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Sunset Shimmer and Wallflower Blush have been dating for several months now and they're such a happy couple! On the surface at least. Not all problems surface until its far too late to save them, however. Will their high school romance last?
Written for the Sunset Shipping Contest: Endings fount Here.
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That was a doozy. Loved it!
9834714
Thank you. There shall be more don't worry.
I am not feeling this one. To me, there are three primary issues: Pacing, prose, and character. We'll start with the first.
Your story is roughly two thousand words long. That's not only on the shorter end of the spectrum for this competition, it's short for a story period. Especially for everything you're trying to accomplish: Setting up a plausible relationship, and conveying a plausible reason for that relationship to end. You'd sort of expect a 2k fic about a relationship ending to focus in deeply on the two characters and their personalities, but the bulk of the story is told in these long, rather dense paragraphs about scene and sensory description.
Those paragraphs are also so dense that they're difficult to follow. You're trying to convey a sense of action and momentum; what you'd want to do is have smaller, more focused paragraphs that emphasize how fast and harrowing the trip is, but by writing them so densely, and packing them with trivial information (like Wallflower's outfit, or the characters' hair color; we know what Sunset's hair looks like, trust me), your paragraphs are getting in their own way.
By the time the story reaches the halfway mark, very little of consequence has actually happened. We have a few moments of a road trip stretched out across, like, a thousand words.
I'd like to give a thorough, line-by-line breakdown of the prose, too, but time isn't really allowing me to give anything more than an overview of the story's main issues. I'll at least point out that you need to use possessive apostrophes: "her girlfriend's jacket," rather than "her girlfriends jacket." You dig?
(I guess I'd also point out that the scenario at the start of the story is confusing: Sunset is driving them to the date, but Wallflower knows where it is, and is expected to give directions, but Sunset is also driving so fast and crazy that Wallflower can barely concentrate on staying alive)
The last thing I'll highlight is character. This is a story about a relationship ending. To sell that, you have to justify why these characters are in a relationship in the first place. Even if they're on the rocks, there should be a suggestion as to what brought them together in the first place.
I don't see that here. Sunset is patronizing and dismissive toward Wallflower's hobbies, interests, and personal comfort. It's not just a case of differing personalities; they have nothing in common, and no interest in the other person's interests. Sunset comes across as a shallow thrill-junkie who's incapable of slowing down and appreciating anything that isn't moving at 60 MPH. She behaves more like Rainbow Dash than Sunset Shimmer. I have no idea what drew her to date Wallflower in the first place, unless she just thinks Wallflower is cute, or whatever. Conversely, Wallflower seems more terrified of/exasperated with Sunset than attracted to her. I can't really buy this relationship lasting long enough to have had multiple dates and arguments already.
I don't see it, I'm sorry. I think if you'd slowed down and developed a slower, more intimate story about these two, then you might have been able to sell this scenario as the ending of a dysfunctional relationship, but you neither built up nor payed off that break-up effectively.
Mind you, I'm not a judge in the contest. All I can really give is my opinion.
9835917
Yea I fully understand what you're saying and honestly agree. If I had like a week or so more, I would rewrite it in a heartbeat. However, I wanted to post the story for the contest and a lot of the ideas I had to put more depth and character development into the story just didn't manifest due to time and scheduling issues. Thanks for the feedback though, I'll keep that in mind when I continue the story, as I want to do.