- Member Since 5th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen 37 minutes ago
Israel Yabuki
Canon x OC, that's my specialty, both in art and in MLP stories
Israel Yabuki
Joined 5th Oct, 2016 ·
Offline
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Israel Yabuki · 3.1k words · 101 10 · 7.9k views
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Nice start! I'm so glad that you're doing a story for Shimmy!
I hope you do Starlight Glimmer!
8396101
I might do that right before the Anthro Waifu special
8396124
Awesome!
Poor Sunset. She's been through a lot
8396419
It's a story involving Twilight and her friends and family (specifically their husbands and kids) having a picnic. That's all the info I'll give right now and I'll air it once I hit 200 followers. It's my special way of thanking my fellow readers for enjoying the stories I've written these past few months
Great story of Sunset Shimmer. She's my favorite favorite in Equestria Girls other than my 3 top favorites Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight Sparkle. I wish I could audio read your stories for ya. Who's next after Sunset Shimmer
8415626
I'm okay with you audio reading it for YouTube, it just takes a group effort to read it if there's more than one character and as for who's next, I'm going to wait until I've got 200 followers and if that happens, I'll publish an Anthro Waifu Special as a thank you to everyone who enjoys the stories I've written.
Your welcome bro
8421562
I'm waiting until I've recieved 200 followers. When I've reached that many, I'm going to publish my Anthro Waifu special
You know I've been reading these types of stories for a while, after reading this one, (featuring my waifu no less) I've come to realize the problem that these stories share.
1. The first time you wrote the 2nd person Human character with a sad backstory was fine, but now all of them has a sad backstory and it's getting old. Whether it's dead drunk dad or dead parents, they don't really do much to make me feel for these guys when they happen to all suffer some bad past. As if they're all just from some create-a-character-with-a-bad-past website, I end up just not caring about any of them. It'd be a nice change if you wrote one with just an ordinary past with ordinary problems who unfortunately got teleported to Equestria. Sometimes you don't need a sad story to get engaged with a character.
2. Why are all of these stories connected to each other? There's nothing wrong with a connected storyline, but you're not really doing anything with it besides mentioning that the waifus you used before now have husbands. It's not a central part of any of the stories and no one seems to mind, but that's the thing. No one bothers to ask why all these male humans (with similar sad backstories no less), nor try to find out how when normally this would be a national problem. It's jarring to be honest all these waifus with husbands with such similar traits acting like it's such a nice little coincidence. and if you're not going to expand on this, then you should've made them more like alternate timelines. Like Human meets waifu in one timeline, while Human meets waifu in another.
3. The whole "I'm gonna call you insert noun here" thing is really jarring on two levels. The first is the fact that this is a 2nd person story with 'you' and 'I', which you stories are. Up until the 3/4 part where the waifu start giving nicknames. Of course, it's still a 2nd person story despite this change...it just a bit weird to do this near the end of the story. The second is the idea that I'm supposed to think that after months of knowing these characters, falling in love with them and on some occasions; about to have sex with them, the waifus just decide to know give them nicknames? Well that's not strange at all. Either have them call them by their nicknames earlier, or stick to the format you start with.
Combine all the problems with some choppy lines and sentences, and it feels like you first wrote a generic story, choose a character from a list, and tweak it to fit with said character. To give credit where it's due, the small times where you do something that is different is nice, the grammar is top notch, and the sex scenes are actually fine as they are not bad at all, in fact I honestly have no problem with any of them (although the whole Molestia "transformation" in the Celestia story was just...maybe not use that form again but that's just me). I think you have a lot of potential if fix up your writing and not repeat the same problems. Just know that I mean the best when I write all of this to you and I implore you to take these opinions to heart. You can make these better than they already are.
8427382
I suppose you're right about that, I think after I post my Anthro Waifu Special, I'll try to change some parts of the next protagonist and their past in future stories I've got planned
8427650
I mean that's not the only thing you need to work on...but it's a good start.
Woman : I'mma make you a sandwich !
Man: You make me a sandwich and I will love you !
