Main Theme: You're Gonna Go Far Kid by The Offspring
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Sans knew he was going to die. He’d held off the little megalomaniac as long as he could, but even the power his father had bestowed upon him had failed him. But, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. At least he’d see his brother again. However, as it turns out, while Sans thought he was done with life, life was not yet done with Sans. Now a human, Sans not only finds himself a resident of Canterlot City, but a Junior at Canterlot High School, a member of the boys basketball team and of the band. However, Sans’ new lease on life isn’t all slam dunks and knock-knock jokes. There are problems he and his new friends have to deal with, ranging from sea pony sirens, to sorceresses who’ve been consumed by the magic they’d unleashed, even threats from Sans’s home… including the very child who’d slain Sans. Will our heroes make it out of this mess, or will Sans and the Main 7 get dunked on?
Set in the Equestria Girls Universe.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic belongs to: an alicorn goddess.
Undertale belongs to: The Annoying Dog
Hi! I have adopted this story from Crimson Blade79, and they adopted it from someone else. I'm here to continue it, and hopefully do justice to all those who have worked on it. I am looking for an editor/proofreader, and I would be happy to consider anyone who is willing to take the job. To those of you who have already read this, it may be a little different from what you remember. I can only hope I do well...
Updates won't be frequent, not with school, so expect this to be a reeeeeeaaaally slow-updating fic. Hope you all enjoy!
I like. Keep up the good work.
Hello. I'd like to take some time to look over this story and provide some hopefully useful critique and insight. Bear in mind, I'm no professional reviewer; I'm a writer like yourself. Before I dive in, though, I'd like to address the description of this story first.
So you've got a pretty large chunk of text here which, in some cases, isn't so bad. You provide enough details that show you thought about at least the backstory of this, well, story. However, you also have already summed up pretty much the entire opening act (presumably; I haven't looked at the chapter yet, so this judgement could be skewed). Sans is dead. What killed him? We don't know. Our natural inclination is to wonder if you're going to address that in the story (which I hope you do). Moving on, though, this line here starts to turn me away:
For one, regardless of whether or not this is a Displaced Crossover, having the main character automatically be the "star of a sport" and dating "the sport/popular girl" is a very, very cliche trope. One that, I would imagine, is 1) hard to write adequately, and 2) is hard to overcome its natural bias. From a content standpoint, you provide a little too much and unnecessary detail regardless of the above observation. We don't need to know that Rainbow is the captain of every girls' sports team. That bit of detail doesn't draw me in; it's exposition for the sake of exposition. It adds nothing intriguing to it.
Since "problems" is plural, "there's" should actually be split into "there are." If you want to play grammar hard-ball, I'd suggest you add an "and" right before even. And, since Sans is a singular name, you have to add an apostrophe s to it, as in:
Not
Whatever else I might have to say about the description would just be me nitpicking which, while humorous to a point, I feel isn't as good as solid criticism and advice. Therefore, without further ado (two transitional phrases? I must be really sick), I'll dive into the first chapter and see what I can find.
im gona enjoy this
not bad.
wat
At first I didn't thought it was a good idea to show both moments from the show and the game, but then again it describes what happened really good to those who doesn't know the game, I just wished there would have been more because I already know the show and the game.
Well not sure if Sans should have let them do the final hit only to not appear OP already and held back a bit. That would maybe even have given them some training for upcoming fights in which they probably will have to help him as much as they can.
Then again Sans doesn't knows anything about them.
I'm just glad that you actually show how everything happens instead of starting the story with Rainbow Dash already being his girlfriend.
I can tell you already, I like slow build up romances at least something that I can believe since I'm not always into love at first sight.
If that happens I would like it if Rainbow or someone else is getting them together, I just think it happens to often that the main char is the weird one and the one having the bigest crush. (Not sure if it is still like that through).
Since I just believe they are only together in the end of the story or near it, I already want to ask for a sequel in which you can show us a bit how you think they would act after starting their relationship, maybe Sans even finds someone to adopt.
I'm curious how or what you are planning to do with the Sans X Toriel shipping there if he is going to be the Girlfriend for Rainbow, could it be that you just have planned something like a sad reunion since they probably have to left again? (I think the description gave me the idea that every Undertale Char is going to appear in this story.
I would love Sans to be nearly or at least the same amount of akward as Pinkie in way.
