Just someone who read a fic and loved it, and now I'm stuck wanting to read more.I might even try to write a story or two.
Sunset Shimmer. A mare who set high goals for herself. A mare who is feared in the halls of Canterlot High School. A mare who was once a student of a Sun Goddess.
Now she finds herself in a unknown world.
Having no memory of how she got there and in a body that's not her own. How will this once accomplished mare survive in this hollow world.
(MLP:EG x Hollow Knight) (Cover Art is mine and I know it ain't good.)
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...Did you give Sunset a version of a Lantern Corp Creed?
Tracking.
9273175
Kinda of yeah. I base it off of several events from mlp timeline and arrange them like a Lantern Corp Oath.
9273206
I approve of this mixing.
Interesting... This takes place after the sealing of the infection, but during the events of the Vessel's story. I wonder how far the Vessel will be in its quest when Sunset meets it.
Might I suggest, changing this passage to something that flows a bit better? The first part about performance anxiety is fine, it's the second part that seems a bit needlessly wordy. If I may provide an example "I desperately began to slam my hooves against the wall, hoping to either let air in or let me out." I feel the above example is more organic, not only because it conveys the same message, but it also helps cater to an equine anatomy. While they do have strong forelimbs, the truth strength of an equine is in their rear limbs and hooves. Horses, and by extension ponies, get all of their power and momentum from those rear muscles. It would only make sense, in a life or death situation, for them to be used accordingly.
Fitting the theme of offering grammatical corrections, both turn and sense should be changed to either "turned" and "sensed", or "turns" and "senses." This is because the action is happening or has happened. By that I mean, you don't say "The man turn to face his boss"; instead you choose either the past or present form of "turn" to denote whether the action IS happening or HAS happened.
Oh, so Sunset IS the Vessel. Or at least a vessel. This is gonna throw a wrench in ol' Kingy's plan. Also, Sunset is not gonna be too pleased once she finds out a few choice bits of information about Hallownest.
9273314
Thanks for the advice. That sentence was better fit than the other and I could've sworn I added s at the end of those words.
9273361
No problem! I see a lot of potential in this story, and I'd love to see how it develops! You've got what it takes to make a great story here, and I am interested in how things will go for Sunset and the rest of Hallownest.
Interesting... Based on how Vessels are still being dumped into the Abyss, I guess this takes place BEFORE the Hollow Knight was chosen and raised to seal The Radiance?
Care to tell me more about Hollow Knight?
9409283
Yeah, the versions where she appears after the abyss was sealed and would've been kind of boring without some very big time-skips to move the story along.
9409286
What would you like to know? The lore? Or just the game in general?
I like keep it up
So, I want to preface this with a few things. First, if you don't want to read the impending wall of critiques/ corrections to grammar or spelling, please hit ctrl + F on your keyboard (should be cmd + F on Apple keyboards), and search the string of letters abcde. I will use those to denote when the wall is done. Second, I don't do this to put down the author, DeathKing. I'm doing this to help create a stable foundation for the story to grow on. As of right now, things are somewhat messy. Lots of spelling errors, improper use of words/tenses, etc. I hope that by doing this, I can help DeathKing get a better handle on writing, and thus improve the quality of the writing moving forward. With that said, onto the nitpicks! Also, a lot of these are very simple spelling/grammar corrections, so I think DeathKing already has a fairly decent basis for writing. I will note that I do change some of the sentences, but that's because I believe they flow better the way I rewrote them. If not, feel free to let me know.
Most likely meant to say "Clutching her left arm as a drop of silvery-black blood dripped through a poorly made bandage."
"few ruined books"
Either "ingenious albeit reckless thinking" or "ingenious but reckless thinking". As it stands right now, it's sort of like saying "Ingenious but but reckless thinking."
There is literally no punctuation in this entire part. So I'll include the punctuation in the correction to some of the grammar. "With no other choice but to travel along the worn out walkway she found, Sunset eventually stopped when she discovered a small portion of the walkway had collapsed into the black liquid covering most of the cavern floor." I changed water to liquid because Void is mentioned in game as generally being a rather viscous (thick) substance, which water is most definitely not.
"the collapsed walkway"
"tentacles were thrashing against the ground"
"Under their assault." Since its multiple tentacles doing the assaulting, their works better than its.
"poor imitation of parkour" Intimation is to show hints of something, or make something else known.
"Breathing heavily, Sunset stared across the still liquid in front of her. 'Okay Sunset, you've done this before, just run then jump. Run then jump. Simple as saying one, two, three and jump out of a tree.' She took a deep breath and began sprinting towards the edge, leaping with all her might."
"Sunset stood, holding her bleeding arm to her side. However, silvery-black blood began to slip between her fingers and fall to the tunnel floor. She slowly removed her hand from the wound to see how bad it was."
"The tentacles remained near the black liquid, barely moving. Sunset followed the outline of the tentacles to where they were attached. There she saw a long and slender chitin-covered body, with six bowl-like eyes on what she assumed to be the head, though she couldn't see if the creature had a mouth."
"What was left of it anyway."
"the combined weight"
"The satchel itself was split open from bottom to top, with the tear ending near the flap itself."
"caused the inner contents of the bag"
"Further ruining the nearly torn apart books were the silver and black stains caused by Sunset's wounds."
"Taking a slow, deep breath before reaching down, Sunset ripped the broken strap free from the rest of the bag. Trying not to wince, she used the strap as a crude attempt to bandage her bleeding arm."
