Noble Harmony

Sweetie Bell's magic doesn't work right, so it's up to Twilight Sparkle to take on her own 'Faithful Student' But is there more at work here than a Unicorn filly's magic?

When things go wrong, a devious plot begins, and our heros may never be the same again!

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 11 )

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xzillerationer

xzillerationer #1 · Aug 10th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

interesting concept, pretty good.
Just a few problems, while most of the characters are in character just fine, their speech is off. You didn't do Applebloom's accent right, it's not as thick as Applejack's. Also, you overused the pronoun "she", especially in the first part.
Instead of
Sweetie Bell woke up excited. Her class trip to Canterlot was this morning. She could hardly wait to see the city and castle and maybe even Princess Celestia!

She raced through her morning routine, humming a playful tune she had stuck in her head today. Coming downstairs, she spotted her father yawning as he perused his morning paper.

Try
Sweetie Bell woke up excited. Her class trip to Canterlot was this morning, and so she could hardly wait to see the city and castle and maybe even Princess Celestia!

The young mare raced through her morning routine, humming a playful tune she had stuck in her head today. Coming downstairs, Sweetie Bell spotted her father yawning as he perused his morning paper.

Though it only changes one or two, it makes it feel like it's used less. Don't be afraid to replace boring pronouns with descriptions(e.g. "she" with "the white fllly" etc), just be careful not to over do it.
Aside from a few grammar issues, I'd say that it's good enough to warrant a thumb and a sub. And I don't normally read stories like this.

you totally didn't draw me in with your d'aww worthy picture, no sir

Tagan

Tagan #2 · Aug 10th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

A nice first comment on my first story. Thanks!

I agree with you, Applebloom's speech is a bit too rustic. I'll have to work on that.

I will say I have the entire story planned out. I hope it works out as good here as it does in my head!

We'll see!

Nevermore

Nevermore #3 · Aug 10th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Though I usually steer clear of human tagged fics, this is interesting. I like it. A few errors, like spelling and such. Nothin major. Can't wait for the story to pick up! Awesome pic too!