When Celestia goes missing, Twilight accidentally becomes the Princess after she uses her magic to repair Celestia's Kingdom, but what will the results be?
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 11th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Dec 17th, 2011
guzzyone
Hi Im Guzzyone, and im here to make some fanfiction stories
guzzyone
Joined 11th Dec, 2011 ·
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You need to make a new paragraph whenever a new character talks. It makes the entire story sound confusing and rushed. Each chapter is just a huge block of text.
WAAAYYY too fast paced.
Holy wall of text!
Paragraphs, please, and slow down. each time someone talks, it is a new paragraph. describe things! breathe! there is no need to rush! Also fix your punctuation. A comma is not a period. Here is an examble.
Blood flowed from his chest.
Try this.
Red blossoms burst in violent crimsom bursts all over his chest.
this is called imagery. Below is your chapter done correctly.
"Okay Spike. Give me that book of spells to repair stuff." Twilight ordered Spike.
"Got it! Why do you need a book for using magic to repair stuff?" Spike asked Twilight.
"Well, it might come in handy sometimes." Twilight replied.
"Okay then." Spike said. So right after Spike gave Twilight the book, Twilight studied.
While Twilight was studying, Princess Celestia was in her throne room. Suddenly, a huge crash was heard, it sounded like it was on the roof. So Princess Celestia left her throne room and flew up to the kingdoms roof. But when she got there, nothing was there. Princess Celestia was a little irritated and confused. What was that sound? She thought. So she flew down and went in her throne room. Once she was back in, the sound was heard again. Celestia tried to ignore it. But she couldn't take it. She left her throne room and flew back up the roof again. But still, nothing was there. Celestia was a little more frustrated. So she flew back to her throne room. Once again, when she went back, the sound was heard again, and then, it grew louder, and louder! And a big crash went through the wall her throne was and the throne came crashing down, Celestia didn't know what it was, but once the smoke cleared. She was gone.
"What was that?" Twilight said in her home.
"I don't know! Let's go check up on the Princess and see what's going on" Spike suggested.
So Spike Hopped on Twilight's back and went to Princess Celestia's Kingdom, when they went in the throne room, Both Spike and Twilight Gasped.
"She's Gone!" Twilight said.
"Where could she be?" Spike asked Twilight.
"I don't know!" but all i know that is that she's gone and this place is now a mess!" Twilight said.
"What are we gonna do?"
"I know! I'll cast a spell to repair her throne room!" So Twilight used her horn to repair the throne room. Once she stopped using her horn she dropped through the floor.
"Twilight! Are you okay?" Spike asked Twilight. Twilight just mumbled. "I gotta go get help!" Spike said. So Spike ran to see Twilight's friends. Twilight's friends were talking together. Once Spike spotted them, he ran to them and said "Twilight passed out!"
Twilight's Friends gasped.
"Is she alright?" Fluttershy asked Spike.
"I don't know! All I know is that while she was repairing the Princess's throne room, she passed out!" Spike replied.
"We better get over there and make sure she's alright." Applejack suggested. So Twilight's friends and Spike ran to see Twilight. Once they went there. Everyone gasped. Twilight was spotted passed out on the floor mumbling.
"Ooh my, Twilight? Are you alright?" Fluttershy asked Twilight.
Twilight opened her eyes and mumbled "Fluttershy?"
"Oh, thank goodness she's awake." Applejack said. "What happened?" Twilight mumbled.
"You passed out when you used your magic to fix Celestia's throne room, remember?" Spike replied.
"Ok Spike. I wonder where The Princess went." Twilight wondered.
"Maybe she went to go shopping!" Pinkie Pie guessed.
"Shopping? Why on earth would she go shopping?" Applejack questioned Pinkie.
"I don't know. Just got to my head." Pinkie said.
Suddenly, a huge spark was on Twilight's horn.
"Uh, Twilight, what'cha doing?" Applejack questioned Twilight.
"It's not me!" Twilight convinced. A moment later, everything faded to white and Twilight passed out.
This makes it much easier for us readers to read your story. it holds promise, and it could be so much better.
65706 Give me a chance. I'm new
Sllllloooowwwww ddddoooowwwwnnnnnn yyyyoooooouuuuurrrrr cccchhhhaaaapptteeerrssssss.
