The Lesson Express
A tiny foal with a blotchy, brown and white coat dashed through an open field. He had a goal in mind, and it was currently chugging along at a snail’s pace, carefully easing itself along a hairpin turn. Soon, it would be entering the massive grasslands of middle-Equestria.
The Friendship Express.
His one way ticket to Canterlot, and a new life. One that wasn’t filled with parents constantly telling him what to do, along with endless jabs from other foals on his small size, funny name, and strange accent. The day his parents had moved to Ponyville, consequently separating him from all he’d ever known in Trottingham, had been the worst day of his short life. But now it would all change!
Pipsqueak gasped for breath, short legs pumping furiously. The massive, steam-powered machine was nearly through the turn, and he needed to be on it before it sped up again.
“Come on!” he grunted, sweating. Grass became gravel, which quickly became wooden tracks. He strained to keep up, looking for a way in. A single railcar with a door propped open that would-
“Aha!” Pipsqueak trilled, spotting the gateway to his dreams. He jumped, stumbling at the last moment and entering the compartment in an uncontrolled tumble. The unexpected roll took him to the other end of the baggage car, where he came to a stop against an enormous box, covered by a cloth tarp.
It took a moment for the world to stop spinning, but once it did, something magical happened. The world had turned upside down!
Or, maybe it was just him...
He heaved himself off his back and to his hooves, unsteady but unbearably excited at having made the jump. Looking around the compartment, he noted it was empty except for that box he’d run into and a couple of dark shapes in the lightless rear that he could barely make out.
“Well, lookee what we got here, brother of mine!” one of the figures called out in a bemused tone. It took a few steps forward, until the late afternoon light trickling in from the open side of the car lit up its face.
It was a unicorn stallion, cream colored and with a smile as bright as the red of his mane.
“Looks like we’ve got ourselves a fellow hitch-hiker!” The other shape moved forward as well. This pony could have been the other’s twin, except for the mustache and the slightly deeper pitch of his voice.
Pipsqueak shrank back, eyes wide. His parents had always told him not to talk with strangers... and it certainly didn’t get much stranger than this tall pair. Their clothes were strange. Their manes were strange. Even the way they spoke was strange, as if they were addressing a whole crowd of ponies, rather than just him. Pipsqueak was tempted to jump back out of the train and try again later, but a glance toward the door revealed that the locomotive had already sped up far too much.
Not knowing what else to do, he gulped and introduced himself.
“Ummm... hi? My name’s Pipsqueak...” He truly hated the squeak that dominated his already high pitched voice when he spoke. Like his size and his accent, Pipsqueak’s voice was an easy mark for the more mean-spirited foals that attended his school.
The two stallions glanced at each other, trading knowing looks.
“Pipsqueak, he says!” mustache chuckled. “A fitting name for a small pony from a small town, wouldn’t you say, Flim?”
Now, Pipsqueak had never considered himself a fighter, but darned if he was going to let some stranger start making fun of his name before he even got ten miles from Ponyville!
“I’m not short! I’m just... height challenged,” he trailed off. Not his best moment, though far from his worst.
“Now wait a moment, Flam,” the one the magnificently mustachioed stallion had called Flim spoke up. “Maybe you oughtta take a closer look at the young colt. Because I don’t see a small pony standing here in front of me.”
“Y-you... don’t?” Pipsqueak stuttered, staring up at the sharply dressed fellow. No one had ever called him a colt before.
The one called Flam leaned down, staring closely at Pipsqueak and twirling his carmine whiskers before slamming his hoof down on the wooden floor.
“By Luna, you’re right, Flim! To mistake such a fine young stallion like this for a foal is downright... foalish!” Flam reared up, spreading his forelegs out wide and brandishing an expectant smile.
In spite of the silliness of the wordplay, Pipsqueak couldn’t help but giggle a little.
“Nice, Flam.”
“Thank you, Flim.”
The stallion returned to standing on four hooves and regarded the little pinto pony, “So, Pipsqueak, what brings you on board this fine locomotive today?”
“Oh... ummm...” Pipsqueak waffled. Should he make something up? He’d always been utterly terrible at lying, though. “I... I ran away from home. I’m going to Canterlot to make a new life for myself!” he finally stated, summoning all of his confidence and puffing out his chest with pride.
