VII - Afraid and Alone
“Y’all buckled up?” Applejack said.
Twilight found herself stuffed between Applejack and Celestia in the tiny seating of the truck.
“Uh-huh,” Twilight replied. Beside her, the princess said nothing, instead staring out the window.
Twilight studied her mentor, confusion on her face. How was Celestia being so calm? Maybe the truth just hadn’t set in yet, or maybe she was so heartbroken that she was lost for words. Then again, maybe she wasn’t. Maybe Sunset was never as close to the princess as Twilight was.
The more Twilight thought about it, the more she realized how different Sunset’s relationship with Celestia was from her own. Sunset herself had said Celestia would never allow her to come home. She had even wondered if her suicidal self-hatred was Celestia’s curse for her running away. Surely Sunset had been speaking metaphorically, but for such a thought to even cross her mind...
Twilight shook her head. Sunset hadn’t been thinking clearly, she told herself. Depression clouded the mind, after all. Sunset’s past actions certainly would have earned the princess’ disappointment, but never her contempt.
However, Twilight recalled how Celestia’s first assumption upon exiting the portal had been that Sunset was causing trouble. She must have still been upset with Sunset, or at the very least distrusted her. Twilight had never known the princess to hold grudges, but it was plainly obvious that Celestia harbored some resentment towards her former student.
Twilight looked over at the the princess, who was as still and silent as ever. Truthfully, her composure was making Twilight very, very uncomfortable. Was this how the she would react if something similar happened to Twilight? Sure, Celestia had never been very emotional, but something about her demeanor felt wrong in a way Twilight couldn’t quite explain.
Twilight continued to fill the silence with intense contemplation, and as she did, her expression soured. When she had first come to this world, Celestia had warned her of potential peril, yet when Sunset had run off to this world all on her own, Celestia had just let her go.
How could she have done that? If she’d suspected what lay beyond the portal was so dangerous, why had she never bothered to come after Sunset? Perhaps Celestia had hoped Sunset to return on her own. Then again, maybe she had expected Sunset to succumb to the dangers beyond the mirror. In either case, doing nothing seemed callous.
Twilight glanced over at the princess, frowning. From what she had witnessed, Sunset’s intense self-loathing entirely dominated her mind. Considering the princess’ inaction, it was no wonder she thought Celestia despised her.
“Umph—!”
Twilight was snapped out of her obsessive reverie by the shaking of the truck as Applejack drove over a speedbump.
“Know where you’re going from here?” Applejack asked. She pulled the truck up to the curb, and Twilight realized they were just beside the main entrance to the hospital.
“I remember, yes,” Twilight said. “I can’t say how long we’ll be, though. It’d probably be best if you went home for the evening.”
“Nothin’ doin’.” Applejack shook her head. “No way am I letting you sleep on a waiting room chair two nights in a row. I’ll be here when y’all are done, then we’ll head back to my place.”
Celestia opened the door and rose from her seat without a word. Twilight watched with increasing unease as the princess stared up at the lines of windows along the front of the building, her expression unreadable. Finally, she looked over to Twilight, her silence tinged with impatience.
“O-oh, uhm, right,” Twilight said. “Thank you for driving us here, Applejack.”
Applejack nodded. “Sure thing. I’ll see y’all soon.”
As Applejack drove off, Celestia finally spoke up. “We will not be staying here tonight,” she said. Before Twilight could respond, she pushed through the hospital doors without a word, leaving Twilight to scurry in behind her.
“What do you mean, she isn’t here?” Celestia’s brow furrowed at the nurse. “Where have you taken her?”
Twilight stood behind the princess, nervously rocking back and forth. The nurse she’d spoken to before—Redheart, she remembered—was withering beneath Celestia’s glare, and Twilight couldn’t help but feel a little guilty.
Redheart squirmed for a moment, adjusting the tag affixed to her hospital scrubs. “As I said, Miss Celestia...”
“Princess Celestia.”
The nurse blinked. “Yes, well you see, when any patient has, uhm, passed away...” Twilight noticed Celestia tense up at the phrase.
Redheart continued. “Hospital procedure requires that we move them to the mortuary while we await instructions from next of kin.” When Celestia said nothing, Redheart spoke up again. “If I may ask, how did you know Sunset Shimmer?”
After a pause, Celestia responded. “I was her teacher for many years.” The princess’ voice was tinged with an emotion Twilight could not name. “I am here to bring her home.”
The nurse shook her head. “I’m sorry, but any decisions about where she goes from here are to be left to her next of kin.”
