The Everycraftery

by Liquid Truth

Prologue - Claidheamh Soluis

When someone is told to describe a scientific laboratory, they'd describe a room of either white or copper brown, depending on the genre. Electronics, chemistry glasses, weird gizmos, and thingamajigs strewed about in ways scientist would call efficient while others call dangerous. Scientists in white lab coats (or gray, if they knew better) milling about with clipboards, taking notes of everything while occasionally fixing their glasses.

When somepony is told to describe a magical laboratory, they'd describe a library with a large space in the middle. If it comes with a second floor, it would be occupied with a giant telescope in the middle and astronomical charts covering the walls. A lone wizard or mage would be seen in the middle of the room, either sprawled on the floor and covered in soot or staring intently at a heavy tome and surrounded by runes and symbols etched on the floor.

Now put the two together and you'll get a room of white, with magical and scientific tomes stacked nicely in the bookshelves lining the walls. A lone table with an open laptop was in the middle of the room, accompanied by a metal rod that looked like a sword hilt from science fiction, save for the medieval-style crossguard and glowing crystal at its tip. Behind the desk, two figures were sipping on red wine, celebrating their successful (albeit accidental) collaboration.

Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship and Element of Magic, burped. "Excuse me."

Albert Einstein, a renowned physicist and one of the two Pillars of Modern Science, guffawed. "Quite alright, Twilight. How's the wine?"

She took another sip and smacked her lips. "It's surprisingly good," she answered. "I wonder why Newton would call this a 'cheap drink'."

"Because it is," he answered. "He's just biased on the label. Thinks good drinks only come in four digits of price. Bah!"

"Yeah, Rarity's kinda like him, too," she remarked. "Do you think they'll like each other?"

Einstein wondered for a few seconds, then, "Yes."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Oh? How come?"

He raised one finger before stopping. ". . . I forgot what I just agreed to."

"We were talking about Rarity. You know, the fabulous?" she said, bringing the glass back to her lips before noticing it was empty.

Einstein noticed this and picked up the bottle. "Another?" At her nod, he tipped the bottle all the way through, only to found that he was drinking from the bottle all along. ". . . Huh."

Twilight stared. "Huh, indeed."

"Indeed."

". . ."

". . ."

"Claidheamh Mòr," Twilight said suddenly, lifting up the sword hilt in her hoof.

Einstein took a moment to process her actions, then said, "What?"

With a flick of her hoof, Twilight flipped a switch on the hilt, prompting it to light up, producing a thin and wide blade of pure light. "Lightsaber is copyrighted. I'm naming this thing after that one sword Newton has, the 'Claymore', I think? Yeah, that's the one."

Einstein sighed. "Sorry, Twilight. You can't."

"What?" she asked. "Why? It's not copyrighted anywhere!"

"Well, no," he began. "But, you see, you said it yourself: It's after Newton's sword. You can't name it after Newton's sword, it'll be confusing."

"But it's named Claymore!"

"It's her English name," he replied. "Her real name is Claidheamh Mòr, but no one not Scottish or Welsh can pronounce it. So we call her Claymore." He chuckled. "You should see Newton and Claymore together. They're sweet."

Befuddled, Twilight asked, "He dated a sword?"

Einstein nearly fell from his chair. "What? No, of course not! He adopted her when he found her alone in some Scottish graveyard." At this, he began to think. "Though, to be fair, she called her 'Dad' right after he cut a head off with her. It's only appropriate—"

"He beheaded someone with—"

"A statue."

"Oh." She said. "Well, that's sweet."

"Aren't they?"

". . . So, what should I name this?" she asked, waving the sword around.

"Magic laser sword," Einstein answered, chuckling in amusement.

Twilight furrowed her brow. After a moment, said brows shot up. "That's it!"

Einstein guffawed. "Magic laser sword?"

"No," she said. "Sword of Light!"

Calming himself, Einstein answered, "Nah, too boring. We need a cooler name."

"Agreed," Twilight said and, after a while, added, "and fast. My liver's already sobering me up."