“A little young for a restart, aren’t you?” Flam raised an eyebrow, looking over at his brother.
“Now, now, Flam. We weren’t that much older when we set out, and look at us now! The world famous Flim Flam Brothers! Unparalleled salesponies, traveling Equestria and bringing wealth and opportunity to those who are smart enough to grasp it!”
Pipsqueak raised both eyebrows. “You guys are world famous?”
Flam grinned at him. “Of course! Why, Flim here’s on a first name basis with Princess Celestia herself!”
“Then... how come I’ve never heard of you?”
Both unicorns paused, grimacing at each other. “Looks like we got a smartypants over here, Flim.”
“A real joker, Flam.”
Pipsqueak giggled again. Strange as the two were, they were funny. At least he’d have somepony to talk to on the train ride to the city.
“So, smartypants,” Flim continued, “what’s so scary that a brave, young colt like you has to run away from it?”
“Oh...” The little foal’s ears drooped, along with his smile. “It’s... I just wanna go someplace where everypony won’t make fun of me.”
“Make fun!?” Flam gasped, somewhat melodramatically. “Why, whatever of!?”
“Well... my size, for one,” Pipsqueak sniffled. “I’ve always been smaller than the other foals in my school.”
“Well, that’s silly,” Flim stated, plainly amused.
“Silly?”
“Of course! A small size isn’t something to make fun of. After all, it’s not the size of the pony that makes him great. It’s the size of his personality! Right, Flam?”
“Right! And think about all the things you can reach, and places you can go, that other ponies can’t because they’re too tall!”
“Or too fat!” Flim finished for his brother.
Pipsqueak giggled again, feeling slightly better about it. “Well... okay, maybe. But I still have a weird accent.”
“Weird, he says!” Flam scoffed. “Why, I’ve personally known mares who would fall all over a guy with a suave accent like that.”
“... ew...”
“Kid’s a little young to appreciate that, Flam. But still, to have the same accent as Her Majesty’s own special agent Con Mane? A dream come true for any aspiring young colt!”
Pipsqueak had heard of Con Mane. The Princesses’ closest confidant, world famous adventurer, and probably the coolest pony in Equestria after Daring Do herself... and she was just a character in a book!
“Huh... maybe my accent’s not so bad,” he admitted, grinning, then suddenly drooped again. “But I still hate my name. Even you guys made fun of it...”
Flim and Flam glanced at each other, sheepishly.
“Perhaps not the best name out there.” Flam rubbed at the back of his neck.
“Now, wait a minute Flam,” Flim spoke up, rubbing his chin. “A name’s just a name. And if he’s going to Canterlot, he’s going to need a new one, anyway.”
Flam smiled and smacked one hoof into the other. “Of course! A nickname!”
“Wha-?” Pipsqueak tried to get a word in, but it was far too late.
“But what could it be?” Flim continued, starting to walk around the little colt. “Let’s see. He’s sharp. Asks good questions... like a detective, or a good guard captain.”
Flam joined his brother in the loop. “Hmmm... he’s lucky, too. Did you see the way he tumbled into the car, Flim? Like a pair of dice tossed by Con Mane himself!”
Pipsqueak turned in circles, trying to follow the two ponies who were inspecting him and quickly becoming dizzy again.
“Oh, I saw it! And maybe he’s small... but if there’s a colt with more potential than this little fellow on Celestia’s green earth, I haven’t seen him! Just like pop used to say, ‘a colt is like a good seed, give ‘em a little light and a little love and they can grow to be anything!’”
Flim and Flam both suddenly stopped, grinning madly at each other. “That’s it!” they yelled.
“What’s it?” Pipsqueak held his head, trying to stop the world from spinning.
“Your new name is Pip!” Flim declared.
“Like the insignia on the guard captain’s uniform!” Flam continued.
“Or the dots on a pair of dice!”
“Or the seed of a delicious apple, just waiting to grow into a mighty tree!”
The eponymous foal shook his head, confused. “But... that’s already my name...”
The two stallions paused and stared at each other in shock.
“Well... whaddaya know, Flim! The colt’s right! Guess his name’s not so bad after all!”
They turned to face him with expectant looks.
