The Cave
“Gallus, are you here?” A soft female voice echoed through the damp cavern. The young Hyppogriff squinted a bit as a futile attempt to see something, but it was clear she won’t get anywhere by standing at the entrance. Though the sun was a fair bit over the horizon, its light could hardly penetrate the first three yard or so of the cavern. Silverstream silently cursed herself for not asking Smolder to accompany her. A dragon’s eye would have no trouble seeing through the darkness. But if her guts were right and Gallus was here, he needed a gentler approach. Smolder and any sort of subtlety went together about as well as an oil rig and a coral reef.
Still, she could have asked some of her more considerate (and considerably more nyctalopic) friends to help but she would have probably admitted a few things she was not ready to share with the world. So, for the moment she had to put up alone with the absence of light.
“Gallus?” She asked again while stepping into the cavern. Though she still hasn’t heard an answer she kept on walking, letting the velvety blackness of the cave slowly encompass her entire body, depriving her from any visual sensation. It almost felt like she was wearing a dress of darkness on her from a substance smoother than silk and lighter than air. A dress so smothering it might as well have been a straightjacket.
Yet, turning back barely crossed her mind. Though she couldn’t see her own beak, she knew Gallus was there, and he needed help. Thus, she had no choice but to find him. If she had to fumble her way across the cavern for several more minutes, then so be it. So, she walked, and walked without a clue where she was going, but without a doubt, she would get there.
“Stop!” After a minute of eerie silence, Gallus’ gritty baritone filled the suffocating emptiness of the cave in an instant with a sonorous echo. “There is a hole in the ground in front of you. One more step and you’re gonna be on bedrest for a week with a sprained ankle.”
“Gallus! Thank Aris you’re here! We’ve all been worried sick! You’re missing out on the Graduation After Party.” Though she couldn’t tell exactly how far Gallus was, she guessed it was probably just shy of ten yards. Yet strangely, she couldn’t help herself but talk far louder than she would have if she had seen her friend.
“Yeah, I know. Would have missed the whole thing if I hadn’t been sure that Headmare Starlight would have put together a search party for me. With the whole council of friendship around, they would have found me even in the depth of Tartarus. Figured I would have more time alone this way.” He let out a long, exasperated sigh. “Clearly, I was wrong.”
“Oh, come on Grumpy-grump.” She said, brushing her friend’s words off. “You can’t be mad that I came looking for you.” She tried to smile in the direction of Gallus, but it was rough based solely on her ears.
“No, that part was really sweet. The problem occurred when you actually managed to find me.” Gallus said in a very tempered and cordial tone.
Silverstream officially started to worry. The only time Gallus ever sounded like that was when something really ticked him off and he tried to hide it.
“Gallus, what’s wrong? And don’t tell me you’re fine, because clearly you’re not.”
Silver could hear Gallus taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, while he was contemplating his options. “You’re not gonna leave until I speak, are you? Fine, take my claws.”
Silver heard a few steps and felt Gallus’s claws gently grab hers. It was uncanny that, despite him being close enough for her to hear his breath, she couldn’t even see a faint silhouette.
“Watch out for the hole at your legs!” Gallus warned her again.
Silver took a big step and then let herself be guided by her friend who, apparently, found his bearings quite easily in the darkness.
“How can you see anything in here?” Silver complained, “I couldn’t even tell if my eyes were closed or not.”
“Yeah, I figured that much when you were fixating on my ass when you’re talking to me. And you didn’t even try to hide it like usual,” Silver rewarded the remark with a quick smack on the back of Gallus’ head. “But anyhow, Prof Rainbow told me once that Griffons were originally night time predators, so it might have something to do with that. As for you, I might be able to do something about that in a sec, when we get where we’re going.”
“Come on Gallus, this Cave is so wet that if I transformed I would probably be fine. Hey that might worth a try!” Silver lifted up her index claw enthusiastically as this new idea came to her. “Down in Sesquestria I’ve never had trouble seeing and it can’t be that much brighter.”
Silver felt Gallus let her claws go and heard him going a few steps further in the direction they were heading, before he assessed her remark. “Yeah that might sound like a sound idea if I had the brain of a fish…”
“Hey! That’s occasionally racist!” She interjected, cheerfully wiggling her claw, and she could have sworn she could hear Gallus’ eyes rolling around in their sockets.
“…but let me present the counterargument!” Silver heard the click of a stone and a 3 feet tall campfire just blew up the cave with light.
Silver had to shut her eyes immediately, and instinctively covered her eyes with her claws. It took her several seconds before she dared to open her eyes again, but even then, she only saw white spots and squishy blobs. Still squinting hard, she slowly saw the blobs coalesce into what seemed like the wall of the cave. They were remarkably smooth and circular which, according to Professor Rarity was the sign of Diamond dog Miners. Which would have been quite frightening, but luckily there were no shiny stones in the walls which meant the Dogs had probably been long gone from the place.
Though Silver wasn’t sure if Gallus knew this, because Professor Rarity’s classes were one of many he regularly slept through.
The fire itself was on a large flat rock that stuck out from the ground, and Gallus somehow even managed to keep the 10 foot wide area around the fire somewhat dry. As soon as he caught Silver daring to look again in his general direction, he spoke up.
“Yeah, so, sometimes I come here when I want to be alone, and it can get pretty chilly here, so I rigged up this fireplace.”
“Whaoh, this place looks so cool!” Silver clapped her claws. “And it doesn’t even have stairs!” she said in a slightly ironic voice.
“Yeah, it was actually pretty tricky to set up so that it lights this fast.” Gallus looked at his creation proudly. “It involved a good bit of trial and error learning about how the different shapes and sizes should be arranged, not to mention learning how certain types of woods burn. But it was a fun experience.”
“It’s amazing, Gallus.” Silver said while staring at the fire with the same expression Ocellus looked at anything brighter than a candlelight. But after a few seconds of total mesmerisation, Silver started to look around again for other fun details, and she noticed a piece of paper on the ground that immediately got all her attention. “Oooh what’s that?” she asked as she instinctively tried to pick it up.
“Silver, no!” Gallus shouted as he pounced on the piece of paper to grab it from his friend.
“Okay?” Silver said, fairly flabbergasted “Care to tell me what was that all about?”
Gallus held the paper next to his chest, making sure that there was not a single word Silver could read. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He took a big breath and tried to try it again but the result was the same. Then he tried it the third time, but to no avail. Gallus shook his head, and looked down, “That’s… the reason I’m here.”
“Why what is it?” The way Gallus had to fight for every word made Silver think that this was not the sentence he was trying to say originally.
“A letter from Griffonstone”
“What is it about?”
“Nothing.”
“Why would anyone send you blank papers?” Silver looked at him flabbergasted.
“It’s not blank. It’s just…” From the way Gallus has been spouting answers Silver knew he was trying to avoid the question again so she decided to push the envelope a bit
“Come on Gallus, you promised me you’d tell.”
“I know” he sighed. “It says… Gruff Grandpa died earlier this week.”
“Oh Gallus I’m so sorry.” Silver said her eyes instantly tearing up, she wanted to hug her friend but Gallus pushed her away. Compared to how hard he had to press himself to tell the truth he remained remarkably collected.
“Calm down Silver, there is a solid chance that this is just a trick by some of the jerks in Griffonstone. Wouldn’t be the first time.”
“What?!” Silver squawked. “You mean they pranked you like that?”
“I mean they already tried this exact ‘joke’. Except that time they pretended, they were Gabriella” Gallus said unblinking.
“You think they would try the same joke again? I mean how funny can that be?” It was at this point that Silverstream realised what she has said. “…not that it was funny the first time,” she quickly mumbled
“Not that much I guess” Gallus shrugged. “But what you have to know is that these guys are not exactly bright. I know I’m the stupid one of the group here but honestly these guys make Derpy look like a scientist. Also they wrote the wrong name on the letter.”
“Oh what did they write?”