"But the pros are going to be outweighed by the cons if this keeps up."
"means going through all this"
"oh sweet Celestia." What's funny is it was spelled right later on, so I'm imagining Celestia sitting on her throne, sweating profusely.
"The bodies filled me with dread. It wasn't just the amount or the bodies themselves, but the eerie resemblance they all had to each other, and to me."
"Slowly, I inched forward and grabbed the sword"
"I poked the body with the broken blade to test for a reaction."
I assume what was meant was something like "finally, while my chitin is mostly white" or "finally, while my face is mostly white".
"being's black body"
"possibly its organs"
You'd probably be better off just removing the "its" from this part, leaving "didn't see anything but black blood pouring"
"So engrossed in my thoughts as I was, I didn't notice that something had approached me"
And that's all of the mistakes and corrections I've found/have to offer. If I have made any mistakes in this long LONG comment, please tell me, and I will fix them as soon as I can. And for those who decided to skip the wall of text, abcde.
9411302
First, let me say thank you for pointing out the mistakes I made when writing this chapter and making suggestions on how to improve it. I pretty much used all of what you suggested except for two.
Here I changed "slip between her fingers" to "slip pass her fingers-less hand". At this point of the story she doesn't have fingers. She still pretty much a newborn vessel like all the others.
Here I meant to write "finally, while my body is mostly white-"
And again, thanks.
9412002
Thanks for reading through the corrections, and giving some reasoning behind your choices! It shows that you care about the story, and what to see it succeed! As an aside, one of the new passages you made could use some work, but the rest of the story is doing very well.
Two things. First, instead of using pass, you should probably use past. I realize it may not exactly be the most obvious thing, especially if your sounding it out to yourself, as the T in past tends to not be pronounced, but it is noticeable on paper. Second, "fingers-less" should most likely be
"fingerless". There aren't fingers-less gloves, but there are fingerless gloves. Good job on the rest of the corrections though!
9412170
Of course I listened. You told me what was wrong and gave examples on how to fix it, so I can do better next time. Most people would just say, grammar needs to be fix and then leave it at that. Without saying where the error or mistake is.
I like keep it up
poke?
9592837
?
ok I'm reading
9592847
Moar?
Srsl. This.... has potential. I wanna moar.
9593409
Ooh that's what you meant. Right now I'm slightly redoing parts 1-4 and combining them into one part, then I go and finish up part 5, renamed part 2. I should have this all finish sometime this week.
So there's that for you to look forward to.
9593276
Happy you enjoyed enough to give it a read.
Cool stuff
Are Valiant, Umbra, and Nito OCs, or actual characters in game?
9609240
OC. Hollow Knight only has a handful of npc in it. And this take place before the game so can't just use them willy nilly. So OC. OC everywhere!
Do you want to throw an vessel oc into my story? I'm sorely lacking side characters.
9609294
I'd need to do a bit of research, but possibly. Any limits on what role I could design them to have?
9609301
Besides not being the oldest living vessel, most roles are open. From healer to liar, from warrior to thief it's open season... Besides backstaber that role taken.
If you choose to make vessel oc know that you make it adult. At most you can make it adolescent.
If you choose a non-vessel oc then go crazy.
9609331
So does the OC have to be an ally or could it be an enemy? I like to know what my options are before actually making said OC.
9609346
Either or is fine. Hell, if you want to you can make more than one oc doesn't matter which side they're on.
9609401
I'm thinking of making some sort of trickster-like OC. The kind that always seems to know more than they ever say. The kind that make you want to pull your hair out within minutes of starting a conversation. The kind that always seem to pop up when you least expect or want them to, yet they always help in some way whenever they show.
9609411
Hmm good idea but we should probably continue this in PM.
Also, vessel or non-vessel?
Yes it back
Vessels talking is a bit odd to see, but it's a good decision to show their dynamic better and allow for proper expression. Though it at least makes sense that some are able to talk, considering they ended up in the Abyss in the first place.
As for OCs, I'm considering submitting a character, since I haven't used them for anything but an RP.
9613398
Yeah, I had to think of ways to keep Sunset from rushing off somewhere and getting killed and talking vessels was one solution... even if that solution comes with its own problems.
And concerning the OCs just PM to me and will see which ones I can fit into the story.
9613721
Do you now when your next chapter is going to come ?
9721098
I want to post a new chapter this week, since I'm off from work, but I'm not sure I have it finish by the time I go back.
I won't make any promises but I try to get one out this week.
Ok thank you for telling me
Will you continue this fic?
9726470
Working on it right now.
9726502
I am looking forward to see who is threatening my throne
This went from 0 to 100 really quickly
9785925
I was trying to add some backstory on how Sunset ended up in Hollownest.
Again, this chapter is incomplete.
9785943
Mishaps on the mirror, but why the mishap on the first place, that nightmare however
9785944
I do plan on adding more to this chapter later it just I wanted get it out now so I can take a small break from working on it for so long.
Again the chapter incomplete... mostly.
9785978
Ok, understandable
Ya you update it
\0/\0/\0/ _0_/\_0_ \0/\0/\0/
The white dwarf has risen.
And so here is my theory.
The pale king, or more specifically the wyrm he was, had a sister.
This sister had laid a egg that to keep safe from her bother she hid in the abyss.
Sunset now the sisters child has the potential to surceased and/or replace the pale king like he did radiance.
And he like radiance doesn't want to be replaced.
Hence he killed sunset,
or tried to kill sunset.
