I'm like a god in cervine clothing. Lightning bolts shoot from my antler tips.
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Ocellus grew up in a dark cave all he life with nothing but natural bioluminescence of the hive's glowing fungi. Now that she is enrolled in Twilight's school of friendship, she had discovered a brand new form of light.
Lamps.
They are really pretty too....
Written as part of the The Discovery Contest.
Not expecting a win, but at least give me a participation ribbon, come on guys.
Featured 1/30/20, and is my first feature XD
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This was great. Really funny!
That reminded me of a story Jay David wrote about Thorax.
Very funny. Thumbs up from me.
This was hilarious
oh, THIS is going to be good! Ponies/Changelings-drawn-to-light-source fics are ALWAYS funny!
Yep, was funny. Now they know hwo to best Chrysalis when she decides to team up with Tirek and Cozy later.
Fun fact: moths are actually starting to learn not to do this!
Cute
Wait until Ocellus starts to orbit them, getting closer and closer just to back off, then closer, then back, then...
Seen fics like this a couple of times before, but the idea still doesn't seem to be getting old.
This story was too cute! Nicely done.
10059936
Thank you lol, glad you think so.
10059905
Yeah lol, these kinds of stories are amazing lol. My first story in the site was one of these actually lol.
10059708
They are? That is a fun fact lol.
10059954
Actually, now that I think about it, I've read that one too.
Cute. Quite an enjoyable little read.
Rather abrupt end, though. Think the ending needed something a bit snappier, a funnier note to end on, like, I don't know. Ocellus going on a rampage, smashing all the 'soul eating glass orbs' or something.
Oh dear god... That was a laugh riot, like seriously.
Yeah, because that's definitely what any teacher would do if just one student is absent.
Came for the "I love lamp" jokes...
Ocellus, a möth.
10060131
Twilight would.
I usually like these stories and this was a fun concept but maaan this was disappointing. It had basically one joke that you spoiled with the title, one that was actually funny - the Ben Franklin one - (extra credit for the lamphade hanging if it was intentional) and one slightly funny but painfully out of place character interaction. Not nearly enough
I really don't know what this story was supposed to be. For comedy it was unfunny, for worldbuilding it was unoriginal and for slice of life it was way too bland.
Dont get me wrong it wasn't bad per se, but - and I dont mean to sound offensive - but this story was created because you wanted to participate in competition not because you had a story to tell. Which is fine of course but I think this story could have really used some extra work.
But hey based on the number of likes/dislikes maybe I'm wrong. So good job on garnering heat.
Yes! Finally, a story about Ocellus that doesn't ship her with Smolder. Thank you, writer!
Nice way to skip a test. Twilight never get the simpel solution
I love the fact that this is literally a joke comparing ocellus to a moth because changelings are bugs lol
10060131
The thing is, ponies care a lot more about each other. Or at least Twilight does. Twilight also knows Ocellus personally.
Twilight also doesn't know how to delegate properly.
10060966
Thanks! It's a picture from DeviantArt. Here's the link if you're interested:
https://www.deviantart.com/regicollis/art/An-American-Monarchy-Coat-of-arms-403148445
Also reminds me of this comic.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/12/19/187334.jpeg
(derpi link)
I was waiting for Twilight to light her horn at the end. Ocellus reacting to that might be... interesting.
10060463
Profile Pic checks out
Hmm... *turns the lamp back off* You ok, Ocellus?
Let's hope that other Changelings don't have the same... interest when it comes to lamps.
"Twilight, may I have some lamps?"
-Ocellus
This was both very brilliant and well made! I couldn't have ever thought that such a great story like this would have existed until ya brought it out! Truly a great piece of writing with the awesome grammar, perfect plotline, everything! Hope ya didn't mind that I made a little reading of it! I couldn't resist!
Audio Link!: https://youtu.be/o8XdNUR_qkk
(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment!)
Ocellus requires the lämp
10061405
I am not offended at all lol
Infact, it has always been basically a dream of mine to one day get a story of mine read on YouTube, so I am really thankful for that ^^
Thank you so much!
pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1045248502434082817/nawJbS5x_400x400.jpg
LÄMP
10062351
You are welcome my fellow Cervine.
Mm
10061405
Dammit you beat me to it!