“Gallus.” Gallus said very matter of factly. Silver was unsurprisingly very surprised by this very unsurprising answer.
“Isn’t that your name?” Silver looked puzzled.
“Not the one Gilda calls me, no” he shook his head. “And the latter says she wrote this.”
“Why, what does she call you?”
“Asswipe.” Gallus said neutrally.
Silver’s eyes almost popped out. “What? Didn’t you grow up together? In the same house?”
“Yeah we did.” Admitted Gallus in a revoltingly impassive manner. “Which is I guess most of the reason. You know Gilda is really crass most of the time, and I was kinda her annoying younger brother, so she soon found a name befitting my ‘stature’”
“Wow that’s rude.” Silver couldn’t get over how normal Gallus made this all seem. If Terramar tried something like this Their mother would have had his head.
“I guess, but back then I kinda liked it. After a while, if you grew up with Gilda, you’d know this doesn’t mean anything bad. It was just the name she chose for me.”
“I’m not sure I understand, but you’re probably right.” Though they’ve known each other for years it never stopped to amaze her how differently they saw things from time to time.
“Yeah. It was probably the only mock name the jerk herd didn’t use on me.” Gallus suddenly broke into a sly smile. “They probably knew she would beat them up for infringing on her intellectual property”
Silver couldn’t help but laugh at that comment. But she soon noticed the worry on his friend's face. “But then it’s all okay. It couldn’t have been Gilda. Right?”
“I’m… not so sure about that.” Gallus answered in an uncharacteristically quiet tone.
“Why?”
“Everyone at home knew she called me Asswipe.” He furrowed his brow with deep concern. “She’s been doing that since forever. There is no reason why those jerkfaces wouldn’t do it. Stupid as they are, I don’t think they’d forgot it.”
“But if it wasn’t written by the… …m nor Gilda.” Silver struggled for a moment to find an acceptable term instead of ‘jerks’. It wasn’t a resounding success. “Then who could the writer have been?”
“That’s just it, I don’t know. But…” Gallus glanced at the letter again he obviously couldn’t bear to look at it for more than mere seconds “…the more I think about this the more I think this letter is legit.”
“But why?”
Gallus closed his eyes and let out a sigh. “Because this is the only time Gilda would use my real name.” As he finished a sentence Silver noticed a single tear running down on his cheek.
Silverstream was at an impasse. She wanted to rush over to Gallus and hug him into pulp but she was worried he was not ready. There was too much she didn’t know and she didn’t want to force things without learning more. The problem was that no matter how many time she wanted to say something she was too hesitant because it all sounded vague and cliched.
Gallus barely ever talked about his life at home. What she’s picked up is that basically every one of his relationships was riddled with resentment and indifference. But Silverstream wanted to believe there was a lot of love in them too. Just like in Gallus himself.
Her slow lamentation however was soon interrupted by some harsh words.
“You know what Silver? I don’t even care.” Gallus jumped up, cramped the latter into a ball and tossed it onto the fire. “Let that decrepit stupid gaffer be eaten by worms.” The pure malice in Gallus words was unlike anything Silver ever heard from him. “Dead or alive, for all I care!” He shouted to no one.
“He never had a kind word for me. He forced me to work since I was six and didn’t give me food if he thought I was slacking off.” Gallus was slowly prowling around the fireplace, drawing a shrinking circle with every lap, constantly scowling at the blaze, as if it was the source of his pain. “He forced me to sleep on the freaking roof in the middle of winter. When it was like minus 40 outside! And for what? Because he thought I lost the keys! Which wasn’t even true! He was an angry, old, bitter Griff with no friends and the world is a better place without him.” Gallus spat a large glob of saliva onto the fire, sending it into cracking rampage, then, now on the opposite side of the fire from Silverstream, he faced away from the light, crossed his arms, and sat huffily.
Silverstream has never seen Gallus being so angry in her life. He ruffled all his feathers in both his wings, puffed his hair on his neck, and whipped his tail around like and an angry cat. The tuft on his tail even got singed but he didn’t notice it. Silverstream hesitantly moved a few steps closer, but she still couldn’t decide what to do or say. In a desperate attempt to help her friend, she spurred out the only redeeming quality of Grampa Gruff she knew of.
“But Gallus, he took you in.”
Gallus froze immediately as if he just realised he wasn’t alone. Then a moment later his posture softened, and he turned around to face Silver.
“I know Silver, I know.” He sighed, shaking his head. He didn’t look at Silver, instead he stared at the fire with such a blank expression Silver wondered whether he would notice if the fire changed colours or started to talk. “I know I should be grateful, and that he's the only reason I didn’t starve to death after my parents left me outside in a basket. But it’s just rough.” He picked up a burning stick from the fire and he started to thoughtlessly pick at the fire. “I’m sorry you had to see that, I rarely get this angry anymore. But that old geezer, he really could always ruffle my feathers. And now I don’t even know if he's dead or not. I swear this uncertainty is the worst part. I’d bet I would be a lot better if at least I could go home to check on him. Even if he's dead it’d be better to be certain than this… limbo.” He threw the stick into the fire and used that arm to prop his head up, with deep concern lining his face.
“Then go home Gallus. You deserve to know.” She said as she tried to put her arm on the back of Gallus, but the griff shooed her away, so she simply settled down next to him. She hesitated for a moment, how to say the next part. “I can even lend you the money if you don’t have enough on you right now.” This was a really uncomfortable matter for both of them but with Gallus being an orphan from one of the poorest cities in the continent and Silver being royalty their financial limits have always been vastly different. Gallus was usually very snappy about it when anyone brought anything up concerning bits, so everyone just learnt not to mention it. It didn’t make things easier that everyone else in their friend group was pretty well off. She, more than anyone.
“Nah, thanks Silver but it’s not a money problem… mostly.” He shook his head as if he was trying to get rid of a bothersome thought. “But I have to report to basic training at 800 sharp Monday morning and there is no way in tartarus I could make it to Griffonstone and back to Canterlot.”
“Come on Gallus, don’t be such a dummy.” Silver gave Gallus a noogie. “Princess Twilight is right here in town. You could surely ask her to give you a leave, I mean it’s her personal guard.”
“Silver I’m not worried that she says no, I’m concerned about what happens when she says yes.” Gallus looked at her with the expression of a teacher telling something for the fifth time to a particularly dull child.
“But why?” Silver was dumbfounded. “How could getting a leave be a bad thing?”
“Because for once in my lifetime I want to go somewhere where my first move is not completely screw everything up!” Gallus temper jumped up along with his volume. “I’m already in a sketchy situation with the guard because I’m practically on first name basis with the princess I would swear to protect! Who is from a different species than I am! Add to the mix that I would start basic training with two days off personally authorised by Princess Twilight and everypony would write me off as the token Griff who only got in because he’s all chummy with the Princess!”
Gallus took a breather, and when he continued,the daggers of anger in his words turned around to target himself. “For once in my lifetime I want to start something out properly. Not by taking an almost literal dump on my friends’ Hearts Warming Eve. Or causing a huge international debate. Or by being the annoying little one. Or by being born blue… Just once…” The voice Gallus has hit was more disturbing than anything Silver heard from him that day. He didn’t shout or curse, he pleaded.
That was way too much information to handle for Silver at the moment. So instead of assessing what she heard, she tried to navigate the conversation to someplace safer by offering an alternative solution. “But what if you sent a letter to Gilda to see if the news was true?”
“Yeah and be the one who forces her to write down again that, yes, the Griff who saved her life, and brought her up is undeniably, irrevocably, dead. All because I got a shitty prank letter 2 years ago.” The bitterness in Gallus’ words was palpable.
“Oh yeah that wouldn’t be good.” Silver knew her last attempt was already desperate but she wasn’t ready to give up. “Wait what if I went to Griffonstone? I don’t have any immediate plans. I mean, I am supposed to meet with Mum and Terramar but that can wait a few days, and I would have to go to Seaquestria anyways so I’m not going skip the visit or something.” Silver tried to pre-emptively defend against Gallus’ possibly retort.
