Requiem

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Nightmares are inherently awful, but sometimes they inspire words one has forgotten to say over the years.

Sunburst is about to find this out.

Coverart by Vector-Brony

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Yosh-E-O

Yosh-E-O #1 · Sep 28th, 2019 · · ·

Gee-golly do you know how to hit the 'feels'. I was easily able to visualize all of this and, for a few brief moments, event felt like I may cry as my own thoughts of regret started to form along with Sunburst's.

Dreams are certainly something else. Those which have a call back to a particular moment in which get warped by fears, regrets, sadness, etc. are very rough to go through. I think, a few weeks ago, I had such a dream that did have me awake in both terror, sadness, and gratefulness that it wasn't real. I pushed it as quickly as I could into the many halls of my mind. However the mind has ways of finding such content and bringing it right back with the right real-life situations.

I believe, as a parent, you never can stop seeing your kid as a kid. I know my mom still feels sorrow for how I was, along with my sister, born with a condition that took my eyesight. I tell her often about all the 'good' things that have come from losing my sight but there's also enough out there for her to see how much of a struggle it is for my sister and I. She wants to be there for us but her own health has declined in recent years to where she could have a seizure with the smallest 'trigger'. So she can only call and observe along with me doing the same.

My sister still has sight. Not a whole lot but enough to be able to see things with the adaptive tools. As her older brother, I hope she can retain her sight until after December 19th of this year. If she does, my sister will have kept vision longer than I did in my life. (I lost the rest of my sight at Age 36 on December 15th As my sister was born 3 days after me and 3 years after this makes December 19th 2019 so relevant.)

I do regret I wasn't able to be as proactive as I could have been to keep all the scares, surgeries, etc. from happening. Though I, along with the doctors, could only do so much and one part of your body can only be tampered with before it just says it's done. My mom was largely there to get me through a lot of my surgeries. It was terrible having to have her witness all that took my sight away as I know, to her, she felt so much pain for she will never be able to totally pardon herself for the sentence of blindness genetics gave my sister and I. Though, in the least, my sister has not needed even half of what I did nor gone through the same degree of mental abuse and workplace bullying. I hope she never gets to know that which has me maxed out on anti-anxiety and depression meds.

I try to always remind my mom of the good and of how I was thankful for all her effort to keep me with sight for as long as I had it. However, like Sunburst, there will always be that tinge of guilt for knowing the pain he put his mother through and never feeling as if he did right to show how much he cared for what his mother had gone through.

superfun