(He/They) Sometimes you just want to hear your favorite story told a little different
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After the Storm King's army was disbanded Tempest decides to stay in Ponyville for a few weeks to prove she can be a valued citizen of Equestria.
She expects to be bored. She expects civilian life to be hard to adjust to.
She doesn't expect Rainbow Dash to approach her, asking for combat training. And she certainly doesn't expect to start to like the cocky Pegasus.
But opening your heart to friendship means opening it to some other things as well.
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I'll be looking forward to reading more of this story!
Definitely looking forward to seeing where this goes!
That being said, unless you're referencing an obscure electronica band from 2013, it should be "Prisoners," not "Prismers". (Or is that a pun?)
EDIT: Whelp, it seems as though I've wooshed myself. My bad.
Looking forward for more, but almost two months for a chapter hurts.
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Heh yeah, I'm trying to find a balance between not overwhelming myself but still scheduling updates so I dont accidentally wait two years before posts...again.
Hopefully I can be a little quicker but that's all I can promise.
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I rue the day I misspell 'prison' with an 'm'. It is supposed to be a pun on a 'rainbow prism' so no need to worry
I've been looking for some interaction between Tempest and Rainbow ever since I watched the movie, whether friendly or romantic. Thanks for planning to provide both with this story.
And it was good interaction too, with characterization I consider faithful to boot. Tempest strives to look as calm and in control as she was during the invasion. She doesn't care to lie or even beat around the bush. She lunges when you least expect it and keeps lunging until you're down for the count.
She's also her inimitably clueless self. She's absolutely convinced that not a single creature in the world can hold a candle to her. She refuses to teach Rainbow because she assumes she can't take tyrannical training and doesn't want to waste her time on a future washout nor to deal with the consequences her brutal methods imply as far as the Princess of Friendship's leniency towards her is concerned. She's utterly unaware of the irony when she just doesn't get why Rainbow would want to learn how to fight.
I found Rainbow well-written as well. She can tell sweet moves when she sees them, wants to be able to pull them herself and sees no problem with asking for training. She wants to learn them in the first place to protect those she loves. She hates feeling useless, more so than ever when it's about the previous point.
At the same time, she just can't help her "because of things like you" barb and she genuinely doesn't see Tempest's surprise attack coming even though of course that's what the guided missile with anger issues the movie presented her as would do.
I like how even-handed that part was, incidentally. I've seen Tempest depicted as this 'real world meets fantasy land' nametaking machine so often in fanfictions, it's both refreshing and delightful to see Rainbow practically flying circles around her while barely moving. They both were treated carefully and respectfully, and I thank you for that.
The only thing left to improve, as I see it, is the narration.
From the get-go, the short description misses a period at the end, and I suggest adding a comma after "After the Storm King attack." Chances are it should be 'Storm King's attack' as well, but as far as I remember, what you have written is correct English.
"Pegasus" and "Unicorn" are also always capitalized, which experience has taught me is a thing with Microsoft Word's spellchecker.
That said, it fits to have the narration call Rainbow 'the pegasus.' Tempest only considers her in relation to the pony she actually cares about, to the point she probably only remembers and/or assumes there's a 'Rainbow' in her name because of her mane and tail. Or more likely, because of that time she oh so generously helped her pinpoint their location with her little trick on the way to Mount Aris.
The problem with that good point is that the narration sometimes switches to Rainbow's point of view just like that, before jumping back into Tempest's head. Once, it even goes for a more 'omniscient third person' approach, with this line;
Several people in Ponyville would probably describe Rainbow as 'usually laid-back,' but not Tempest. She didn't even bother learning her name, she certainly didn't spend enough time to deem her such. Or at least not "usually," if she managed to tear her attention from Twilight during the post-victory party to focus on one of the ponies she had no reason to care about beyond 'she's one of Twilight's best friends.'
She could use several terms insulting Rainbow's intelligence here, precisely because of that Sonic Rainboom, but "usually laid back" was a very strange jolt out of Tempest's point of view; or Rainbow's, since I doubt she'd refer to herself as 'usually laid-back' as she asks her question.
Mind you, 'in-character narration' isn't a dogma to obey, but it's still a little strange when so much of the narration is from Tempest's perspective.
I was thrown out here and there by the said tags, but you have to really look for the mistakes to realize they're not perfect.
The line "Tempest blinked, honestly shocked" was also very telly. 'Show, don't tell' isn't a dogma either, but that sentence did stand out from the much showier "Rainbow bristled, her coat standing on end in an attempt to make herself look intimidating" later on.
I believe that specific line could be an opportunity, incidentally. The way it's written, it strangely describes what sounds like a subconscious, instinctual reaction as something Rainbow chose to do deliberately.
Tip the point of view over to Tempest, however, and you can sprinkle her years of experience into the narration. Perhaps she's fought enough pegasi in the past to have noticed their coat always puffs up to make themselves look larger when they're annoyed or feel threatened. Perhaps, in this precise moment, she thinks Rainbow looks cute in an absolutely condescending way, as Sauron would find a random no-name soldier of Gondor raising his sword at him simply adorable before he swings his mace and sends him flying three hills over.