“No offense, but you’d be eaten alive there.” Gallus didn’t mean it but his words carried a fair bit of condescension. “Besides you would achieve a whole lot of nothing. Even if you could get there, and even if you managed to get solid intel about anything I would be in an undisclosed military camp probably somewhere really remote. So you won’t be able to find me for at least 3 months.”
“Okay but what if you just went to Griffonstone? You’d miss training camp but should be able to have a go at it next year. I know it’s a big sacrifice but maybe this is worth it?”
“Silver this isn’t some sort of college.” Gallus looked as if he took a wrecking-ball of bad ideas to the face. “This is the Military. What you’re suggesting is called going AWOL and I would be Court Martialed and DD’d before I can serve even a second. Which would be an academy record! Three cheers for Gallus.”
“Huh, I’ve never heard they’d punish you for missing a Wonderbolt trial.” Silver had taken the entrance test for the Wonderbolts so she knew Gallus words meant the end of his dreams. Still the austerity of the punishments did surprise her.
“The Wonderbolts are an elite unit of a special operation force. Only a fraction of the third of the population meets even the most basic standards of recruitment. Your needs are generally a bit more catered to.” The pure resignation in the usually resilient Gallus’ voice made Silver’s heart sink. “Me? It’s a safe bet that the rules are carefully constructed in such a way that in the end, somehow, I get screwed.” He concluded as he curled up like a cat next to the fire.
Silver was sure Gallus wasn’t only talking about their respective careers. She felt so powerless to help Gallus. Choosing between someone’s dreams and family is not a choice anyone should be forced to make.
For the moment until she figures out something better to do she decided to lay down next to Gallus. She carefully chose a place where Gallus could feel a presence but they wouldn’t touch each other. She also decided to stay out of his vision to not be the first thing he looks at when he opens his eyes again. Other than that, she just tucked her claws under herself to conserve heat and tried to be as comfortable as possible on the cold damp stone as he watched Gallus’s side go up and down, again and again.
As the seconds turned into minutes and the minutes slowly blended into something immeasurable, Silver saw the outer parts of vision slowly fade into the blackness of the cavern as the fire was slowly burning down. She knew this was her last chance to leave alone. But just as when she came in, Silverstream didn’t worry; she knew Gallus will be there for her when he needs someone to lead her out safely. All she had to do is be here for him until he decides what’s next.
Despite the sun going down, the fire growing weaker, and the air chillier, Silver didn't say a word. Normally she would have asked how Gallus managed to keep himself from shivering she knew he had to endure a lot worse, and if he could do it so could she. Although she had no evidence to the contrary, she knew Gallus was not sleeping. Thus though she felt her head getting heavier and heavier she was adamant on keeping her vigil with her friend.
In the ever heavier darkness, Silver couldn’t see much other than the vague silhouette of her friend she noticed that one of Gallus’s ears just twitched. She didn’t dare to hope just yet, but soon enough his other ear moved as well. For a second, it reminded her of two hunds’ noses trying to catch a scent in the wind. Just like their owner they were looking for something they couldn’t see. But then, in an instant, they both flatten as they get ready for something important.
“Silver, can I ask you something?” he asked, without turning over to see his friend.
“Yes, of course Gallus. Anything you want,” she answered without any hesitation. She saw the ears clearly reacting with a twitch. She tried to guess how much time passed since they last talked to each other but her only way to gauge the time was the embers in the fireplace. And as someone who spent most of her life underwater, she didn’t have that much experience with those.
“How come you’re always so… cheerful?”
“What do you mean?" Silver's head recoiled slightly in surprise. "I don’t think I’m cheerful now.”
“Yes, I know, but still…” Gallus rolled over to his other side to look Silver in the eyes. “In all the years I’ve known you, I’ve seen you happy, disappointed, tired, afraid or downright sad, yet…” he shrugged. “I don’t know. Every time it felt there is something under it. As if you tried to put different shades on a lamp. You might change the hue, but it’s not gonna stop the lamp from filling the room in light .” Gallus looked away trying to gather his thoughts. He was still staring at the wall when he continued “As if there was something inside you that can’t be changed by anything in the world because it has nothing to do with it.”
“You mean hope?”
“I guess?” he looked back on Silver. “I don’t know… But yes, maybe hope would have been a better word than cheer.”
“Well I think most Hippogriffs are like me.” It was Silver’s turn as she looked away as she tried to think of any exceptions, but she couldn’t find any. “It’s just the way we’re brought up, that we believe a better day must come.”
“Oh, great one more thing you got for free from life.” Gallus muttered as he put his head down over his legs.
Silver wasn’t sure if she was meant to hear the last sentence but she knew she had to salvage the situation before Gallus goes back into his shell.
“No, it was anything but free.” She put her claws up in defense “You know when my people were forced to escape our home there was not much light in our life.” She looked up as she tried to correct her mistake “I mean, Seaquestria is a pretty dark place by default, but I’m talking about inside the Hyppogriffs… I mean, Seaponies, at this point.”
Silver got flustered and she knew it. She wasn’t going anywhere with her point. She needed a fresh start, so she decided to stand up and take a few seconds to really gather her thoughts. “So the point is, life seemed pretty pointless for most of the ex-Hyppogriffs.” Though Silver was born after these times talking about it was such a big taboo among her kind that even now she felt uncomfortable. “And who could blame them? They lost everything but their lives. For many, even that in the battles before our eventual exodus.” She briefly glanced at the smouldering embers at the fireplace recalling all the times she saw adults break down in tears inexplicably as a child.
“But the worst was it seemed like we were all just delaying the inevitable.” She said quietly. “Some day the Storm King would find us and then we would stand no chance. And even if that didn’t happen, what were we supposed to do? We were the Queens of the waves and the skies, and now we were locked under the seas.
“But Aunt Novo never gave up.” A small smile crept back on her face. “Everyday, she talked about this concept of Fate. She argued that the mere fact that we are alive means that we meant to endure. That the Storm king was meant to fall.”
Gallus looked up at Silver. He decided he doesn’t want to talk up to his friend so he stood up stretched his back like a sleepy cat, obviously not rushing anywhere. Silver didn’t exactly know what to make of this but she was cautiously optimistic now that she got him to stand up again.
“That sounds stupid. There was literally no reason to think something would come along and save you. I mean it did happen but you couldn’t have known that.”
Despite the attack Silver was confident she was on the right path. She knew these arguments well, as many of her own compatriots had similar doubts about Queen Novo’s ideas. Even she did.
“Everything in the world has a reason. I’m here because you were here. You’re here because of the letter… and so on.” Silver realised this chain of thoughts leads to a dangerous place so she quickly cut it short and jumped to the conclusion instead. “Ultimately if we go back long enough on this chain of causes, we must get something that caused the world. If that's true, then that force, whatever it may be, must have had a goal, right?”
“I guess?” he scratched his head. “But what if it’s goal was to see the Hippogriffs gone?”
“Then why would it have created the Pearl?” she asked the obvious question just as her aunt asked her many years ago.
“Not sure?” Gallus shrugged. “What if it had no goal? What if our world is a Science project someone got a B- on?”
Silver had to chuckle at that notion. “Okay, but then who created that world?” She raised the next question.
“Riiight, I see your point.” he conceded. “But it still doesn’t add up.”
“How so?”
Gallus couldn’t answer immediately, even in the darkness Silver could see him slowly gathering his thoughts, looking up and down, mumbling senseless words until they turned into something. “Like… I don’t know.” he huffed. “If everything is caused by this ‘Force’, then whatever we do is ultimately… meaningless. It’s all already baked in the scone, and all we can do is, I don’t know… Go with the Flow.”
“Very good point.” Silver nodded. “But I believe we have a choice. For example, if we’d all just listened to Aunt Novo, at best we could have lived in Seaquestria until the end of times. At worst, our fears would have come through and the Storm King would have eventually found and crushed us.”