“Sunset Shimmer has no next of kin,” Celestia said, her words stiffening.
“Really? It was my understanding that her sister visited her earlier,” the nurse said.
“Is that right?” Celestia said.
For a moment, Twilight was as confused as Celestia. Sunset never had a—
“...Oh.”
Twilight’s memories of her first visit to this hospital flooded back to her, and suddenly a rush of regretful dread left her shuddering. It only intensified as Celestia slowly pivoted, her gaze landing squarely on Twilight’s sheepish expression.
“Uhm, Princess Celestia?” Twilight’s voice was barely audible, even to herself. “Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Of course,” Celestia said. Without a word, she stepped away from the nurse, beckoning Twilight to follow.
Once they were alone, Celestia spoke up. “Why did you tell these people that Sunset was your sister?”
“I-I, uhh...” Twilight fumbled, her mind racing to find some excuse or explanation for her lie. As she looked up from the floor, she saw how Celestia was staring at her. There was genuine concern in her eyes. Before Twilight could continue her thought, Celestia spoke again.
“Were you two that close?” she asked.
“To be honest, not really. I guess we could have been, b-but she...” Her voice trailed off. A heavy sigh later, she continued. “When I first got here, there were, uhm, other people in the room with her. It had only been a short while since she...” Twilight took a deep breath. “Since she passed.”
“You just wanted to be alone with her,” Celestia said.
“Y-yeah,” Twilight said. “I wasn’t really thinking about anything else.”
“I understand, Twilight,” Celestia said. “Grief has a way of pushing aside our morals. I cannot say I am beyond this either. And while I do not condone lying, perhaps we may make use of this.”
Twilight wiped her eyes. “What do you mean?”
“They believe you are family with Sunset, correct?”
“Uhm...” Twilight blinked. “Yes, so far as I know. Why?”
“They will allow you to bring Sunset home,” Celestia said. “Home to Equestria, where she belongs.”
Twilight’s heart dropped instantly. “Princess Celestia, I... I can’t do that.”
“What?” Celestia’s expression snapped from confused to aggravated. “And why is that?”
“Because, well, when I-I talked to Sunset...” Twilight bit her lip, unsure how to phrase the hard truth she was being forced to say. “I don’t think she wanted to go back to Equestria.”
“And how do you know that?” Celestia asked.
Twilight could feel the pressure of anguish building inside her. “Sunset knew she was dying, a-and... She still didn’t want me to bring her back.”
“You spoke to her while she was—” Celestia paused, then shook her head. “Of course. Luna.”
“Y-yes, Princess Luna allowed me to connect with Sunset.” Twilight’s heartbeat pounded in her ears as anxiety crashed over her like a wave. “I-I’m sorry Princess Celestia, I know I should have told you sooner but it all happened so fast and—”
Celestia held up her hand, and Twilight immediately fell silent. “Let me be clear, Twilight. I am not upset with you for any of this. You were thrust into a horrible situation without warning, and I do not blame you for any of that. However...” The princess’ voice hardened. “You are telling me you will not bring Sunset back to her home—her real home. I want to know why.”
“I j-just told you!” Twilight stammered, frustration creeping into her voice. “She didn’t want to go back!”
Celestia stared through her as she spoke. “Why?”
“I-I... I don’t...”
Celestia crossed her arms. “I would like an answer, Twilight.”
“Because she was scared of you!” The words escaped Twilight without her meaning to, and with them went the last of her composure.
Celestia’s entire body stiffened, and her breaths grew shorter and sharper. Before she could even respond, Twilight kept shouting.
“She thought you’d never let her come back!” Yelling at Princess Celestia may have been a bad idea, but Twilight didn’t care. “She thought you hated her!”
For the first time in her life, Twilight saw Celestia at a loss for words. “I-I... I never thought...”
“You were all she had! And after she ran away, you never even bothered to look for her! You said the mirror was dangerous and left her here anyway! What kind of message does that send?” Twilight’s anger reached a fever pitch. “She hated herself s-so much, she thought you hated her so much—she probably thought you wanted her to die here!”
The second the words escaped Twilight’s lips, she immediately regretted them. Celestia, Princess Celestia, stood before her, trembling. Just as with Rainbow Dash, just as with Applejack, just as with Flash, Twilight had lost control. Immediately, desperately, she tried to undo the damage.
“I-I’m so sorry Princess, I—Sunset never told me anything like that, she n-never...” Twilight’s voice cracked as she was choked by sobs, and she shut her eyes as tight as she could. “I’m... I’m so angry, Princess. I’m s-so mad at everyone and everything a-and—and I know you really wanted the best for—”
“You are right. This is my fault.”
