This is the story of a mare trapped by her own convictions with no escape in sight.
Written for GaPJaxie's Quills and Sofa's speed fic contest, 8/21/2019. Written and edited in one hour.
Prompt 2: "Technically not terrible"
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 23rd Aug, 2015
- offline last seen 8 hours ago
KorenCZ11
Average brony obsessing over the main cast with an unhealthy desire to see them in a dark fantasy setting.
KorenCZ11
Joined 23rd Aug, 2015 ·
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But... Twilight doesn't speak like a princess. I mean, unless the story's premise is her learning now to do it... ...I haven't actually read the story yet.
I think you wrote this reasonably well, but there are a couple things. I think I was in the dark about what Twilight was doing for a little too long. Having the reader figure out what is happening through clues and context can be a good device to make things interesting, but it felt like disconnected commentary for a little too long until I knew that Twilight was listening to music on headphones that Pinkie gave her.
Also, the dialogue is a little rough in spots, with somewhat heavy use of ellipses (...). It's great that you tried to write natural, conversational dialogue, and it works pretty well, but I think it needs a little polishing. For instance,
seems to have some somewhat awkward starts and pauses, particularly with "An um...". One thing I find helpful is not to be afraid to use commas in dialogue. It feels less heavy than ellipses. Another thing is to think about how a person would actually hem and haw. For example, "A, um... texture" is more natural than "An, um... texture" because people don't usually change the article for the vowel sound in "um", which is a filler word.
Still, the ending was pretty cute and fit well :)
An upvote for effort.
9805938
To be entirely fair, outside of the hour I had to write this, exactly one line was added after the fact. It's mostly unchanged since then.
That said, I see your point with the 'An um' thing, but that just doesn't sound right in my head. Though, I'm not sure about the starts and pauses thing because it is supposed to be awkward as Twilight is trying her hardest to avoid saying anything with any meaning here.
Thanks
9806722
Oh whoops I missed the "one hour" note haha. You did quite well then I'd say
I know it is meant to be awkward, and when I say starts and pauses I don't mean the dialogue itself, but the way it is written if that makes sense? It's pretty good though. Goodness knows dialogue is a pain to write.
My only complaint is that "talk-no-jutsu" is a big immersion breaker. Though, admittedly, given Fluttershy's taste in literature, Twilight being exposed to pony Naruto isn't outside the realm of possibility.
9929630
There are so many references to pop culture in this that I'm surprised that was the only one that got you. Though, I suppose it's a bit more obvious than the others. I have a habit of turning Shy's weeb level to 11 in my stories, but because I myself am a massive weeb, it just infects everything I write. Glad you liked it though.