She felt a smile creeping on to her face as she was about to articulate her next point. “It took the actions of Cousin Skystar, who went against the grain, who dared to be the first Seapony to assume our ancestral form and step on solid shores after a generation of Aquatic life, to break the oppression of the Storm King.”
Silver caught herself holding her head high, and with her right palm on her chest. She quickly reverted back to her normal posture, but a quick glance at Gallus’ face confirmed her assumption that she has gone a bit overboard with patriotism. But she wasn’t too embarrassed at this point; all her friends knew that her emotions often caught the better of her.
“So anyway, I do believe we all have a choice. And if we make the right choices, we will prosper. It won’t always be easy and it certainly hadn’t been in the past, but a Hyppogriff will always look at the future with hope. In fact, I think that our free choice is the proof that whoever created this world loved us all.” She couldn’t help but feel a healthy shot of smugness about the point she made. She knew Queen Novo would be proud of her.
“Oh yes, love.” The amount of spite Gallus managed to cram into those three short words was so corrosive that they melted away any amount of happiness Silver felt. “The universal answer to anything. It’s so cute, I’m gonna puke.” Silver heard Gallus spit on the ground. Gallus waited a second before continuing and when he did the spite turned into sadness.
“I get why you think the way you do, but trust me; where I come from, it doesn't work” he said dejected. “Have I ever told you why I was left behind as a cub?” Gallus stared at the ground in front of him, as if he was ashamed of what he was saying.
Silver only shook her head. She has been dying to know that answer but she has never had the courage to ask it.
“Of course, I don’t know for sure,” Gallus sighed. “There could have been a number of reasons and Grampa Gruff never told me anything, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.” Gallus stopped again trying to figure things out. “I know that gay creatures here in Equestria are not a big deal, and probably in most normal places too, no one bats an eye at them...” Gallus started to speak but Silver cut him off.
“Well, technically we don’t have gay Hyppogriffes. Or Seaponies. Which I guess could mean we don’t fuss much about them…”
Even in the dark, Silver saw Gallus’ recoil a bit. “What? There are no gay Hyppogriffes?”
“No? Is that a problem?” Silver looked at Gallus with a bit of worry. She usually didn’t risk talking about this topic because she felt like an elephant in a porcelain shop. “I mean, I don’t think it’s a problem. If anything, it makes sense since this way every Hyppogriff can procreate, but I admit this whole gay thing was a bit confusing until I asked what this was all about.”
“Woah” Gallus looked at her, stunned, trying to process things. “It’s so strange. Every other species has them. I mean, Smolder talked about them, Yona mentioned one of her aunts, and I don’t even know how it works with Changelings and shapeshifting but I’m pretty sure Ocellus said she is one so… I don’t know.” He shrugged his shoulders.
“And ponies have so many I wonder how they can maintain their population level.” Silver tried to make a joke out of the topic which always felt too iffy for her. She didn’t get any response so she nervously continued with this train wreck of a story. “Though, now that I think about it, Headmare Starlight was probably not the best pony to ask this question.”
“Yeah, probably. Wait… what did she answer?” Gallus asked carefully
“Not much,” Silver shrugged. “but she choked on her coffee so hard she had to be taken away by the ambulance. Never really asked anypony since.”
Silver saw Gallus facepalming then slowly letting his claws slide down his face. “Okaaaay. That was unexpected. But you are still cool with gays, right?”
“Oh yes, super cool.” She nodded like a million times. “I mean, they’re strange, and I’m not sure it’s practical for mammals, but they don’t really hurt anyone. Why? Are you gay?”
“What? No! That’s the whole point!” Based on the desperation returning to Gallus’ voice, Silver feared that she was soon going to miss the time when they were just talking about homosexuality.
“I don’t get it.” Silver gingerly shook her head.
“Most Griffs, especially males, are born grey, brown, or black. There are some dark blue but that’s about it.” As Gallus spoke, it became apparent that the calmness in him was hardly more than a dilapidated dam holding back a river of anger. “My colours are like a once in a generation thing. And in the infinite wisdom of Grover the Great, my ancestors decided that any Griff cursed enough to be born with teal coat and feathers must be gay.”
“But… you’re not gay.” Silver said expecting the worst.
“And you think anyone cared?!” Gallus cried out and threw up his arms. He turned his back to Silver and slowly melted into the darkness.
“Being gay in Griffonstone is worse than having leprosy. Noone would ever talk to me except when they were bulling me. You think anyone listened to me when I tried to tell them I’m not gay? I mean, first of all, I didn’t even know what gay was until someone told me about the whole sex stuff, and that didn’t happened until I was, like, eight.”
Though she could barely see him, among the shouting, Silver heard Gallus’ claws scraping on the ground as if he picked up something from it.
“You think they looked at me twice when I was out on the street begging for money because Gruff Granpa was angry and didn’t give me food?”
It sounded like a Gallus just chucked a stone into the wall.
“Or when I tried to tear out my own feathers so that I can finally make friends that don’t call me Asswipe?”
Another stone.
“You know how many times I’ve got beaten up, spat on, or thrown into the garbage?” He emphasised all three atrocities with one stone each.
“Because I don’t!”
From the thunderous litany of cracks it was clear Gallus just slammed into the ground whatever he had left in his claws.
The echo was still dying down as Silver saw Gallus face reappear directly in front of her eyes. But it was no longer the friendly face of the griff she held so dearly. No, this was barely more than a sketch of black lines on a black canvas modelled after the face of some untold monstrosity. This was the face she saw so many times in her nightmares when she first heard about the Storm King. A picture created by her imagination of an evil too great to ever be described.
Silver tried to move back away from the shade, but too soon she felt the cold hard stone of the cave behind her legs. Too soon she was forced to face the judgement of a crime she didn’t know she commited.
“So tell me, Silverstream, tell me, Oh-princess-of-both-the-seas-and-the-skies,” The fiery hate in the quiet words burned her ears like a couple of red hot nails. “Where was your precious Fate when Mother and Father decided to save themselves from the inconvenience of taking care of a teal cub, because I honestly can’t see it.”
“I… I don’t know” she whimpered.
“That’s what I thought.” Silver saw the faint silhouette of Gallus turning around and going away. She couldn’t see where; she heard a few footsteps at first but they soon died out. Whether because Gallus went too far away, or he just decided to step more quietly, she didn’t know; either would be possible.
This whole thing didn’t make sense. What if Gallus was right? What if she was just so lucky that everything worked out in her life? She thought she was sharing everything she was with her friends and so did they, but tonight it was not only proven wrong, but the whole notion seemed so laughably childish. Just like her life. Everything she went through seemed so inconsequential to… this.
It’s not like she didn’t know evil; she had to hide from it for her entire life. But the Storm King was more like an idea than an actual adversary. He was the looming shadow over the Seaponies’ lives but he wasn’t part of it. Yes, Skystar had to fight him, but still, he seemed so distant. The griffs on the other claw, hurt her friend in ways she couldn’t even fathom. And for what? It wasn’t for power, it wasn’t for vengeance, and it wasn’t for evil. At least not in the sense of the ‘Opposite of good’.
They had a view of the world and Gallus simply didn’t fit. It was so alien. Hating someone because he was different seemed so pointless, yet for the Griffs it came so natural. And what was even more terrifying, that had it not been for Queen Novo and her teachings, and the constant seeking of good in the world, Silver knew the Hippogriffs could have turned out the same. But even that ultimately didn’t change anything.
Maybe the Griffs weren’t evil, but they weren’t good either. Gallus was right. This really didn’t fit her cosy little system of good and evil. This couldn’t be the intention of anyone because this had no purpose. It just… is.
Silver was alone. Whatever light the last speck of dying ember provided has just died. She was deprived of any sensation she could have clung onto. Her friend left her; her beliefs shattered, her chance to ever find the way out was zero. This was the end. All there was left to start crying for help, and then get bailed out of her stupidity by Gallus. Some friend she was. She came here to help him and ended up needing his help instead.
