- Member Since 8th Oct, 2017
- offline last seen Last Thursday
Writer of Fantasies
An unprofessional writer who enjoys what he does whether he's good at it or not.
Writer of Fantasies
Joined 8th Oct, 2017 ·
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Judging from the description, I'm guessing there will be cross-overs with other Displaced? Not unless they'll be more of your creation.
9305556
If you've ever played any Elder Scrolls, you should know about a number of beings that are described as literally having risen from the Void. In case you haven't, research the Daedric Princes, or wait until Chapter 4. I'm not requiring a crossover with another writer, though. I can happily write this entire story without mentioning another author, but I'm open to the option once he sends out his Token. I already have conflict set up in such a way that any crossover will only add extra development, not main plot.
I like this, an interesting take on the Displaced stories, at least the ones I've read personally. You've got a follow and if keeps being as good as I hope a Favorite later. Good Luck.
9305561
Thank you! I personally love Skyrim, and while I haven't played the older games, I hope to one day. What I'm missing in not playing older games, I more than make up for in sheer lore knowledge.
9305564
I've played Oblivion and Skyrim but Skyrim has to be my favorite. It's also the base of my own Displaced-ish story based of my own character in game.
9305568
Just noticed that your account name is based on the Overlord and his Minion. Now, I've never played the game nor even heard of it, but I have read several Displaced featuring it. I'll also check your story out, so if you see a favorite in the next few days, don't be surprised.
Ash is also loosely based off of one of my Skyrim characters, though the actual character goes by the name Archmage Seraphim, which I'm rather proud of. It's hard to get all five schools to 100!
9305572
I can absolutely agree with it being hard. my character used to be level 97 and I had fully level all magic schools except illusion and than my save got erased some how, I still haven't figured out why so I'm building it up again. And yes My avatar pictures is Gnarl the Minion master from Overlord, which happens to be one of my favorite games of all time, taking 3rd place in my top 10 list.
I hope you like my story (and/or my other works if you feel the want to read them), as you'll find it's not done yet as I've been focusing on other projects at the moment but I have quite a few things planned out.
Look interesting, nice start and I'm already looking for more.
9305560
If any, all will be well as long as the plot progresses, does not slow it down/stop it all of a sudden and doesn't end derailed.
Strong opening, looking forward to more! :)
I don't know how this story hasn't got like any views or likes but i think this is really well made
Also i am writing a displaced story of my own right now so if you want i can help you, bare in mind that i am a lazy writer.
Hope to see more of this story!
9305723
If you wouldn't mind, perhaps you could give me more to go on than just a single emoji? If you dislike the story, I would like to know why, as it may help me in the future.
2 chapters in one day?
We're in for a treat!!
9306389
Well...two chapters in two days. I posted the story yesterday night, and chose to post another today. This might continue for a little while until the story gets properly set up, which is when the updates will slow down. As it is, another two are written with a third in production, so to say.
9306474
it says that both of the chapters are posted on 21 of November
9306285 Well, alright. You asked for it.
There is nothing to distinguish this from the five hundred pity porn fics just like it.
An unlikable OC, with the requisite Super Special Name and Mean/Uncaring/Distant family, check.
A brony who's into HumanXTalking Animal relationships for the escapism... meta, but again check.
Generic, unnamed disease killing him slowly enough to provide the requisite "Feel bad for me!" moments but let him show "le inner strength!", check.
Super Nice Friends with a possible "muh gf!" aside, check.
The nobody protagonist arbitrarily meeting a God/uber powerful being, check.
Said nobody being arbitrarily granted "The Super Awesome Magic/Super Powers!" from the author's favorite franchise, despite clearly lacking the fortitude to own even a sharpened butter knife, check.
The worst thing about this is that with a name and Super Awesome Magic/Super Power switcheroo, this could've been at least seven other fics on this site (that I won't name, lest the mods bitch about "user harassment" again). Did you use a checklist in the planning stages?
9306641
Huh. It says 20th and 21st for me. Perhaps I posted it on the 20th, but it wasn't added to the site until after midnight?
i.imgur.com/Z3o2jLq.jpg
9306722
First and foremost, I want to thank you for such an honest answer. However, in what way is this pity porn? The first chapter does involve a character's death, but I purposely typed it in a way that it doesn't inspire sympathy or pity, as that isn't the Prologue's purpose. The purpose is to show why Ash can't return to Earth as well as how he got to Equestria in the first place. I could have easily chose to have the very first chapter be him awakening in Equestria, but I chose to do a prologue instead.
It's also the first couple chapters with no real character development, meaning you know nothing of his family nor his character. Is his family distant because they are mean? No, it stated that the only reason his family wasn't there was because of physical distance, a.k.a MILES. In any case, is he close to his family? Does he love them, and they him? You, as a reader, have no idea because it hasn't been stated, only touched upon in the vaguest of ways by me saying that they no longer were able to make the trip to his hospital. For all you know, they can't pay for the gas. Yes, Ashephyles is not a real name. I chose it because of two reasons; it holds real-life meaning to me, and because such a unique name is unforgettable past a certain point, which can often play to the writer's advantage. Think Navarone from Diaries of a Madman. I haven't read it in a year yet I still remember the main character all because of his name.
