- Member Since 5th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen 4 hours ago
Israel Yabuki
Canon x OC, that's my specialty, both in art and in MLP stories
Israel Yabuki
Joined 5th Oct, 2016 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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Israel Yabuki · 16k words · 188 12 · 10k views
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Octavia and vinyl next pls
Gilda with a human? This should be interesting....
9233832
He pulled off the one with ember tho
Ooo, yay, this is made. I SO can't wait
Cant wait to see where this goes
Finally this girl needs to get laid
You had my curiosity now you have my attention
I liked the original cover art better.
9234009
The admins took it down because they don't allow the chapter's nipples poking out from their clothing
9234049
That's bullshit! She was completely covered.
Why does the self-insert have to be a Mary Sue? Is there something I'm missing here?
9234060
True, but her nipples were still poking from underneath her shirt
9234136
I still say it's bullshit.
What about this for the cover art. For some reason the current pic feel a bit unnatural compared to your other pics for covers
https://www.google.com/search?q=mlp+anthro+gilda&client=ms-android-hms-tmobile-us&prmd=ivsn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjM1Y2hxYreAhUJ_1QKHUo5B74Q_AUIESgB&biw=360&bih=560#imgrc=otNCmr0EF39LMM
9234114
Got DAMN I feel them mental issues brewing something fierce, Batman!
9234586
Somehow, I don't think the author has ever been in a fight.
I hope the next characters are Vinyl and Octavia
If it’s not it’s okay
9234784
In real life, I have and it costed me a few days of high school suspension back in 2013
TRENDING!
I can't believe, you're on the front page!
9235002
Holy moly, you weren't kidding around! And to think that this is my first trending story.
9234859
9234586
I actually based him off of this character
myanimelist.cdn-dena.com/images/characters/6/337159.jpg
9235046
Do you always take pleasure in downsizing everyone else's stories? If so, that's sad.
9235063
You don't know what that word means, do you?
9235069
And you seem to jump the question and continue to insult others. It's pathetic if you ask me. You need to find a better hobby like writing your own stories for once.
9235081
Sentences don't begin with *and. If you're going to whine about someone on a writing/reading site, at least use high school tier English.
*Dodge. *Ignore. *Evade.
9235086
Okay that's enough. If you got a problem with my stories, you talk to me, but don't go causing trouble with the readers or I will be forced to block you
9235089
Tell passive-aggressive what's his face. He responded to me talking about the story.
9235089
Relax, man. Don't worry about me and don't waste your breath on that DAMN HAMSTER dude. He just likes to hear himself talk like he's a big shot and not give a damn about others. It ain't even what you call "constructive criticism."
As per usual always a great start IsraelYabuki👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
In my honest opinion it's okay, but it's nothing new from your other stories that go the same way. The reader has some type of backstory, dies and get resurected to a different universe where God makes a deal with the other God to make it happen. Reader gets into a problem in the first chapter, and it solves itself in the second. Then it leads up to a long third chapter with the love interest from the very beginning of it all in some shotty described sex scene.
I'm not saying you're a bad writer or anything. This is just what I usually see from you. The idea was cool like a year ago, but I haven't seen you grow since then. I hope something unique happens in this story because so far, I'm not finding interest in the same story with different characters.
9235756
Don't you fret. I'm sure he's got some new ideas on how to improve the series. Just give him time to get through the ones he needs to do.
9235802
hope he does.
9235063
He can't help it,since he cant wright his own stories he like to put people down. Also love your pfp. Takamura!!!
9235095
You have my respect my man you tell that crappy hamster who's boss
Couple of issues:
- There's a rather huge exposition dump at the start, and it lasts long enough to bore anyone reading to the point of clicking away. There's your first problem.
- Tragic backstory. Very cliche. Not very interesting. Protagonist now has more edges than a fifty pence piece.
- Protagonist self sacrifice for a complete stranger. Yeah, we're approaching Gary Stu territory here.
- Protagonist beating up a bunch of guys to save the girl. Well, shit. Hello, Gary. How've you been?
- There are a few minor grammar errors, and you slip from past tense to present tense a few times. This is very jarring to the reader.
Overall, your writing comes off as wooden and unimaginative. The only reason this got featured is because of that sex tag. You may not want to hear it, but that's my opinion. This doesn't mean you can't improve, though. For every thousand words you write, you should be reading a hundred times more. The quickest way to improve is to read highly rated fics, take note of what makes them great, and try to replicate those methods in your own works. Also, a good editor should help you with the tense and grammar issues. It would also be a good idea to learn the cliches of bad writing, so you know what to avoid.
Finally, don't worry about this 9234114 filthy rodent. Whilst some of the things he says are actually true, he prides himself on being an absolute c*nt under the guise of critique, and never offers any advice to go along with it. Take his words with a pinch of salt.
9237073
Hmm, you may have a point there. Alrighty then, I'll see to it that the next story isn't so cliché and the next OC isn't a Gary Stu, I appreciate the constructive criticism and will make sure it doesn't go unnoticed.
9235756
You're right, it feels like I'm just playing the same cords over and over again. Perhaps it's time I expanded the stories a little bit, maybe up to 4 or 5 chapters and possibly change it up a little with the characters winding up in Equestria
Awesome start again IsraelYabuki
Well, that escalated quickly.
This escalated rather quickly, but it also got good
Why dose t he JSU shoot him I mean cmon we’ve all seen raiders of the lost ark
9241626
If you're asking why the OC doesn't shoot, He doesn't carry a gun. To him, guns are for cowards who can't fight properly, but if you're talking about the master of the dojo, he's a griffon, he can't shoot magic because he doesn't have a horn and plus, he's never used a gun, let alone know how to use it
I read this and I loved the progress you made from the last chapter by making your weakness into a strength out of nowhere. I have to admit, this chapter got me surprised on how much had changed with a few words. It went from punching and knocking out someone, to the attacker being knocked out themselves. Holy shet. 8o
The only things I have against this right now is that the pacing is going too fast. Like there was a lot of stuff that could've been exploited that you wrote that could be further explained instead of skimming it over like it's nothing. That's lost potential on something that could be worthwhile for the story. Other than that, this is getting good so far. I'll go ahead and keep it on watch. :)
9242576
Thanks, I really appreciate the constructive criticism. Even though they're only three chapters long, I'm gonna try an extend them so that the pace won't be too fast
Will it be possible to see Queen Chrysalis and Fang with they’re kids in the third chapter?
Good chapter as always bro /)
9241817
Idk man if I ever dealt with that ya know a gun is the ultimate equalizer and people who’s ya other wise just know one thing you can’t out pitch a pistol and I’m peaking for the guy, and I’m saying he’s could be like Dirty Harry or Indiana Jones a gun is like an extension of his fist