Silver knew she was not in danger; she was not afraid, just depressed. Disillusioned with her ability to help a friend she could always count on. Someone who would never leave her behind.
However, in these moments of utter darkness an idea came to her. An idea whose light couldn’t be smothered by this darkness because it was cut from the same cloth.
“Gallus?” She asked the darkness softly. “Can you hear me? If you don’t want to answer me, that’s fine too." Silver stopped for a second to see if Gallus wanted to say anything. "I know you’re here somewhere, and you know why I know? Because you’re a good Griff. Blame it on the school, or on us all you want, but deep down you’re chock full of love. And after all that you’ve been through… it’s incredible, it really is.” She felt a drop of tear slowly rolling down her cheek
Silver had to stop. So far she only had to say things she knew to be true. When all else is taken away from one, the truth surfaces easily. Now however, she had to take a jump into the realm of ideas, her ideas, which were just rattled to their core. But faith is born in doubt, not in certainty.
“Yet, I think it’s not an accident that the only three sufferable Griffs in Griffonstone came out from the same household. I don’t know your Grampa Gruff, but he knew something. I’m sure of that. He knew that the Griffs were wrong, and tried to save you from it.”
She could feel the coldness of dread slowly running through her veins; what she was about to say could end badly in so many ways, she was about to open so many wounds. But maybe this will be the first time someone will pour ointment on them, instead of salt. They both sting the same.
“No, I can’t explain or justify all he’s done. He may have denied you food because he was too old to work and didn’t have the bits to buy it unless you brought them home, and he was too proud to admit it, but I can’t know for sure. Maybe he forced you outside to teach you not to throw away your defences against the cold. I don’t know. I’m really just spitballing.”
Again, she waited a moment to see if Gallus wanted to react but the cavern remained as still and dark as death itself.
“But it’s no accident he made sure he sent Gilda to a Pegasus flight school. It’s no accident he brought you here, personally, so that you may learn to be better than him. Yes, he was proud, yes, he was stupid, and yes, he could have told you, but you can’t deny he loved you. He might have been the one who took the most from you but he is the one who gave you everything else.”
She felt her voice grew stronger with every word she uttered, and now she was ready to say her final sentence:
“He is the reason you’re here, in every sense of the word.”
Though she didn’t speak loudly, she could hear her words echoing amongst the bare stone walls of the cavern for several seconds. Tripling or quadrupling them yet still selling them short.
As her voice died down, Silver anxiously waited for a moment before she could sense any effect her words had. At first, she only heard footsteps. She instinctively tried to look at it, but it was a pointless effort. The next thing she felt was Gallus’s claws tenderly grabbing her own right claws slowly lifting it up to chest height, making sure she doesn’t lose her balance. She then felt his two claws gently clenching on hers as he said a simple, but honest sentence.
“Thank you, Silver.”
A moment of blissful silence settled between them. They both knew that their relationship has blossomed into something more beautiful, but this moment was far too pure and sacred to even chance to ruin it with wanton words or reckless actions.
But just as every other moment this one passed away seamlessly, and the next thing that broke the bubble of Silver’s bliss attention was Gallus calling out her name.
“Silver, lets let’s get out of here. If I’m right, there is gonna be something outside you wouldn’t wanna miss.”
“Ooh what is it?” Silver clapped excitedly.
“Can’t tell you.” Though she couldn’t see his face, she was sure he had just the slyest of smiles on it. “Mostly because I’m not sure if it’s gonna be there.” He added, cranking her curiosity up even more.
Though the cave was still just as black as before, Silver couldn’t care less about it anymore. Her heart soared high above any inconvenience and her mind was at ease knowing Gallus was looking out for her. She felt completely safe in the gentle, yet firm grasp of the Griff beside her. After all, what could hurt her when she was guarded by the strongest creature she knew?
After a few minutes of silent walking, Silver started to notice that there was suddenly movement in her vision. She couldn’t gauge the shape of any concrete thing, but the blanket of darkness started to wrinkle around like some dark fabric. At first, it was almost frightening, but she realised it was well past the time when Princess Twilight lowers the sun, which means the outside must have been almost as dark as the inside. She wasn’t exactly right.
“Haha, this is so much fun!” Silver shouted as they stepped out of the cavern “I never had to squint in the middle of the night before.”
“Heh. Yeah, that must be fun.” Gallus smiled back “You really couldn’t see a single thing inside, could you?”
“I didn’t need to.” Silver shook her head. “The one thing I wanted to find, I already knew was in there.”
“You know, this cavern has more than one tunnel?” he gave her a suspicious look. “You could have gotten seriously lost.”
“No, I couldn’t have.” Silver smiled smugly. “That way, I wouldn’t have found you.”
“I’m not sure if it’s your horsebrain or your fishbrain that makes you this stupid, but Griff, I’m glad you exist, Silver,” he snickered. “Anyway, we are right where I wanted to take you. Looks cool, right?”
Gallus gently brushed aside a branch of some shrub to reveal a stunning view of Ponyville. The little hamlet Silver grew to love so much looked even more whimsical in its night-time gown of street lights and lit up windows. If she looked hard enough, she could even see the little ponies on the streets. With the great festivities ongoing, there was quite the commotion even at this hour. The townsfolk radiated such a joyful spirit, it was contagious even from this far away.
Gallus, who after a few futile attempts to move the branches so they didn’t impede the view, simply broke them off and threw them away. He also took a glance at the city, but as he had the opportunity to see it many times, he quickly reignited the conversation instead. “Speaking of finding me, how did you know where to look?” He gave Silver a curious look. “I was pretty sure I was the only one who knew about my lone-cave.”
“Well, you know…” Silver started to fiddle with her claws nervously. She never told anyone this before, but after today she felt Gallus deserved to know. “In freshman year I followed you around a lot without you knowing, because I maybe-sorta-kinda had a crush on you,” by the end of the sentence she was so embarrassed she could barely even look at Gallus.
It was obvious that Gallus got blindsided by that revelation, but to his credit he didn’t laugh or make fun of her in any way. He just smiled and said. “That’s cool, Silver. You know what? When I come back from basic training, we’ll talk about it. And everything else too. But not now.”
Before Silver could answer anything Gallus pointed at the sky and said, “There she is; I knew she would show up.”
At first, Silver didn’t see it. Then she realised one of the little bright spots in the sky was slowly moving. Then, she noticed that it was quickly gaining speed and size, but she still didn’t know what it was. It could have been a comet, but Gallus never liked astronomy enough to know when they come, and wouldn’t have had doubts if he had. She looked at Gallus if he had anything to say, but he just stared at the coming U.F.O. with a knowing smile.
Then, Silver noticed something was off about the thing. While at first it looked like it was white, now that it was closer she noticed its light was another bright colour. Or maybe it wasn’t one, it was many, all sparkling, crackling together.
Then, the darkness of the night was blown away by one flash of prismatic brilliance; a Rainboom.
“How did you know she was gonna be here?” Silver asked without turning her eyes away from the sky, even for a moment.
Gallus let out a heartfelt chuckle. “Well, last week, when I was working on the Apple farm I came across Scootaloo. I figured, if she’s there while Applebloom is in Appleloosa, Prof Rainbow can’t be that far out, and you know she has that wicked hearing range, so I knew if I said anything, she would hear it.” Gallus smiled so mischievously even Discord would have given him a thumbs up. Literally. “So, I may have started to randomly blabber with Scoot how about long it’s been since I’ve seen a Rainboom, and it’s too bad that Prof Rainbow doesn’t do them anymore since she got old, aaaaand I just sort of let the little goblins of grandiosity in her brain do the rest for me.”
