Takes place during "Surf and/or Turf". The Apple Family has their important things to do. Applejack being a teacher at the School of Friendship, Big Mac visiting Sugar Belle, Granny Smith visiting Goldie Delicious, and Apple Bloom and her crusader friends travelling with Twilight to Mount Aris. But, who's taking care of Winona. Nopony. Oh, wait, Zipporwhill.
An entry for the Season 9 Bingo Writing Contest.
Page generated in 0.096 seconds
Total duration
795 users online
561,036 hits today, 2,591,549 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Speaking of Pet-sitting, wonder who took care of Opal during that trip to Mt. Aris?
Also Ripley's a girl?!?
I bet Zipporwhill would be a great apprentice for Fluttershy.
This is an interesting idea, it seems that you have gotten a rather good combination in the bingo
However, I have to say that the story needs some work. I know the contest's probably already over and all, but a lot of issues mentioned may appear in your future (and already published) stories. So, learning how to fix these might be the best way to make your stories shine and avoid going into the red numbers.
So, first, you need to decide who you are writing for. That might seem a little strange thing to even consider, but trust me on this one. Basically, you can either write for regular fans of the show that know the characters and settings. Thus you don't need to explain so much. Another option is aiming the story at the audience that has next to none experience with the show and thus they need to get acquainted with the world a little bit more. And this is where your story comes in... it seems as if it cannot decide on which approach to choose. It explains everything to the tiniest details in one spot and then breezes through other information in an instant, creating a rather annoying mosaic to look at from both points of view.
Furthermore, you should learn to deliver the information in a more natural way than a few paragraphs of blatant exposition. Some people even term this kind of thing "the info dump", so you can imagine it is really frowned upon. You should always decide whether or not the information given is somehow beneficial to the story, if it cannot be moved to another, more fitting spot and also if there isn't a better way of conveying it. For example, Apple Bloom mentions going to Mt. Aris later on in her dialogue, which is more than enough. The readers didn't need to be told so in advance. Another side effect of so much exposition is that the actual dogsitting takes up about a third of the actual story--given the title advertises that's what the whole story is supposed to be about, it is quite a bummer. So, you should ask yourself if the parts before it were necessary or if it was just filler.
Then there is the whole dogsitting part itself... you use there quite a lot of telling instead of showing (basically just summarizing what has happened, instead of making the reader live it through) and due to its shortness it's also quite fast-paced, resulting in next to none atmosphere where there should be cuteness overload. Some might also argue that the part lacks any kind of conflict to keep the story going forward--and it does lack that--but I believe this story was meant to be just cute fluff and thus conflict is not all that necessary.
Last, grammar and spelling. There are many spelling errors, tense inconsistencies and oftentimes rather awkward phrasing, sounding as if you are not a native English speaker. Then there is a plenty of recurring issues with direct speech, most notably the redundant commas between the speech and the dialogue tags. Far more explanation is needed here, but given the current length of the comment, I'll cut it here. Please let me know if you want me to explain more. Hope this all helps at least a little bit!