• Member Since 22nd Mar, 2015
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Mocha Star


I'm here to write my way into your hearts and infect your minds.

E

In a very, but not really, alternate universe far far away, or maybe not.

A mare, an alicorn mare at that, has happened to climb onto a rock to pout about her bad attitude and short temper, and hurtful words, and reluctance to stop her friends from walking past her while she watched them pass for more than enough time to at least speak to one of them or call an apology out.

She, by sheer chance that universes upon universes couldn’t come across, she pouted and whined to her pet dragon when the bars of a cage landed around her, because somehow, in the greatest of oopsies, she nor her friends happened to notice a gigantic black themed airship hovering overhead. The ship that contrasted against everything in sight but was somehow invisible to pony and dragon vision now hauled her from the metal plate, on a boulder by the sea she sat on and didn’t notice, covered by a metal cage, up into its somehow unnoticed, until now, ship brig.

Because a these are common things that happen in a movie story such as this.

A commission for Anon.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 6 )

An interesting start, and the humor is certainly there, but there's a number of small things that confuse me.

‘Is this bad’?!

I assume you meant 'This' is bad.

“Mbwah, I don’t think teleporting works here,” she stood and stumbled over all her hooves and landed on the floor by a sink. “Guhng, water make a better head,”

I don't understand the italics here, or the second bit of dialogue at all. Did the doctor/mortician glue her mouth shut?

Tempest looked around the room, her eyes staying on Twilight for a second before seeing the missing tile and dust on the glass that encased Twilight.

I had to reread a good section around here three or four times to understand what happened there. If I have it right, you're trying to say that Twilight teleported back into the case moments before Tempest returned.

Just another note, Twilight seems to teleport back and forth between the coffin and the bathroom several times.

9186813
You are correct...
I'll fix that, and check it over, tonight.

I
Appreciate it!
🍻

The door vibrated twice from impacts, then swung open as a guard walked in, then the door swung back into his face and he went down like a sack of potatoes. The next guards moved him aside, saying a quiet prayer for his own sacrifice while marching into the medical room looking for Tempest.

I almost died reading this.:rainbowlaugh:

im so confused how this has more dislikes than likes because this was FUNNY. going into the special library.

11881451
I have dedicated haters, sadly. I think I'm a good writer, so that's what matters most.

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