- Member Since 11th Nov, 2019
- offline last seen Jan 13th, 2021
LupusDominus
"Not merely a man anymore, but a machine made for blood and destruction of the Emperor's enemies!"
LupusDominus
Joined 11th Nov, 2019 ·
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Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!! Kill Maim Burn!!
... Did I forget anything?
9986280
Nope, you're good brother. Love the enthusiasm
good old isstvan the original cadia
plus i will like to see more
Okay several things wrong how Istvaan went. Istvanians were traitors, when world eaters were deployed at habitation areas. They were met only civilians with crude knifes ho charged them. World eaters were stuck there until Tarvitz of the emperors children warned Lokan, and only then did they warn a world eaters captain. And then they went to underground catacombs. Death guard was wiped out entirely on the outskirts, Typhon was not leading them, he was a traitor captain in orbit. There were no loyal humans but there were sons of Horus companies. There was no demons at any moment. Horus even talked before to a deamon that after Istvaan he will use deamons help but not before it. World eater loyalist charged Angron ho did land first without Horuses command. But loyal sons of Horus and emperors children used loyal world eaters distraction to fortify citadels entrances but did not join in that fight. As far as they saw it, it was foolish to face traitors in the open unprepared. Ou yea and terminator armored marine cannot clime walls. First rule of using terminator armor is that you do not stop moving forward. Because if you do then gaining momentum again will be slow ,switch makes you a massive slow target. It was mentioned it "angel exterminatus" book.
9986660
I appreciate the in depth critique of the story actually. Thank you for notifying me. Perhaps in due time, I can potentially make some rewrites of the prologue chapter and correct any deeper issues that may cause inconsistencies. Although I will admit that I do tend to lean more on simply telling a creative story apart from the more traditional lore of the universe I may be writing in. But I will be taking your critiques under advisement going forward and see about doing any corrections where necessary.
Thanks for the review brother ^-^
Am I correct in assuming that I inspired this story through Lost Loyalty? Looking good so far. Warpsmith pretty covered most of the first two chapters' problems, except there's a part in Chapter two where you called the World Eaters the 9th Legion instead of the 12th.
As for this chapter, biggest issue is that he didn't attack the Eldar outright. It would make more sense if she was hoping from tree limb to tree limb while he was cutting the trees down in an effort to reach her.
Also, you brought it up in a previous chapter that the World Eater is psychic himself, so I don't think he'd have a hatred for the unicorn's magic. ( He's not a Space Wolf after all
)
i miss this so much it is good to see a new chapter
Umm... what kinda weapon are we talking about here? Because as far as i know, there are no such weapons that shoot crystals. There are shuriken weapons but thous shoot discs sou small that they pass thru molecules. They would not stuck on a body like that they would go straight thru. Sou i have no idea what was shooting but it could not be eldar weaponry.
10051259
I appreciate the fact-checking criticism. I have re-examined my sources I used and found that the error of designation is on my end. I mis-read and mis-described the weapon's ammunition that was used in this segment. The crystals described are actually the means of which this Eldar's weapon are assisted in directing the actual projectile, which is somewhat akin to an Imperial Las-bolt; but much more precise and powerful. I will be making this simple correction post-haste.
Thanks again for the catch there Brother.
10051216
I have been busy as of late, but I finally found some spare time to write out the next Chapter. Glad to see there are still Brothers out there enjoying the story as it proceeds.
I was going to comment on how these didn’t seem like Space Marines, and more like Chaos Marines worshipping Khorne with the depiction of their revel in blood and gore and seeming disregard for anything else.
But then I googled the Butcher’s Nails and was reminded that the World Eater Legion are Chaos Marines.
I was also going to comment on the fact that they were described as being filled with rage, which reminded me of the Angry Space Marines. ALWAYS ANGRY, ALL THE TIME!
So far so good, though I do wonder when and how the ponies truly come into play.
Wait, why does he suddenly have amnosia?
Soooo this isn’t Equestria. Is he mayhaps somewhere in the Immaterium. A world-in-flux, constantly being beset by random invaders?
It’s confusing, not gonna lie. There hasn’t really been a proper moment to stop and think about things.