Oh I enjoyed brother and I can't wait for more!

9822171
Good, because next time things are going to get hot and steamy!!!

9822206
Can't wait.

9822239
Me neither!!!

...excellent.

9822337
Indeed.

9822369
... for some reason, the one I want to see get an enormous belly full of milk is Stormy.

9822680
Cause he’s the biggest out of the four?

9823075
Partly.
Mostly because I can see Milky pulling a mothering act with his shyness.

9823897
Yeah, I can totally see Milky doing that with him, especially since Stormy has the word Silent in his name!!!

9823902
Exactly!

9823906
As for the mothering act...well, you’ll be in for a surprise.

9823909
How delightful.

9824033
Indeed.

Golden replied calmly, giving his tail skirt a few sways.

What does that look like? All I can think of is just like a tutu on the tail.

pleasurable things that he’d be able to do with a mare

Hearing these words, Daydreamer and Cammy stopped, nearly getting pumped into by Silent Storm in the process, and looked across either side of him.

Wait how does stopping gets them to pump into Silent Storm and yet be able to look past him?

——)”Um, maybe because it’s the fact that it is a strip club?” Daydreamer asked,

he felt his body heat up from Cammy’s nuzzling.

“Um, Cammy, I think you may want to hold off on giving Daydreamer your momma milk for right now.”

“Now, shall we go around and see what mare catches our attention?”

There, on the biggest dance floor in the pair,

she had a roseray that was connected to a chain which was attacked to a collar around the mare’s neck,

What’s a rose ray?

but I am already (——starting to get wet by the mere sight of her.”

She could feel her breast starting to drip her black bikini, but she was too entranced by the other mare to really notice. “Those breasts…I don’t know anypony that has breasts that big…except for me of course.”

Golden replied, a small, yet excited smile making its way to his face.

who now looked like she was done with her dance.

As the Milky collected her earnings, the three stallions and one mare decided on how they should greet her.

off so that her boobs would fly out in the open.”

they’d be upset if you did the exact opposite!”

Once she was sure she was back calm again,

It’s gonna be a real long time before mares stop wanting me, let alone all of us, right Silent Storm?”

No words came out of Milky’s mouth, the blush on her face was so dark that it resembled a cherry as she stared at the quartet with a half-lidded gaze. Her body then began to shake, and a whimper escaped her as her lip began to quiver. With steam exploding out of her ears, she turned tail, and grabbed all her bags of bits, before running off and all but diving behind the stage curtains. The three brothers and one mare all burst out laughing as they leaned into one another, no longer able to contain their mirth.

9901614

Golden replied calmly, giving his tail skirt a few sways.

What does that look like? All I can think of is just like a tutu on the tail.

Golden doesn't have a tutu, the dreads on tail skirt is braided in a thick fashion like that of a fish tail. He keeps it just off the ground due to how long it is, but it sometimes gives rocks and sways.

It feels like there's way too much dialogue for what's actually happening, and a lot of it is repetitive exposition about the same things over and over. It's breaking the show-don't-tell rule a lot too, with everyone just announcing stuff like "I'm the leader of some random group, I'm so awesome!" Nothing is shown as to why any of that even matters, and it comes off as stilted and dull monologuing. Like this:

“R…r-r-really?!” Milky gasped. “Y-y-you want me, Milky Way Kindheart Rosario, the infamous Milkmare of Trottingham, to fuck the Chaos Master of the Forbidden Jungle and the Saber-Tooth Guild?”

You've already introduced Milky with her full name and 'infamous title', and she's needlessly repeating a bunch of stuff that's already been said earlier, plus everyone apparently knew who everyone else was by reputation already. That quote could be written as, "You want ME to fuck HIM?" and it would have conveyed the exact same meaning with twenty fewer words.

10127157
I'll try to narrow that down. Thank you for your feedback.