Ditzy Doo is super excited have gotten her hands on the game Dark Souls. Unfortunately, when an explosion at the Ponyville library, Ditzy is transported from Ponyville to the dark land of never-ending death called Lordran. Now, Ditzy sets off on a quest to save Lordran, and find her way home, even if she doesn't exactly know where she's going. And on the way, she will die, many, many times....
And then Doctor Whooves showed up.
Comments and critiques are always welcome!
Image courtesy of Not
Chapters (3)
I think that I'm going to look into this later.
Out of curiosity, who rated this story .5/5 I'd like to know what you didn't like so that maybe I can fix it.
61284
Every once in a while there's a troll who runs around 0.5 ing everything. There are also a few people who 0.5 crossovers on principle. Also, no offense, but your image is really bad. You need another one (that could also be the reason for the 0.5). I gave you 5/5 to balance out, but I would personally give it a provisional 3/5 with potential to get better. It's a little unclear what's happening at times, and some of the transitions are very jarring. Good luck!
FUCKING LULz @ the picture, the description, and the story.
LEAVE THE PICTURE LOL
IM GONA LOVE THIS FIVE-EVER!
"SWEET CHIRPING CELESTIA!"
U mad Ditzy?
Dark Souls! I've been wanting a crossover sooner or later. I would've done it myself, but I couldn't come up with anything... Dark Souls is just too abstract.
Will give this a read.
Alright, now that I've read what you've got so far, allow me to make some critisisms.
I felt some parts progressed a bit too quickly, while other parts progressed rather smoothly. For one example, the part where she meets the armoured stallion in the secluded room revealed by the boulder felt too brief; perhaps a more hearty conversation with more description to the scenery.
For originality, there's a few things I'd like to point out. First of all, you do a great job at explaining everything. However, I still feel that this story is heavily aimed towards Dark Souls fans (which it should, but a good story shouldn't be so biased, right?). Going into what I've said earlier, with a little more expansion on some aspects, it'll be fine. On top of that, I don't feel you have to follow exactly what the game presents. The level layout, for example, you explain detail for detail to the game. Fortunately for Dark Souls, this method can be kept interesting... But I'm sure things would be much more interesting if you were to interpret the levels, rather than mimick them.
As for the dialogue, Derpy's personality seems a bit passive. I don't want to shape your characterization for her, but perhaps if you explained her emotions a bit more, readers could get more intrigued. Also, I normally don't mind swearing, but it just seems that there's quite the excess use of it. Even for Dark Souls, swearing isn't something very relative. Though this is more of a personal preference, as again, I don't want to tell you how to write your story.
Finally, your literacy in writing is actually pretty good. A very select few mistakes, but I'd like to point out that "it's" and "its" are different things, and also to use the proper "there" "their" and "they're." Other than those very common mistakes, you need not a lecture on literacy.
Critisizing aside, I do hope you continue. I have watched, and rated 5/5 to counter those pesky 0.5 trolls.
*Jaw hits the floor*
Ponies + Dark Souls.....
Sadly haven't played Dark Souls though I was a massive fan of Demon's Souls.
.
You sir.....have my attention.
Glad to see people like this.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to get around to fixing it up and writing the next chapter until at least Tuesday, maybe later. Exams and all
61319
Can't tell if serious
61401
Thanks for the suggestions!
On a few of them, they sort of sprang up because of how I wrote the story. It was a bet from a friend to write a take on the experiential narrative of Dark Souls. SO the opening follows the tutorial level super close. Rest assured, I will be messing with the locations, if only because Ditzy's wings would make her quest far too easy otherwise.
61308
No offence taken, I'm just not much of an artist and don't have any access to an image editor more powerful than MS Paint.
five-ever because it's more than 4ever
I went and changed the image from a derpy's face inexpertly pasted on top of some Dark Souls art to just a cropped version of said Dark Souls art.
61925
Hey, here is a Pony Souls pic you might want to use if you're looking for an image:
http://asavarkul.deviantart.com/art/Pony-Souls-257924070?q=boost%3Apopular%20pony%20souls&qo=0
Not Derpy, but it's the only crossover I've found.
62368 I thought about that one, but he's already doing a Souls/MLP fic, so I think I;m going to stay with this just until I can get to a copy of Photoshop and try to shoop the original idea right. Also, just FYI, a large edit is coming later tonight, I got some free time unexpectedly.
Big edit to chapter 1 uploaded, more to come tonight.
Well this is good.
Chapter 2: The Expositing now up, with a special guest!
oo, double eye stare of doom, scary, kinda like fluttershy's stare
Oh god, reading this on my phone, I just realized I accidentally deleted some dialogue, gonna unpublish till I can get to a proper computer.
Republished, seems there was a mess-up with the google docs import feature deleting some lines. If anyone notices any skipping or what have you, let me know!
Anyways, Allons-y!
I'm also really looking for some critique here, this chapter is basically a combination of the two things in writing that I'm terrible at, exposition and comedy. Any pointers would be much appreciated!
Giving this story a bit of an overhaul, changing passive sentences to active ones, trimming where necessary. If anyone would like to point at a specific place that they think could use some work stylistically that would be great!
As for the story itself, I'm super happy with the reception it's gotten, especially since it's only the second fanfic I've ever written, and my first wasn't very good.
Hooray for fun, and me making the pic for you, and doing minor editing. I am Happy to see the 900 views. I wish it could be more popular, but we both agree that if stories are gems this is not a diamond, but maybe a nice piece of lapis lazuli. I gave it my standard 4.5 because I only rate between 3 and 5 and so far one story has deserved a 5 from me. Thank you for making something that was rather fun to read that will give me more of an idea of what the game is like. After all I intend to eventually play this game. You sir are a fun person, and this story is full of derptastic battles of happy.
Hahah, interesting.
I hope you plan on continuing this.
*Laughs* This is hilarious. Derpy the Pyromancer! Woo!
...I now feel the need to start a new game of DS and call my character Twilight. >.<
Ah buck it, I will. :D
Overall, very good. You really put the comedy in to dark souls. Poor Derpy though...she has to defeat the Gargoyle's, Quelaag, Iron Golem, Smough and Ornstein, Four Kings, Nito, Seath, Bed of Chaos AND THEN GWYN!
Good god but this is going to be amusing.
MORE DAMN YOU, MORE!!!
Cheers
GM
Damn, someone did beat me to it... By quite a while too. Let me just say how happy it makes me to see that other people have had this idea and that Im not as crazy as I first suspected. I had started writing a Souls crossover right when I joined the community here, but it quicklytook a backseat while my Dark Tower crossover (if that doesnt attract the trolls i dont know what will) expanded. I feel the need to congradulate you simply for coming up with such an awesome cconcept for a story and for using Derpy as a main character (Fluttershy is the star of mine, simply because she seemed the least likely at the time...), so congradulations! Nicely done.
Personally, I favor heavy armor, greatsword and greatshield. Also, it occurs to me that not having perfect depth perception might screw a pyromancer over, at least a little...