I found some typos as well;
Princess'
with
Ma'am, yes ma'am!
I know my criticism is longer than my praise, but I still consider this story good. I just feel it could be even better.
And finally, the lines I liked;
9926003 9926008
Good thing it's NaNo :)
And you and I know very well that misspelling prison with an "m" is exactly the kind of thing you would do. Maybe not on your published work, but don't lie to yourself :P
This is a good read and a fascinating concept, but it really drives home how much the movie had to stack the deck in Tempest's favor for her to be a legitimate threat. Even putting aside the threefold Worfing of the princesses and the marked absence of Equestria's allies from a Festival of Friendship, the movie erased Equestria's armed forces from existence, excepting the Wonderbolts. And that's the thing: Dash is a Wonderbolt. She's in a branch of the Equestrian military. A demonstration squadron, yes, but the military nonetheless. And even before her first day at the Academy, she charged a manticore, kicked a dragon, fought invading changelings, and taught martial arts. The mare should have some degree of combat training. By all rights, she should've tackled Tempest out of the sky while Edgehorse was kicking her second gorgon grenade.
But those issues are more with the artificial conflict of the movie than your story. Suffice to say, I look forward to seeing where you go with this. It's just asking for a fair amount of suspended disbelief.
Congratz, you got featured. 11/5/2019
really awesome concept, can't wait to see how this plays out for both of them lul
Don't forget that Rainbow Dash is not entirely untrained.
derpicdn.net/img/2019/1/17/1937936/full.png
Also the short description has a misplaced, comma.
Putting this in the library
Very excited to see what will happen with between rainbow and Tempest. Looking forward to the next release.
I may just read this at sunrise on the 29th.
> Dash teleports behind u
"Nothing personnel, filly.".
Crack ships are often among the most interesting, if for no other reason than how well they come together.
Well, I'm intrigued. :3
And then they kissed.
Seems promising.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
...intriguing. Tell me more.
Tracked. Looking forward to the next chapter!
A delay in the second chapter? If you don’t mind me asking?
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Yeah sorry! I dont really have a good excuse, writing has just been a lot slower than planned...
10010803
It’s alright. I can wait.
I really hope you keep this story going. It has a lot of potential, and you're an excellent writer.
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Aww thank you!
I have every intention of uploading another chapter soon, so dont worry. I'm just... very slow...
I'm keeping when I was supposed to have it up stuck there so I can embarrass myself into writing lol
Tactical rainbomb incoming!
Actually a very important lesson
I like where this is going! Thanks for the update.
Rainbow's unwillingness to use potentially lethal force even against a military invasion is also an important lesson, although clearly that's going to have to be more of a long term one.
Nice chapter! I’ll be waiting for Chapter 3!
Flashbacks to AJ's barn...don't let Rainbow bite you, Tempest!
This addresses several of my concerns from the previous chapter. The key issue here isn't physical training but mental. Dash may not realize it, but she's asked to learn how to kill, or at least grievously harm. I don't know if she'll be able to continue these lessons if she realizes precisely what she signed up for.
Though she's already surprised her teacher once. She could surprise me just as easily.
You're amazing! Thank you!
I am loving this read, glad to hear the next is being worked on, I look forward to seeing how all this progresses. Thanks for chapter Tangerine Blast.
I like this read a lot but I do find it odd that Tempest didn't expect Rainbow's speed in chapter one when in chapter 2 she claims she's done her research about her. Maybe you're just trying to be wicked smart with some double twist that Tempest didn't actually do any research about Rainbow untill after they've met in chapter 1 and now she just wanna look smart but still, it looks weird.
Anyhow keep up the good work.
This is gud.
Keep it up.
Please try and meet your goals I was very sad Dec. 29th and 30th
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I know I'm so sorry I lied to you all!
The next chapter is, like, a third of the way done so it should be up fairly soon
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Yay!
Great chapter!
You know. I'm shocked I didn't find this until now! Tempest is probably my favorite character in MLP. I'm edgy, sue me. So Finding a story with RD and Tempest? Wow!
Well. At least I found it now! Only Took it appearing on the front page.
Aww, fizzie's making friends!
I like Tempest's observation of Pinkie and Rainbow.
Pinkie is somepony content with her lot in life.
Rainbow is defined by ambition and advancement.
It's always a delight when you find the characters working that flow for you, yes. This chapter was befitting of its title. Nice work!
Loved it
Ooh, I didn’t realized this updated! It’s a wonderful chapter, and I can’t wait for more!
A few typos.
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Aww thank you! Typos fixed
Brilliant stuff in both the character dynamics and just how much Tempest is out of her depth. Not just in terms of things like Equestrian pescetarianism or Pinkie's hidden depths, but subtle touches like the distinction between cake and frosting. Looking forward to more.
I am way too stubborn to be in Tempest's place in this story.
Great chapter!
The Rainbow/Tempest relationship is great in this story!