Okay I guess you can see already that I like to plan a bit, to make some suggestions. I guess everyone would like to have the story happen like they prefer it, but it is yours and I only hope for the best while waiting for another chapter.
It happens often enough that after I had read 20 chapters, that suddenly the author does something that makes the story look bad in my eyes, but I guess then it still entertained me for a while.
Okay good work so far, I stop know or this ends up in me talking nonsense.
7970204
Well, Toriel was Sans crush from The Underground, but she's dead now, so Sans X Toriel is just and implied shipping.
7970213 aaahhh okay I thought you would make them all appear again.
Well the only thing I would like to say is..and I hope you don't understand it wrong...
I hope that you aren't going to start more stories than you can handle. I don't know how much freetime you have, but I have seen it a few times that some or one special author has over 50 stories from which 30 are probably not every finished, at least 20 are still open.
The thing is even if no one can force you to write a story, I think that it isn't exactly helping to get fans if a story takes two years to get updated and no one remembers what even happened at some point or the hype for the story is over and it somehow doesn't works anymore if you know what I mean. Sorry I maybe overreact a bit, but sometimes if I see something similar to a few problems I have seen on this side so far, then I start to write about it right away and hope it maybe prevents something bad to happen (at least in my eyes, something bad for me could be something good for you).
I totally missed that Twilight ran into the stone.
Normally, this isn't really my kinda story, but...
The Offspring are too good to ignore.
Right off the bat... this is an issue. This is what I call narrative exposition, and the worst kind, at that. You throw all these details in without giving us a chance to breathe. You summed up, once again, the description of your story which, once again, summed up an unnecessary amount of the story itself. You've got to work on openings to a story; you can't just throw all this "Hi, this is me, and I was this and now I am this" at us.
Granted, I'm not much of a crossover or Displaced expert nor reader, but I do know that one of the key components is making it so that the reader knows just enough about the crossover subject to get invested; and that those who aren't aren't going to be pounded by detail on detail regarding that subject. Much like in any story, you have to set up the world without so blatantly telling it. That includes the backstory of your story's premise.
Like, for instance:
Here is how you really do set up the story. You've got us focused on right where the conflict begins (or, if the tone says anything, where one conflict ends). The second paragraph exposes us to what happened through observational insight on behalf of Sans himself. In general, I think that these two work better as your opening. You don't need that italicized text in the beginning. Nonetheless, there are some errors that I need to address.
Firstly, you very directly describe the character of Sans by stating simply what he wore and how he looked. This is the easiest method of description but, once again, it violates the better rule of "showing" rather than "telling." Half of those details aren't important to know. Your audience is, presumably, Undertale fans; it follows that they know what Sans looks like. For the part of your audience that isn't knowledgeable about Undertale, you want to keep description flowing but not so stagnant and stiff like you have here. Don't just say "he wore x y and z and they were the color of b v and f." Describe, perhaps, a reflection of the skeleton coming off of some rain water that had trickled in from a crack in the ceiling. Perhaps, by mentioning how his breathing was slow and hitched every so often, you convey that he's tired without directly saying he's tired.
However, I will say this: I like this part of that same section:
The same, general type of description notwithstanding, there is this sense that something is missing: and that's good. The open locket is a clear thematic motif that conveys a feeling of emptiness, even though there's something inside it. Yet "traces of dust" convey this idea that something old passed on. Traces are very small, so it stands to reason that nothing was left behind. That then means that the open silver locket with the photo must be truly meaningful. It is thus implied that the two are linked well before you establish that at the very end.
Moving on, we find this doozy:
There should be a comma after "afterwards."
Saying directly that Toriel was his crush isn't exactly reflective of what you said in your description: that Toriel x Sans is implied.
After "Toriel," you've got this big run-on sentence that just sounds... bad. The puddle cannot "follow" after "remains." The verb you need here should correlate to "found;" so, words such as "saw," "discovered;" in another sense, words that show that Sans is there and experiences everything. Now, I would also recommend that you end after "dust" and start a new sentence there. Perhaps you could begin with "It had once been..." Then you should remove the "followed by" after "Undying," and then after "Alphys," add "and." (This is basic list structure, and while I know that you can do lists without using "and," the way the sentence sounds means that that won't sound better.)