Ash isn't into the idea of human x pony because he's trying to escape his life- if that was the case, I would have explained that in the Prologue. Ash is open-minded, with the thought-process of his time period (which is hinted at not being current time). While it is true that he ended up 'escaping his life' anyway, it was only after there was no option to survive. The disease he was infected by is specifically unnamed and vague because it needed to be a disease that had no treatment to slow it down or cure to fix it. With modern medicine, that's almost non-existent. If it can't be cured, it can at least be treated. He's grown used to the idea of his death because he has had three years to accept it, which is more than enough time for a portion of humans to accept it. Once again, I kept it vague to prevent any sympathy or pity, though I didn't need to. It is impossible to feel sympathy for an unknown character with no real development.
The 'super-nice friends' must have been something you came up with out of pure delirium, as it was specifically stated that they can be assholes to each other on a regular basis. The 'possible girlfriend' was an idle thought imagined by a dying mind, as the story clearly stated that he saw Terra as more of a sister than anything else, just as he saw him as a brother (clearly shown when they called each other 'sis' and 'bro.') Finally, the last three is what makes a Displaced story a Displaced story. There are far more than seven Displaced stories, with at least two groups dedicated to them, and they follow a general recipe for the start (a Displacer, originally The Merchant, giving a random person powers for entertainment), though I'll admit I deviated from the recipe quite a bit with this story.
Overall, while your concerns are your own and I respect your willingness to share them, you did so at such an earlier point that it hasn't been established whether or not your concerns are well-founded. Almost everything you pointed out was something that took place in Prologue and will possibly be never mentioned again in this story. His friends and family? Another world, never to be seen again. His death? He's clearly alive, so don't bother feeling sympathy. His name? There's a reason he shortened it to 'Ash.'
Damn, I didn't expect to write this much for a comment, but I had to provide a counter-argument to each of your arguments. Feel free to continue reading, or feel free to abandon the story, but now that you've aired out your reasoning for not liking the story as it is, please don't repeat yourself by using the same reasons again.
I have a feeling this is pre-Discord or before most of the problems that plagued Equestria other than the Windigos. It would explain their more pure nature after having united and lived together for some time letting the old hatreds die. It would also explain why they treat him with great curiosity and trust rather than suspicion and concern. They haven't met any real threats or disasters yet.
At least that my theory anyway. How close am I if you don't mind telling me?
9306979
You're actually spot on. The only real threat they've faced within the last thousand or so years is Nightmare Moon herself. Though, that's not the whole reason why they are innocent, just part of it.
9306787
You missed the part where I asked "need I go on?". I could've gone into where the second chapter was bad, but that would've made a long comment even longer.
9307065
But wait, if they've faced her than wouldn't our little Moon Butt be gone? And wow, I didn't realize I figured it out. O.o Not sure if I should be impressed with my self or sad that I figured it out to soon. :.(
9307223
Luna isn't gone because this is set after her return. Essentially; Season 1 Episodes 1 & 2 have happened, but Discord hasn't yet.
9307257
When I said Pre-Discord I meant near the time of the joining of the three pony tribes. A while after that happened Discord showed up and was beaten, then Sombra, then Tirek and finally Luna became to Nightmare moon. I thought this was maybe a few decades after Equestria's founding and before Discord's first appearance not the start of Season 1.
oh, than my previous theory was wrong. Damn!
9307304
If that was the case, they wouldn't be in the Canterlot throne room because Canterlot wasn't built. That would be interesting, though it wouldn't fit quite as well into my overall plan.
P.S. Just scroll down and look at all the spoilers.
9307304
They wouldn't be in canterlot then...
More please?
"I came here to read more of your story and steal your property. And I already stole your property" - Blood Raven
9310141
Blood Raven from Diablo II?
A very, very interesting pony ability and one that explains how they can be so trusting of others. Quite well thought out. Nice job.
9310526
Thank you. I personally like the idea because of their large eyes, so learning to read ponies' mood by looking at their eyes would be a really important and useful ability. In the end, I also figured they would be able to read humans, even if not as well as another pony.
If he chooses to meet a Daedric prince I vote Azura! She, Sheogorath and Nocturnal are my favs.
9310547
A fair assumption. You can learn a lot from looking someone in the eyes.
So by how the two are acting I assume this is going to be Ash x Luna or Ash x Luna x Celestia? With how their ruling system works I also have to Assume that if ONE chooses a Lover they BOTH have to choose one so why Ash?
Also if and I mean IF you have to contact a Deadra then Either Sheogorath, Azura or Hircine. I say Hircine as I think he would be good for Equestria and Terra as any of his Werewolfs (the ones He turns or has his Champion Turn) would be able to keep the more....Dangerous Creatures and Monsters in check AND Ash would likely be Granted lycanthropy which in my opinion is worth it!
9310805
Well, I'm not going to tell you whether or not there will be a romance nor how that theoretical romance would play out, now would I? However, I will say this; the situation may not be as simple as you might think, if said situation even happens.
