- Member Since 5th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
Israel Yabuki
Canon x OC, that's my specialty, both in art and in MLP stories
Israel Yabuki
Joined 5th Oct, 2016 ·
Offline
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Israel Yabuki · 10k words · 154 14 · 10k views
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I like it!
i love it
Nice story
thank you. I've even gotten a bonus chapter in progress
If the body was damaged beyond repair, wouldn't the service be closed casketed?
Hooves have fingers confirmed!
8503033
She's an anthro.
Couldn't get into it. Sorry, yo.
8503047
Oh... Didn't catch that... Sorry
It was a good read but still feels rushed at some points.
Somehow I feel also that this story deserves a little sequel about their son/daughter.
I feel like our human here accepts his situation way too easily.
Errrm he never asked?
The pacing feels super rushed but Im still enjoying it.
This is good. It does feel a bit rushed but I still enjoyed it. Well done.
Yep! Great story like the others, though I was hoping for a one with Starlight.
8504642
I'll get to her soon.
Ok a few things for constructive criticism;
In future stories do not focus on exposition and info dumps. A story becomes far more powerful when you show not tell. You did this well by saying that Celestia had a husband and then had dialogue explaining who he was, you need to include more stuff like that. Instead of including the twins accident in a single sentence, drag out a little start the paragraph with them getting in the car, showing us the banter to SHOW us that the reader loves the twin. So much of this story I had to skip because unfortunately there was to much exposition.
As someone who writes I’ve been hounded on Show not tell and reading stories that showed me conflict instead of telling me about it, gave me more of a sense of relation to the character. This is a second person story so it’s improant the reader connects with the protagonists but I just couldn’t put myself in their shoes because the emotion wasn’t there to entice me into walking in there shoes.
The subject matter is sweet and romantic but as others said it does feel rushed. I used to rush my plots which is why my stories have so little likes. I’ve been learning from this and you can to. This story isn’t bad in fact it’s pretty solid and good at face value. However, the thing about Celestia having a human husband should be omitted as you want your protagonist to feel lost and helpless at first you want him to feel the same thing he felt when his brother died so you can have him find happiness in the pony of your choice (in this case Tempest).
Again I’m not telling you to do this but these are just helpful tips. You could have said she had a husband but always referred to it in past tense that way it doesn’t ruin anything and makes the reader curious.
Though if I had to give this a rating I’d honestly give you a thumbs up and a solid 8/10.
8513353
Thanks for the honest opinion. I'll be sure to keep that in mind when the next story is gonna be made.
8513391
No problem dude, you’ve got serious talent and don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t.
8513415
Don't you worry, nothing's gonna make me stop writing stories for the readers out there
8514049
That’s the spirit!
What kind of children are they? Are they pony? Are they human? Are they half-human? A few more details would be nice.
8662476
they're part human, part pony
Where did you get the cover art for this story?
8690507
I found it on Google Images
This story was awesome,
I love this story.
The story was approved by the USA.🇺🇲
That is a unintended bakugan pun.
9175908
It was all that I could think of on short notice
9177623
Turns out the atribute of the only bakugan that I can find is Ventus
Since their married and are having a baby dose that make Grubber an uncle?
9301009
yes
Thanks! 😁👍
9177623
Kingdom hearts Ventus came to my mind
I like this story already, to be honest though, the human character is so like me, well except that i don't have a twin brother, but I do have a low spectrum of Asperger syndrome which have effect my social skill.
When I first saw Tempest Shadow when the movie trailer was out, I was interested about her as a character and antagonist in the movie, and it wan't long till I look up on the prequel story that give me a different prospective about her. When the time after watching the movie, I already know how much I pity her knowing everything that Tempest been through and regretting.
For a militaristic like pony, It doesn't hurt to give her a hoof letting her know that we bronies and pegasisters do care.
Love it, say does Ventus mean wind in Latin, cause it does make since though
a beautiful love story, good work guys and brony on
and I can't help but listen to the song you put their after reading this chapter, it works well with it
9640104
Yeah
9794248
I've also got aspergers as well, so I know where you're coming from
979476 Same, 'bout time we got a little representation
9969161
Same here!
Holy fuck, she is observant.
The fuck, I thought sex happened in the final chapter.
10452043
This story was right around the time when NineTailBeastBall volunteered to be my editor
10452103
Oh, cool.