65722
Guzzy that is one excuse I won't take, breaking up the text and starting a new paragraph when a different character speaks is basic English. We aren't trying to be mean, we are trying to help
One word. Indent. Pleaaaaase indent. It hurts me physically every time you do not indent. Also, slow down. Slow..... Down.... You can't convey emotions when you're telling the reader seven or eight things at once. Do try to follow our advice.
65750 Exactly. I have seen new authors write much better than this; so it's not really an excuse to just 'be new'. Then again, new is the time you make many mistakes. And, henceforth, the more mistakes you make, the more you learn.
LOVIN IT!
65722
I beg of you, improve your grammar and punctuation.
its not hard to read, its just really confusing and walls of text deter readers.
And you might hurt me for saying this but, your writing skill seems like that of a elementary schooler, it needs improvement before I try reading anymore.
Excellent story, but:
instruction.greenriver.edu/avery/activities/tech/images/Enter_Key.jpg
Spacing is the only problem
65722 you're doing fine, you just need to , as they say, break op the paragraphs. i myself had just started a fic, titled "secret lightning", and the first chapter was the same way. but then i got used to breaking the paragraphs, and separating dialogue. you'll get the hang of it on no time!
I totally agree with Sunstar.
I think i read his comment as the story, and not the actual story!
65722 Look at the comment made by Sunstar on your previous chapter. That is what your story should look like.
65757 Smart words, man.
65942 HA HA HA, good one!
Needs to be a bit slower and needs to have some ENTER presses in between some lines. I liked what I read, but noone likes to read a wall of text :/
As stated preiviously, DESPERATELY needs to have a few presses of ENTER.
Will follow because i'm wondering where you'll take the story, but wont rate just yet.
65966 that's right... Stroke my ego like a kitten! MWAHAHA! Just kidding. In all seriousness, though, I come fresh from Equestria Daily. It's hard to survive out there, you know. I may very well just be parroting prereaders there, but personal experiance is the best experience, I suppose. If you don't learn the hard way, in publishing stories at least, there is no easy way. So here's hoping the author actually reads these, eh?
(Also, loving the emoticons here. They're great. Third post ever for the win!)
"Give me a chance. I'm new $smiley"
Plenty of guides out there (on the internet) on how to write good stories... not to mention use good grammar. If you didn't do your research on HOW to write a story you were kind of asking for it.
Not to mention if you read stories other people wrote, you would THINK you MIGHT have an idea what a fic is supposed to look like. (Mostly talking about paragraphs there)
COOL YOUR JETS DUDE!, YOU'RE GOING AT LUDICOUS SPEED!!!
66233 Don't go plaid! Plaid text is impossible to read!
65942 Ohider, Derelle!
If you need help on writing, I have some really good stories that could give you an idea about grammar, spelling, and anything else you need help with. Just don't read The Perfect Pet, that's awful.
*Grammar Police incoming!*
This is my own personal opinion, and I hope you aren't offended, but, well... you kind of write like a third grader... Don't get mad at me! I'm just saying, this story has potential, but you NEED to make paragraphs, use better punctuation, and I'm pretty sure you've heard this, but you capitalize at the BEGINNING of a sentence, or capitalize the name of something. I'm sorry, but when people make mistakes, it just... Ugh. It just throws me off. I'm sorry.
Enough about your grammar issues. Besides the grammar, this story is great. Great plot-line (No, not like that!) And I like the basic idea. But I must say, what about Luna? I know, I should stop the nit-picking, but I can't help it. Wouldn't Luna take over when Celestia's gone? Again, I know I should stop picking at every little detail I don't like, but it's in my nature to criticize things. I'll stop this before you get any more mad then you probably are. Like I said, this story is great, but it has a lot more potential. I'm sorry.
*sigh... Am I needed again?
Ah 'spoze I have time for ONE story before I have to get off.
Now, Some pointers for story writing...
Character Dev.: Envision yourself as the character and what has happened to that character in the past. Now use that to figure out what the character would do to a situation presented, and simply write what happens. That's how I do it.
Plot: SSSSLLLLOOOOWWWW DDDDOOOOWWWWNNNN!!! I see at least, 3 chapters in these 500 words. Elaborate, elaborate, elaborate!
