• Published 24th Mar 2019
  • 4,250 Views, 68 Comments

So, You're a Vegan Now, Applejack? - Inky Scrolls



Applejack suddenly realises just how weird it is for a pony to milk cows.

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Ah Ain't Never Gonna Unhear That

It was a hot day - too hot. Even Celestia was starting to think it was perhaps just a little too warm, and she really likes the sun. For Big Mac, it was torture.

And he'd been out in the heat all day, making medium-distance deliveries to neighbouring settlements; settlements with names almost as imaginative as Ponyville, such as Colton, Manechester, and Horsetown.

So it was with a huge sense of relief that he arrived, finally, back at the Apple farm, late that Summer evening. Leaving the wagon in the barn, he trotted wearily round to the door of the farmhouse and stepped inside, relishing the cool of the flagstones beneath his hooves.

Then he splashed some cold water over his face, before popping into the larder and coming back with a large jug. Pouring himself a swift pint - of milk, not beer - he returned the jug to its place on the shelf, covered it with a teatowel to keep the flies away, and wandered comfortably through to the lounge.

Sighing pleasurably, he sank into an enormous armchair. He was just about to take a sip of the glass of milk he'd been carrying, when the door across the room, which led to the stairs and the rest of the house, creaked slowly open.

It was Applejack - but rather than coming through the doorway like a nice, normal pony, she simply stood within the doorframe, watching Big Mac with a vacant, unblinking stare.

"You 'kay, sis?" the stallion asked. "You look tired. . . d'you want some milk?"

At the word 'milk', Applejack leapt into action, lunging across the living room with such speed that a casual observer could almost be convinced she flew. "Nya!" she shrieked, landing in front of Big Mac with all the grace of an untrained, overtired ninja, and knocked the glass from his hoof, sending it, shattering, onto the floor. The milk seemed to go everywhere, leaving Big Mac, the armchair, the hearth and the rug liberally soaked.

"Now what was that for?" cried Big Mac, wiping milk from his eyes.

"Don't you let that - that - that thing near me!" his sister hissed, before falling back onto the sofa in a quivering heap.

After his initial shock, Big Mac was able to realise that, no matter how irrational her actions may have seemed, there would surely be a reason for them. And, seeing that she was now slowly rocking herself back and forth, eyes darting from side to side as though searching for a hidden enemy, he thought he'd better try and work out what it was. "What's wrong, AJ? What you got against milk?"

Again, her eyes widened in horror. "Don't you say that word!"

"What word - 'against'?"

"NO!" she shouted. "Don't you ever mention that word to me - that - the - the 'M' word!"

Puzzled, Big Mac thought for a moment. "Milk?" he inquired at last.

He knew he was right - because this time, Applejack leapt into the air like a startled cat on a hot, hot Saturday, and flung herself down to hide behind the sofa, landing with an uncomfortable-sounding thud.

Big Mac frowned. This sort of behaviour was not like his sister at all - or, rather, it was not like this sister at all. The other sister - what was her name again? - oh yeah, Applebloom - she could be a law unto herself, and did this sort of thing all the time.

He decided it was time to find out what was wrong. "Can you tell me why, AJ? Ah won't say the 'M' word again, Ah promise."

Peaking cautiously out from where she was hiding, Applejack swallowed, nervously, before clambering over the back of the sofa and sitting down, knees held up to protect her chest. "Ah s'ppose Ah could tell you," she announced.

"You see," she continued, "Ah was outside this morning, after you'd left to do the deliveries, and Ah thought Ah'd better - thought Ah'd better - better see to the cows."

Big Mac nodded - despite her refusal to use the word 'milk', he understood her perfectly. "Ah see. . . go on," he encouraged.

"Well, Ah was just - just seeing to the last cow, when it suddenly struck me."

She paused, eyes widening again, and Big Mac prodded her gently with his hoof, murmuring, "What struck you, sis?"

She snapped back to the present at his touch, and carried on. "Ah thought - Ah wonder what the cows think about all of this - y'know, the - the. . ."

She trailed off again, and seemed to be struggling with some internal battle. At last she gulped, and whispered, "Ah wondered what the cows thought about the milkin'."

She shuddered, rolling her shoulders subconsciously as though trying to rid them of some cloying evil which only she could sense. After a minute or two she was able to keep going. "Cos, y'see," she explained, "Ah've never really thought about that before. It all seems a bit - a bit private, if y'see what Ah'm saying. Y'know, it's like Ah'm fondling their - their - their boobs," she whispered, as though afraid Granny Smith, upstairs taking a nap, might overhear the borderline profanity and come and give her a whack with the ladle. "And Ah was like, why not just ask them?"

She fell silent again for a moment, and Big Mac waited patiently. Eventually, she carried on, saying, "So Ah said: 'Gloria,' - cos that was the cow's name, see, and Ah always call them by their names - 'Gloria, can Ah ask you somethin'?' And she said yes, so Ah did. Ah said, 'Y'know how Ah milk y'all, mornin' an' night'?' And she said yes. 'Well,' ah said, 'Are y'all sure y'all don't mind? Cos it seems a mighty private thing, touching a cow's boob like that'."