10062973
Hey, no issues with having two readings of the same fic XD
10063467
Eeeehhh, it just bugs me is all. I don't wanna accidentally steal someone else's thunder. >.<
Reading through this made me think of this
:
I like how at the end, the Young Six sans Ocellus are like:
derpicdn.net/img/2020/1/11/2244456/large.jpg
This was a fun story. I enjoyed the first part, which had some good banter and you depicted Ocellus's light obsession well. I do agree the ending was on the weak side, though. First, this story probably would have been better set early in Ocellus's time at the school, especially since she has a lamp in her room she apparently never used until now. Then the actual end isn't conclusive nor does it end with a good gag.
Cute and funny story, well done.
Deergenerate! How are you doing. This is a cool story; thank you so much for submitting it. The great thing about the Young Six is that you have five characters with backgrounds, cultures and physiologies that can be dug into, especially for laughs.
Anyways, I’m here because you requested feedback. I think. I hope. Help I’m losing track.
This is the first story I’ve reviewed that was a straight-up comedy, and I’m happy to finally have one, because while I’ve only written a handful of comedies, they’re something I love to read and analyze and break apart into funny little pieces. So hopefully you can find some of what I say useful. Here goes nothin’.
I think what this story is missing, most of all, is a sense of escalation. What you have here is a funny premise, that Ocellus is hopelessly attracted to shiny bright lights, ‘cause she’s a dang bug, but the story doesn’t go much further beyond that. It escalates a little bit when the friends try to wrestle her away from the lamp, and a little bit more when Gallus decides to go get the crowbar (loved the explanation behind that, btw). But that’s essentially as far as we go. Silverstream pulls the plug, which is itself a good joke, but then the story is already over, conflict resolved. But then we keep going?
See, everything after your scene break is the same premise happening over again. I didn’t feel there was much benefit to that section, because the reader isn’t wondering what’s going to happen. We know Ocellus is not going to be there for roll call, we know she’ll be sucked into the lamp when they find her, and it’ll be difficult to get her free. We’ve seen all this already.
The great thing about escalation is that it forces you to not rest on the same handful of jokes. Jack of a Few Trades’s entry into the contest is a good example of a comedy that isn’t resting--it starts with a problem, then it gets worse, and worse, and worse... and this is the bread and butter of comedies. There’s a funny premise that people can latch on to, and then it goes in a direction that you’re not expecting, and as the shenanigans go on, they build off of each other, making the story funnier and funnier as you go.
The next time you’re writing a comedy, I encourage you to dig deeper once you’ve come up with a funny idea. Say your idea is this one: Ocellus becomes addicted to bright lights. Now how could that really get out of hand? And what’s a good resolution for that conflict that will make everyone laugh out loud, or groan and smack their head, or whatever reaction you want people to have at the end (in this case, you succeeded at that last part: the ending was to pull the plug).
Last thing: There’s a fair number of typos and punctuation errors in here. It’s not quite at the level that would affect you in judging, but it’s definitely pushing it. For one easy fix, check out some tips for how to properly punctuate and capitalize dialogue.
That’s it from my end! Thank you for submitting this story; I was certainly glad to have read it. I hope you enjoyed the contest and found some piece of my feedback helpful. Good luck with your whole thing, and I’ll see you around.
The meme in the end made me laugh so hard. Good story overall.
You know that kind of reminds me when Thorax That's so attracted to the fire But not as crazy im surprise I guess the lamp have more affected to bugs lol
Considering how Thorax reacted in the episode "Triple Threat" that might actually be canon:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2017/8/19/1514466.gif
Source.
Just hope Cadance doesn't hear about this:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/4/10/1704433.png
Source.
Good story!
I enjoyed reading it.
10059629
I like to think that they were frozen in stone in the pose of Tirek and Cozy Glow trying and failing to pull Chrysalis away from a lamp.
10061271
Meanwhile...
Thorax: "It looks like Twilight shipped us something from her culture. There are enough for everyling here. I wonder what she sent this time."
10063557
So what you're saying is that it bugs you that someone stole the spotlight from you?
11066858
Oh hey, fancy meeting you here... on the page of a story I read, like, 2 years ago?
11066930
So I'm a little late to the party. But tell me that's not a good pun... Or tell me it's a bad pun. In one of my D&D groups, I've gained a reputation for my bad puns to a point where I can end up getting punished for it.