Silver always had a special place in her heart for the Rainboom. There wasn’t a single thing she didn’t love about it: The absolutely insane speed, the grand “thud” sound that shakes you in the guts, and at last, a ring of spectral light slowly growing into something truly majestic. When she first saw it from the porch of Prof Rainbow’s cloudominium, over the heavenly landscape of an acre of stratocumulus, she decided to become a Wonderbolt. But this one, against the mellow darkness of the moonlit sky, looked even more beautiful.
Or maybe, it was just the company that made it better. On a whim, Silver leaned into Gallus and embraced him snugly with both her arms. Gallus let out a surprised gasp, but otherwise he didn’t object. He just started to stroke her head gently as they watched the rainboom slowly dissipate.
“You know Silver,” Gallus spoke after a minute of joyful lull. “I’ve been wondering about what you said, and I just had a funny thought.”
“Yes?”
“You know if what you said about things causing each other and Granpa sending me here was true… Then by making me to go to the school, he made me think the way I do.” Though Gallus’ mouth was talking to Silver, she saw his eyes were somewhere else entirely. “I guess that means, in a way, every decision I’ll ever make will have been shaped by his actions." Silver saw the corners of Gallus mouth move ever so slightly upwards. "It’s kinda like he was still watching over me from somewhere.”
“I’m sure he is Gallus,” Silver smiled at the night time horizon. “I’m sure he is.”
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Heh, your bio lied, I don’t see RD anywhere.
10075491
I dont know what you're talking about. Who do you think did the Rainboom if not her?
Very good so far. Cant wait to see what happens next.
also there is a "SHE" that's missing its "S" somewhere in there I lost it while reading.
10075899
Yeah oh sorry, I did an oopsie there. This is all there is to it. I forgot to change the status from incomplete to complete. May bad, sorry.
Well that doesn't seem like the problem I can fix. The gender pronouns are already the bane of my existence since they don't exist in my language, so I suck at them harder than a ten dollar who... so I suck at them hard.
Finding these is why I paid Ninja, but he didn't accept the money, so he was under-incentivised to do a good job. And now I can't even fire him. Capitalism is hard. :(
I quite enjoyed this one
This was a very sweet and emotional story. Great job!
10075904
Ah okay. That's understandable. Good luck on your next story.
10076068
That's all I can ask for.
10076070
Thank you.
well done. Nice story and good emotional impact.
I coulda gone for heavier shipping, but it’s still working as it is and cute enough.
Worth the read
10077321
This is never meant to be a Romantic story. This is a story about faith, belief and the strength of the archetypal female character. Romance is nothing more than a natural consequence of the story, not the point of it.
I relate to Silverstream so much
10079032
In what ways?
10079386
That breach of her worldview in the middle of the story is something I've gone through. It ain't fun
10079624
That's rough man. I hope you're allright now. But to qoute myself "Faith is born in doubt not in certainty." So keep on keeping on man, you're doing great.
10080035
Thanx, man. I'm pretty much recovered now. Appreciate the kind words.
Does this world even have offshore oil rigs? It does have plastics... Ah, schizotech.
In all, some interesting ideas, but it's weighed down by a lot of awkward and overly grandiose prose. Plus, Gallus often comes across as whiny. Yes, horrible things happen to him, but his attitude doesn't exactly inspire sympathy. And the reasoning behind his parents abandoning him comes completely out of left field.
Still, a good message beneath the melodrama. Best of luck in the judging.
10096254
Well admittedly this story is mostly about the message, that much was never really in question, so I'm glad you liked that. And I see what you mean by overly dramatic prose that's definitely one of my weaknesses as a writer.
That being said I don't think Gallus is overly whiny. I mean in a normal setting I could definitely agree but this is essentially his place to come to sulk so that he doesn't have to whine about his life. This cycle was interrupted and in fact it had to be interrupted because it wasn't a healthy way of dealing with things, but a price had to be paid for it. Gallus' complaints was part of this payment, and Silver understood that. I emphasised multiple times that these are topics Gallus usually doesn't say anything about.
After meaning to get around to it for ages, I finally sat down and read this.
Personal opinion: the scene where they get to talking about how the hippogriffs view the gender spectrum and how that compares with the views of other species--while this is an interesting bit of lore and world-building, I don't feel like it really adds anything to the story and more just serves as an unnecessary distraction from the greater plot. Not a bad one, but it does disrupt the flow, emotions, and overall mood of that moment in the story with not enough payoff to have been worth it. Had it been me, I probably would've just skipped over that conversation and kept going with Gallus explaining the hows and whys he was abandoned as already written. But, again, personal opinion.
Beyond that though, the story's great. I don't know if its quite emotional enough to merit that tragedy tag (a simple sad tag probably would've worked just as well) especially since the story ends on a higher note than it started, but I loved the overall message of faith it conveys, and conveys very well. The overall discussion about it is well portrayed, with the personal stances of both characters being logical and mesh together well, leaving the end conclusion satisfactory and believable. And it's a message I overall approve of, particularly since some of my own worldviews aren't so different at times.
10112586
Yeah I was heavily considering the merits of leaving that part out. But there were a bunch of reason why I decided to keep it in.
0th: it's worldbuilding and worldbuilding is important for another contest I entered with this fic. For several reasons it was already light on it and I felt like it might have disqualified it from the contest id it didn't involve this scene.
0,5th: This is the closest we got to actually give Silver a fault. This is not an outright fault but still something that's alien by nature and that makes her a bit less perfect. Her character is an idealised version of a female hero (in fact one of me admitted goal was to make her a real strong female protagonist, whose strength doesn't come from an infinity stone but her own feminine qualities.) and this is a very short story so I'm okay-ish with not giving her a real fault but this is better than nothing.
1st: Being the standard open minded liberal on the LGBT issues, (which, I feel, in the mlp world is the standard assumption until proven otherwise.) makes her harder to relate to people who hate Gays. Which becomes really important after Gallus' rant. I felt it would have been really cliched if she just knew Homophobia as this fringe thing from home or from Equestria, (where we've seen no signs of such thing) and then accepted them as not evil people.
I also could have made her entire race homophobic, but than that just would have elevated her moral stance to unreasonably Mary Sue levels. In that hypothetical situation would not only have been able to ascend above the faults her own culture, but then based on her own experiences she could also forgive others who made the same mistake as her kind.
And this point Silver stops being a character and just becomes a moral guideline.
2nd: I really wanted make the mutual alienation between Silver and Gallus palpable for the next sceene. I wanted the readers to feel the separation between the two friends when Gallus starts telling his woes. Of course that needed to happen both ways but I figured that was automatic in the case of Silver. I mean no matter how understanding someone may be, no one can feel someone else’s pain. So when we see someone in that much pain even if we feel it with them to a degree we can’t help but feel unable to help. We feel like we don’t belong there with them yet don’t know if we can leave. Or at least that is my experience. But for optimal effect I also wanted to make Gallus feel alienated from Silver and this seemed like a good tool because it makes the reader feel the exact same feelings Gallus was supposed to feel.
And yes the tragedy tag is misleading, the only reason I put it there because I was under the impression the site wanted me to put at least 3 blue tags on the story. I misread a sentence somewhere in the posting process. I can't recall exactly but knowing myself I might have posted this in the middle of the night or some other awful brain-dead time.
Otherwise I'm really glad you enjoyed my story.
BTW my world veiws are quite a bit different from the fic's the other reason I wanted to write this fic to "argue" for a world view that is not my own. Which is a really fun, everyone should try it sometimes. But I admit that while I'm no longer religous, my moral stance on most questions does bear very strong influence of the Catholic values I was raised in.
10076477
Oh by the way I forgot to tell you:
In Gallus' first anger outburst you accidentally refer to him as her. And Silverstream calls him a good "person" which is weird considering he's a griffin lol.
Story is still great though.
Well, contest is over, and I'm the judge who judged your story -- so here's the review you requested! Sorry for the latency; IRL got in the way, hard, and I'm running late on these reviews. Here's hoping I find the time to wrap them up between today and tomorrow.
