When worlds collide
Chapter 1: Introduction
There is a man in worker overalls stood in a long, grey, metal corridor, looking at a holographic screen.
A male, computer voice can be heard saying, “Earth – 2147. This was the year that the HLV Malevolence fled the Earth with SKULL’s best soldiers, scientists, people and equipment due to a losing war that has been waging for 47 years.” The man is stood staring at an image of Earth on the screen; he moves over to a window and looks out into the vast darkness of space with part of Jupiter in view.
The computer voice continues, “SKULL is an organised military company with the intent of controlling the Earth and any other planet that are habitable. SKULL laid in secret within Mt Everest for years using political and commercial companies to cover itself up, the main one being Global Dynamics.”
The worker still staring out into space when he gets a large jump as a scientist runs past with a light lavender Pegasus, sky blue mane and tail with candy-pink stripes running down them, chasing after him.
“Come here. I just want to ‘play’ with you” the mare calls out as she looks up the frightened worker as she passes by, soon out of sight. The now confused worker thinks hard, trying to process what just happened whilst getting a sense of fear from the creature.
“What was that Mathis?” he curiously asks the computer.
"That THING was a recently created monstrosity. She was bio-engineered from the Overseer’s personality but during the initial designs some of his DNA found a way to her and now......she lives. The perverted thing she is.” He explains. Just as the worker was going to ask a question, Mathis interrupts with a more serious tone in his voice, echoing through the whole ship.
“Warning, the Grand Master has just requested an emergency Quantum warp jump. Two enemy vessels inbound. Please proceed to the nearest shielded room.” He informs the ship crew. He then disappears as the worker sharply turns to the window and searches every bit of space for the enemy ships, a large electrical surge can be heard coming from the far end of the ship. He continues to search but just as he gives up, two bright flashes of light appear in the distance revealing two large ships but not as big as the Malevolence, his eyes grow large as he realises a fight might come under way soon and sprints for the nearest shield room.
<At the bridge>
A comms technician grabs at his headset ripping them off, “Sir, they’re hailing us!” he shouts out.
A tall, thin, dark-blonde haired man wearing an officer’s uniform and hat is stood beside the captain’s chair in the centre of the circular room, “Put them through.” He requests. The technician presses a few buttons and a large video image of the other ship’s bridge.
“This is the captain of the UEFDC vessel ‘Righteous Path’, surrender now and nobody gets hurt” he orders to the Overseer.
Just then a figure in a black uniform with a red cape, wearing a golden mask, holding a black cane with a cobra head, enters the room.
“Ah, Captain Flanagan. I thought you might have arrived soon. You have caught us off guard. I surrender” he claims as he sits in the large captain’s chair, then looks at the man next to him, “Overseer, commence jump” he order quietly, the Overseer walks up to a console, presses a button and returns to the chair.
Flanagan then claims rather victoriously, “We have won. You are to prepare for docking. Don’t try anything.” The screen goes black revealing the open space in-front. The two UEFDC ships approach the Malevolence only to see a large energy wave start to work its way from the front to the back of the ship.
The ships continue to approach thinking that it is the shield dropping....they were wrong.
A radar technician onboard the ‘Righteous Path’ calls to the captain, “SIR! It’s not the shields. They’re going to jump, right next to us.” The captain jumps up out of his chair and stares at the radar screen, soon realising what is about to happen.
“Evasive manoeuvres. NOW!” he barks out orders as the ships start to turn around. The energy wave on the Malevolence reaches the back, disappearing then a large energy blast erupts as the ship is propelled into light travel. A shockwave of energy hits the two ships blowing them up in large fires, causing the reactor on the ‘Righteous Path’ to overload and erupt into a massive explosion of that of a mini supernova.
<7 years later>
The Malevolence exits light travel just a few thousand miles away from a planet that closely resembles the Earth....and a moon. The ship slowly drifts towards it. The Overseer walks up to a console, sits in a chair and starts to survey the planet, “It look very similar to Earth, sir, but it ISN’T Earth.....Mathis, scan for a local population and species” he orders.
“Yes sir. Commencing scan......some interference detected, strange but not important....Sir, I can’t get a scan of the planet due to the interference but I can make out that it coming from the surface, I suggest you find out, sir” Mathis informs. The Overseer then prepares for departure whilst getting some Talons to follow him.
<At hanger>
A crane holding a dropship moves towards the Overseer and five Talons (the Elite soldiers of SKULL) and then lowers down, releasing the dropship and moves away. He then orders the Talons onboard before entering himself. Once inside, the door close and the engines ignite suddenly making the dropship come to a hovering state, the main hanger doors slide open to reveal a blue energy field that keeps the air from rushing out. The dropship’s engines tilt forward and a large burst from them quickly propels it forwards out the hanger.
Inside the dropship the Overseer is putting his armour on , whilst doing so he tells the Talons, “Right, our mission, scout the planet’s surface for a local species. We’ll be dropping in from eight-thousand metres, the air has been said to be ever so slightly less dense than that on Earth so the landing speed is 180MPH.” He puts his helmet on, twists it to lock it in place and claims, “Now, let’s discover a new planet.”
<End chapter 1>
Hey there, Moonshine! I have read this first chapter of this story. So now, I'm going into critique mode. Let's do this!
First off, you have an interesting scenario here. The creation of a strange creature combined with the combat of the two ships "Righteous Path" and "Malevolence" makes for a lot of possible plot points. You do a good job of naming things and I see you as a very technical writer, evidenced in how you quickly describe certain things and keep moving the story along at a fast pace. It appears that you focus only on key elements and keep the story moving at all costs. Now, that works for some things, but there is a way to slow down and allow the reader to empathize with the characters.
A good way to practice with a slower, more developed pace is to consider what it's like when you talk to people. Think about how you go through the different phases of interaction. One type of interaction could go like this: you greet, then you catch-up, then you discuss what's going on now, and then you move on to what happens later. That's not true with every single conversation, but the structure of that example can be used to help you write your interactions with people. When characters talk, consider what they must be thinking, what they must be moving towards in the conversation and how they wish to end the talk. Then express that.
Example: (Quick and clean)
"I hear there's a pieslinger over at Appleloosa who called me out," Laredo said.
"She's fiesty. Be careful," the barmaid told him. The pony walked outside to see the yellow pegasus stand in the street, pie at the ready.
"Let's do this," Laredo said as he prepared for the fight.
Example 2: (More developed)
"Nice saloon ya got here," the brown pony said as he approached the bar. The barmaid, a unicorn with white coat and silver mane, turned to the earth pony and sighed.
"You gonna order something?" she asked.
"I'm more interested in what the townsponies have got for me," Laredo, the earth pony, said.
The barmaid stopped moving. She eyed the pony up and down before reaching under the bar and handing him a pie.
"She's waiting outside. You're late for your duel. She doesn't like that."
"I see. Well, let's get this over with," Laredo said as he exited the saloon. In the heat of the mid-morning sun, a yellow pegasus stood on the street with her hoof holding up a pie. The filling was red and dangerous.
"Well, Firefly," Laredo said, "Looks like it's time to end this feud once and for all."
"You're gonna leave here with yer tail between yer legs, Laredo. I'm gonna get ya back for what ya did." Firefly pulled back her leg and waited as Laredo stood still. Somewhere an eagle screeched and then they both moved at once.
---
Give your readers time to enjoy the character interactions so they'll become more immersed in the story as time goes on.
-BGB