In fact, you've got an enormous case of using so many run-ons that it's not stylistically imperative; it's structurally detrimental. Case in point:
Don't describe Frisk mid-battle. Describe them when they show up.
Wait. Hang on a second.
*Goes back to description*
You said that "Undertale belongs to: The Annoying Dog."
But Undertale, I thought, belongs to Toby Fox. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Again, bear in mind what I've said before about description.
Alright. Now I'm kind of getting annoyed. See that? That's both a run-on, needlessly heavy on exposition, highly-direct-describing sentence. In fact, it is so long that it might as well not be a sentence. Can you please at least split it up?
Oh, and we know who Sunset and Twilight are. We're bronies; we see this shit and we know this shit. You don't have to be so... blatant in telling us the source material. We know.
Where to start?
I've been down this path before; I know exactly how you want to set this up. it's supposed to be an epic confrontation, with the guy saving the girl. I get that. That's something that we all probably have struggle with in the past when it came to starting out. Given ultra powerful characters and OCs, we'd want them to act this way. And yes, I acknowledge that Sans is pretty powerful. I get that.
But... come on, man, could not make it sound so cringey?
Twilight does not sound like that. At all. Ever. She'd be just as confused as Sunset upon seeing Sans, I would imagine. There should be more time, I'll argue, spent showing us what is happening and how the other characters act and react. We're not seeing things from Sans perspective in the beginning, so why should we jump to his all of a sudden if we were trapped in Twilight's?
I also know that there is no proper way to convey exactly how cringey this sounds. Usually I call it the "inner voice" judge. Intuition and practice can allow anyone to "hear" how their writing sounds. The tone it conveys, the sound it makes when you say it in your mind, the mere emotions that thinking about it brings, can all be judged in this way. But the way you just had Sans showed up just makes this inner voice shiver uneasily.
But, finally, we reach the ending:
Please excuse me if I sound sour; I've got a bad cough that isn't making my patience much better.
But it makes no sense to me for Twilight not to give a damn about what the flying fuck just happened in front of her. She's smart; she'd want to figure out what the heck was that. That's in her nature, regardless of where she is, pony dimension or not.
And I hate to say this, but the whole way you set up Sunset being redeemed here? It's awful. The movie (yes, the original, kinda crappy original EqG movie) did a better job here than you did. At least it tried to make it seem like there was an impact. You just rushed through it like it was nothing.
That isn't how you end a chapter; that's how you end a comedy. There's no sense of "oh, wait, there's more? I can't wait!" You just end it right here and there. Why not add in a part with Sans now ruminating over what he did, and what's next for him in this new life? The point I'm trying to make is that you need to make it so that the reader asks "what comes next?" and not "Alright, time to pack it up and go home."
Here's something that concerns me: Sans being in the EqG world with these immense powers. You say that all of his powers are restored? Well, what chance does the rest of the world have against him? Sans literally breaks walls in space and time to attack, pulling bones out of nowhere and those Gaster Blaster things out of nowhere. If he has all this power, then that makes him dangerous. And in having all this immense power, does that not constitute him as being OP? Yes, he's a high schooler. But he's also a high schooler who can summon metaphysical bones and attack others. That's no high schooler. That's an OP character through and through.
You need to give him limits. It doesn't matter if that is the fact that he's in another dimension which makes accessing the tools necessary to create his attacks harder, or that his body suffers from not being able to cope with all that power inside. Sans should not be this overly powerful took of destruction to throw at every problem that the HuMane Six face. That detracts from the continuity and it detracts from his character. If Sans can easily take on Sunset Shimmer's demon form, then it stands to reason that he can take on the Sirens easily, and Twilight Sparkle just as easily. So then what's the point of having the others around if he can do all that? You've gone and taken the HuMane Six, Sunset's redemption, and her ascension into a better person and as a symbol of overcoming personal struggles, and thrown it all away, replacing it with Sans's OP-level.
Long story short: your story needs a lot of work. You've broken some of the basic fundamentals of writing. Whether you excuse that as ignorance or as style points doesn't matter, because it detracts from the overall experience and makes it hard to read.
Again, I'm not a reviewer. I'm a writer much like yourself. I'm still learning along the way, and I'm still searching for ways to improve my work.