Anyway -- I have to admit, I was halfway through the start of this story and I had to pause and hit up the judge chat to see if anyone else had looked at this story, because I was like, is Silverstream quoting Tomas Aquinas? Is Silverstream quoting Thomas Aquinas' proof of God or am I reading too much into it. I mean surely I'm reading too much into it.
Wow holy shit no this is like. Very blatantly Thomas Aquinas. The first motor thing? The five proofs of God's existence stuff? I studied this in Highschool. Can't believe that proved itself useful.
So! You got the one judge who had a Catholic enough upbringing to catch this on the fly. I guess that counts as luck? I've no idea. Hippogriffs are clearly coded as -- I don't know if necessarily Christian? But definitely Abrahamic, that much I can see. Interesting choice, though neither good nor bad by itself, just A Thing I wanted to point out. I'll prolly come back to it later.
Anyway -- I did very much like that this story had a point to it, a clear message it wanted to convey, and it did so effectively enough. This sorta structure (two characters talk to each other, then a thesis, then a twist, then an emotional resolution) is a classic for a reason -- it works, it gets the job done, and pacing-wise at a macro level this is absolutely competent.
Micro-wise (as in, when it comes to the individual sentences, the paragraphs, the word choice) it isn't that clean, I'm afraid. More than once a paragraph changes topic so many times it becomes clear it should've been split into two or three smaller paragarphs; certain words are needlessly obscure ("nyctalopic", used within the first few paragraphs of the story, easily comes to mind) and muddle the point and make the story harder to parse.
Likewise, sometimes a same point is reiterated two, three times in a row -- and this, plus the dense wording here and there, make the story drag a little (some tense slips, too, though those are a matter of proofreading and not really that important). Here's an example of what I mean:
(Some sentences deleted to make the quote smaller, more than anything).
Like, if you read this, the fact that it's dark and Silverstream can't see is said a million times or so in the span of four paragraphs. The effect is that this comes off as slow, as boring, and the reader tends to skip it. "We get it, we get it, it's dark, move along," that sorta thing.
So, that needs a bit of polish. An exercise I always recommend when it comes to this thing is to mentally substitute every sentence with its thesis, with the point that is' trying to drive forward. If two or more sentences in a row have the same thesis together, that's a big problem. Here's how that'd look:
It works wonders for me -- I really recommend it!
Anyway, character-wise, the story is fine, though sometimes the character's voices are a bit weird. Gallus comes off as extremely emotional and whiny, and while I get that the story is literally about him being in that state of mine, having a more gradual escalation, or a more natural transmission from his usual voice to the more heightened state would've helped selling the reader on the fact that this is, in fact, Gallus speaking.
And here we come to the weird bit.
Hippogriffs are very clearly coded as Abrahamic -- Silverstream makes this clear with some very blatant allusions to faith. That's fine; we don't know anything about the spiritual lives of these characters, so you're free to do whatever with them. But the thing about there being no gay hippogriffs? Eeeeeh.
Like, reading the comments, you mention that you wanted SIlverstream to have a flaw. If that was your purpose, that really didn't work. The story isn't framed as "Silverstream is flawed", or even "Silverstream is homophobic". The story's framed in a way that seems to imply that there are, in fact, no gay hippogriffs, and so the concept is alien to her.
Which comes off as oddly homophobic by itself, I'm not going to lie. Grounding the hippogriffs with the clear Abrahamic paralels and then saying that homosexuality doesn't exist in its species sort of implies homosexuality isn't natural, that it's some kind of... I don't know, societal construct or some shit? Like, I suppose you can say it's a species thing, but the way these characters communicate and reason with each other implies that there isn't that much of a difference in the way their brains are wired.
So SIlverstream doesn't come off as flawed, and the story comes off as strangely dismissive towards gay people, and as some kind of like, indictment of it. I am very much hoping this was accidental, and I can see how that accident would happen, but this is 100% the vibe I got here, to be entirely honest.
(There's a conversation to be had about Silverstream being flawed or not in the source material, and to be honest, another about if she even needs to be flawed that way in this story at all, but I suppose it's irrelevant. You want her to be flawed, absolutely go hogwild, but weird homophobic undertones aren't going to do that; they're just going to make the audience uncomfortable).
All in all, this review seems to come off as overly negative, which I suppose is inevitable when you focus on criticism. The prose, at the micro level, needs a bit of work? But I feel it's the kind of thing that comes with practice, rather than any particular advice I can give you (look up rules for paragraphs, and when to break them into smaller chunks -- ideally every paragraph only has one big idea or piece of information that it gives to the reader, and changes in topics are signified by paragraph breaks).
The general, structural macro level was fine, though, as well as the way the story was constructed as a whole. Some missteps in characterization but nothing particularly deal-breaking --it's more a "death of a thousand cuts" sort of thing.
So, overall, that's my general opinion. This was fun! And the random Thomas Aquinas thing made me feel very smug for catching it on the fly, so hey, that was a cool Easter egg sorta deal. Thanks for joining the contest, and best of luck next time!
10167611
Okay if you felt smug I'm gonna have to burst your bubble Silver was not quoting Thomas Aquinas, she was quoting Aristotle. From whom Thomas Aquinas got a lot of his thoughts, so yes in a way Silver was quoting him but you managed to think the one thing I didn't want.
That this religion is in any way, shape or form Abrahamic. It's not. I purposely chose not to include any part of any religion that was divinely inspired. I wanted to create an argument that if you forget all the things that people believe make people religious, they still end up having a faith, and more importantly, it can still make sense.
It's a monotheistic belief yes, but if you can point to one thing that connects the hyppogriffs' beliefs to the Abrahamic religion I'm gonna tip my hat to you. (Of course T. A. doesn't count because as I just pointed out a Philosopher from a polytheistic background, a millennium and a half before him already formulated these thoughts.) I think that's why you had so much trouble pinpointing what religious group the Hyppogriffs are supposed to represent. The answer is none of them. This is a faith without religion, purely based on logic and the observation of the world around them.
Thank you! I'm so peeved how many stories don't have this. Even those you rated highly. I get that one of them tries to be funny, and one of them... Wants to show that a barfing changeling is cute? Is that even a purpose? Iunno. (Make no mistake I don't think my fic is better than those because those were actually written by people who have an affinity to writing, but still. They are so pointless. The third honourable mention is really cool though. And I haven't read the three winners)
That's gonna be a fun obstacle to overcome. Mostly because I'm a second language English speaker. All English words to me are in a sense "needlessly obscure". Some more than others but still. Usually I can just count on the fact that I speak English worse than my reader and any word I know they know as well. Maybe I reached the point at my journey in studying English that I can assume that if I think a word is obscure it probably is. Not that it would have helped in that situation because I wouldn't have ever thought nyctalopic is an obscure word. I've known since I'm eight years old because it exists in my native tongue. Though it means the opposite, strangely enough.
On the other hand "parse", a word you used, is something I had to look up. Why? Because I learnt 6th grade grammar in a non-English school, but I see why would everyone with a native English background know that. Anyhow, I don't necessarily want to bore you with my personal problems.
I don't necessarily disagree with that. All I can say in my defence is that it all had a purpose. That being said I will certainly try the technique you said. (Though I already coming up with excuses as to why they don't work on the paragraph you used as an example. Fuck, I'm being uncoachable.)
Well the problem I faced with there, is that by the time the reader meets with Gallus he had several hours contemplating on the letter. Which gave him a lot of time to contemplate on everything Silver later asked him. Which meant he was like house with a really old plaster work. One touch and it all come down.
That being said Gallus mood was a progression (albeit a fast one). He went through the five stages of grief. At first he denied the letter was real, then he got angry with his late grandfather, then he started to bargain with the world to have the chance to see him one last time.
The problem was that in the time alone, he already convinced himself that:
And this let us and Silver stuck on the wall under the plaster, Gallus' depression. I'm really not sure what else could I have done to slow this down. I could have maybe lengthen the introductory period, before Silver finds the letter, where Gallus thin mask of civility wasn't broken yet, but it already had plenty of stuff in it. (I mean everything in there is ultimately pointless in terms of telling the story.)