Applejack gulped, her breathing becoming shallower; Big Mac murmured gently, "It's alright, sis. You're safe. . ."

She nodded reluctantly, and continued. "Well, after Ah'd asked that, there was a pause, before she said something Ah won't never, ever unhear. She says to me, 'Oh, Applejack - you have such smooth hooves, and you're so gentle when you stroke us like that. . . how could we ever mind?' And then I realised it."

"Realised what?" encouraged Big Mac, leaning forward in his milk-stained armchair expectantly.

"Ah realised," cried Applejack, "That they enjoyed it! It felt like Ah was fondlin' their boobs cos that just what Ah was doin' - And they were getting off from it!"

Big Mac raised an interested eyebrow, and was about to say something, but Applejack hurried on; "So all these years Ah've been milking cows - Ah've been giving 'em orgasms! Orgasms, Big Mac! Like Ah'm some dirty, messed-up whore!"

"Ah see," murmured Big Mac. "And that bothers you?"

Almost speechless with incredulity at how calm her brother seemed to be, the disturbed Applejack cried, "Oh course it does! Ah can't go around giving creatures orgasms, not just like that! 'Tain't natural," she concluded, primly.

"So. . . that's put you off milk, then?" Big Mac inquired.

She nodded vigorously. "You bet it has, Big Mac. Ah ain't never touchin' a drop o' that - that - that liquid porn ever again! So don't you try and make me!"

Big Mac 'hushed', calmingly. "It's okay, sis," he soothed, "Ah won't make you. . ." After a moment's thought - though not enough thought, apparently - he added, "You want to go out for an ice-cream to help relax?"

Applejack shook her head rapidly, pupils mere pinpricks - before vomiting violently all over the floor.

Big Mac waited til she was done, and nodded. "Ah'll take that as a 'no', then."

Author's Note:

:applejackunsure:

Comments ( 68 )

Next chapter: Applejack Invents coconut icecream.

Have you ever heard of Kumis AJ? :trollestia:

Perfect cover art.

I have every right to say...

comedy damn gold.

I get the impression Big Mac will be more than happy to take up the slack for AJ.

She trailed off again, and seemed to be struggling with some internal battle. At last she gulped, and whispered, "Ah wondered what the cows thought about the milkin'."

She should milk this thought.

"So all these years Ah've been milking cows - Ah've been giving 'em orgasms! Orgasms, Big Mac! Like Ah'm some dirty, messed-up whore!"
"Ah see," murmured Big Mac. "And that bothers you?"

A stallion asking the right questions.

Congrats, Big Mac is now the udder fondler of the family.

And here I thought it was leading up to her having accidentally milked a bull.

That afternoon, Gloria grazed near the fence separating the Apple farm from the neighboring property. She met one of the neighbor's cows there who hadn't been "serviced" yet and was in extreme discomfort. Gloria leaned over the fence and whispered into her ear, "Be at the Apple barn, sunset. Ask for Applejack. She has the most supple hooves, and her technique..."
***
Has Equestria discovered nut milk? Technically, it's not a milk, but it's close enough to eat on your cereal.

9525737
"Ah cannot say Ah have, you just let me go found out what it is." Applejack whipped out her smartphone and started tapping. Ah wonder what this 'Kumis' stuff is - maybe dairy-free icecream? Before long, she found the entry for 'Kumis' on Wikiponia. "Here it is - what the HAY!?"

Then she vomited again, partly in embarrassment at the thought of humans touching a pony's. . . boobs, and partly in disgust. Which was a shame, because her phone case was still quite new.

9525749
"Why, thank y'all, FicFacFlac! Inky and Ah reckoned it'd be a swell piece to write."

:ajsmug:

9525780
Well - let's just say the idea has its merits, especially for a stallion of - hmm - that size. . .

9525968
Haha!

I personally can't stand cow's milk, so almond and soya and quite good alternatives. Rice milk, too, if you get a good one.

This must be why Twilight has a problem with quesadilla

9525989
It's not bad, as long as you buy from the source.
They make cheese and cream and what they sell you barely qualifies as milk anymore. Still the only thing that can make instant coffee drinkable.

9526022
What? I LOVE instant! But then, I am English, so everything that's not tea tastes pretty much the same.

:facehoof:

Ah can't go around giving creatures orgasms

Well, cows give milk and so you give 'em orgasms. Don't seem so bad, AJ. Think 'bout them chickens ya'll have. Yer stealin' their babies when you take their egg, aintcha?

Now tell me about the pigs, AJ. Whatcha doin' ta them?

9526062
"Y'know, sugarcube, Ah've never thought about that. What are the pigs for? 'S not like Ah'm gonna eat 'em! That's jus' weird. . ."

:applejackunsure:

Thank you so much for writing this. Me and my friend where just talking about how weird it is that ponies get milk from cows ANOTHER SENTIENT RACE IN THEIR WORLD!? And wracking our brains try and make some sense out of it.... and thanks to you I now have a new 'interesting' point of view to add to the discussion next time I see him. :trollestia:

9526188
Not at all, 'tis but the merest pleasure! (Not the nearest butt pleasure, which is something very different.

:trollestia:

Actually, cows don’t derive sexual pleasure from being milked. If anything, it’s more like peeing after a long car trip. Sure, it feels good, but it’s more a feeling of relief than actual pleasure. Considering that modern cows have been selectively bred to produce way more milk than their bodies can handle, it makes sense.

