I just freaking love this story
1161320 Thank you! Ch7 will be out soon!
1163760 Thank you! That really boosts my ego!
i like
Using the Cutie pox as the main reason for their paranoid hatred of cutie marks was a brilliant idea. You actually got me to sympathize with the zombies. . . Wow. Good job.
i1257.photobucket.com/albums/ii516/Klutzybear/Joker.gif
1187832 Thank you.
It really was the only thing that made sense to me concerning their wackoness. But don't forget, they are the the bad guys after all! 
very creepy i must say
1190595 It is what I was aiming for.
1190634
oh you
I really like all the depth you've added to the original Story of the Blanks plot. Especially the Sunny Towners; the way they're going about it like they're witch hunters when they're the monsters themselves!
Very good sir! Continue!
1196486 Thank you! I really hope I can keep it up though. The story is really getting harder to do, and I'm trying to tie the other characters together. Let's see if I can pull it off.
Nice Chapter keep up the good work
1228821 I plan on it!
1122433
No, he's a wannabe Burt Gummer!
1233773 Sadly I will never be like the great Burt Gummer. I take it you like the story though?
1234670
I was just skimming through the comments to see if it might be worth reading. I've tracked it, but haven't actually got to it yet.
Didn't actually read it.
1235842 Well let me know when you do get to it. I'm about to post a new chapter here pretty soon, and the more feed back I get the better. Hope you enjoy it either way.
Great chapter!
It's good that Konrad and Luna's "relationship", so to speak, is a good one, since that sea serpent totally misunderstood Konrad's intentions and made Twilight think that he is dangerous. The sea serpents stupidness annoys me... to say the least... Oh well, things will probably end well, I at least hope so.
Sorry for my little rant there and if it was a tad confusing... I just had to comment on that.
Awesome chapter
well shining is just asking to get trolled isn't he?.........heh was expecting a "plot" reference from konrad
A LOL-worthy misadventure indeed.
Takes itself seriously as a story and yet does not take itself seriously at all, as if that makes any sense whatsoever from a logical standpoint. Writing multiple viewpoints for one sequence is both interesting to me as it shows the thoughts and motivations of the characters, and yet at the same time I feel that this method of storytelling reduces into the actual progression of the story by drawing out the process. Case in point, I actually don't feel like that much was accomplished in this 12.5+ thousand word chapter. You may disagree, but I would personally suggest reevaluating the usage of that method, possibly opting to truncate some parts that are especially repetitious or unnecessary, instead replacing them with a little more story progress.
[self-righteous]HERE I DEMONSTRATED THE "ART OF PROPER CRITIQUING!" PAY ATTENTION REVIEWERS, BECAUSE YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING USEFUL![/self-righteous]
Sorry, as an author myself I really try to encourage other people to leave actually useful reviews for stories. Because Akash preserve me, "its good make more" and "this sucks" are not just terrible reviews, they're completely unhelpful.
Stay
thirstywriting my friend.1248533 Thank you! Their relationship certainly is interesting and growing for sure, and yes I do not like the Sea "Steve Magnet" Serpent. there will be consequences and yes your rant did make sense.
1249443 As always thank you. Glad you liked it. there will be MOAR!
1249916 The 'plot' was absolutely necessary for sure, and yes, shining armor is definitely asking for it. Don't rule out the possibility for sure, for anything can happen, especially in this story.
1249988 Glad you like the misadventure indeed, and yes I believe I know exactly what you mean. And as for the writing style I understand. It was mostly to make up for the small amounts of words per chapter when I wrote the earlier chapters, and yes the story was not progressed enough as it should. I have contemplated making them shorter, but I find myself often loosing much details of the characters, and their development. Until I can figure out if shortening them for multiple, smaller chapters instead of long descriptive ones, the story telling style won't change unless the majority of the the story readers demand other wise. I don't know who akash is (akatosh?), but 'this sucks' type reviews without the why do indeed suck. But I have to disagree with the flat out good chapter reviews. I do after all thrive on the praise for this story, and write I will.
1250661
Well yes, "it's good" is better than "it sucks" from a morale perspective, but doesn't offer anything as to why they think "it's good" nor any suggestions of how the author can possibly improve, which are things that, if you were to ask me, I'd say authors really like to receive from readers. So, I'd have to say "it's good" is only marginally better than "it sucks".
[BRAINDUMP] "Akash" is not a "who," but rather a "what." My use of "Akash" is a reference to the Akashic Records/Library of Theosophy, which is in turn referencing the Hindu Akash(a) and embodies a concept fundamentally similar to the Hindu Brahman, referring to a metaphysical plane of existence that serves as origin, location, and record of all phenomena and knowledge that was, is, will be, could have been, could still be, and will never be in the universe(s)— an infinity of infinities of infinities of infinities of infinities, etc. [/BRAINDUMP] Basically, it is supposed to embody everything— very literally speaking.
...I'm not crazy.
1250827 Okay I understand what you mean. infinity of infinity.....
okay, know I'm thinking of all sorts of ways to take this. thanks for the review!
1252269 I do research. Lots of it.
nice chapter
i facehooved when i finally thought about the ironic similarities between the blood hooves n the raccoon city incident.......>.>.....and wow he even got the attention of a ghost......the powers of swag are awe-inspiring lol........<.<......u jelly luna?.....