I'm gonna sound really condescending here, but you're so fundamentally wrong I can hardly argue with you at this point.
Few things that came to my mind about this whole thing that works even from your premises. (That hippogriffs are Abrahamic)
Gay people are not particularly important to Abrahamic religions. Take out all the anti-gay passages from the bible and I don't think it's gonna be a page shorter. So a race with no gay people could just as well be Abrahamic as one with gay people. I simply don't get why would the existence of Abrahamic religion with the absence of homosexuality would be a proof that homosexuality is a social construct.
Similarly I don't see how you can say anything other than a species thing. I just said it was, These are all imaginary biological facts about imaginary creatures. You said the way they communicate shows their brain aren't wired that differently. I mean it's literally a question of taste. I don't think a difference in taste is indicative of fundamental differences between how two people operate. If it was I wouldn't be able to communicate with gay people. And I can. And I don't think I'm less straight because I have other people in my species who aren't.
Silver is straight. Every other hippogriff is straight. Which means that when she hears about gay people she's gonna be surprised there are such things. Like imagine the first European seeing a Giraffe. It looks completely alien from all the animal they've seen. They literally couldn't have seen anything like it. Doesn't mean the concept of different species is a social construct.
It will mean however that Silver won't know all the custom's that are connected to gay people. For example that you're not supposed to ask how a race manages to keep up it's population level with gay people around. Or that you're not supposed to mention that gay sex seems impractical. Which by the way pretty impractical when you have hooked carnivorous beak half the time, and no mammalian genitalia the other. And anal hurts. (Though I guess fish have cloacas so they can only have anal? Except they don't have sex because most of them have external fertilisation. But what the fuck am I arguing for at this point?)
Also love between any two creature irrespective of size, species, sex, or reproductive biology is cute, but the lack of love between any two creatures is homophobic? How does that even work? And don't tell me homosexual love between a Dragon and Changeling has anything to do with biology. So does that mean love is a social construct? But then what is the problem with gay love being a social construct?
Sorry I got a bit carried away.
That was one of my purpose though I wanted to achieve through different means. In retrospect it might not have been the best idea either way.
Well, I guess better luck next time. Honestly for me it was so obvious that anyone who manages to catch the Thomas Aquinas thing will know it's from Aristotle originally. So you caught me completely off guard. I guess it's my mistake.
I thought I was gonna be able to put my little explanation about my use of the symbolism of light (of which I'm very proud of but I couldn't find the right place.) You may have caught it but I feel you would have mentioned it at least once.
So originally Silver wants to save his friend from the darkness. This darkness is of course have always been present in Gallus' life but for some reason it reached a point where Gallus rather spent his last day when he's amongst his friends there than with said friends. So clearly something happened. Silver wants to investigate, but for her that darkness is completely uninhabitable. Yet despite this she will go in because that's how much her friend means for her.
For Gallus the darkness is not inhabitable but obviously means a strictly inferior state of being. He can get out of it of course but in the end he would always go back.
Then they meet and Gallus lights the fire. Gallus is a very capable individual, who can turn the darkness into light but because he doesn't understand the darkness hurts him (because he can live with it indefinitely) doesn't realise the enormity of his potential. So the fireplace is lit and for the moment it looks quite comfortable even for Silver (Showing how much Gallus can do once he realises his potential)
Than as Gallus tells his tale and his mood gets ever so darker, the fire slowly starts to burn down. Silver has absolutely no control over anything, she doesn't even know how much time she has left while she can still see. She is dependent on Gallus in the cave completely. Yet when she is faced with the choice to leave the cave or not she stays because she has immense faith in Gallus.
The flame throughout Gallus depressive sulking burns down almost completely there's naught but embers giving barely any light. And just like that with his hope running dangerously low, Gallus asks Silver, how can she still have hope. Silver answeres and for a moment hope almost comes back to the place.
But then Gallus just slams it down with the fury of a God. And in that moment he really becomes God. First in a material sense because without light the only thing that Silver can do is what Gallus wants her to do. In the philosophical sense because he kills Silver's god with his arguments. While in the metaphisical sense he becomes the antithesis of God as his face becomes the face Silver imagined for the definition of evil. An evil so great, that couldn't (and for Silver didn't) exist in the material word. (Of course, the opposite of God will still be a god)
This shows the potential of the male figure in it's entirety. A male figure is very much capable of both the best and the worst without every being able to tell the difference. It takes the female figure to take his hand and guide him to the truth. A beautiful representation of this is when Aang goes full on avatar mode to absolutely disintegrate the sandbenders who stole Appa. And without saying a single word Katara goes over and reminds him it's not the right thing to do.
And Silver does just that. A strong female archetype's power doesn't lie in her own abilities. (Though Silver, much like Katara, has a lot of skills too.) It's more about her influence through others that can shape the world. And boy can she shape the world.
Because in the moment, when Silver lost it's faith in her god, and when Gallus lost his faith in pretty much everything, Silver can find the strength, not in herself, not in anything on this world or the other, but in her faith in Gallus.
This is what shows Gallus the way. This is what enables him to use his ability to see in the darkness (which used to permanently tie him to the cave) to lead Silver out, and only then, when he is able to utilise his abilities for the good of others, can he actually finally leave the cave for good.
I think this is beautiful. Not my fic, that's the work of a second rate charlatan, but the underlying story about the unity of the male and the female archetype.
What do you think about it?
Anyhow thank you very much for your criticism I hope I can make good use of your advice on the technical things.
P.S. Do you have a problem with your spacebar or something? There are an unreasonable amount of double spaces in your text.
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I'm ESL too, don't worry. Language proficiency comes with practice, so don't sweat it much. (Also, I don't see any double spaces in my message whatsoever. Do you mean my emdashes (--) or something? Because those are supposed to have spaces in there. Admittedly, my eyesight is a bit poor, so I might literally just not see them even if they're there).
As per the light thing, it was fine, I suppose. Bit on the nose, but if you had fun with it, it's all that matters. It served its purpose.
Okay, if you don't mind me being candid, I think implying that a woman's only strength relies in asking the men to do stuff is a horrible way to rob her of any agency whatsoever. I don't know where you got this idea of "the female archetype" but it sounds sexist as fuck, and genuinely offensive. Frankly speaking.
Yes, this is actively terrible. I'm sorry, I don't think there's any beauty in this underlying story you just told me about.
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Even if I had said that every female is incapable of doing something on their own - which I hadn't - I would have also said that every male is incapable of doing anything with others. Which is also sexist as fuck, so I don't know why you would be appalled against one but not the other. Sexist much?
Luckily I didn't say either and I don't think you're sexist. Female and male archetype are dealing with tendencies not with individuals, and even less with specific acts of individuals. Yes the name is no accident biological males and females have a tendency to act like their own archetype but they also do a quite a lot of stuff that is unlike their archetype.
Even in the freest most sexually equal western societies 90+ precent of nursery home teachers will be female, and 90+ percent of carpenters will be male. Does that mean that the other ~ 10% are less of a man/woman? I don't think that, but I acknowledge the tendencies.
For me what's beautiful is that neither of these capable of doing fifty percent of what they are capable together. It is their bond that I wanted to emphasize not their individual capabilities. Yes one of them in this specific situation did have a pussy and the other a dick, and yes in most situations like this the individuals who play these respective roles will have the same genitalia as my characters. But ultimately the doesn't matter A: because in some situation they won't have these specific sexes. (I could have also told this story two asexual blobs who reproduce with mitosis) and B: they are both equally worthless alone.
If that's not equality I don't know what is.
Review is done!
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213901/my-little-reviews-feedback/thread/447765/review-in-the-light-of-the-dark-by-jnzsblzs
Bumf
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Well, while I can't say I understand what you meant, I hope at least you enjoyed the story.