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Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle let curiosity get the best of them and they enter an abandoned house. What they discover is more than what they had bargained for.
Entered in RockstarRaccoon's Nightmare Night in April Writing Contest: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/214288/the-cult-of-raccoon/thread/398722/nightmare-night-in-april-horror-write-off
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This is good so far. I'll be following.
9565000
Thanks, I'll try to keep it up.
9565006
Very good.
9565009
I'm open to suggestions as well
Not bad. Much better than my first story. There's tiny things that could be fixed with sentence structure.
e.g.
Could also be written;
"She forgot that she couldn't fly yet, and so flapped her little wings helplessly, but they didn't break the fall at all."
Tiny little things like that, but honestly that's just the grammar nazi in me being nitpicky. You did say you wanted to know what we thought, and to be real.
In all honesty though, I like the premise, and everyone starts somewhere, plus you managed to capture the feel of the CMC's from the earlier seasons, and I especially like the fact that Apple Bloom has enough sense to not want to go near the obviously haunted house
Good job, and I'll be keeping an eye on you.
9565046
Thanks for the feedback! I'll fix that real quick. I love the profile picture as well. Scarface was a dope movie.
9565049
Thank you, but yours is better.
9565085
Oh, I appreciate that. Means a lot.
9565088
Not a problem my good sir.
9565018
I see.
9565153
Just about to release the second chapter. I'm proofreading it before I release it though.
9565176
I'll read it.
9565186
Released it.
9565191
Read it. Good stuff!
9565621
Thank you.
9565828
No probs.
It has taken me half a year to comment and two months get this account working but Jesus you weren't kidding in the author's note...
Now looking at the list of "Can we rescue what's left of the CMC?"
- The only plausible rescue coming is if Rarity and Applejack alerted the mane 6 six that their sisters are missing and it's very late plus they are not being supervised by an adult could result in them searching for them. However if Scootaloo or another member of the CMC did not put ghost hunters in the list of crusading then the mane 6 will stand little chance of finding the CMC unless Discord uses his GPS tracking on Fluttershy spell but uses it for the CMC instead but if he's not there...then well their doomed.
-Maybe if Sweetie Belle or Applebloom faint and go unconscious then Princess Luna could pull a Rescue and save the day or join the trap...
-Maybe a relative of the ghost visited it's house at night and hears the screams and could stop the ghost.
-Maybe there's a conveniently nearby priest to save the day or night.
-Maybe an organisation called "Ghost Busters" has set up in ponyville.
-Maybe a cack team of armoured ponys crashes into the house with UH-60 Blackhawk Helicopters and M1A2 Abrams tanks.
-Maybe a Russian Carrier Strike force destroys the door without killing anypony using a Su-33.
-Maybe...okay I'll stop that's just my ideas of rescuing some truamtised fillys..
9567467
These ideas are brilliant. If I use any of them, I will definitely give you credit.
9568397
Well those are only the what if they are rescued ideas not the red liquid suspiciously flowing on the walls and floors ideas..
9568426
True. I don't think I'll have all 3 of them die. We'll see.
9568442
Well let there be hope for those poor soul's.
9568445
I think you'll like the ending.
"Well thanks for the the credit really appreci-" *Luna cuts me off*
Well the end results in this story is.
-The Ghost has passed on to hell not tartis- or whatever you call it.
-Scootaloo has either forgotten or is scared for life seeing her other half.
-The rest of the CMC have smelled and seen death but Luna is on hand to fix the PTSD.
-Luna had to use a forbidden spell to save this story from a becoming truly dark.
-No pony else seem to notice what happened that night.
-The CMC failed in getting a cutie mark :(
Final outcome Win/Win for everypony (according to Princess Luna)
9570281
Yeah, boyos.
Well... wow. That was dark. But also great fun to read!
9629229
Thank you. Glad you liked it.
9630889
Looks like I'm not the only one who has killed and resurrected Scootaloo.
9630964
I was torn between leaving her dead and bringing her back. I went with the latter.
9631810
Some would call it a Deus Ex. I say it was a wise move.
9632220
I hope so.
9644168
Yep.
Read the entire thing in a go and d
mn, I was impressed. Really nice atmosphere building, and I'm glad for the happy ending.
Only thing I could dog on was like really minor, but still, this is a spoiler: Scootaloo just f
cking dies and no one blinks a f
cking eye. I was like, wow, heartless sonsab
tches.
Really good story, seriously. My favourite line just has to be this one:
The sudden, blunt drop of this line caught me so off guard at the beginning I almost sh
t myself laughing.
Moved a little too fast for me. Whereas some stories have too much build up, this one didn't build up tension at all. The change of heart was also out of nowhere, but alright.
The overall idea was pretty good, though, and Scootaloo would be the one to drag them into this situation. I feel a certain pony would have been more wrathful upon her arrival but other than that the other characters were on accurate.
10820998
Big love, homie, I'll do better in the future. I forgot this website existed for a right good while.
10943913
I kind of rushed it. It was for a contest thing that had a deadline and then the contest never even occurred so I rushed it for nothing! Angry at myself, but this is like a prototype, future stories will be better.
It was a nice story, even if it was a bit rushed and let some things unexplained.
I think it would've been better if there was also a bad ending and an epilogue, just to ads the story a new perspective
Says the ghost that just locked them inside.
We had a hen named hennifer we were fattening up to eat once, the other chickens ate her instead. They are very much vicious little shits.