“W-wha—?” Twilight hiccuped, and her eyes opened. She had never seen anyone so despondent as Celestia looked in that moment.
“If Sunset was afraid return to Equestria, then it was not her home. She should not be made to rest there against her will.” The princess paused, sighing. “And the blame for that is entirely my own.”
“N-no, that’s not...” Twilight held Celestia’s hand, even as the princess looked away. “I’m sure you just wanted to give her time to—”
“No, Twilight,” Celestia said. “What I intended is irrelevant. My avoiding Sunset only planted the seeds that led to her taking her own life.” Celestia’s voice was shaking. “ I... I think I knew that from the moment you told me she was gone.”
Twilight had no idea what to say. The princess turned to her, tears in her eyes.
“Please do not feel bad for what you said, Twilight.” The faintest of smiles grazed Celestia’s lips. “To be honest, I am thankful for it. So often, those around me are too polite or too fearful to tell me the things I need to hear. I appreciate your courage in doing so.”
“It wasn’t courage... It was stupid. Stupid, impulsive irrational anger,” Twilight said, staring at the ground. “I’m so tired of being angry, Princess. I-I keep doing this—snapping and screaming at people in need of compassion... Saying horrible things, as if doing so will make the pain of losing Sunset go away.” She looked up at Celestia, tears sliding down her cheeks, and she suddenly felt like a whimpering child. “Will it ever go away...?”
“I do not know,” Celestia said. When Twilight sighed, she spoke again. “If we are to carry such a pain, though, I believe it is best that we carry it together.”
“Y-yeah,” Twilight said. Celestia wrapped an arm around her, and Twilight allowed herself to fall into the embrace.
After a few minutes of warm silence, Twilight glanced at the nurse’s station across the hall. “I, uhm... I still need to give them an answer about Sunset.”
“Yes.” Celestia nodded. “But not now. Such a decision should not be made while emotions are so high. And...” The princess trailed off, turning away from Twilight. “And truthfully, I have had enough grief for one day. I cannot handle any more.”
“... ... ...” Twilight looked at the somber, hunched woman before her. Celestia was right. There had been enough grief today.
“Princess Celestia?”
“Yes?”
“Could you, uhm... Could you tell me about Sunset?” Twilight asked. “How did you two meet?”
The princess turned, a smile of gratitude upon her face. “Of course, Twilight,” she said. “I would love to."
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By the time I finished this chapter I realized I was holding my breath.
I enjoyed the back and forth between Celestia and Twilight quite a bit this chapter and last. Looking forward to the conclusion!
Ah, really glad to see this update again! (And, btw, you're missing an end quote at the very end of the chapter.)
Celestia's reaction is definitely... interesting. It's I guess the sort of "mature", semi-detached reaction of an immortal that I'd expect, though with a subtle sadness to it. Works well in contrast with Twilight, who's never had to deal with anything like this before. It seems like where Celestia really realises that she screwed up is the notion that Sunset wouldn't want to go back to Equestria, but in some ways that still feels more centred on herself. Definitely looking forward to hearing more about Sunset's backstory... and what it'll reveal about Celestia and her feelings around Sunset in the process.
Keep this rolling. It's excellent.
nice work.
So happy to see this still going. I understand how celestia can be as calm as she is. 1000 years builds up a thick skin, where twilight is new to the concept. Not rushing you I'm just excited for what you make next chapter.
yay! more content!! thanks for a good chapter!!
Excellent work! I verily enjoy your Celestia.
yay more content! :D
More, more!
I wonder if Princess Celestia needs her furniture rearranged.
The challenge of fanfics—and headcanon at large—is attempting the rationalize the flagrant inaction of the royal sisters. In the show it’s no big deal, cuz everything eventually works out. But in a fic like this where things go south, it seems only natural to bribg out less than savory qualities in someone like Celestia. You managed to show her capable of both apathy AND empathy, which was probably the realistic choice.
So, kudos.
Slightly surprised grief didn’t hit harder with Tia, but the I have to imagine she has grown accustomed to loss.
When is the next chapter coming out?
Damnit! I can't. Stop. CRYING!!!!!
The portal also happened to be closed. You managed to cobble together a functioning one in half a minute, sure, but... not everyone is you.