“Oh...” Pipsqueak gasped, thinking. His mom and dad had always called him Pip, for short. He’d thought it was way too cutesy, but now he was starting to realize just how special the nickname was. He remembered how, every evening, his mom would call him ‘her little apple seed’ as she kissed him goodnight.
Tears welled in his eyes as he glanced back and out the door. The sun was low on the horizon, casting moving shadows on the endless fields of wheat and grass that dominated the landscape. Just now, it had hit him... he’d never see his mom again. Or his dad. Or the very few friends he had managed to make in the short time he’d been in that pretty, little town.
How had he ever thought leaving was a good idea!?
“What’s wrong, Pip?” Flim asked, a look of concern crossing his features. Neither of the brothers looked as enthusiastic as before.
“It’s... it’s just... I miss my mommy. And my daddy... and... and... I-I wanna go home!” And upon uttering those words, the dam broke, spilling a waterfall of tears as the little foal slumped to the ground, sobbing.
“Oh, is that all?” Flam twirled his mustache once again, beaming. “Well, have I got a deal for you then! We just happen to be having a clearance sale on teleportation spells, and as our first customer of the day, you get one free sample!”
Pip stopped sobbing and stared at the Stallion. “R-really!?”
Flim nodded emphatically. “Just picture where you want to go in your mind and brace yourself!”
Nodding enthusiastically, Pip stood and scrunched his eyes shut, whispering home over and over again under his breath.
“Ready, Flim?”
“Ready, Flam?”
“Let’s bing, bang, zam!”
A brilliant flash of green light, and Pip was gone.
Flam looked to his brother, grinning. “And that makes number four! I’m telling you Flim, there’s nothing we can’t sell ponies on. Even their own name!”
“Kids these days,” Flim chuckled. “They never know how good they’ve got it. Good thing we’re around to send them home.”
The brothers laughed together, trotting back to their respective cots. Tomorrow would be a brand new day, with new opportunities just waiting for a pair of salesponies nonpareil... and one young colt with a new outlook on an old name.
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A fun little story, Invictus. As always, your work is excellent. Good luck on all the writing this story may cause you on that project however.
You know, I constantly try to imagine how to use Flim and Flam without it becoming a complete farce. While this story is indeed hilarious while reading in their voices, it's also quite moving. Bravo good sir
wonderful little one shot yah got here. pips one of my fav chars (or at the very least he's in my top four
) and its always good to see what flim and flam are up too after the cider machine incedent.
I think we have a winner here folks. I love how you portray FLim and Flam, and its very easy to hear their voices in this.
Awwww! That was very short and sweet. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Tho I don't like the Flim-Flam brothers....This story has moved my heart (a couple of inches to the right)
A nice little story.
this was brilliant. i loved it, i really did. short and sweet yes, but it had an evident plot and quality way of getting their. equally, i enjoyed your interpretation of the flim flam brothers. not completely bad, but even their good deeds had the hints of egotism and superiority. quality characterization, believable idea, and all around great story. good job.
Sent here by Dawnscroll and I am glad he did, this is an excellent short. Definitely gets a spot on my user page wall of recommended oneshots.
Nonpareil, huh? I had always wondered what it was they were saying.
Dawnscroll made me do it!
And I don't regret it. This was a great story. I love when I can find the occasional fic that make Flim and Flam out to be good, instead of the usual greedy scumbags.
*chuckle* Flim and Flam are two charming guys, and it's fun to see them as good guys for a change. Nice little story.
Wow. Nice fic you have here. It was not only touching, but moderately funny (Mostly because of the Flim Flam stuff. I can just imagine them saying that all, with the mock surprise and everything.), and very well written. And... it made me like Flim and Flam. Now there's a change. x] This is a surprisingly good story. Nice job. :)
This is very good.
I liked it. I was half-expecting the Flim-Flam brothers to be trying to screw Pip over or something like that but you turned that on its ear. Then again, this sort of made me realize they were only dickheads and not total monsters in their epic episode. Nice story! It makes me want the duo to come back for season three in some manner.
Had to comment again: fifteen minutes after reading this fic and it still has me in a good mood!
Well despite featuring some of the ponies I don't really like. That was a nice little story.