Awesome Filter: Okay since your 'new' I should teach you about my awesome filter, I put your story through it and type what comes out, simple! Now my Filter is both tiring and not energy efficient, don't expect much... Okay... Here goes...
"Okay Spike. Give me that book of spells to repair stuff." Twilight ordered Spike. "Got it! Why do you need a book for using magic to repair stuff?" Spike asked Twilight. "Well, it might come in handy sometimes." Twilight replied. "Okay then." Spike said. So right after Spike gave Twilight the book, Twilight studied. While Twilight was studying, Princess Celestia was in her throne room. Suddenly, a huge crash was heard, it sounded like it was on the roof. So Princess Celestia left her throne room and flew up to the kingdoms roof. But when she got there, nothing was there. Princess Celestia was a little irritated and confused. What was that sound? She thought. So she flew down and went in her throne room. Once she was back in, the sound was heard again. Celestia tried to ignore it. But she couldn't take it. She left her throne room and flew back up the roof again. But still, nothing was there. Celestia was a little more frustrated. So she flew back to her throne room. Once again, when she went back, the sound was heard again, and then, it grew louder, and louder! And a big crash went through the wall her throne was and the throne came crashing down, Celestia didn't know what it was, but once the smoke cleared. She was gone. "What was that?" Twilight said in her home. "I don't know! Let's go check up on the Princess and see what's going on" Spike suggested. So Spike Hopped on Twilight's back and went to Princess Celestia's Kingdom, when they went in the throne room, Both ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ENGAGING AWESOME FILTER~~~
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~~~~~~~ERROR - OVERLOAD~~~~~~~
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Maybe, I should do a bit less...
"Okay Spike. Give me that book of spells to repair stuff." Twilight ordered Spike. "Got it! Why do you need a book for using magic to repair stuff?" Spike asked Twilight. "Well, it might come in handy sometimes." Twilight replied. "Okay then." Spike said. So right after Spike gave Twilight the book, Twilight studied.
Okay lets try now...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ENGAGING AWESOME FILTER~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~DONE~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"... and that about sums it up!" Twilight happily declared to her assistant.
Spike sat there for a while trying to absorb the wave of information, but he still had a barrel full of questions, however, he just decided to sum them up into an overall one-worded question, "What?"
The bookworm for her part was not impressed, "Nevermind Spike, but now that I'm done with 'StarSwirl's Theory of Advanced Telekinesis', hand me that book on 'Mendan's Advanced Rectiface Lessons'"
Again, totally stumped by his metaphorical sister's order he could only reply with another one worded question, "What?"
"Uggh, The book that teaches you how to fix things!" the frustrated magician exclaimed.
"Oh! That one! I know where that is!" The purple lizard hopped off his stool and made his way over to the bookshelves, returning a little while later with the book in hand, "Why the sudden urge to fix things Twilight?"
"I Don't know, Spike..." She feigned a pause for thought, "Have you ever seen a dragon sneeze?" Twilight half-glared at her assistant.
"Oh umm..." Spike stuttered, a bead of sweat forming on his brow at the reference to the astronomy book, suddenly having a great urge to do something else he continued stammering, "I-I Think there is some dust to shelve and books to sweep!" Not thinking about his rushed excuse for dismissal he hurriedly exited Twilight's room, leaving her to her impromptu study.
Now that would do for a halfway decent prologue, it could still use some toning up, I'm not going to do your whole job. Now Lets see if I can make a part two of this prologue...
While Twilight was studying, Princess Celestia was in her throne room. Suddenly, a huge crash was heard, it sounded like it was on the roof. So Princess Celestia left her throne room and flew up to the kingdoms roof. But when she got there, nothing was there. Princess Celestia was a little irritated and confused. What was that sound? She thought. So she flew down and went in her throne room. Once she was back in, the sound was heard again. Celestia tried to ignore it. But she couldn't take it. She left her throne room and flew back up the roof again. But still, nothing was there. Celestia was a little more frustrated. So she flew back to her throne room. Once again, when she went back, the sound was heard again, and then, it grew louder, and louder! And a big crash went through the wall her throne was and the throne came crashing down, Celestia didn't know what it was, but once the smoke cleared. She was gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ENGAGING AWESOME FILTER~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~ERROR - NO POWER~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry... I'll try tomorrow...