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Perhaps she's not detached so much as going from a different perspective. As in, like you said, she's immortal. She's used to waiting. After the portal closed and she couldn't look for Sunset, she waited for her to contact her. That's what she said in the first movie. Maybe she's more used to waiting and reacting because, as an ageless being, time is different to her.
Or it's indeed that she's apathetic. Not emotionally, I think, she clearly loves Twilight and loved Sunset. But during A Royal Problem, it did seem like she's used to putting on a mask, grinning and bearing it.
And lastly... well, Celestia had to guide Equestria for the past thousand years by herself. She always had to weigh going after Sunset and potentially getting lost in that other world against staying and being there for everypony else.
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I think Twilight was implying that Celestia didn't follow her through the portal as she left, nor did she send someone after her.
*phone dialing*
Hi, meatsack body's incorporated?
yes id like to register a complaint about this body
...
no everything is within regulation, nothing requiring immediate attention, It's just I'm reading words with my eyeballs and its causing pains in my chest and liquid from my eye sockets.... yes I'm aware emotions is an added benefit of this model...... no, I just feel the sensitivity of it is too high, what's that, no refunds or exchanges *sniffle sniffle* yeah okay , well thanks for your time
Is it strange that I keep thinking of this song?
https://m.9742530
Eh, Gone Away to me fits more of a tragic accident/manslaughter death than a suicide, especially when you listen to the original by the Offspring.
Just finished rereading this and the previous story and they were just as great as I remembered. This was a brutal story, but every beat felt earned, every decision was understandable. The tragedy of Sunset passing on right as she was finding a reason to live and everyone watching her die was beautiful, as is everyone dealing with it.
One thing has me a little confused though. Did Sunset actually have a chance to survive in the previous story? It seemed to me that if Sunset found the desire to live earlier, she’d have survived, but that it came too late. However, I do see two other possibilities. One was that Luna didn’t know if Sunset had a chance to survive (or maybe even knew she was going to die) and wanted to give Sunset a chance to find closure and a path if she did survive. The other possibility is a bit worrying, that Sunset finding a desire to live right at the very end might mean she’s not a hundred percent dead and could be revived in some way. I doubt the story will go that way, but I’m a bit worried at the possibility, as I have no clue how I’d feel if Sunset does somehow live.
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Sunset was dead the moment she stepped off that ledge. There was nothing anyone--not even herself--could have done to save her at that point. She's gone and nothing can bring her back.
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Huh, that makes me question what Luna was trying to do. It felt like she was trying to convince Sunset to find the will to live, but if there was no chance for her surviving, that seems potentially cruel. Like if Sunset had decided earlier that she wanted to live, she’d have died anyways, only with the desire to live. There’s of course the possibility that Luna was instead trying to guide Sunset to some form of closure before her death, or not knowing for sure if Sunset was going to die, or maybe some afterlife related stuff (say trying to get her to the right state to go onto an afterlife or reincarnate instead of fading away). Then again, it seems pretty likely that Luna will show up in this story, so I should probably wait till then.
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Luna didn't know Sunset's fate any more than Sunset herself.
No one falls six stories onto concrete and walks away unscathed. I actually looked at statistics for falling from height, and the LD50--the height with a 50% mortality rate--is four stories. The mortality rate at seven stories is 90%, which is why I chose six. It's high enough that Sunset's death was likely, but not certain.
Luna is far from omnipotent--she was just trying to do the best she could to give Sunset reasons to hold on, hoping that her encouragement and support would help Sunset pull through. Sadly, though, the will to live can only go so far.
Gosh dang it...
Read this one, and the prequel. It was really good...really moving, completely emotional, absolutely worth reading...but damnit. Now I can't stop crying.
Ack...somebody hand me another six boxes of Kleenex please...
Well done. Very well done.
Amazing chapter. I was only sweating from my eyes in anticipation, not crying mind you, I do not crying. Very moving hope you continue to work on this book. It's too good to leave this like that. Though it is a good place to stop. Hope I see one soon.
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nope but I got one that might fit just as well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXFJpcDepLc
Is the story dead?
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Parking garages have larger overall story heights. 6 stories in q regular building is around 60 feet. 6 stories in a parking garage is probably closer to 100.
Waiting for more chapters~~~~
I would say that this story is on the long hiatus. I guess, maybe it will be updated someday.
Update??
I want to know how this ends.
May I please have more sir of this emotional rollercoaster of a story?
These stories of yours have been really sad to read, but I think it covers the reactions well. Celestia seems a little aloof, but I think that’s in keeping with her need to keep her feelings in check at all times.
