What Shouldn't Be...

Source

Twilight Sparkle has a happy life. Or so she thinks until a cutie markless unicorn crashes in through the roof of her house. After rushing him to the hospital, Twilight begins talking strange about him. Stuff like dating comes up, and her friends begin to tease her. Even worse, the unicorn has some odd behaviors. Will Twilight stay single? Or will she decide it's time for some romance in her life? Teen becaue I don't know where I'm going with this.

Thanks to SonicRaimboomGirl for cover that I'm trying to put up.

Chapters (4)

The Meteor Lands · 6th Nov 2012 · 961 words
961
Download .txt
Download .html
Meeting Lonely · 4th Nov 2012 · 764 words
764
Download .txt
Download .html
Friends and Dating and Waking Up · 6th Nov 2012 · 1,510 words
1,510
Download .txt
Download .html
Lon Goes on an Adventure · 14th Dec 2012 · 1,243 words
1,243
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 3 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 3
- Newest First
- Oldest First

ONWARD_Conwardicus

ONWARD_Conwardicus #1 · Nov 4th, 2012 · · · Friends and Dating and Waking Up ·

Now new and Improved!

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #2 · Nov 6th, 2012 · · · Friends and Dating and Waking Up ·

As requested, I'm here to give this another goin' over.

All words in the title should be capitalized: What Shouldn't Be.

Applejack, not Apple Jack

That’s fine. She told herself, I have plenty more pages.

Thoughts are usually indicated with italics.
That first period should be a comma, as the sentence has not yet ended.
"She" should not be capitalized, as it is not the first word.

That’s fine, she told herself, I have plenty more pages.

See?

The object smashed in through the roof of the house and made an explosion that shut the door, along with a cloud of dust.

This, IMO, could use some more pizazz. The tone is rather dry, but it's a freaking meteor smashing into Twilight's house!

Example:

The object smashed in through the roof of the house with a noise like a tornado, snapping branches and sending a storm of leaves whirling. It struck the floor with a deafening BOOM!, throwing up a cloud of dust and sending books flying. The shock wave slammed the door shut and nearly knocked Twilight off her hooves.

Chapter 2 looks fine.

Chapter 3: Your italics tag is broken at the end of the first sentence, and it's italicized the entire chapter.

Second, He only punched a hole in my roof and library, no cave-ins.

"He" shouldn't be capitalized.

“I don’t remember anyone mention dating…” Pinkie Pie recalled.

Actually, Rarity just said:

“You never told us if he was cute. Ooh, do you like him? Oh I can’t wait until he gets out of the hospital and-“

which is pretty suggestive. I like Pinkie's response - it fits well with the tone of the story - so I suggest dialing Rarity's comments back a bit. She's never actually shown much interest in looks, aside from wanting her friends to look their best, so "Is he cute?" seems a little odd. Not a major issue, though.

Almost five times as thought possible! It’s amazing! There’s absolutely no explanation for this!

I still don't know what you mean here.

The numbers, while still comprehending to her ears and brain, didn’t quite register.

Comprehending? I think you mean comprehensible, perhaps.

It was Lon. The pony who had a broken leg two hours ago.

MUCH BETTER! Seriously, yes! This is how you end a chapter!

Overall, much improved. A few minor points here and there, but it's coherent, it flows, and it's interesting. I do hope you keep writing this, as I'm quite curious to see what happens with Lon. You've got me interested in him, which is an excellent thing to do with your OC.

Oh, speaking of, it's a pleasure to see an OC who's a mundane pony race, mundanely colored, not (apparently) overpowered, and who the Mane Six don't immediately fall in lust with. I can't say more until we learn about his Mysterious Past, but so far he looks promising.

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight-errant

bahatumay