Also. Damn you Invictus for writing Flim and Flam well enough that I read their lines in their voices.
I love seeing Flim and Flam portrayed as actual, sympathetic characters. It's a rare sight to see, and this certainly doesn't dissapoint.
Dude, I fucking cried. No shit, and no clue why. Just tears
. That was awesome. Power in 2,000ish words. Bravo.
Just commenting to say I liked this. Like everyone else, I enjoyed Flim and Flam in this, but I like them anyway. Between this and the Psych crossover, you've earned yourself another follower.
Excellent.
bloody amazing and damn touching
psychology approves
D'AWWWWWWWWWWWW
Ahem.
Er.
Excellent, I mean.
d'awwwwwww
Okay, now that was unexpected. This was definitely worth the featuring. It's poignant, skilfully written, and I have a soft spot for good guys!FlimFlam. Good job, author.
That... was very interesting. Completely amazing, and I loved it, but still interesting. Never thought those two groups would get together and work out well
Brilliant little piece.
First story in the first edition of the reviews did not disappoint. Excellent characterization and a wonderful short about self discovery. Thank you for your contribution Invictus.
I'm ashamed that it took the reviews for me to find a story like this. I've always prized myself on my ability to find stuff. Oh well, this was amazing though. I can't wait to read more stories by you.
Brilliant! Definitely deserved to be spotlighted in the reviews.
And Pipsqueak doesn't get enough fics about him, he's too adorable for words.
Flim and Flam have a lot of awesomeness to them as well (despite that cider incident).
There, I fixed the syntax! Thank you, Mudpony, for pointing that out.
Anyway, thank all of you commenters for your more-than-kind words. I'm absolutely thrilled that you've enjoyed this story and can only hope that you find my future endeavors as entertaining.
You're the best!
Invictus
Its nice to finally find a good story with these characters. I like how believable this one is.
I was brought here by the Seattle's Angels review, and I was expecting the revelations in regards to Pip. What surprised me was the new perspective you gave on what were originally fun but one-dimensional villains. Bravo.
AWWWWWWWWWW
That's a good opportunity to gain respect from the community!
I'm surprised Flim and Flam didn't try to exploit him.
This took a LONG time to be on EQD.
YES! I love Flim and Flam!
Hehe, and they're right; being able to sell someone on their own name is pretty impressive! And here I thought that "selling ice to Eskimos" was the highest level of skill! XD
I gotta say, I have a weakness for stories where Flim and Flam are the good guys.
Oh my, that was precious. Well done!
What a charming story. Flim and Flam were perfectly in character here. Yes, they were nice... to a young child, whom they had no gain from exploiting, whom they could help with no real expenditure from themselves (a peppy confidence-boosting speech and a bit of teleport magic) and whom they could probably sympathise with for having made a few bad choices. The brothers are profit seekers, not malefactors, after all. Very enjoyable.
Love the story and I'm glad this is the first Flim Flam Bros fic I've read because it doesn't present them as monsters.
Anyway I did notice one tiny error:
“They never know how good they’ve got it. Good thing we’re around to send them home.”
The we're should be we were. We're is a contraction of we are so it doesn't work in that context.
Keep up the great work!
An interesting way of using the Flim Flam Brothers! You did a great job with their dialogue, and the overall slice of life was entertaining to read. Nicely done!
This was a lovely little tale that put me smiling silly. Thank you so much for that. :)
Flim and Flam are very fun characters, and it's great to see such an affectionate spin on them! Nicely done!
I read this fic months ago! I remember liking it, but I don't remember what I was thinking at the time.
I love it when talkers use their powers for good. This as very sweet. nicely done.
Bravo! Flim and Flam are nicely done here. I wish there were more stories where these two got to show off their wit!
However...
You got the names backwards.
Flam is best 
mustachepony!Great portrayal of Flim and Flam, I've always disliked the shows version. I myself see them as nothing more than two salesponies trying to make a living.
On a side note the definition of Flim and Flam are this:
Flim: 1. A five-pound note.
Flam: 1. A deception or trick. 2. A falsehood; lie.
I wished you would have compared the brothers names defining money and falsehood to Pipsqueak's name defining "A contemptibly small or unimportant person."
I still thought it was great for what it is!
So awesome!