One Night's Rest

by Jhoira

One Night's Rest

Sombra looked around, he was back in the shadow realm. But he was there, in silence. He cantered over to the window and looked out at the horde, but the horde was stopped. They stood there, staring up at the house on the hill, Sombra was baffled. He looked around the house and then gasped, walking over cautiously to the bed that his father and mother had slept in. It, unlike all the other things, had color to it. Hesitantly Sombra touched it with a hoof, and it was solid. After a moment's hesitation, the king threw himself onto the bed. Without even drawing the covers over himself he was asleep instantly.

Sombra's dreams, oh his dreams were the purest joy. Not only was he back in Equestria, he was with his parents, and they were happy. He ran across the fields with the sheep, he sheered them with his father and wove with his mother. He could not tell how many memories he danced through, or for how long he slept, but he knew only that it was not enough. Even as his eyes opened he groaned slightly, trying to close them again, but he fell through the bed, and he heard them. The thundering of hooves up the hill.

But now, Sombra stood up, his rested soul now ready for the chase again. He barged through the wall of the house, turning down the hill, away from the horde seeking vengeance upon him. Though he knew this time, like all other times, this run would end in his death. But this time, he did not fear the coming pain as much as he had. He clung to the memories that the world and his dreams had dug up, clung to them as a starving pony clung to oats.

Sombra paused for a moment outside the home, seeing two headstones. While Sombra would have preferred his parents to be represented together, he supposed this was good enough. Though it cost him precious seconds he approached the two headstones, looking at the larger headstone he frowned.

White Wool and Golden Strands
????-????
Peaceful shepards

Sombra looked to the other headstone, his eyes widening as he read what was on it.

A shepherd's son
????-????

Sombra would have marveled for longer but he heard the thundering of hooves coming for him. As he ran he glanced one last time back at the house, and the horde, frowning a moment. He wasn't sure if it was his memory playing tricks on him, but the horde seemed a little smaller than it was before he returned to Equestria. He turned his concentration back to running, fleeing from his victims. Looking up at the shadowed sky he smiled for a moment. For the first time in his afterlife, he had a sliver of hope for his future. "Father, I earned a night's rest. What can I do to earn my final rest?" Though there was no answer, he couldn't help but think that he saw a flicker of color in the corner of his vision.

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

A fascinating tale, though told inexpertly. Seeing Sombra confront his paranoia was fascinating, but the prose is often clunky, repeating itself, throwing a lot of information at the audience at once, or just presenting a string of run-on sentences. The perspective drifts at times—we're in Sombra's head; how would he know Minuette's name?—and the pacing can be very uneven. Those Sombran loyalists come out of nowhere... which is actually kind of appropriate, but generally the kind of thing you want to spring at the end of a chapter for the cliffhanger, not a few hundred words before it gets resolved.

In all, you definitely had a good idea. The shadowy afterlife is a fascinating look into an area the show never dared to, and the central conceit is a very promising one. You just need more experience when it comes to refining your style. Write more, read more, and you'll be well on your way. Thank you for your entry.

[Jhoira]

9908043
Hehe, that’s how I write. Story over style. ^.^ I do like my long sentences.

I’ve only really spent the time to refine one of my stories and while I do agree it was better it didn’t strike me as the average reader caring, hehe. And whild I like contests I’m never in it to win it ^.^

Hope you have a good contest! Have fun!

[NaiadSagaIotaOar]

I'm gonna have to echo a lot of what FOME said. There's some really interesting stuff being covered here, but I just couldn't get into it--it felt like every paragraph had a run-on-sentence or odd construction, and it kept yanking me out of the story.

Beyond that, though, I feel like it needed more work to get Sombra from how he was in canon to how he was here. This is the pony who puts his subjects in masks that turn them into seemingly mindless slaves--that reeks of someone who had the same realization he did here, that his subjects are not truly loyal, but arrived at such a different conclusion I struggle to see them being the same character the way this story is presented.

I think this needed a lot more time to breathe than it got. It would be interesting to see its ideas expanded upon, though.

[Jhoira]

9910772
Did he mind control people the first time he was in power? What I thought was it was only the times he retook power and needed an army, but I might be mistaken. ^.^

[fanreader999999]

Pity the named villain, not the nameless masses.

[Jhoira]

9937508
They aren't mutually exclusive.

[fanreader999999]

9937534
You're right. They aren't mutually exclusive.

Thats why I said pity the named villain, not the nameless masses. The Crystal Empire in the show is all about moving on, Sombra's gone, forget the bad times and enjoy the good times. This story is all about Sombra, his philosophy and the fact that he is right. Twilight is betrayed, captured and placed at the mercy of Sombra's supporters.

Who cares about the nameless Crystal Ponies? Sombra is AWESOME! His name alone can inspire ponies to capture alicorns! Its pity he died. Those nameless, faceless Crystal Pony masses? Forget those losers!