As for the Lycanthropy... Well, remember that not all humans can control themselves while changed.
9310279
W40k Dawn of War
9310867
If I remember right, The Change is based on Willpower and your Magika levels. Though there is also Hirceine's Ring, but Assuming this Fallows Skyrim Logic then He should be able to Turn at will.
Also I think Celestia and Luna would be Perfect for him, He seems really Comfortable around them and from their actions they seem the same. I just don't see him being able to be himself around any one else.
Also I can't wait for Book Pone to find out about his magika, I expect her to write it, The Atherium, the aedra and the Daedra off as Nonsense and piss him off
If I may make a suggestion... Instead of going by game mechanics, why not go by how the lore describes how Magicka works? Magicka is described as to be dangerous if not approached with caution for first timers.
Now, this is just my own headcanon though based on research I did long ago when I started writing Magic-Eye's story.
I've always believed that spellcraft was done by a mage who channeled their magicka and bounding it to a word, words, or sentence and written into a spellbook. That spell created would only be unique to that user, but if anyone stole the spellbook and tried to use magicka that isn't their own, it would either be less effective or they'll gain severe backlash. Magicka can also be drawn from aetherious passively if you have a strong will.
9311326
Well, you don't know how strong Ash's willpower is yet and his Magicka levels are incredibly low right now. Like, not even Skyrim starting 100.
As for how the three are comfortable, well, remember that it's literally the first day still.
9311340
As for going by game mechanics, I've already got plans for that. The game mechanics made Magicka easy to learn and safe to learn. I have no desire for Ash to learn all the spells in a week. Sure, he could do that with Novice spells, but higher spells are harder to learn.
Very engaging and detailed. Makes it quite enjoyable.
9311742
Sorry about the late reply!
Considering what has happened to him, The pain he is taking from using his Magicka and the Sheer Mental strain he is likely in when USING spells I would say his Willpower is on the HIGH end at this point.
Considering they are showing things in front of him that they only likely show to few if any, I would say they are REALLY Comfortable around him. But I will wait and see, I am really Hoping they end up with him though as I think Ash Luna and Celestia would work well together.
Also WHY is what he told them about being from Mundus a lie? I mean with the Magicka and his Connection to the Atherium he might as well BE from Mundus as is. Also I am hoping he has access to the Thu'um and I hope one of the higher tiered powers gives him access to The Shehai
9312446
First of all, that wasn't a late reply. A late reply is a reply sent several months after the fact.
Ash isn't feeling much pain or strain from using his Magicka. While cutting his hand does hurt, it's not a very strong pain nor is it a lasting one because he can heal it. There's no mental strain for casting his spells because they are Novice spells, which only needs imagination. The only strain comes from running low on Magicka, which isn't bad on its own because he doesn't let it get to the point that it hurts.
Ash considers being from Mundus a lie because he just doesn't know if Earth is in Mundus. However, he knows that Earth doesn't have magic, has no connection to any Aedra, and isn't affected by the Daedra, so he assumes its not. The only way Ash could know for certain is if he asked a Daedra or returned to Earth.
9312490
Five hours is late for me
True, but I was talking more about the Backlash. I mean it's only gonna get worse the higher in the Tree he get's right? He would HAVE to have Extreme Willpower to keep attempting high and higher level spells knowing the Backlash CAN and WILL get worse the further he goes. This assuming the Backlash Fallows the Higher level Spell>more Magicka used>More Backlash received on failure style of Con v Pro Formula.
You know instead of contacting a Daedra, couldn't he instead Contact one of the Aedra or one of the Nine? I mean if he has Connection to the Aetherium then wouldn't that also mean the Reverse is true?
Give a look to magic system in "the whitest man in skyrim" on fanfiction
Concept of the story is quite similar, do continue and you will have me as your faithful reader
Also i hope your alchemy is capable of at least fraction of one's in witcher universe
Seriously, given time to prepare witcher can succesfully fight anything or have a good chance to gravely wound it
9312517
Yes, the backlash does get worse the higher the spell, and the backlash always has an effect that corresponds to the spell. Healing injuries, Wards would throw him back, etc.
While Ash could try to contact an Aedra, he would have to build a shrine for one to speak to them, and there's no guarantee they will answer back. Unlike Daedra, the Aedra stay out of mortal affairs usually.
9312645
Wouldn't the Wards be more prone to breaking Bones?
If it were me? I would build a Shrine to Akatosh as after all he is the God of Time and could Explain a good few things. Though, I would also contact one of the Less Evil Daedra to get both sides of the story.
9312644
I'm afraid I don't know much of the Witcher, but I do have a good friend who is knowledgeable to all things Witcher. I'll discuss the Alchemy with him, though I don't think my plans will change- I already have a good idea how it will work.
9312654
I went with Wards throwing the caster because, if the Ward fails, its pure Magicka rushing out in every direction. That would physically throw the caster back with the chance of breaking bones.
9312725
I mentioned witcher, because in the elder scrolls alchemy doesn't really add much( stat boosts, regens and poisons? :'( )
Where as witcher has situatonal potions, oils, bombs
Remember - explotion is an art