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One Nightmare Night, eight foals walk into a haunted house waiting to see if anything scary will happen. While waiting, they decide to play a game of truth or dare to pass the time. Unfortunately, the game proves to have real consequences and they must tell the truth and do the dares or suffer. Will they beat the game or will the game beat them?
Rated R for strong violence and some disturbing content.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Fuck. Button Mash is in this story. The lack of his tag made me hope he won't be there.
I wanted to, but I was only allowed to tag up to five characters.
Ani't spike already a dragon?
Why isn't there a dark tag?
9600969
Just fixed that. I meant that he would be turned into a pony.
9600976
Thanks for the correction.
The premise is interesting, but your writing skill still need a lot of work. Starting with the basics problem for now, and can easily be fixed enough, you tend to forget how to describe what the characters look like when they first appear what is the relationship between then and what are their personalties. The dialogue, while not the best but still serviceable, is which what really hurt your story, as they sound like they are reading a script with no tone in how they say it. You could fix most of it with emotional adjectives or hyperbolic even to set a tone to their words, like "She said frustratingly", "She hissed out" "Jumped out of surprise" and so forth. Along those same line, you not to give off a clear feeling of the places they are at or at least the vibe that it is supposed to give off, "Cricking and cracking stares", 'rickety floor board', "dark spooky hallways", "chilling winds" and so forth.
I hope it helps a little.
9602356
Thanks, I'll correct the story soon.
Now to find the truth
Bad Ending?
9624790
Not quite. It's more just a bittersweet ending. Gold Watch beat the game, but none of his other friends did and the haunted house still stands. However, everypony still supports him and he'll always have somepony on his side. Not to mention, Miss Cheerilee did take him out for ice cream after putting a warning sign to discourage anypony from getting themselves hurt.
Before I read this, I must know: Why don't the adults destroy the haunted house if it's that dangerous?
9686845
No one knew that it was enchanted and no one believed in what Cheerilee said when she was a filly. It took bringing her as an adult to the haunted house to save Gold Watch’s life after he finished the game to show evidence, since he got burned in there. As a result, the adults tried to have it destroyed, but they couldn’t because they didn’t have the legal rights to do so.
He described the cat thing like three times in one chapter.
As for some of the dares well for the hammer part , it didn’t say to kill her. Could have just lightly tapped her on the head. Or for the kissing diamond well she could’ve just kissed her Hoof. Still counts
9816859
Silver Spoon was just being stubborn. As for Button Mash, he had to actually strike his mother in the head with the hammer. Tapping wouldn’t count.
9816974
Also in the way Charlie was expositing exposition it’s sort of made her look like she was the one that was in charge of the haunted house and it’s magic. Like how the hell does he know so much
9817031
Cheerilee wasn’t in charge of the haunted house. She was one of the contestants from the previous game, so she had time to learn about the game’s boundaries and what curse it brought upon to those that failed to play the game.
9816974
Oh OK, I really don’t know why they don’t just blow the house to smithereens but
9817235
I do plan on making a sequel in order to reveal more information about the haunted house when another set of players end up playing the game.
Why Kittens?
Would it not be more fun if every transformation punishment is different?
9891004
What type of punishments did you have in mind?
9891221
I thought of somethingmore conneted to theire fears
In Rumbles case, since he wants to become a Wonderbolt, maybe it would be a good idea to transform him into an earth pony or unicorn.
For the others i must think more clearly, because they aren´t as easy as him
9891252
I understand your point. I plan on making a sequel that will explain why the game turned them all into the same species as punishment for failing to play the game.
9891287
Thanks i really appreciate that
9891299
You’re welcome.
9596325
why do you hate button
truth be told.im kind of relieved that none of the CMC are here.it opens us to new ships and im kind of tired of reading about the same 3 fillies over and over .so far nice and im seeing a lot of shipping potential in this tory
I'm going to have some fun ships tonight
9892634
Because of SweetieMash. Plus, he's very annoying.
there's male ballerinas and they don't have to wear pink. they wear a tight t-shirt and tight black pants