Einstein shot up, knocking over his chair. "Oh, no! What do we do, what do we do?" Looking up, Einstein snapped his fingers and said, "Hey, Google!"

A beep came from the ceiling. "Yes, Albert?"

"Translate 'Sword of Light' from English to . . ."

"To Scottish!"

Beep. "Claidheamh Soluis."

Hearing the name, both cheered up and went into a gibberish dance of gibber and Irish.

---

"Newton!"

Hearing the banging in his door and the clear shouting of one of his colleagues, Newton grumbled and reluctantly opened the door. "What is it? I've said I'm busy—"

Twilight wasted no time. She lit up her sword and pointed it at Newton. "I challenge thee to a duel!"

Newton stared. ". . . What?"

". . . En Garde!"

"No, I understand what you meant. It's just that . . . is that a lightsaber?"

"Why, yes, it is!" She smiled goofily. "For copyright reasons, I call it the Claidheamh Soluis."

Newton sniffed. "Are you drunk?"

"Well, you see," she started, "I was, but then my liver stopped that, so then I make myself am again!"

Newton stared.

Twilight grumbled. "Oh, come on! Fight me already!"

"My sword isn't laser proof," Newton said. "I can't battle you with her."

"B-but—"

"Sorry, Twilight. Claddy was never built to fight, anyway. She's meant to be a wall ornament."

With drunken rage, Twilight huffed and screamed, "Then I'll make her laser proof! Nothing's going to stop me from doing nothing!" Then she reached out with her telekinesis, violently dragging Claymore from her unfinished dinner.

"Hey!" shouted Newton. "Give me back my daughter!"

Twilight teleported away.

---

Newton was running along the corridors of the Friendship Castle when Twilight teleported with Claymore in front of him, blushing.

"O-ok, so, Uhm, I'm sorry—"

Newton immediately took Claymore from her grasp and clutched her hilt tightly. "You'd better be."

Twilight continued, "I was drunk, okay? But hey, at least she's now laser proof."

Newton's glare only hardened. "What did you do?"

Twilight grinned an unconvincing smile. "N-nothing!"

Newton pointed Claymore at her.

"W-well, aside from making her indestructible, nothing! We did nothing!"

". . . We?"

Einstein teleported next to Twilight. "Indeed! Your daughter is now immortal. Congratulations."

Newton frowned. "Since when did you learn to teleport?"

"Yesterday."

Newton's frown deepened.

Twilight began sweating.

Newton beamed. "That's . . . amazing!" He put Claymore down to stand on his side and shook their appendages. "Thank you so much! You have our eternal gratitude. Don't we, Claddy?"

Claymore 'nodded'.

"So," Newton said, "you two managed to combine magic with science?"

"Why, yes!" Einstein said. "That sword is our first project! We just found out after our second project—that is, making your daughter immortal—a new equation in the field!"

'Really?" Newton asked. "Do tell me!"

"Magic + Science = Possible"

". . ."

"We're not joking!" Twilight said. "It really is the equation we came out with!"

"And what does that translate to?" Newton asked.

"With magic and science, nothing is impossible," Einstein answered. "Literally."

"So I could—"

"Yes."

"But I haven't—"

"You can, indeed, put conditioner before shampoo," Twilight answered.

"How did you—"

Twilight pointed at Claymore. "She told us you've been wondering about that all day and was starting to think about experimenting on it. We knew it would be impossible with science. Or magic, for this matter."

"But," Einstein followed, "it's not if you use magic and science! And we've just proved it!" Einstein proceeded to prove himself by showing Newton his hair, recently conditioned but not shampooed.

Newton applauded. "What an amazing feat you've done!" He cheered. "You could make a business out of this!"

Newton did not know what he just started with that sentence.

Comments

[Venerable Ro]

The wut is strong with this chapter.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Magic + Science > P(0)

Works for me. I can only imagine what Sparklestein Innovations will produce.

[Dashie04]

This is a really good story that exists.

[Ri2]

Why does Newton have a daughter sword?