Balefire, the offspring of a Earth pony stallion and a Zebra mare, ends up befriending the monster under his bed.
The newly named monster Zip decides that she's observed this colt suffering for to long, proceeds to take matters into her own claws. She doesn't like his so called 'Pa' either abandoning the foal for long periods of time or when he is around verbally and emotionally abusing him. So one night she's had enough and makes off with him.
Who knows what this friendship will bring?
First story of hopefully many into a new universe i'm working on.
Chapters (2)
Love it, can't wait for the next chapter :D
The cover art reminds me of one of Fennah's monsters.
I look forward to seeing more!
FIRST
I like the prospect of the story so far, please continue.
I do recommend finding an editor. There are a few mistakes I noticed. Do keep writing, though. This is pretty good!
wow, this is really good so far. I rather like it
this is good i hope more people see this
I'm definitely keeping track of this story, looking forward to the next chapter
sounds intresting, let´s se what the enxt chapter brings
I shall abuse this colt myself after the monster eats Pa.
It's my duty to torment small, helpless things!
9639282
then zip will eat you, and you will die horribly.
I like where this is going but I have to admit, I'm having a lot of trouble with the pronouns. Me/he seems to switch arbitrarily which makes the story a bit hard to follow.
9639842 It will die trying.
9639967
you really just love taking the good things out of nice stories like this don't you?
9640142 I don't find it at all compelling. Monster decides for no reason to save pathetic kid from generic bad parent. Been there, done that... 10,000 times... LITERALLY 10,000 fanfics.
Then, there are the countless times the tenses change from first-person, to third-person; awkwardly shifting from one character back to the other. I am hopefully assuming this is due to the writer's native language not being English. Because otherwise... it's just a mess.
Also, we get no introduction to ANYTHING. The monster and kid are just there, and the kid has NO PROBLEMS accepting what would scare the manure out of any normal child. There's nothing to demonstrate the supposed abuse the kid has suffered, and then the monster just straight out abducts the kid.
In a short horror shocker, this chapter would end with authorities finding the shredded remains of the kid out in the forest as a morality tale against trusting unknown monsters who promise to be your friend (child predators).
It's practically set up to be a horror vignette, what with the complete lack of characterization, narrative exposition, and rush to get the kid into the clutches of the beast.
9640533
and you didn't bring these up to the author to try and help them and this story grow why? oh right, you decided it was a better use of time to write a troll post than give constructive criticism
very interesting feel like zip is some form of dream creature that got stuck in the real world
So, the opposite of a vampire. Also, does this mean a flash of lightning would cause a bit of irritation?