Essan "EssMan" Manar out...
GentlePonies! Gentleponies! I'm fixing my story, alright? So you don't need to give me suggestions!
*imagines Pinkie Pie as Princess*
Where did the whiskey go?
Being new is no excuse for this. I'm new to the site and I am a professional autor. We are not trying to be mean here. We are trying to help you get better. Right now this looks like something from an elementery school student. Writing may not be your talent, but don't give up just because some people provide critism.
66772 has crazy amounts of potential, really hope to see the full edited version.
^ what they said
You could very easily combine the first two chapters... just saying.
65722 eh don't most people tget that form their first fic.
Hello.
I just wanted to point some things out, if that's okay (I'm not about to flame you, I just want to put some things clear).
It's great that you concidered ''fixing'' the story. This time, however, before you re-post the chapters, get a Beta-reader. If you don't know what that is, then let me explain.
A Beta-reader is basically someone that reads your chapters before you announce them finnished, prefferably an actual author, a language teacher, or someone you know is a good author. What this person does when he/she reads your chapter, is that he/she either: gives you feedback, comments, stuff like that, OR: edits your chapter. My experience with Beta-readers is that they simply point out the wrongs, and tells you how to fix it, along with giving you advice, and sometimes ''praise'' for good work.
So basically, it takes a little longer to get your chapters finished, but it's totally woth the wait for the readers (worth the weight).
Some fine points of advice:
When I write stories, I try to keep my chapters at least 2000 words long (I think that my longest chapter was about 7000-8000 words this far, I'm on my first actual fan-fic too :P). What I mean is that you should combine your two chapters that you've written, and then add in details, describtions, etc.
And as others have pointed out; SLOW. DOWN. Describe surroundings, what ponies feel when they see something, write longer sentences with a variety of words. Always try to find an actual meaning behind things that happens, when it actally happens (hinting at that Twilight gave no reason to why she actually wanted to read that speciffic book abou ''fixing things''). And also, try to give your book about ''fixing things'' a name. I think that Essan "EssMan" Manar gave a pretty good title for it.
I like the story itself, but as I think we all can agree, it needs work. But follow my advice, get a Beta-reader! It's for both your own good, as it helps you learn, and for the good of the readers. (Also, you won't be hearing so mutch critisism on the comment page, if they are better in the beginning.)
Anyways, I salute you, fellow author, as I take the batmobile to my hideout, the paperbag.
Bye!
This fast-paced writing reminds me of Full Life Consequences, the Half-Hile Fanfic
Mind your pacing and your spacing. More descriptions would be nice. Also, quick note - Chapter 1. When you say "Kingdom" I think you actually mean "Castle". Kingdoms refer to land under rule by royalty (and they don't have roofs).
Full Princess Consiquences!
Gordan Freeman's brother John Freeman who is Gordan Freeman's Brother recomends this story because it is best thing ever he has seen on his computer at his office.
You have an amazing idea but your presenting it horribly wrong. The idea is great but let's face it, you suck at writing. I would love to read this if the person who is writing Not My Destiny would write this two. He/she is a fucking genius!
68536 what's an autor?
Okay, This is a good premise, but a horrible Execution. This is NOT a fic. This isn't what you post to FiM fiction, this isn't even what you give to pre-readers and editors. This is the first Draft of a fic. You write this, read it, re-write and re-read, until it pulls itself out of second grade Writing project, into something resembling what those two other people wrote. Then you parcel it off onto your Editors. When people are Re-writing the Chapter in their comments and I'm enjoying reading THAT more than i'm enjoying your Fanfic, You're doing something wrong. I would not be suprised it all if chapter three turned out to be "Trololololol. This is a Trollfic. U Mad Bro?" or something along the lines
This Fic pleases the trollestia
27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_llnyajC7if1qj1mtmo1_400.png
158304
Agreed, this is the ONLY possible explanation other then complete retardation.
I suggest spacing it out more.
Also, whenever a character talks, you have to start a new paragraph.
Oh, also I think you should take it about 10x slower <- no exaggeration.
I made the same mistakes as you - paragraph spacing, stories that look like drafts and all. But I fixed some of them, if not all. I see it's already edited,it looks so much better now