Sombra's afterlife is not a pleasant one. He is tired of his eternal flight from the sins he committed in life. He wonders what he might do to possibly end his torment.
Written for Imposing Sovereigns II: Once and Future
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 3rd May, 2019
- offline last seen 48 minutes ago
Jhoira
Time to write some fanfiction! Yay! If you have any thoughts comment! I find reading them fun!
Jhoira
Joined 3rd May, 2019 ·
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A fascinating tale, though told inexpertly. Seeing Sombra confront his paranoia was fascinating, but the prose is often clunky, repeating itself, throwing a lot of information at the audience at once, or just presenting a string of run-on sentences. The perspective drifts at times—we're in Sombra's head; how would he know Minuette's name?—and the pacing can be very uneven. Those Sombran loyalists come out of nowhere... which is actually kind of appropriate, but generally the kind of thing you want to spring at the end of a chapter for the cliffhanger, not a few hundred words before it gets resolved.
In all, you definitely had a good idea. The shadowy afterlife is a fascinating look into an area the show never dared to, and the central conceit is a very promising one. You just need more experience when it comes to refining your style. Write more, read more, and you'll be well on your way. Thank you for your entry.
9908043
Hehe, that’s how I write. Story over style. ^.^ I do like my long sentences.
I’ve only really spent the time to refine one of my stories and while I do agree it was better it didn’t strike me as the average reader caring, hehe. And whild I like contests I’m never in it to win it ^.^
Hope you have a good contest! Have fun!
I'm gonna have to echo a lot of what FOME said. There's some really interesting stuff being covered here, but I just couldn't get into it--it felt like every paragraph had a run-on-sentence or odd construction, and it kept yanking me out of the story.
Beyond that, though, I feel like it needed more work to get Sombra from how he was in canon to how he was here. This is the pony who puts his subjects in masks that turn them into seemingly mindless slaves--that reeks of someone who had the same realization he did here, that his subjects are not truly loyal, but arrived at such a different conclusion I struggle to see them being the same character the way this story is presented.
I think this needed a lot more time to breathe than it got. It would be interesting to see its ideas expanded upon, though.
9910772
Did he mind control people the first time he was in power? What I thought was it was only the times he retook power and needed an army, but I might be mistaken. ^.^
Pity the named villain, not the nameless masses.
9937508
They aren't mutually exclusive.
9937534
You're right. They aren't mutually exclusive.
Thats why I said pity the named villain, not the nameless masses. The Crystal Empire in the show is all about moving on, Sombra's gone, forget the bad times and enjoy the good times. This story is all about Sombra, his philosophy and the fact that he is right. Twilight is betrayed, captured and placed at the mercy of Sombra's supporters.
Who cares about the nameless Crystal Ponies? Sombra is AWESOME! His name alone can inspire ponies to capture alicorns! Its pity he died. Those nameless, faceless Crystal Pony masses? Forget those losers!
aww this is so sweet :') i mean it's horrifying and hellish, and it's good to see him getting consequences for his actions, but it has wonderful emotional beats. well done!
10032322
^.^
I'm toying with the idea of completely rewriting it since it does need to be cleaned up.