9526327
Ah, very true. Just in case you missed it, ponies aren't usually self-aware, either. They tend to just - y'know - be animals.

For the record, most trains don't look like this either:

secure.i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/03300/thomas-1_3300146b.jpg

9526327
True enough, but this is Equestria. Different rules and all.

Hah! That was great xD I almost expected her to say "Yes" to that, but I also realized she was a smarter pony than that.

*poker face*
Well, then.
*slides away, NOPE-ing into the sunset*

:raritystarry: ice cream?
:moustache: orgasm?
:duck::moustache: tell us more!
:facehoof: I knew it!
:ajbemused: porn! liquid porn!
:twilightoops: But what about my corn flakes!
:rainbowderp: My Wheaties!
:pinkiegasp: Wheaties ? Didn't you hear about Bruce?
:facehoof: I can never look at a box the same way. . . ever.

9525696 I'm sure Coco Nuts will love her.

Yeah...the act of milking anything gets weird when you start thinking too hard about it. :rainbowlaugh:

I thought she accidentally milked a bull. Lol.

A person who does not eat meat, but still eats eggs, milk and cheese, are considered vegetarian, but there are other variants, the ones the does not eat meat, and also don't eat milk, eggs and chesse, or any product that derives from animals, are called extrict vegetarians, a vegan, is someone who follows the philosofies and ethics of veganism, is a way of life and a way of thinking, which the diet is just one small facet, so here Applejack can't be considered vegan, still good story though XD.

9527362
I know, I know (- I'm a vegan myself!). But still, I thought So, You're a Lactosephobe now, Applejack? didn't have quite the same ring.

Brilliant, loved it :) Ending was mint!

9526346
Actually, except for the face, that's pretty much exactly what an 0-6-0 Tank Engine looks like...

Wanderer D
Moderator

Real Earth Ponies =/= MLP Ponies, but they're still omnivores with a higher herbivore tendency. :applejackunsure: This would only work if AJ had "our" world's sensitivities and taboos which... there's no reason for her to have.

9526062
Aw crap I just started a fanfic on it XD

Funny fic, though to divert things. In a "serious" setting the relationship between ponies and cows would be great fodder for a "culture clash" between ponies and humans. To have advanced as far as they have ponies and cows would have long ago filed away the implications of one sapient species milk another as culturally normal have little to no no taboo about it.
One of my fave HIE fic moment a featured Ms Cake and the twins and things that for humans would be scandalous but mundane for ponies. In the scene Pound and Pumpkin toddle up to their mother in full view of a human, Pound says "Ma'ma, hungry!" And casually Ms Cake just bends down and her foals nurse. The human almost loses it until he notices no pony even looking, realizing the behavior to ponies is utterly mundane.

9528127
Interesting! Fortunately it's getting like that here in the UK now; most people are quite fine with it if a woman breastfeeds her baby in public (though whether she'll be comfortable in doing so is a different matter).

9528139
Well it's slightly different as when humans are old enough to walk and talk still breast feeding is weird. But horses are walking minutes after birth so it makes sense sapient equines would have an overlap form when nursing is normal and they start to talk.

Big Mac 'hushed', calmingly. "It's okay, sis," he soothed, "Ah won't make you. . ." After a moment's thought - though not enough thought, apparently - he added, "You want to go out for an ice-cream to help relax?"

I laughed so hard I coughed, and everyone in study hall was staring at me. Good work!

Comment posted by PrincessLaLa deleted Mar 25th, 2019

I liked this as soon as i saw the title lol 😂

You ever have that mother that goes around telling everyone she knows, that she's vegan?
I just eat meat and veggies. Poor Applejack she's traumatized now.

9528293
Haha! Hope you didn't sink through the floor. It's awful laughing at something no-one else can appreciate. . .

:rainbowlaugh:

9528334
My mother has been (largely!) vegan for pretty much the last fifteen years, but fortunately I was spared the 'By the way, did you know I'm vegan?' parenting! :trollestia:

Yes, very interesting... but what does Applejack think of Daisy Jo eating oatmeal cookies with milk?

I have a button in my car displayed for my passengers, that says I make vegans cry. I think this applies here. :pinkiehappy:

HAHAHAHAHA
good stuff.
have a like.

I love it when a simple thought turns into a funny story. :heart:

9526078

"Truffles"
"But we don't grow truffles"
"Remember cousin Scumble?"
"The one who kept trying "get rich quick" schemes?"
"He saw how much truffles go for and bought some pigs, not knowing that truffles take years to grow."
"Then why do we still have pigs?"
"Organic waste disposal and fertilizer production"
"Wait. Scumble stayed here years ago. Does that mean that we have truffles?"
"Not long enough ago. 'sides, dogs are better for truffle huntin', cuz they won't eat the truffles"

9529409
"Right, Ah see. 'S all so clear to me now! Thanks, sugarcube."

:ajsmug:

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