But if you're going around saying that you're an amazing writer, then I'm sorry, but you better be prepared to defend that title with your life's work. And sadly, in this story, I'm just not seeing it.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
7970301
You should give yourself a little more credit, you did a great job breaking down issues and giving advice, just one thing to mention. A general rule of thumb for crossovers is to describe all characters. Sure this is primarily an Equestria Girls fic, but someone can come in from the Undertale side of things, especially if it isn't solely on this site.
7970301
7970344
He's right. You did a good job at diagnosing the flaws in my designs, and most importantly, you weren't a duchebag about it. If you weren't a reviewer before now, you oughta be!
7970344 Oh, no, I understand the need to describe everyone. I'm saying that it shouldn't be done in such a plain way.
7970350
There are other ways to go about describing characters that don't succumb to stiff style syndrome. One of my personal favorites is what I call the "mirror method." Using some sort of reflective surface (such as mirrors, pools, etc), you have it so that the reflection "stares" back at the character. You describe the reflection as such: "An image of a skeleton, stained in sweat, stared back." It takes a little work to make it not sound rusty, but it is one of the more solid ways of description.
Another way is more subtle. You don't describe the character at all in the beginning. Instead, throughout the first part of the story (usually the first chapter), you gradually give out details by way of either dialogue, the "mirror method," or some other way that is outside of the character. This is especially how I like to describe a character's personality, especially with how they might act with others.
While I appreciate your praise, I really don't consider myself a reviewer. I prefer the term "reader." I've been on this road before. I've read a lot and written a lot. I've learned some things on instinct, or on demand, or with a bit of help and research. It's not so much that I have experience; it's more that I am experienced.
This was gold , don't let anyone tell you otherwise, like , add to bookshelve , check double check. I can't wait to see where this goes
7970289 My feelings about The Offspring are along similar lines, so I have to ask, what did you think of that album?
Likewise, to the author; what made you pick a track from Rise & Fall, Rage & Grace?
7970487
I don't know, it seemed like a good song for Sans.
7970489 Interesting choice, a song which I'm fairly sure is about stirring up hate mobs and generally manipulating popular opinion to bring down people you don't like.
Sounds like The Dazzlings with even more Mean Girls, if the character can live up to that then he could be amazing.
7970526
Well, I guess he can because...
You have my attention. Looking forward to the next chapter.
This is gonna be good. That is all.
Sans the skeleton. "Easiest enemy in the game"(Will kick your ass 90000+ ways from Sunday) now with the ability to handle determination... Welp, best Idea for a story I've seen. This is gonna be amazing to watch.
First of all.
The only reason I'm reading this is because I'm a sucker for Undertale.
Second of all...
Try not to use so many "said"s. Just a suggestion.
Of course Sans will like basketball. Is he also a trumpet player?
Overall, this has potential, but has some issues with suspension and pacing. This one chapter could have been several, emphasizing more of the character's decisions, thoughts, feelings, the like. Even the battle scene itself could have been more drawn out and detailed to the point of its own chapter. The chapter beforehand could have brought on some suspension to the reader if it left it off just right before the battle, adding just the right amount of detail to be intriguing but not to much to give anything away, whilst also keeping the reader hooked and wanting to know more.
Eh, why not.
7970779 Nu, let him be a trombone player...
The dunk is strong with this one
Hope to read more from this soon.
You have so many other unfinished stories, e.g
DARK
Assassin Verse
In Brightest Night, In Darkest Day
and
The Dreambender.
And those are only a few. Why don't you continue one of many unfinished stories of yours before posting yet another?
I like this, a lot
7972468
Exactly! I was really hoping to see where DARK was going!
7972973 I liked it, but I was waiting for Dreambender. An excellent concept wrapped in good writing.
7973107
I still like that one.
7970301
Made the edits. Hopefully I did everything okay.
7970985
favoritememes.com/_nw/29/90303088.jpg
7976007
I'm assuming that this part is intended as a joke. If it isn't, well, you've got some fact-checking to be doing, buddy, particularly in regards more to the Undertale part of this description.
7978713
Well, fun fact: The Annoying Dog IS Toby Fox. Or at least, the in-game representation of him. Here, check out this video:
7973447 Yeah. Unluckily, the Joker person doesn't actually listen to people.
7978820 IT'S A GIF.
7998782
You should've seen the comment we responded to first.
7998793 Umm... It was supposed to be a bit of humor.. Strange star wars reference, and slightly based off of the little meme you had.