MLP And Hoops and Yoyo

by guzzyone

Making Cupcakes

Chapter 2

Making Cupcakes

"Uh-huh yes, madam, well, um...Were here because...Uh..." Hoops said.

"We've turned into ponies!" Yoyo interrupted.

"It..was an accident." Hoops finished.

"Uh Um....Heh, i don't think im bying it, anything i can do for you?" Twilight asked with a fake smile.

"Well, Zecora said we need some help trying to burn time so Zecora's antidote for us can come faster." Piddles replied.

"Zecora? Oh yeah, her. Wait a minute. How did you even turn into ponies?" Twilight asked them.

"Well...We were in the forest, suddenly, A White alicorn flew above us, and decided to run, Hoops climbed up a tree, but when he was about to jump down, Hoop's Backpack was stuck, when I freed him, we were falling off the tree, the white alicorn catched us and moments later, we were falling off the alicorn and fell through Zecora's House and fell in her cauldron." Yoyo said in Pinkie Speed.

"Wait a minute, a white alicorn?" Twilight gasped. "That was Princess Celestia!"

"Princess?" Yoyo questioned.

"Well, yeah, the Princess who raises the sun everyday!" Twilight said.

"I never knew a princess would make the sun rise every morning!" Piddles said.

"Wait-waitwait. If theres a Princess that controls the sun..." Hoops got cut off.

"Then who raises the moon?!" Yoyo interrupted.

"Oh, thats easy, Princess Luna." Twilight replied.

All Hoops, Yoyo, and Piddle's jaws dropped. Twilight waved her hoof at them to give them attention.

"Uhh.....Hellooo? Maybe i should go..."

"Wait! Then how are we gonna burn time!" Hoops questioned.

"....Maybe my friends can help...." Twilight suggested.

So Hoops, Yoyo, and Piddles followed Twilight to Sugarcube Corner.

"Uh....What is this place again?" Yoyo questioned Twilight.

"Well this is Sugarcube Corner." Twilight replied.

So The gang went inside Sugarcube Corner. Till then, Hoops catched his eye on every single candy.

"Candy Canes?! Suckers?! Bubble Gum?!" Hoops questioned hyperly.

"Uh, heh, what's wrong with him?" Twilight asked Yoyo.

"Oh...Huh....He gets hyper most of the time." Yoyo replied.

After that, Hoops yelled in excitement and tried to run to eat the first candy seen. But when he was about to run, Yoyo grabbed Hoop's Tail with his mouth.

"Hey hey hey! We need to burn time! Not eat candy!" Yoyo said.

"And were gonna burn time by eating candy! And not burning my...Appetite!" Hoops Grunted as he escaped the grip of Yoyo's mouth.

But when Hoops was about to eat a Candy cane. Pinkie Pie was sliding up to him.
"HI!" Pinkie Said as Hoop's screamed "IM PINKIE! HOW ARE YOU DOING? WERE YOU SURPRISED? WERE YA? HUH?"

"Very! Uh...Im fine...and almost scared me half to death...." Hoops replied

"So who are you?"

"Uh Im Hoops." Hoops replied.

"Uh, heh, sorry bout that Pinkie." Twilight appoligized.

"Oh no, its alright! Well i know what will waste time! Eating cupcakes!" Pinkie Exclaimed.

"Eating Cupcakes?!" Hoops said excitingly.

"Eating Cupcakes?" Yoyo Echoed.

"Eating Cupcaaakes!" Pinkie Exclaimed.

"Well...Um....Guess i'll catcha later guys! I'd better check up on Zecora." Twilight whispered.

"So where are them cupcakes?! Im ready to gobble up!" Hoops asked.

"I don't have any cupcakes." Pinkie said.

"Oh."

"But maybe you can help me make some!"

"Well. I suppose....Making cupcakes can help burn time as well..."

All you have to do is take a cup of flour add it to the mix

Now you take a little something sweet, not sour a bit of salt, just a pinch!

Making these treats is such a cinch add a teaspoon of Vanilla

Add a little more and you count to four and you never get your fill-a!

Cupcakes! So Sweet and Tasty!

Cupcakes! Don't be too hasty!

Cupcakes! (4x)

So Hoops, Yoyo, and Piddles were helping making cupcakes to burn time, but the cupcakes were a little burnt.
"Ooh! That looks alot better than the last batch!" Pinkie said.

"Umm...Is it okay if we leave?" Piddles asked backing away.

"Okay!" Pinkie replied smiling.

So Hoops, Yoyo, and Piddles left Sugarcube Corner.

Comments

Please keep this going! It's hilarious!

[Xeddrief]

It's...nice.

Ok, you really want to know?

If this is a trollfic, its an instant five stars. If not...

Positives:
-There aren't that many glaringly obvious spelling mistakes that I can see.

Negatives:
-I can't tell if there are spelling mistakes because the whole thing is a wall of text that is difficult to read. Paragraph spacing is key. At the very least start a new paragraph every time a different character is speaking. It makes the whole thing more presentable.

-Long winded summary. The summary is meant to grab the attention of the readers, advertise why your story is so much better than the others around it. Long summarys can be good if they are written well, but you pretty much put the whole of the first chapter in there.

-Numerous grammatical errors. I could spend all day picking out examples, so here is just one: 'So Hoops, Yoyo, and Piddles were helping making cupcakes to burn time'. Is english your first language? Because you can't string 'helping' and 'making' together like that, it just doesn't make sense. I strongly recommend checking, double checking and triple checking your work before you submit it. Better yet, get someone else to read through it for you. Even the best writers make mistakes and have to edit things later, but this kind of thing really should be ironed out right from the get go.

-Punctuation errors are in there too. Starting words with a capital letter that don't need it is quite prevalent, or saying 'i' instead of 'I'. Again, get someone else to read through it.

-Now for the actual plot. Oh, boy. Well, 'Hoops, Yoyo and Piddles' are just kind of dropped out of nowhere in the first chapter. We are given no information about them other than that one is a green rabbit, one is a pink cat, and one is a blue mouse (and the descriptions are so confusing I'm still not sure which one is which), they all know each other, and are capable of speech. No information is given about their backgrounds. Why are they such unusual colours for their species? How do they know each other? How did they come to be in Everfree forest? How did they gain the ability of speech when most other species from the show save Ponies, Griffons and Dragons seem to lack it?

-Why is Twilight, well known for being an intelligent and highly curious pony, so quick to dismiss their (admitedly unlikely) story and dump them off on one of her friends? Would she not be more likely to try and logically assess the situation, to detirmine whether or not their story is true, to gather as much detail on the event as possible, and suggest a solution?

-Why the sudden obssession with 'burning time'? Do they not want to find a solution to their problem anymore? And, it gets grating hearing the same phrase used repeatedly. If you have to have a character repeating themselves, make them say it in a slightly different way to mix it up a little.

Oh wow. I don't think I can analyse the plot any more. It hurts my head. Final point:

-The pictures. Um. Custom artwork for a story is usually looked upon favourably, and illustrated stories can be very entertaining if pulled off right. But um...I'm trying to say this as nice as possible: those drawings are hideous. Seriously.

If this is a trollfic, then it was masterfully played and I tip my virtual hat to you. If it isn't, then you seriously need to take some writing classes.

But, um...whatever you want to do is fine...

[Tree Kicker]

Please keep this alive!!! It's very funny!