I really love Twilight here. She is heartbroken and furious, but is doing her best to stop herself from turning this tragedy into a cycle. Great work, I hope to see an update soon!
I wish this story can still go on. Scampy is a great writer.
I really do hope that someday you'll come back and continue this story.
I know you've said that chapter five is your best work here, but I think this chapter is a close second. The Twilight/Celestia argument over where Sunset will be laid to rest was so powerful. Out of all the times Twilight has lashed out, I think this is the most significant. Not only due to the nature of the argument and the relationship, but because it was the other person who pulled her out of it. Though it's obvious that Celestia would be the exception (1000+ years of life teaches you a few things), I still feel it was significant (in a good way).
Wise words. Honestly, that's the best answer, I think, to the aftermath of things like this... to the aftermath of any grief or trauma. Genuine connection is the only thing that can truly lighten that burden, if only for a moment. If I had to choose one line out of this story to illustrate it's core theme/message, I think it would be this one.
Like the previous quote, this exchange is incredibly important. This is the beginning of honoring Sunset's memory. A step just as important as any other. Bittersweet as it is, this made smile.
Exploring the impact of suicide from the perspective of friends/loved ones is no easy task. I think you've done an excellent job doing so in this story. Characters are great as always. IMO, Flash and Applejack particularly stand out as well-done. The strongest moments here are in the raw, emotionally honest conversations. It's the truth and power of those interactions that make this story work. Even if this story remains in its current state for the foreseeable future, I think those conversations make this still worth reading.
If I had to point to a single aspect of your writing that I feel both exemplifies your style and your greatest strength, it would be your character interactions—especially when heavy subjects are involved. Now that I have read all of the Scampy words, I can say without a doubt that I have never read anything from you that seemed tacked-on, cliche, inauthentic, etc in any way. From start to finish, your stories are real above all else. True to the characters, to the subjects, to how these things play out and how they feel.
Expanding on the theme of honesty... I usually avoid stories with the Self-Harm/Suicide tag. Why? Because I've seen so many writers fail to give these subjects the proper treatment they deserve. It usually goes one of two ways: 1) they treat the subject with kid gloves, dancing around the issue, to the point of making you wonder why they wrote about it in the first place, or; 2) they are so heavy-handed that the drama comes off as thin, cliche, and/or almost laughable. Fanfiction is already a lot of chaff with little wheat; stories featuring this kind of material tip that scale even further.
But you... Girl... With all this wheat lying around, you could open up a granary if you wanted.
Silly metaphor aside, the fact that I have sincerely, honestly enjoyed every one of your stories, including those with that tag, should speak volumes. Thank you for all of them.
Highly enjoyed both fics in this series.... looks like this one is sadly dead though so I guess no real conclusion. Dropped your newer fics in read later so I can get to them, you're a really good writer.
(insert happy Sunset emote here holy shit we need updated horse emotes on FiMFiction)
Was great to have Sunset Shimmer suicide fics where she actually dies and we get a ton of chapters on the well-deserved grief/anguish that it causes for all of Sunset's former/current friends.... not just the EQG 5. Also neat how the suicide itself is what ultimately reveals her to be innocent, implying if she never attempted this then everyone would still hate her thinking she's Anon-A-Miss.
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It is merely my opinion on what they did
That being said, I would like to know why you believe I’m wrong
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Because I wrote the story and therefore I know what their actions were informed...?
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..................Very well then, I concede my point
If possible.. can we maybe get a update for the next chapter?
Read this again. Man, I wanna hug Sunny so badly
impressive.
I know if delving in such a meme niche like anon-a-miss long enough, I would find a gem.
this story deserved to be seen by general novel readers. being associated with mlp is both blessing and curse.
Oh god damn it. why do I keep reading incomplete stories that are really good but haven't been updated in years? it's like Im trying to be let down or something.
Anyways, this story and the one before it were a hell of a trip. I love how you used the fading text in the first story, and as a few other comments pointed out, the characters, the emotions, and the actions reflecting said emotions, are incredibly believable and well-written.
A key moment that reflect this point was rainbow dashes fixation on the sound sunsets body made when it hit the ground in her explanation to twilight. a detail like that seems so insignificant but it says a thousand words.
And that's only one example! rarities fashion change, applejacks need to make herself useful, celestias stoic exterior, all of these are amazing reflections of the characters and their emotional state.
Although leaving it here isnt necessarily a bad ending as far as endings go, I really hope you come back to finish this. it absolutely tears my heart out seeing good stories like this one get left unfinished. checking your profile I see you are still writing, so maybe theres still hope.