Woman makes a sandwich and give it to the man .
Man love the woman who make him a sandwich, forever .
So much for characters with real personalities or any kind of relationship building . Is there really a woman out there who offers to make a strange male alien its native food ? The whole dead parents bond I'll let slide , but Sunset seems more like a 50s woman . One who doesn't express her own intelligence , individuality , or opinion for fear of reprisal by the dominant sex or judgment from her own gender .
The guy is not much better as he really is just there to act as a foil for Sunset to interact with . The issues that plague Sunset also apply to your male character . No personality or individuality .
So...I'm calling it now. The clop part of this story is better than the story part of this story. That's the only thing that makes sense seeing as how this story has 124 likes.
Didn’t sunset had a leather jacket?
10337448
she has it in her closet -_-
10337862
I see. How come she didn't even wear it since she's back in Ponyville?
10338305
She has other clothes in her wardrobe, dude.
10338363
Okay you have a good point.
Say, I wonder what reason did she decided to come back to Equestia and where's her rock that gives her mind reading powers?
10362456
*sigh* she graduated CHS and her geode is tucked away in her memory box in her bedroom
10362491
I guess she’s just home sick, but she’ll miss her human counterpart friends since they have their own futures.
Great story comrade, one small criticism is that the timeskip kinda leaves out the part where you start dating her and such but that is fine .
10395739
Which is why when I get time as well as my editor, we're gonna fix this eventually
Hm....
Curious.....
With all do respect, your writing style is degrading, losing quality the farther along I read...
But, that is to be expected, seeing as this is from three years ago...
10450486
I'm still planning on re-editing it
meers2review.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/challenge-accepted-meme.jpg
10450631
Well, I'll be looking forward to it.
So all in all, this story's fine, tad bit generic, but fine nonetheless....
Also, just a little thought, but what if you wrote a story where the character doesn't want to have a child with the reader, or, they're not ready to do so, mentally or, well, at all.
It'd be really interesting to see one of these stories have this type of conflict, especially with characters such as Chryssalis, or Gilda or Trixie.
It should really matter what character is being used for the story being written. I'd suggest researching the character and infer what they would like to do in such a situation.
Also, not all the stories have a to have such a copy-pasted feel with the format that these run on-
* Human male (or female) comes to Equestria
* Human meets or is helped by character
* Character and human fall in love
* The two get down and dirty
* Impregnation
With this format, it'd be nice to see you edit this story, and spice things up a bit;
like, have the reader EARN sunset's trust, or anything that separates itself from the rest of the characters' stories.
Anyway, that's my dumb-ass's opinion, do what you want with it bro.
10450968
First off, that's Equstia girls.
10460367
Yeah, I realized that, hold on...
Fixed.
Best chapter ever. This one is now my favorite.
The story was by far the best Canon x OC story read!
And also,
Rushed.....
Bitch WHAT-
10396522
Will you also add 3 chapters like you did for Princess Luna's story?
11181275
obviously
11181815
Sweet. Awesome possum!!
11181275
On which story again?
11368491
Sunset Shimmer.
When Yabuki wrote about Luna, he wrote two chapters, then suddenly he wrote three, but made it better in his version.
When I saw Sunset, I assumed that he would one day do the same, hence why I asked if he was going to do that when he has the time.
11368497
If he finished Candace first.
11368497
Then there's Fortis' wife since she had two chapters.
11368501
True.
Then again we know how busy he is, and we don't want to make him mad because of the others.
11368509
Yes he is, and he still had his two stories to work on. The one with the virus and Wallflower. It's gonna take https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fs6FgBec-nk 0:05.
11368512
Nice SpongeBob reference
11368508
Who's Fortis again?
11368517
Thank you. But seriously, it's gonna take forever and who knows when he's gonna finished Cadance and Sunset's story.
11368519
The guy who married Fleur De Lis.
11368521
Oh, right, of course.
11368522
.
11368522
Oh yeah, and he has to fix Spike's story since Emily died with her brother from an earthquake in the first chapter.